Excerpts From The Green Book Of Poems, Don't Look I'm Working On It In Here! Options

[Wurlon]

Excerpts From The Green Book Of Poems
By Wurlon Firethorn

(I'm Using This As A Writing Station Please)
(Brb Later, Out Of Ideas For now)


The Horse And The Rider

So sat the knight, whom was dressed in gray mail,
perched on a horse so through wind he would sail!
But through battle and war, his horse would bleed,
so the rider gave armor to his steed!
But heavy and thick, the horse made a jump,
and the rider fell a thunderous thump!
But through anger and hurt, he was still sane,
and simply smacked the horse on it's mane!



This post has been edited by Wurlon: Nov 6 2005, 06:45 PM

[stargate525]

Well naturally as the writer I can't see my mistakes, the last poems blows and I'll most likely cut that out. Can you at least tell me where it gets sketchy?

Sure. Take this one for example...

The Horse And The Rider

So sat the knight, dressed in mail,
perched a horse so through wind he would sail!
But through battle and conquest, his horse would bleed,
so the rider gave armor to his noble steed!
But heavy and thick, the horse made a jump,
and the rider fell with a thunderous thump!
But through anger and hurt, the rider was sane,
and simply whacked the horse on the tip of it's mane!

... and observe the number of syllables;

6
10
11
12
10
11
11
12

no real pattern to them, although you almost had a 10,11,12 going there and the first two were pretty well matched . Try and get the rhyming lines to match in syllables, or be even, for example an 8/8, 8/6, or in this one, 10/12, 12/10, 10/8, 12/12 or 10/10. It just helps to get rythm into the poem so that it rolls off the tounge easier.

I loved the content of it, very good, just needs more rythm.

This post has been edited by stargate525: Sep 14 2005, 05:03 PM

[Wurlon]

Sure. Take this one for example...
... and observe the number of syllables;

6
10
11
12
10
11
11
12

no real pattern to them, although you almost had a 10,11,12 going there and the first two were pretty well matched . Try and get the rhyming lines to match in syllables, or be even, for example an 8/8, 8/6, or in this one, 10/12, 12/10, 10/8, 12/12 or 10/10. It just helps to get rythm into the poem so that it rolls off the tounge easier.

I loved the content of it, very good, just needs more rythm.

Grr I have to work to do, I'll get back to this when I can... by the way nice avatar.

My main problem is I adore couplet style poems where it's AA, BB, AA, BB and I usualy just jam it all into one, ignoring syllables and such.

This post has been edited by Wurlon: Sep 17 2005, 12:11 AM