The Journal of Shakur "the Red" Ir Shin Options

[Red]

color=white]I have decided to do this FanFic as a Journal recovered from Shakur's tomb, and not an autobiography.[/color]

On a certain night, of a certain month all contained in a certain year, I sat at the dinner table, chewing away, laughing, talking and smiling. I had invited my friend Hides-In-Eyes, a very sneaky Argonian but a good lad, for dinner. My parents, my sister, my friend and myself sat around the table, until the “Raining” took place. A flush of flaming arrows landed at once like hail on a tin roof, one piercing through the wood and cutting Hides-In-Eyes’ hand. Four men, three Imperials and one Dunmer rushed in. I was fourteen, fourteen, when I drew blood. Most 50 year olds haven’t killed a man. But there I was, stabbing an imperial in the face with a steak knife and then strangling another with my hands. And yet I didn’t think. I just acted. Watching my mother burning a man to death isn’t all too pleasant either. The Dunmer had been set aflame, but escaped death by ripping of his shirt. He ran screaming “You Redguard S’wit are scum!”. And that wasn’t the bad part. The town ignored it. They ignored the neighbors stopping the fire on the arrows. They ignored Hides-In-Eyes’ stitched wound. They ignored the bodies being dragged off by the local mage. They ignored that whole night as if it were torn from the calendar. But no one could ignore the Daedric writing on the robe. The writing that only the local librarian deciphered. Raelan Telganii.[/b]

[gamer10]

Oooohh .. More would be nice.

To get you to write more I present you with a :cake:

[Mazuk]

Nice. FYI to bold something put in [ b ] words [ / b ]. but no spaces.

And yes more would be awesome. Looks around for Ice Cream...

[Red]

Thanks everybody! I'm just starting chapter 2 now.

[Fuzzy Knight]

You're a great writer Red, I knew that from seeing your posts on RP... It would be very nice if you could post more, or at least have more in your chapter if your starting on Chapter 2 already...

But anyway... Its great, just keep it up and I'll stay happy :hugesmile:

:goodjob:

[Red]

Some of the chapters are short but there will be many chapters.

[Dantrag]

Go Red go!

sweet story. I want to hug it. :paperbag:

[minque]

very nice start....really! you may consider some paragraphing though...makes it more easy to read....


ehhm....2 jonajosas... :goodjob: :goodjob:

[Dantrag]

*gasp* TWO jonajosas?

this story will be a new york times bestseller!!

[gamer10]

:goodjob: :goodjob: :goodjob:

Three of them.

[Red]

Three?!?!?!?!?!?!?! The bible has nothing on me.

[MerGirl]

Ooh, this is cool, reading Shakur's story! I really liked Shakur, and I hope you'll write more about him, pweeeeeeese?

Anyway, really good beginning. Really fast paced. :goodjob:

A bite of Constructive Critique if you don't mind: I wish you had added more details, ya know? It would add alot to a really good action scene. Also, I feel like there could be more... feelings and intensity in the beginning. Ya know, we really would like to feel for your characters, really get to know them on the inside and why does he care for these people.

I hope you can on writing and please add more! I love Shakur, and I was always wondering about his backstory, his life, etc. So, please write! :goodjob:

[Red]

Thanks for the tips. It was more of a experiment on how I'm gonna write it.

[jonajosa]

[quote=gamer10]:goodjob: :goodjob: :goodjob:

Three of them.[/quote]

ehem! I believe thats enough use of those for one day.

..... ...... :goodjob: :goodjob: :goodjob: :goodjob:

[Red]

Praise from Caeser.

[Dantrag]

yes, Red, you have an awesome story...stop rubbing it in my face!!! :crying4:

[treydog]

An interesting start. Hope to see more detail in the next installment. We know the character's age, but not his race, abilities, etc. Of course, it is useful to hand those things out in small doses instead of a lump- for ex. race can be handled as a confrontation with a guard or a bully (if there's a difference ) like so:

"You there, tree-hugger, where do you think you're going?" (if the character is a Bosmer).

Anyway, please treat us to more of this story.

[Red]

Okay, Here's the Chapter two rough draft:

The Few

Two. Two was the numbers of Ansei of my town. As my father, the first Ansei, told me when I was five “An Ansei is what happens when you mix a bad situation, desperation, a Shehei, war and magick” I now understand he wasn’t joking.

When I was eighteen, I finally summoned a Shehei, when the village was desperate when the “Five Roses” landed their five ships in our harbor and shot arrows and swung swords, killing a total of eighteen. I went into a frenzy, not even noticing the summoned sword in my hand. I killed fourteen of the ninety men. The archers and brave fighters of our town sank two ships and killed fifty one men, not counting those men on the sunken ships. I danced through them without even knowing. That is an adrenaline rush.

That is why I believe I am still alive. Because I learned that I cannot depend on everyone else. For if I did, how could people depend on me? How could I help these brave souls I travel with if I needed them more than I need them?

[Dantrag]

*wonders how he missed an update*

good start of a chapter! (GO RED GO!)

[Red]

I think I might scrap this story actually. Don't panic! It's being rewritten in third person. First person makes progressing difficult. But be patient, it will be back and improved.