Sons of the Snow, A Skyrim Tale Options

[Rohirrim]

Chapter One: A Dawn in Fire
24th Frostfall, 4E 194, 8 Bells after Noon
Mandel Skjori, 18

He was sitting on his bed when it happened. His brother, Klargus, and his sister, Svelki, were with him. Their parents were outside, getting all the livestock in for the night. He and his siblings were talking about the weather, worried it might mean an early winter. Deep in the Pale, early winter was a grave matter. Even so, the conversation was lighthearted. They knew that come death or daedra, the divines would provide. They always did. Even after the great Skeever-Plague of 187, when half their stock was killed, the animals were breeding prolifically that spring. It was then that they heard it: the dull thud of hooves on snow. A moment later they heard shouting, and the terrified lowing of cattle. All three siblings rushed to the door, throwing it open. Mandel was the first to see them.

Riders, fast ones, with fire in their hands. They hurled torches at the roof of the house, setting it ablaze. The packed mixture of dung and straw was almost cruelly perfect for such a task. It caught almost instantly, and the flames were at least half the height of the house. He could see, when he forced himself to turn away, others driving away their cattle, setting fire to the chicken coop, even the mill. Mandel saw his father stumble through the snow, out of the darkness, pulling his mother behind him. His face was a mask of rage, his brow contorted in an inhuman anger, and he did something Mandel had never seen him do. He knew his father had the Battlecry, all Nords did, but he never thought he would use it. His father was a man of peace, a farmer and a devout follower of the teachings of Kyne. Some of the horses threw their riders, but the rest were almost unfazed.

Laughter, loud and cruel, erupted from the ranks of the horsemen. Mandel was almost ready to charge at them, no matter how suicidal, when suddenly, an arrow came whizzing out of the dark and struck his mother in the chest. His father, now mad with an emotion that defied description, a combination of anger and deep, deep sorrow, ran at the horsemen. Before he could do anything, though, a man who looked to be their leader rode forward and struck Mandel's father in the face with his sword. He was dead before he hit the ground. He had to be. The way he fell, it was final. Mandel felt this in his being, not knowing where the knowledge came from. All he knew was that he had to get what remained of his family away from here, away from these men. "Run!" He grabbed his siblings by their sleeves and pulled them with him, running like a wounded deer being chased.

And yet, chased he was not. When several of the riders made ready to pursue them, the leader held up his hand. "Let them go," he said, in a voice that spoke not of any race or heritage. Plain, unaccented Cyrodiilic. It was almost so perfect as to be unnerving. "I have plans for them, when the time comes. Let us leave, this cold is unbearable." He and his men rode away, away into the blackness of the autumn night.

Mandel was over the hill that surrounded his family's home when he heard an ear-splitting noise, like the noise a flag makes in the wind, only much, much louder. With this sound came a light, a blinding orange flash that shifted to a subtle glow. Mandel looked back towards the place he had called home, known since birth, and saw only destruction. He realized what had happened. The sacks of flour in the mill had exploded, as well as the many minuscule bits of flour and chaff on the cracks between the stones that the mill was built on.

He cried as he looked on, knowing that there was nothing left of his old life. He knew that for him, and his family, life was about to start anew. Klargus looked at him, his sweet blue eyes now widened in fear. Klargus was youngest, 16, and was both the largest and gentlest of the three. "What are we going to do, Mandel?" Svelki looked to him as well. She was the middle child, 17, and she had followed in the steps of her mother, learning basic Conjuration and Restoration spells. "I know that it is unfair, looking to you for guidance, when you must feel the same way we do, but we don't have anyone else to turn to. We trust you, Mandel. We will follow you, to the gates of Oblivion if we must." Mandel looked at his brother and sister, his tears drying on his face. "I'll tell you what we are going to do. We're going to find somewhere to sleep, and then we're going to retrieve what we can from home in the morning." All three dug themselves a hollow in the snow, and curled up, each using their cloak as a blanket. Mandel lay awake for hours. He may not have known it, but that fire would fuel his thirst for justice, and it would make him into the man he was inside: Dovahkiin.

This post has been edited by Rohirrim: Sep 14 2013, 03:39 AM

[SubRosa]

Okay, all caught up now. So far it is a fun story, and obviously Mandel is the Dragonborn. You have some nice touches, such as with the burning hot sword. The fact that Dragon Knights are hunting him is another big cue of course. It is nice to see that as well as from his pov, you are also presenting this story from the view of his two siblings as well, and letting us see Skyrim through their eyes as well. I especially liked the Dunmer mage calling whales to deal with the pirates. It makes a lot of sense in a magical world. That is one of the things I love seeing best in magical settings, seeing magic being used in creative ways beyond "blast him!"

They knew that come death or daedra, the divines would provide.
This is a nice, setting-fitting phrase.

Plain, unaccented Cyrodiilic.
And the TES equivalent of a Mid-Western accent!

He was a Nord, and mountain iron was his metal.
Another good bit of world-building, and character-building, here.

I liked your invention of the world Fokke. Though I must admit I keep thinking that there should be a Wulf after it, or at least an 'r'. But then it would be a fighter plane. Seriously though, we all wrestle with the swear filter, and finding ways around it can be a pain. Still, even if there was not a filter, I think I would prefer reading invented words. I do love it when books and shows use their own curses, like Frak or Frell.

Oh, and was I the only one looking for a blue guard callbox in The Doctor's house?


nits:
Hokay, this is going to be big, but try not let it daunt you. The whole idea to offer criticism is to help us be better writers, and we can all use someone to point out our goofs. That is why editors exist after all.

Post #10
"It seems that our only choice is to now make all haste to Dawnstar, then, and tell the Jar{l}, what has happened."
Looks like your 'l' in Jarl got burned down with the farm...


Post #24
{"}The Doctor stood, speaking in a lilting accent through his mask.
You have an extra quotation mark at the beginning of this sentence.

They stepped inside. Immediately choked from the smoke of a fire burning in the hearth, they covered their noses and mouths. They saw him sitting in a chair by the fire, smoking, of all things. "Corporis? It's me, Mandel Skjori. You knew my father." "The Doctor stood, speaking in a lilting accent through his mask. "My, my, Mandel. How you've grown. I am here, nearly an old, blind man, and you are only just beginning to...realize your full potential." He coughed and, to the children's surprise, threw a pail of water on the fire, letting the room be lit by the candles on the hearth. He then, also surprisingly, took off his mask to reveal the face of a young, dark-haired Imperial. "I reckon I can drop the act with you three, since you seem in urgent need of my services." "But...I thought you were an old disfigured blind man!" "Nah, just part of the mystique. I was an actor before I attended the Collegium Alchemicum. I was sent here and...I kind of made up this little character for myself. It helps me forget my money worries. Oh, and my name's Miller. Windy Miller."

When you change speakers, start a new paragraph, otherwise it gets confusing to read. For example, I would suggest changing the above to:

They stepped inside. Immediately choked from the smoke of a fire burning in the hearth, they covered their noses and mouths. They saw him sitting in a chair by the fire, smoking, of all things. "Corporis? It's me, Mandel Skjori. You knew my father."

The Doctor stood, speaking in a lilting accent through his mask. "My, my, Mandel. How you've grown. I am here, nearly an old, blind man, and you are only just beginning to...realize your full potential." He coughed and, to the children's surprise, threw a pail of water on the fire, letting the room be lit by the candles on the hearth.

He then, also surprisingly, took off his mask to reveal the face of a young, dark-haired Imperial. "I reckon I can drop the act with you three, since you seem in urgent need of my services." "

But...I thought you were an old disfigured blind man!"

"Nah, just part of the mystique. I was an actor before I attended the Collegium Alchemicum. I was sent here and...I kind of made up this little character for myself. It helps me forget my money worries. Oh, and my name's Miller. Windy Miller."


Also, instead of using boldface on words for emphasis, you might consider italics instead. This is no hard and fast rule, just a personal opinion for you to take or leave. Ialics are more common, and when people see bold on the internet, the first reaction for many is to think it is a link.


{d}on't{}go outside, whatever you do.
You missed the capitalization of the first word of this sentence, as well as the space between 'Don't' and 'go'.



Windy sighed as he watched them go. They were going to have a hard time of it, those kids, but...he believed in them. He looked at the bodies in his cabin, and sighed again. He was going to have to get rid of those. Oh, well.
You made the common mistake of head-hopping here. The rest of this piece was written from Mandel's point of view. But with these final sentences you suddenly shifted to that of Windy. Whenever you change point of view characters, be sure you end the scene completely, and start a new scene. Like you did in Post #10, where the first scene is from Mandel's pov, and the second from the Big Bad's. A good way of thinking of pov characters and head-hopping is to imagine that your story is a movie. Pretend you have only one camera, and one microphone, and both are attached to the point of view character's head. So the reader only sees what the pov character sees, only hears what they hear, and is only to privy to the thoughts and emotions of that one character. Otherwise it gets very confusing to the reader.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Nov 20 2013, 01:33 AM