A Daughter's Promise ~ Lissa Cristenn's Journal Options

[SubRosa]

A nice little talk with Auntie Rohssan, and some badgering from her fairy godfather to start acting like a grown-up. Shatterheart is a great name for a hammer (although I do like The Tenderizer from FO3 too...) s is a good one too.

a rather loud Nord
Aren't they all?

Finally what had started out as a nice girl's day out turned into a blood bath! Who was that madman? And how were the legionaries transfixed so as to not see his attack? It seems darker forces are stirring in Lissa's life...



nits:
“Lissa, please get of the counter.”
I think Jessie took Lissa's extra "f" from off with her.

“NO! You’re not the boss of me!
Reminds me of a certain bosmer bowgirl from Bravil! However, Jessie also absconded with the closing quote here.

I turned to see Rohssan, back from the basement. Without hesitation I gently hopped
off the counter. I noticed something in Rohssan’s hand. A large warhammer.
A line break got inserted into the middle of your second sentence.

Cool hammer.
“Cool hammer, Auntie Rohssan.” I said enthusiastically. It was pretty awesome.
It feels redundant for Lissa to think it then say exactly the same thing. I think you can just delete the thought. Or perhaps change her dialogue somewhat, so she is not saying exactly what she is thinking.

It’s your fathers.
you missed the possessive apostrophe in father's . Same with dad's later on.

“Even though it was dads?”
This is a tricky one. When a term for a family relation is used in place of the person's name, it should be capitalized. If not it is lowercase. So in this case it ought to be Dad's (don't forget the possessive apostrophe too). The easiest way to tell is to replace the word with the person's actual name, and see how the sentence reads. "It was your Andre's." would obviously be wrong, so father's is lowercase. "It was Andre's." does read correctly, so uppercase Father's.

THE DRANGON FIRES!
I am thinking that cooky Breton meant Dragon Fires.

I heard the release of a drawn bowstring followed by an arrow shooting inside the crazy guys head
You need another possessive apostrophe in guy's

We began to walk away from the scene with the guards still in a mystical trance and the crazy guy led on the floor
I am not sure what word you wanted there. Bled perhaps?

[King Coin]

That old guy really knows how to kill the mood ruin the beginning of an adventure for the two girls doesn't he? Great write! Lissa has some growing up to do, but I'm enjoying all the attitude she's giving Rihanae.

This post has been edited by King Coin: Apr 13 2011, 01:18 AM

[TrisRed]

I have made an edit for the journal. Each time an origional character is introduced i will put a picture of them attached to a link the first time their name is mentioned. The first link, for example, is in Chapter 3 part 1 for Jessie. So check it out!

By the way, as i am currently on console, the picture quality is awful

[Grits]

Great, thanks for the pics! I would rather have a photo of a screen than no picture at all. I’m on a console, too, so I can relate!

[mALX]

Lissa, please get of the counter.” Rihanae nagged.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because it won’t look good on Rohssan if a customer walks in and the first thing they see will be you sitting on the counter like a child!”

“So?” I replied. I enjoyed winding him up.

ROFL !!! She likes tormenting her spirit guide - ROFL !!!!

“NO! You’re not the boss of me!

ROFL !!! Lissa in the Middle, lol.


Loved the ring of strength before lifting the hammer, and the name "Shatterheart" - really nice touch !!!

Really scary scene in the Talos Plaza - crazy - but with accurate psychic visions !!!

Awesome Write !!


PS - I love Lissa's screenie !!!!


*

[Acadian]

Some delightful interaction between Lissa and Rihanae/Jessie/Rohssan.

Shatterheart is indeed a great name! And a wonderfully handy ring to support it. Oh, and a new bracelet as well.

A fun day in the city suddenly turns dark indeed. Very mysterious now!

Thanks for the pictures!

Nits: I limited things to just the first five I came across because I don't want to detract from your wonderful story by overly picking at mundane details; yet I do want to provide you some feedback to enhance your effectiveness at the craft of storytelling.

“AH! You’re back!” Said Rohssan as I walked through the shop door, back into her presence.
Simple speech tag. 'Said' should be 'said'.

She beckoned me over to sit with her, so I did. I sat next to her on the wooden bench, a grin spread across her face.
Having sit/sat in such close proximity is redundant. Lots of ways to fix it; perhaps: 'She beckoned me over to sit with her on a wooden bench. As I did so, a grin spread across her face.'

Rohssan rose from her seat and headed toward the basement door at the far end of the shop, opened it and dissapeared.
'disappeared'.

I stood up from my seat and grabbed the hammer, which Rohssan and placed on the table before She took the ring off.
Two problems. 'had placed' instead of 'and placed'. You want 'she' vs 'She'.

We were stood outside her shop.
I would recommend dropping the 'were'.

[Thomas Kaira]

So, it really is that important for Lissa to get to Chorrol? Come on Rihanae, what could possibly happen, the end of the world?

That Breton really did need a good doctor, his ample gray matter was so twisted and tangled around itself he couldn't make up whether or not Lissa was to be praised or killed!

Nibbles:

"Like I said; she can talk for Cyrodiil!”

Semicolon use here. You don't have two independent clauses to separate here, so the semicolon should be a comma.

“No.” Rihanae interrupted. I ignored him, again.

You forgot to italicize Rihanae's quote here.

I turned my tone serious. Well, more serious than it was, anyway

Forum gobbled your period...

“Now, have you done everything you needed to do here?

...and absconded with your closing quote.

This post has been edited by Thomas Kaira: Apr 14 2011, 01:56 AM

[TrisRed]

Im thinking about writing a short fanfic about Jessie's early life up untill her encounter with Lissa. What does everybody think about this?

Also, the next chapter of Lissa's journal should be here tommorow

[Lady Syl]

I have only just started reading this--I hope you don't mind if I comment on the beginning of the story...

Wow. I love that you made Lissa the sister of Maelona--connecting her to one of the game characters gives us a great foundation to build on--we feel more connected to it, more familiar. And then the end of the part one prologue completely threw me. I was not expecting this! I haven't read any further, so I don't know yet if it was indeed her father who is responsible for all those deaths, but it certainly appears that way. What an excellent way to get us hooked from the very start.

I have just one nit to point out--I was incredibly exited. It appears you missed the c in excited.

[TrisRed]

I have only just started reading this--I hope you don't mind if I comment on the beginning of the story...

Wow. I love that you made Lissa the sister of Maelona--connecting her to one of the game characters gives us a great foundation to build on--we feel more connected to it, more familiar. And then the end of the part one prologue completely threw me. I was not expecting this! I haven't read any further, so I don't know yet if it was indeed her father who is responsible for all those deaths, but it certainly appears that way. What an excellent way to get us hooked from the very start.

I have just one nit to point out--I was incredibly exited. It appears you missed the c in excited.

Hello Lady Syl, and welcome to Lissa's journal!

Thank you for your kind comments i'm glad you enjoy the inclusion of Maelona as Lissa's sister. I wanted the readers and Lissa to have some sort.of connection so someone already in game

Feel free to comment as you read more, you reception will be very appreciated

As for the nits, im slowly working on the edits

[TrisRed]

Just to let everybody know i am re-starting Lissa's journal. Do not panic, everything i have written will remain the same, only some things might get taken out and i will definatly put more things in.

I am just not happy with the quality of my work and i just feel like as i have restarted Lissa, she would feel it best to re-start her journal as well.

I know i could just edit what i have written but i dont want new readers to get confused by reading comments that apply to work that isn't there!

I dont know when i will be re-starting, but it will be soon.

Thanks

[SubRosa]

No worries. If you think you can improve things, then by all means re-tool and come back with Lissa 2.0. Many of us here took advantage of moving between forums to do the exact same thing. It worked out incredibly well for me. I suggest starting a new thread when you are ready to restart, and asking a moderator to close this one at that time, to avoid any confusion between the two.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Apr 18 2011, 09:22 PM

[TrisRed]

No worries. If you think you can improve things, then by all means re-tool and come back with Lissa 2.0. Many of us here took advantage of moving between forums to do the exact same thing. It worked out incredibly well for me. I suggest starting a new thread when you are ready to restart, and asking a moderator to close this one at that time, to avoid any confusion between the two.

Thanks for understanding. I just feel like I could have done things in previous chapters so much better. I have all these things I wish I put in, for example the edits I made today to the first part of the prologue has almost doubled it in size. I really think you'll like the new thread

[King Coin]

I'm looking forward to it!

[Acadian]

A new start, how exciting!

I found when I started transferring my story here from another forum that it truly became a new start where I treated existing episodes merely as rough drafts. Some were not bad, some went into the bin, some underwent varying degrees of rework, while still others were born where none previously existed.

I believe this is your first serious foray into fanfic, so what you are learning will serve you very well. The main thing is that your character certainly has a distinct personality that speaks clearly to you - and therefore to us. Your growing experience will ensure that as you bring Lissa to us, she speaks with even more endearing clarity.

I'm really looking forward to this. Since it will be a restart, you might consider opening it on a new thread when you get ready, as SubRosa suggests. We'll be anxiously waiting!

[mALX]

<3

[TrisRed]

The new versian is up. how would i go about getting a mod to delete THIS thread?

[King Coin]

just send one a message I imagine.