Depressed? Insane? Options

[Wurlon]

Ever feel so depressed and insane that you sometimes question whether you are dreaming or the swirling world around you is a grim reality? I really can't tell anymore... every passing day brings more proof of my insanity and I keep feeling a rage.. to do something. I worry whether its for good or bad.

Help? No one seems to believe me or understand me anymore. Maybe I should just take a whole bottle of Advil and get my wretched existence over with. God turns his cheek to me.

[softwhisper]

this is a long response, caution. well, i don't post on here that often. come to think of it, i've never even really had a conversation with anyone here. however, i concur that it is a supportive, friendly environment. as yet another "i've been there before" statement, throughout my formitive years, i suffered from severe clinical depression, and still do. actually it's even worse now, but that's because of my other mental imbalances. the only way i got through it was by accepting the truth that life is difficult at best. from 7th grade until my junior year of high school, i was in a strangely similar situation to what you have described. after a while, i just decided not to give a crap about anyone else or what they thought. This may have been easier for me than other people, but i'll get to that in a minute.

something that helped me more than anything else was to realize that no matter what, it could always be worse. that may not make sense at first. but think on it a little. if it could be worse, that means that your life is better than you might have thought. imagine for a moment not having any family, not ever even seeing other people, not having any sort of support structure at all. hopefully, you'll see as i have that this sort of thought process can help you realise that there are many good things about your life.

another way to look at it is this. if you take value in every moment of your life, you may start to see things differently. even when things are bad, you can take a step outside yourself for a moment and realise "this is my sadness. only i will ever know what it's like to be me in this moment. this experience is mine". thinking in this fashion repeatedly will hopefully make it easier to accept that your life is valuable simply because it is "your life", and no one else will have that. other people's lives may seem better, or easier. in truth, 99% of people wear masks every day to hide what's really going on inside. the guy at your school that may seem to be always happy, has lots of friends, has an attractive partner, and all that, is actually wrestling with his own inner demons just as you are. the only difference is that he alienates himself from the way he feels, and ultimately, will most likely have a much more difficult time accepting negative things that life throws at him. you're in touch with the way you feel. that's a reason to smile, if even for a moment. just think, you actually accept the way you feel instead of trying to hide it.

your feelings of rage and anger, while possibly linked to a mental illness, are most likely a result of the chemical changes going on inside your body as a whole. most young men at about your age have a greater degree of hostility. the teenage years are a time of emotional turmoil. while you're young, the process of maturing can result in tremendously strong emotional responses to even the simplest of stimuli. as you continue to age (and by all means, do continue to age, it really is worth it), you will find yourself experiancing emotions in a dulled fashion. unfortunately, as you get older, you tend to feel things in sort of a numb way. and believe it or not, you may one day wish you could feel things as strongly as you do now. i wish i could still feel those wonderful highs and lows of emotion.

after a while, which may seem to take forever, the turmoil inside your body and mind will pass, and you'll not have to deal with many of the problems that you are now. there will be new problems, yes, but your experiances in your young life will help you deal with these as they occur. obviously, not all of the things that are happening in your head are results of chemical changes and all that rot. many of them are caused by your environment and the instances of unkindness that you've gone through. if you do decide on life (which is best, really), you'll most likely find that as your peers age, even a few years, many things will change in the way they act. every year you'll find people becoming less "clique-esh" and exclusive, more accepting and open. as my highschool years drug on, strange things happened. as freshmen, there were emnities and hatred left over from middle school. over the course of the four years that followed, everyone just sort of let that all go. of course people stuck with their group of friends, but there was no reason that a "jock" woulnd't hang out with "the emo kids" or vise versa. ever wonder why graduating classes all seem to get along? it's because the layers of ingrained hatred and intollerance have worn away.

possibly the best thing you could do is to consciously decide to think differently. this is different for everyone and is difficult, to put it lightly. i'm not saying become one of those "half full" people overnight, but take baby steps with it. gradually change your outlook. a few years ago, i didn't have a positive thing to say to anyone, now i'm the guy that points out that it's not all that bad. it's about "mind power". taking control of your own mind and thought process is very helpful. so try not to let your mind run your life for you. when things start spiralling downhill when you're lying in bed, don't just stay in bed and let it take control. get up, get your blood pumping by walking around your room, maybe fix yourself a snack to eat, or turn on the tv or computer, or maybe the best option, pick up a good book to lose yourself in it. the sort of thoughts that keep you from sleep is one of the worst parts about depression, and also one of the most common. i can't think of a single person that hasn't experienced that phenomina in their lifetime.

by all means ask your parents if they'll set up an appointment with a psychologist (not psychiatrist, that comes later). a psychologist is basically a professional counciler. it's someone that is legally bound to keep your secrets, so you know you can trust them. make sure to have him/her describe the exact nature of doctor-patient confidentiality to you at your first visit. after hearing that (yeah, actually hearing it helps, believe it or not), there's no reason to hide things from the doctor. the worst thing you can do is lie to your doctor(s). they are only there to help you, and if you don't tell them what's going on, they can't do that. after several appointments with a psychologist, you may be referred to a psychiatrist, which is similar but not the same thing. the main difference being that a psychiatrist can diagnose you with specific illnesses and perscribe the neccesary medications.

now for my "it could be worse scenario". this isn't me complaining about my life or anything like that. just giving an example of something worse to hopefully make you feel better about your situation.

i'm 22, failed out of college in the second semester because of a drug problem. a few years later, after drifting from one dead-end job to the next, my fiancee left me and moved out, the guy who was living with us moved out, and i ended up having to leave town and move back in with the parents. not only have i been diagnosed with clinical depression, which i haven't found a working medication for yet, i suffer from severe paranoid schitzophrenia. basically what that means is i'm what everyone thinks of when someone says "crazy". i halucinate almost constantly, always watch what i think because i know everyone can read my thoughts, hardly ever leave the house because "they" might be out there, experience constant twitches and muscle spasms, can never fully relax, i have voices and urges inside my mind that make me do things i don't want to, i'm a danger to myself and others, so i can't be trusted to be employed. i fight the uncontrollable urge every day to not kill my family and their pets, and have odd bio-chemical reactions to improper stimuli, such as when i become injured, i feel a "body buzz" that lasts for a minute or two. when i think about hurting people or animals, the same thing happens. i have to take 800mg of tranquilizers every day along with anti-depressants to help with this. and it doesn't help that much.

however, that does make it easy not to give a crap about what other people think. (see, thinking positive, looking on the bright side, it helps)

i'll stop this absurdly long response with something i wrote on another forum on a different issue. it still applies though, mostly.

"in closing, if you give up, nothing will come your way. if you fixate on only one person forever, most likely you'll be forever alone. don't let your love for one person blind you to the potential futures that may lie in store. i don't believe in fate, destiny, or a higher power, but i have learned a few things in my pointless and ultimately forgotten life. always keep your options open, and don't plan on things going according to plan. you never know what might be in store for you over the next passing of the sun over the dry earth. be true to yourself, and never let yourself get into something you can't get out of. if you're not happy right now, doing something about it is the only thing that will make your situation change. don't waste your limited time living on pointless sorrow, live for the moment, and treasure each one. no matter what the circumstances, we all only have so long. i'll probably die young from lung cancer or some other vice induced illness, but i'll die knowing i lived my life to it's fullest, in every precious moment. and i'll welcome the void of oblivion with a smile and a laugh.

know that, in my own fashion, i care for each and every one of you. maybe you can learn from my example as my brother has, and lead a better life than i. and know that until your last fleeting breath, that there is always a new dawn to come, and another chance to attain your own vision of paradise and lasting fulfillment."