Beyond the Horizon Options

[Bofra]

Ok! Time to post the first part of my first fanfic! Was about time I actually tried writing one myself.. Anyway, this is the prelude of the story, I've got a chapter 1 on the works and the main story-line pretty much thought out, so I would really like some constructive criticism! This is the first time I'm writing a story at all so I have no real idea of how it reads. Well, here you go, I hope you enjoy this little preview.

Beyond the Horizon
By: Bofra

Prelude

This is the story of a young boy whose life didn’t turn out as he would have thought, as is the case with most stories of heroes. However this story will hopefully distinct from others as you will eventually see, but please read on, we’ll start in the very beginning and Kel, our hero, is living together with his parents on a small farm in the outskirts of the bretonian city of Wayrest…

Kel lived a peaceful life together with his parents as he helped out in the field most of his time. His mother, Laria, always told him he would once become a strong and handsome man who all girls would madly fall in love with. Kel believed in that story and wasn’t bothered by the fact that he probably would work on the farm for the rest of his life, after all that was his home.
There was a dream however, of a handsome warrior that would ride across the fields of Tamriel in shiny armour and a trustworthy sword by his side, that warrior was the man Kel truly wanted to become even if it only was possible in his dreams. But the everyday chores and the peaceful days on the farm kept him happy and he left that warrior for the stories of heroes written in books.

One of these peaceful days Kels mother came to her son with disturbing news, Rola, Kels father, had caught a grave disease and was beyond all restoration magic or alchemical preparations. Even though Laria was a very talented user of restoration magic there was nothing she could do. Two weeks later Rola couldn’t fight any longer and he fell to the effects of the disease leaving Laria alone with her son.
Day after day Laria cried blaming herself for the death of her husband cursing her restoration skills for not being able to save him. Kel had to do the field work of all three since his mother was incapable of work in her state. He didn’t cry however, not a single time, and all the sadness from the loss of a father was kept inside this 10 years old boy.

Years passed and Kel got used of doing pretty much all the work at the farm. Laria helped as much as she could but the death of her husband had taken much strength from her. One day, when Kel was returning from the city with the weekly delivery he felt in him that something was not as it should be.
He entered the small house that had been his home for his fourteen years of life and found his mother lying in her bed not moving an inch. There was no doubt; she had stopped breathing hoping to meet her husband in the afterlife and lied there all lifeless with a small note by her side. Kel approached her body slowly and emotionless and took up the small wrinkled note from the floor and read:

“I’m sorry Kel.”

That was all it said, “I’m sorry Kel”. Kel looked down and found that next to were the note was dropped laid also a small iron key with a red ribbon tied to it. He picked it up but without much interest he put it on the table nearby together with the note and walked slowly out of the house.

Kel was now fourteen years old and all alone, he had buried his mother next to his fathers grave on a small hill nearby and continued with the chores he had been doing most of his life. His dreams stayed dreams and the hope of ever becoming anything else than a simple farmer slowly withered away.
Days passed and seasons went by when Kel had lastly left his parents to the past and was close to leave life himself of mere lack of hope. But he couldn’t just lie down like his mother and die, he couldn’t kill himself either, there was something inside him that still had a little bit of hope, that still wanted to live and see what was waiting beyond the horizon. Then one day came and Kel was about to meet the person who would change his life for ever.

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Edited 19th march 2006: More "flow" and some minor sentence composition changes.
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This post has been edited by Bofra: Mar 19 2006, 01:04 PM

[treydog]

Enjoyed the story, but have to agree with Taillus about the "dialogue versus thoughts" problem. Can't really show what I mean at present, but I will try to give an example later. Meanwhile, please continue with your deep and engaging story.

Edited to add:

O.K.- home now, so I can give and example. The main thing you want to do is use spacing to make the dialogue read easily. Here is one passage and the way I would re-write it:

CODE

“I suppose you remember that day when your mother died right?” Revor asked.
Kel had just now noticed that this man knew a lot more about him that he would have guessed. “How did he know my parents were dead? Was he some kind of spy? Or maybe he knew them when they were alive? Or was it all just a guess… After all not many fourteen years old boys choose to live a life all by themselves”.

Revor noticed Kels puzzled face and as if he had read his mind he said.
“Yes, I knew your parents and I’m not surprised they never told you about me. But before I answer your questions let me ask you. I assume you remember the day Laria died but can you recall if there was something she left you, anything that might have been important?”
Kel, a little calmer now that he knew that the mysterious man was an acquaintance of his parents, replied with a bit of remorse.
“Yes, there was a note by her side, but it didn’t say anything important really”.
Kel turned away, sat down on his bed and picked up a fork that had fallen from the table. Ravor approached calmly and kneeled beside him.

Change to:

I suppose you remember that day when your mother died right?” Revor asked.

Kel had just now noticed that this man knew a lot more about him that he would have guessed. He wondered how this stranger knew his parents were dead. Was he some kind of spy? Or maybe he knew them when they were alive? Or was it all just a guess… After all, not many fourteen years old boys choose to live a life all by themselves.

Revor noticed Kel’s puzzled face and as if he had read his mind he said,

“Yes, I knew your parents and I’m not surprised they never told you about me. But before I answer your questions let me ask you something. I assume you remember the day Laria died, but can you recall if there was something she left you, anything that might have been important?”

Kel, a little calmer now that he knew that the mysterious man was an acquaintance of his parents, replied with a bit of remorse,

“Yes, there was a note by her side, but it didn’t say anything important really”.

Kel turned away, sat down on his bed and picked up a fork that had fallen from the table. Ravor approached calmly and kneeled beside him.

Notice how the line spacing separates the characters' dialogue, making it easier to scan.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing more of your story.

This post has been edited by treydog: Mar 22 2006, 04:03 AM