Depressed? Insane? Options

[Wurlon]

Ever feel so depressed and insane that you sometimes question whether you are dreaming or the swirling world around you is a grim reality? I really can't tell anymore... every passing day brings more proof of my insanity and I keep feeling a rage.. to do something. I worry whether its for good or bad.

Help? No one seems to believe me or understand me anymore. Maybe I should just take a whole bottle of Advil and get my wretched existence over with. God turns his cheek to me.

[Wurlon]

It seems almost redundant to add my voice to this thread, but it feels like I must. Like many of the other people who have posted in this thread, I too have suffered from severe depression. I can't say that I understand what you're going through, because nobody other than you could really ever completely understand. But that doesn't mean that we don't know what it is like to be severely depressed. When I was your age, I was constantly depressed and frequently suicidal. I didn't have any close friends that I could talk to about it, and purposely alienated myself from other people to hide my feelings from me and them. In my junior year of college, I finally figured out what it was thadt had been making me so depressed, what it was that I was trying to hide from myself and the people around me. Once that happened, I was able to start down the road of coming to terms with who I was and that has allowed me to get where I am today. I realize that makes it sound easy, but it certainly wasn't. I've spent years in therapy and had some help with anti-depressants. But for me, the most helpful thing was therapy, mostly because by talking through what I was feeling, I came to understand it better and in understanding, there comes acceptance and the beginning of a solution. Having said that, I don't know what it is that has brought you to where you are. I can't promise that the solutions that have worked for many of us will work for you. But I can promise, as many others have done, that if you need someone to talk to, I'll be here. You have said that you don't really know anyone in this forum; most of us only know each other from the posts that we've made. Some people here are true friends, and communicate via PM and other means on or off the forums. I know there are a lot of people here who have felt what you're feeling, even if for different reasons. You may not know any of us on a personal level, but it doesn't have to stay that way. I'm sure that if you sent a PM to someone who felt safe to you, they would be happy to stay in contact, get to know you better, and try to help as best they can. I know that I would.

Perhaps I've rambled on long enough. I'll end with this last thought: Please talk to someone, somewhere. Find someone you can trust, someone who cares, someone who understands, someone who can help. I'm confident that if you can find even one person to really talk to, it will halp.

But the problem is I want to be with people and I can't get there! I'm like a kid in a candy store trying to reach something on the top shelf... you want to ask for help but you are too afraid! My god my wildest dreams would be to be with a group of people having fun! I just don't know how, when I meet people its just..bland or whatever it is where I can't get passed a brick wall! This is where I need the help!

Well, I've avoided posting in this thread for quite a while, mainly because I don't want to sound abrasive or rude, but I now feel I have to.

Just from reading your posts, I gather that you just want to wallow in your puddle of self-pity all the while making excuses so that you don't have to clean it up. And that's assuming that your depression is real. (I'm not saying that it isn't, but I know plenty of people that act depressed just to make people feel sorry for them) You say you want better relationships with people, but you aren't willing to do your part. You want your sister to be nice? A good starting point would be not referring to her as a 'witch'. Relationships are two-sided.

I'm not saying that it's totally your fault, but if you want to change something, you have to be willing to put forth some sort of effort.

When I was fourteen, I was just starting high school. It was a huge transition because I had just moved to a new town, and because I had just decided to quit homeschooling as I had done all my previous years. It was terrible to begin with. I had no friends, I was just the new kid. So I spent my time getting good grades and it was about this time that I picked up the guitar. It gave me something fun to do, and passed the time. Pretty soon, that gave me a way to connect with one of my best friends; we both played guitar. But even when I was still friendless, I wasn't particularly sad. To this day I consider freshman year my best. Sure, I only had a couple friends, but I had some of the best times of my life just with them.

Just stop thinking so much about how bad life is, and think about what's good in it. For the longest time, my good thing was guitar, and I'm sure you have one too.

THIS is the post not to miss. It is hard to read because its a bit harsh but I know Dantrag wrote it that way to try to get you to stop wallowing in self-pity. Here's the thing ... if you have a biological depression caused by a chemical imbalance in your body, then nothing that we say can make much change for you - you may possibly have to live on medication like many of us do. It sure beats life from inside a funny farm though. On the other hand, many of the things you say sound like the hormonal changes and flux that happen with puberty and growing up. This is something you need to figure out if you can.

What you really need to do is self analyse your depression as much as possible and figure whether it's caused by 1.) just weird feelings that come over you for no reason 2.) situations and causes in your life or 3.) surges of feelings that seem hormonal and to do with going from adolescent to teen. I know - that's a tall order, isn't it? But ultimately, you are the one - not some doctor - who will finally figure what the problem is and grapple with it and solve it or learn to live with it. Some people are depressives. Terrible for them but true. But even they live with it on medication. I'm not saying that you are ... hoping you're not.

Ask questions like ... How long has this particular depression lasted? ... Do I have ups, normal times and downs? ... Or just ups and downs?.. Do particular events trigger my depression (or make it deeper) ... For instance a sister? ... What other adult can I talk to if my parents refuse to believe me? ... What are events or people or things that lift me out of my depression, even temporarily? Do I feel better or worse after certain kinds of foods? ... What time of day is worst for me? .. Best? .... stuff like that. Many people keep a mood diary so that they and maybe later a doctor can analyse the cycle and symptoms of their particular moods. Do anything you can to deal with it Wurlon. Don't let it own you. You are at a wonderful time of your life. You need to find your way clear to enjoying it.

I didn't miss that post, I was afraid to respond to it because I thought he'd flame me. I"m not doing this for self pity, I really need help and I have no where to turn, I don't want to go to a pyschologist. My depression is constant, I've had it since 6th grade.. three years now. I have to admit it has gotten better, but I'm not out of it yet.

I dont' know which post you are talking about, can't find it.

And I can't find anything good to hang on to, I love video games but I certainly don't like playing them all day. I don't really have any musical talents, I simply was in chorus for four easy years and I can't sing very well. Danny is lucky, he has something he knew he had. What do I have? All I have is my dog, Ashley, and you know what? The last dog I had hung onto died of cancer in the back left leg at the age of three, so I'm afraid to love my dog anymore and have to deal with the crying again when she passes away. The whole reason I played Morrowind and play Oblivion is to get away from this world, to something fantastic and interesting where I can express myself. I don't know how to express myself, people tell me they do it through music, art, talking but I don't understand how that works. "Do what you love" is what people tell me, but the things I love, I can't do.. they are just there. This school year will be my first year in highschool, but unlike Danny I don't know of or can find anything that would interest anyone... I'm so plain. My parents don't force me to do anything, I quit sports because people made fun of me and I've never bothered to look for something else, I figured I would simply be mocked. I'm like the only guy that likes volleyball, and it would be embarrassing to be on a male volleyball league or something.

Its like I'm stuck... I didn't get to start anything young and when I do something nowadays its embarassing and the people that live in my area are mean, they like to make fun of me because they know I'll go home and cry later. Right now my only real friend is a kid a year younger than me, up the street. Me and him both like Metallica, but that's it... when I go up his house or he comes over mine, we simply talk and I've never done anything fun besides that... I've never gone to the mall with friends and no parents, same with the movies and I just don't know what to do! The lunch table I used to sit at had a lot of nice people who accepted my existance, but they never seemed interesting in becoming friends except for Kenny and he said he would call me or invite me over to play some video games or soemthing.. he hasn't called and I'm afraid to call him... maybe he just pretended.

I just don't know.

See? My point was just proven. Point me to one part in that post where you tried to change something.

What?!?

Now wait just a minute here! You're talking about not learning anything young and now it's too embarrassing to learn something new because people will laugh at you .... Wurlon, I am 54 years young and I just got back from an entertainment media school tour at a place called Full Sail here in Orlando where I hope to LEARN computer animation. You never stop learning in life, or at least you shouldn't! As for my possible future classmates? Honey, I have never seen so many pimples and testosterone in one room in my life! haha Most of the people were teens but some were older like me. Do I expect to get laughed at? Yes. Do I think people will say "Whatcha doin' here granma?" Sure. Do I think they'll make fun of me for being too old and out of touch? Yup. Do I care? Not a bit!

I'm gonna look em in the eye if they make fun of me and say, well your generation is already caught up in the gaming industry - but there is an untapped market out there that they would love to hook on games and get their money, the middle-to-older female audience. And guess who knows EXACTLY how to hook em cause I'm one of them? ME. So who will an employer think can pull in more new audience?

And I know that this is true because Cain got me into game by buying me 'No One Lives Forever.' I guess all the mini skirts and bright mod clothing and high-heeled boots probably seem campy or retro to people now. But we were wearing them in the sixties and I was having the time of my life. NOLF hooked me totally. Then came Arena and theres been no turning back.

Wurlon, why don't you introduce your young friend down the street to Morrowind and Oblivion. Could be another interest that you two maybe could share.

Well its like I don't know where to go or what to do! I did introduce Dave to Oblivion, he thought it was amazing but admitted that he doesn't like to sit down for too long for a video game. I introduced him to halo 2, and got the same reaction so I guess he likes video games.. but doesn't play them much. I don't know, making friends with Dave may the best friggin' decision I've made but I don't know how to get myself interlinked with him... like going to places with him.

[Dantrag]

I didn't miss that post, I was afraid to respond to it because I thought he'd flame me. I"m not doing this for self pity, I really need help and I have no where to turn, I don't want to go to a pyschologist. My depression is constant, I've had it since 6th grade.. three years now. I have to admit it has gotten better, but I'm not out of it yet.

I can't believe you thought I'd flame you. Sorry if I came off as that kind of person, it's just that in my experience, bullshitting people doesn't help them, and I'm here to help. Or at least try.

The last two sentences make me think that it's just the whole adolescent depression stage that a lot of people go through. The fact that it's getting better is a good sign; I'm sure you'll get through it soon.