Concerned, But Powerless Options

[SubRosa]

Poor Baurus, not only dead but goblin food! Ewww. I noticed it is Baurus now?

And quite the revelation at the end! So Alex/Deadalu is a member of the Dark Brotherhood? That explains quite a bit! It will be interesting to see where you take this from here.



nits:
insult).But
It looks like a goblin ate the space between sentences here.

put the late Captains sword back in the sheath
That would be Captain's, as it is possessive.

and quite a few Assassins - that is to say, I killed them
And assassins here.

and occasionally eyes.I also found many lockpicks.
Another eaten space between sentences here.

[Acadian]

Here we learn that as good as Alex seems to be with a blade, she is better with a bow.

The death of Baurus, combined with the Emperor not sharing much info at all with Alex has a chilling effect on what may happen to the Empire. It seems Alex my not be on that path - and that is fine.

What a delicious mystery regarding her involvement with the Dark Brotherhood! I wonder if she will now set her sights back to Cheydinhal.

Nice job, Petra!

[Destri Melarg]

Now I can see it. We know that the Dark Brotherhood takes shadowscales at birth, so why not little Nordic girls? Those same shadowscales have to do something while they are growing up. I imagine learning their way around a bow and a sword would just be standard procedure.

Too bad about poor Baurus, though. To survive the onslaught of an untold number of assassins, only to fall before the might of a goblin horde has to be quite an insult to a Blade.

[Petra Arkanian]

Yes, that is what I was thinking.But... don't count your chickens before they've hatched *wiggles eyebrows*.

[SubRosa]

You mean Baurus will return from the grave to wreak a terrible vengeance? Cool!

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Dec 10 2010, 10:26 PM

[mALX]

Amazing improvements in your story and writing in Part 4 - Great Job !!!

[Petra Arkanian]

Okay, guys. part 5. Enjoy.

PART 5

I shivered violently. Who knew the Imperial City could be so cold? This would probably be summer weather in Skyrim, of course, or perhaps even Bruma. But I hadn't been to either, and, having grown up in Cheydinal, where it was always relatively warm, I had experienced little, if any, kind of clod. Shivering again, I perked up my ears, and looked around the Merchants Inn. It was rowdy, and I was rather surprised not to see a Bouncer.

"Oh, so, see, I wos comin' fro' the 'ospi'al, 'ere I saw a man. Bloo'y as 'ey ever 'ome! hic! Booros? 'E 'ad an in'er'es'in name, I do be'eve, though I wos ra'er drunk, at 'e time.Hic!" The man continued to guess names, until I stepped in front of him.

"Oh, 'ello, luv. Do ya need any'ing?" he smiled, cross eyed, obviously still completely drunk.

I frowned at him as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I am coming extremely close to realizing what you mean, sir. And, yes," I added," I do need something. Information." His face fell, and I scowled at him.

"W'll, I'za sure we can work ou' a 'eal."

"Agreed. Three septims, perhaps?"

"Awl-righ'y 'en. Wha' for, luv?"

"The man you mentioned. Was his name, perhaps... Barus? Was he a Redguard?"

I appeared to have struck gold. "Tha' 'e wos!" cried the man.

I thanked him, rather stiffly, handed him the gold coins, took a last sip of wine, and left the Inn.

This post has been edited by Petra Arkanian: Dec 12 2010, 08:17 PM

[SubRosa]

My that drunk's accent was so think an elephant could have walked on it! Well written. I doubt I could have done a cockney accent like that!

And it does indeed appear that Baurus/Barus survived? It will be interesting to hear his tale, if our Nord can catch up with him.


Nits:
I had experienced little, if any, kind of clod
I suspect you meant cold there.

Barus/Baurus. You really need to pick one, stick with it, and go back and edit the previous posts to make it consistent throughout the story. Otherwise you are just needlessly confusing your readers.

[Acadian]

So, our rather mature wine-sipping twelve year learned that Baurus is still alive? How exciting! You surely never did say he was dead. . . just dragged away, you trickster!

This was well done!


Nits:
Cheydinhal is the correct spell for Alex's city.

'It was rowdy, and I was rather surprised not to see a Bouncer.'
You should decapitalize bouncer here, as it is a generic term, like bartender, with no reason to be capitalized.

[Destri Melarg]

Whew, it seems that Baurus survived. That was a potential embarrassment dodged. Nothing says ‘oops’ like being killed by goblins on the night of the Emperor’s assassination! And I agree with Acadian that the sight of a twelve year old sitting in a tavern drinking wine is just priceless!

[Petra Arkanian]

SubRosa: Oops, you're right! Sometime spellcheck comes on automatically on my computer! Aparently Baurus is a name! Thanks!

Acadian: Yes, I specificaly left out saying that he was actually dead, but tryed to make the reader believe it by repeating Alex's opinion a lot!

Destri Melarg: 'Nothing says "oops" like being killed by goblins on the night of the Emperor's assassination!' Exactally! !

This post has been edited by Petra Arkanian: Dec 13 2010, 09:45 PM

[Petra Arkanian]

Okee, ladies and gents! Part 6, coming your way!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PART 6

I spent the night wandering the empty streets, cataloging good places to rob in my head. No, I'm not really a thief, I just think that way. Most places were shabby, rundown, or too small to find anything good other than perhaps ten coin. 'Useless place', I thought, sighing. Why did people live here anyway?

After my fifth round of wandering Market District, an Imperial Legion Guard stopped me.

"You are familliar," he said bluntly, and held up a poster with a rough painting of me on it. They had gotten my hair wrong - it should have been blood-red, not orange - my eyes should be black, not blue, and my features seemed oddly twisted, morphed into an insane grin. I sighed, wondering how on earth he could even tell, as my face was obscured by a long, black hood. And my skin! It was, like yellow ! It should have been ivory!

"You think that looks like me?" I asked, trying to act taken aback. "She's gotta be at least twenty! And anyway, I thought-"

The Guard cut me off . "You," he insisted.

"Not me. Anyway, I thought that she was already captured!" It was obvious that he knew that, and was only trying to hassle me. He shrunk back into the shadows, watching me roll my eyes theatrically toward him.

Another Guard stepped forward. 'Oh, not again,' I thought, but he was already speaking.

"Sorry about Amus," He said, "He's usually like that." I stared blankly at him until he sighed. "Okay, what did I do?" The Guard seemed genuinely concerned - a trait I had never associated with Imperial Legioners -.

"Uh, what? Nothing," I stuttered. He sighed once again, and held out his hand. "Seth Dormor," he said.

"Um..." I debated telling my real name, and finally said, "Alex Deadalu." I couldn't find a reason to lie to him.

"So you were the assassin." I mentally slapped my forehead. 'Idiot!' I thought.

"Uh, actually, I..." My brain was blank (not something that had ever happened, let me assure you), and I stuttered to a halt.

"So you are," said Seth. He didn't sound the least bit surprised. "I thought so. You had a wary look in your eye, like everyone was your enemy."

"You sound like you know about it."

"Ahh, no, that is... um. Erm." he squirmed uncomfortably. I grinned at him, and raised my eyebrows.

This post has been edited by Petra Arkanian: Dec 14 2010, 01:29 PM

[Acadian]

Three comments here:

1. What a wonderful method of 'showing' us more about Alex's apprearance! Very clever indeed!

2. Starting in the middle of your chapter, it looks like the italics controls got away from you. Take a look at the second half of the chapter and consider some adjustments perhaps. There are a couple stray [i] kind of symbols and much of your italics use seems almost random.

3. I'm not quite sure I follow the interactions with the guards. Specifically, I'm not sure what our twelve year old did that caused an Imperial Legion guard to 'shrink back into the shadows', then she somehow caused another to 'squirm uncomfortably'. Quite unexpected behavior for armor-clad professional soldiers when questioning a child wandering around at night? Between her apparent combat skills, comfort in bars, verbal dueling skills and reputation as an assassin, your portrayal of Alex appears to be bordering on that of a 24 year old, not a child half that age?

[mALX]

Three comments here:

1. What a wonderful method of 'showing' us more about Alex's apprearance! Very clever indeed!

2. Starting in the middle of your chapter, it looks like the italics controls got away from you. Take a look at the second half of the chapter and consider some adjustments perhaps. There are a couple stray [i] kind of symbols and much of your italics use seems almost random.

3. I'm not quite sure I follow the interactions with the guards. Specifically, I'm not sure what our twelve year old did that caused an Imperial Legion guard to 'shrink back into the shadows', then she somehow caused another to 'squirm uncomfortably'. Quite unexpected behavior for armor-clad professional soldiers when questioning a child wandering around at night? Between her apparent combat skills, comfort in bars, verbal dueling skills and reputation as an assassin, your portrayal of Alex appears to be bordering on that of a 24 year old, not a child half that age?

I have to agree with Acadian on all of the above. You created a situation where your description came into play admirably - very slick !!

The italics do need fixing, that is not your fault. Also, I noticed some of your tags on dialogue - two different people talking in the same paragraph ends up being confusing to the reader, if you can seperate them it would help greatly.

The third thing Acadian mentioned - I have to agree with as well, but I would go so far as to say the character is coming across a lot older than 24 even.

Too skilled in weapons for a 12 year old tends to end up being unbelievable simply by strength. She is fighting trained soldiers, assassins, etc - and they are grown men. And if she is (at 12) strong enough to overcome grown men, readers will wonder why/how

- is she the child of a Daedric prince?
- An ancient vampire's offspring (Like the Gray Prince, who was stronger than humans), etc.

It's okay to make her that mighty for a 12 year old, I just wondered if there is a reason she is.

The drinking in the tavern was hard to swallow (pun intended) - in Germany the legal age to drink is 14 years old - True, Nords are known to drink, so maybe there are 12 year olds drinking in taverns in Skyrim, but in Cyrodiil? - I was skeptical about that.

Her banter, repartee, ability to handle drunks adeptly - frighten soldiers into submission - and being a DB assassin - all at 12 years old - very hard to picture.

My pea brain can't come up with any possible way she could have developed that much life experience in only 12 years - (except one in which a 36 year old former assassin turned barfly dies, and her evil spirit is not willing to leave Nirn so swoops into the body of a newborn, battles the baby's soul and wins - then lives inside that child, making it do evil crimes and fast action in bars)

...well, and then there is the one about her being orphaned and sold into slavery as a baby - where she was put into unspeakable situations for a child

My scenarios are silly, I know - but your imagination and creativity may have a really good reason she has so much life experience and skills in so short a life - enquiring minds (mine) want to know how she got this way.

Please don't take this as criticism, it is not - only a nudge to tell us more about your protagonist so we can understand how she came to be who she is at such a young age. If you do a flashback, or a bio - I'm there, because I'm dying to know how she got this way.

Your writing is improving with each chapter, keep up the good work !!!

[Petra Arkanian]

Acadian: 1; Thx! 2; Thanks! my sister was messing around on the computer while I was typing. I thought I go everything, but I guess not. She probably... yeah, she hit the send button prematurely. Fffft. And she's supposed to be mature! (Rolls eyes) 3; Well, I have a secret... mwhahaha! Mayhappeth I'll tell later...!

mALX: Most of your scenarios are good! Never woulda thoughta 'em! Nice! Perhaps a bio is in order... Yes. In my next comment (aka, as soon as I know how to do those spoiler things...)

And now for maybe posting the stuff my older sister deleted or something, or maybe fixing the nits... or maybe writing a bio on Alex Deadalu!

[Petra Arkanian]

Okay! The bio on everything that has happened so far, to explain stuff a bit further, and another biography on things possibly yet to come!

Alex Deadalu was born on... 12 years ago (sorry! ). Her parents were Darigus Deadalu and Jessyca Smythe. By sad mistake, Alex was born in Cheydinhal, where, after 3 years of her birth, the dark brotherhood came. Her father (who was more a scoundrel than anything else) had bet Alex on a few games of poker. Being drunk at the time, he lost, of course. The man who 'won' Alex then proceeded to bet, and lose on other card games. In the end, it happens to be a man named Lucien Lachance who walked away, undefeated, from the Inn. Not only did he now have a very large amount of gold, he also was in posession of Alex.

Alex was whisked away for training, and by the time she was 8, she'd had her first kill. Steadily rising in rank, she becomes the second-in-command, until... she fails to kill a Blade. Not Barus, but Kathren. She is discarded from the Brotherhood, by way of making her do an impossible task. The couple that she had grown up with, Julian and Mary Delphiki (no, they don't exist in the game to my knowledge), were slotted for death. At that time, she was 12. Instead of killing who she thought was her biological parents, she turned herself in for a murderer.

With her childhood already completely ruined, she is taken from the cell with the Emperor of Tamriel, who she then sees die. The one friend she might have possibly made is dragged away with goblins. Rather sad, (I say rather because she didn't really know emotions very well and had no idea how to go about being heart broken or devastated) she heads of the the Imperial City, and what does she find, but a rumor about Barus and his extremely bloodied and worn state!

So, what we have know, instead of the beautiful baby girl we started out with, we now have a tough, hardened twelve year old who's cunning and deadly enough to kill anyone. Not really strong, emotionally or physically, (She always defeated her various enemies with clever manuvers) she is thrust into a friendship with a certain trouble-attracting 16 year old Legion Guard named Seth Dormor...


okay, theres the first bio. And now, if you really want to read the double spoiler, which is focused on the future, please do, but don't tell anyone!

I may vary occaisionaly from the spoiler, so this is probably just an outline.

... and now I am very angry, because the spoiler isn't working at all! hmmm. well, crap. okee. maybe... I'm gonna try and put this on another comment...



This post has been edited by Petra Arkanian: Dec 14 2010, 02:27 PM

[Petra Arkanian]

okay. Nevermind. sorry.

This post has been edited by Petra Arkanian: Dec 14 2010, 02:21 PM

[mALX]

. Her father (who was more a scoundrel than anything else) had bet Alex on a few games of poker. Being drunk at the time, he lost, of course. The man who 'won' Alex then proceeded to bet, and lose on other card games. In the end, it happens to be a man named Lucien Lachance who walked away, undefeated, from the Inn. Not only did he now have a very large amount of gold, he also was in posession of Alex.

AWESOME !!!! I knew you could do a better scenario than me !!!! I love it !!!!

Alex was whisked away for training, and by the time she was 8, she'd had her first kill. Steadily rising in rank, she becomes the second-in-command, until... she fails to kill a Blade. Not Barus, but Kathren. She is discarded from the Brotherhood, by way of making her do an impossible task. The couple that she had grown up with, Julian and Mary Delphiki (no, they don't exist in the game to my knowledge), were slotted for death. At that time, she was 12. Instead of killing who she thought was her biological parents, she turned herself in for a murderer.

With her childhood already completely ruined, she is taken from the cell with the Emperor of Tamriel, who she then sees die. The one friend she might have possibly made is dragged away with goblins. Rather sad, (I say rather because she didn't really know emotions very well and had no idea how to go about being heart broken or devastated) she heads of the the Imperial City, and what does she find, but a rumor about Barus and his extremely bloodied and worn state!

So, what we have know, instead of the beautiful baby girl we started out with, we now have a tough, hardened twelve year old who's cunning and deadly enough to kill anyone. Not really strong, emotionally or physically, (She always defeated her various enemies with clever manuvers) she is thrust into a friendship with a certain trouble-attracting 16 year old Legion Guard named Seth Dormor... [/b]


okay, theres the first bio. And now, if you really want to read the double spoiler, which is focused on the future, please do, but don't tell anyone!

I may vary occaisionaly from the spoiler, so this is probably just an outline.

... and now I am very angry, because the spoiler isn't working at all! hmmm. well, crap. okee. maybe... I'm gonna try and put this on another comment...

I love this!! You have an AWESOMELY creative mind, this ROCKS !!! Thank you, Petra!! Now I can get closer to your character, understanding her !!! Great storyline !!!

This post has been edited by mALX: Dec 14 2010, 04:02 PM

[Petra Arkanian]

Wow, Thanks, mALX! I just kinda went along with it, and, seriously, that spoiler thing is SOOOOO annoying. It took me half an hour to realize how to get it to work right.!

[mALX]

Wow, Thanks, mALX! I just kinda went along with it, and, seriously, that spoiler thing is SOOOOO annoying. It took me half an hour to realize how to get it to work right.!

I love the background story you created. It is SUPER interesting, and explains how she became who she is at 12. You have a hugely creative mind, and your story/chapters are well thought out and written, especially now that I have a clearer idea of who she is - I LOVE it !!!

Great Job on this, and I am excited to see where you take it !!!