Riftens Cyrodilic Journal, First Fan-Fiction, Don't go toooo harsh on me :) Options

[Riften]

Anyway, here's a small tid-bit on Riften: Riften is a kind adventurous Elf who was born in 3E 399 Valenwood, back then he was a religious Bosmer who went on many pilgrimages which gained him high standards with the Divines. Talos granted him Immortality and the Gift to change race and province at any time during his life, But he only does it every couple of years when he feels like his life during that time is uneventful or boring.

During his time travelling all of Tamriel he was Bosmer
During his time in Morrowind he was Dunmer
During his time in Cyrodill he was Manmer
During his time in Skyrim he was Altmer

Chapter 1:The Arrival

I awoke to find the shining sun blinding my eyes, as I stood up, something caught the corner of my eye, in the distance I could see beautiful, lush forests, Guards galloping on their elegant steeds. As I turned around, I was awestruck, a huge city, Ayleid architecture. I knew where I was, the glorious pride of the Empire, The Imperial City.

I was galloping to the entrance, something caught my eye that made me stop in my tracks, a foul smell crawled up my nose. There was a sewer with a deceased Dunmer laying there with nasty deep wounds. That reminded me, I didn't even know what race I was. I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton! Thank Talos for that! As I looted the Dunmers badly wounded body, I noticed he was carrying a journal.

He went by the name "Valen Dreth" his journal was poorly written, barely readable, I squinted my eyes, it says that he was a prisoner in the City jail, poor fellow, he was only a week away from being free when a well dressed Imperial and a group of well armoured warriors, probably his bodyguards. The well dressed Imperial handed him an amulet, at least I think, after all it is barely readable. anyway, lets move on.



That's the end of Chapter 1 anyway, any feedback, tips, etc.... is welcome!

I'll be doing longer updates on Monday, Wednesday, Friday

This post has been edited by minque: Oct 28 2011, 03:39 PM

[Thomas Kaira]

Welcome to the Arena! Glad to see another potential here!

An interesting start, having Dreth be the one who the Emperor met. I guess this invalidates the Dark Brotherhood questline for Riften, eh?

Now, for some advice, particularly on imagery...

I awoke to find the shining sun blinding my eyes, as I stood up, something caught the corner of my eye, in the distance I could see beautiful, lush forests, Guards galloping on their steeds. As I turned around, I was blown away, a huge city, beautiful architecture, I knew where I was, the glorious pride of the Empire, The Imperial City.

You are using the word 'beautiful' quite a bit in this paragraph. Repeating the same word over and over again in the same description is not very interesting, and makes the scene feel more clinical than life-like. When you are describing things, have fun with the words! Grab up a thesaurus and find a few words you've never used before, or practice your similes or metaphors! Imagery can really sell a story, and it's great fun to write, too! (And great fun to read if you had fun writing it! )

Nits:

There was a sewer with a deceased Dunmer laying there with nasty deep wounds, That reminded me, I didn't even know what race I was, I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton.

There are two comma splices in this sentence (which is to say, that sentence could be split in three with no need to rewrite any of them). The first is rather obvious: between wounds and That (since that is capitalized, I think you intended that comma to be a period). The second is here:
That reminded me, I didn't even know what race I was{,} I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton.
That comma is spliced. It should be a period.

He goes by the name "Valen Dreth" his journal was poorly written, barely unreadable, I squinted my eyes, barely able to read, it seems

The bolded text is redundant. No need to explain something you've already explained.

I like what I see so far, and I would definitely encourage you to continue writing. Practice is the best way to get better.

This post has been edited by Thomas Kaira: Oct 16 2011, 12:17 AM

[Riften]

Welcome to the Arena! Glad to see another potential here!

An interesting start, having Dreth be the one who the Emperor met. I guess this invalidates the Dark Brotherhood questline for Riften, eh?

Now, for some advice, particularly on imagery...

I awoke to find the shining sun blinding my eyes, as I stood up, something caught the corner of my eye, in the distance I could see beautiful, lush forests, Guards galloping on their steeds. As I turned around, I was blown away, a huge city, beautiful architecture, I knew where I was, the glorious pride of the Empire, The Imperial City.

You are using the word 'beautiful' quite a bit in this paragraph. Repeating the same word over and over again in the same description is not very interesting, and makes the scene feel more clinical than life-like. When you are describing things, have fun with the words! Grab up a thesaurus and find a few words you've never used before, or practice your similes or metaphors! Imagery can really sell a story, and it's great fun to write, too! (And great fun to read if you had fun writing it! )

Nits:

There was a sewer with a deceased Dunmer laying there with nasty deep wounds, That reminded me, I didn't even know what race I was, I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton.

There are two comma splices in this sentence (which is to say, that sentence could be split in three with no need to rewrite any of them). The first is rather obvious: between wounds and That (since that is capitalized, I think you intended that comma to be a period). The second is here:
That reminded me, I didn't even know what race I was{,} I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton.
That comma is spliced. It should be a period.

He goes by the name "Valen Dreth" his journal was poorly written, barely unreadable, I squinted my eyes, barely able to read, it seems

The bolded text is redundant. No need to explain something you've already explained.

I like what I see so far, and I would definitely encourage you to continue writing. Practice is the best way to get better.

Thanks for the greeting, Acadian recommended me to come here and of course the feedback, I edited my post

I Will be sure to keep updating this, seems to be a lot of cool people here from the Official forums, E.g you, Acadian Rosa, Coin etc.....

This post has been edited by Riften: Oct 16 2011, 12:38 AM

[Thomas Kaira]

Rule number one: ENJOY YOURSELF!

That is all we are here for, to share the joys of reading and writing.

[Riften]

Rule number one: ENJOY YOURSELF!

That is all we are here for, to share the joys of reading and writing.

That's what I intend on doing
I Love reading here when I have nothing to do, just sit down, relax and read some Fan-fic.
And writing mine of course

[King Coin]

Hey, you're Talos on the BethSoft forums right?

I'll read this hopefully tonight.

Welcome!

[Riften]

Chapter 2:Imperial City, Arcane University

As I strolled up to the gate entrance a guard started walking towards me

"Hail, Breton, you look new here, am I correct?" he said

"Yes, I just arrived in Cyrodill from Morrowind on ehhh.......boat" I said

"Ahh......Okay, you should head to the Market district and go to the Office of Imperial Commerce and fill out some documents"

"No problem, I'll head there now"

I headed into the city, it was filled with bustling people. It truly has grown since I last saw it.

I walked into the office and was greeted by a young Imperial girl.

"Hello sir!, are you new around here?" she said

"Yes, one of the guards directed me here to sign some papers"

"Hmm......let me just head out back and grab those papers"

She burst through the door handing me a document and quill, I hope it doesn't look suspicious,

Name:Riften
Race:Breton
Birthsign:Mage
Class:Shadow Mage
Province:Cyrodill

She grabbed it out of my hands at the very second I finished writing.

"Is that it?" I said

"Indeed, That's all sir"

"Thank you very much but before I go, could you point me in the direction of the Arcane University"?

This post has been edited by Riften: Oct 16 2011, 11:11 AM

[Riften]

Hey, you're Talos on the BethSoft forums right?

I'll read this hopefully tonight.

Welcome!

Yes, It is indeed me, thanks for the welcome!
much better than having fishy sticks shoved into your face.

[Acadian]

A warm welcome to you and your story!

I love your concept of the immortal elf who can periodically come back, routinely changing to a different kind of elf. I like the fact that you pay elven homage to the manmer Bretonic race.

* * *

Chapter One. Three paragraphs that tease us right into your story and effectively tell us what we need to know at this point. We have many questions, but that is why we will return to learn more as your manmer reveals it.

Oh, let’s touch on just a few tiny things to consider in your editing.

Capitalization. You use the word ‘Journal’, then in the next sentence use ‘journal’. I would go with the uncapitalized version in both cases. Another way to look at this is to ask, why in the world would you capitalize journal unless you were talking about the title of a specific book like Riften’s Journal or Buffy’s Journal.

Tenses. In your last paragraph, you say he 'goes' by the name Valen Dreth. Two problems here. Valen is dead and your story is in the past tense. Both these factors suggest that he 'went' by the name Valen Dreth. In the next sentence, you use another present tense word, seems. This is less problematic because it can depend on your intent. Seems would be okay if your intent is to imply permanency – using seems in a past tense story implies that Valen did seem and would continue to seem a prisoner. It can be tricky to use and not recommended in this instance.

Long sentences. Short crisp sentences will generally trump long complicated ones. If you review your post, you will see a marked trend toward overly long sentences. Lots of commas are a good clue that your sentences are too long.

Word selection. ‘…journal was poorly written, barely unreadable.’ This doesn’t work and is somewhat analogous to a double negative. If it was barely (or otherwise) unreadable, our hero couldn’t read it. What you want is: ‘…journal was poorly written, barely readable.’ Or, if you prefer, you could say ‘…journal was poorly written, almost unreadable.’

* * *

Chapter Two. I was very surprised to see you posting a new update (albeit they are short). I was in the process of posting my comments on Chapter One when I just happened to check and realize you had just posted Chapter Two. Don’t do that. If you want to post a longer update, say even up to 2000 words, do so, but don’t post updates more often than three times a week. Give people plenty of time to savor your posts and realize that most of us follow quite a few other stories. Don’t burn out your readers by either too much or too fast.

Okay, now Chapter Two itself. We learn much of our mage here. You presented everything in an interesting a logical manner. Clever use of the immigration papers to spill Riften’s essentials to us. Riften then indicates he seems interested in an Arcane education perhaps.

Let me just focus on one troublesome area here:
’I headed into the city, it was filled with bustling people, It truly has grown since I last seen it.
I walked into the office and was greeted by a young Imperial girl'
1. The first sentence is a run on of too many clauses. Even you sort of realize that as you capitalized ‘It’ in the middle of the sentence. Simply rework this into two smooth sentences.
2. At the end of the first sentence, you want ‘saw’, not ‘seen’.
3. Since the second sentence starts a new line, I presume you intend for it to be a new paragraph? If so, add a line space between paragraphs. If it is your intent that it all be one paragraph, then don’t push the last sentence to start its own line.
4. Add a period to the end of the last sentence after ‘girl’.

* * *

Again, I’m so pleased that you are bringing Riften to us here at Chorrol. You are off to a wonderful and interesting start. I very much look forward to reading more - after you give everyone some time to enjoy what you have already posted.

[Riften]

A warm welcome to you and your story!

I love your concept of the immortal elf who can periodically come back, routinely changing to a different kind of elf. I like the fact that you pay elven homage to the manmer Bretonic race.

* * *

Chapter One. Three paragraphs that tease us right into your story and effectively tell us what we need to know at this point. We have many questions, but that is why we will return to learn more as your manmer reveals it.

Oh, let’s touch on just a few tiny things to consider in your editing.

Capitalization. You use the word ‘Journal’, then in the next sentence use ‘journal’. I would go with the uncapitalized version in both cases. Another way to look at this is to ask, why in the world would you capitalize journal unless you were talking about the title of a specific book like Riften’s Journal or Buffy’s Journal.

Tenses. In your last paragraph, you say he 'goes' by the name Valen Dreth. Two problems here. Valen is dead and your story is in the past tense. Both these factors suggest that he 'went' by the name Valen Dreth. In the next sentence, you use another present tense word, seems. This is less problematic because it can depend on your intent. Seems would be okay if your intent is to imply permanency – using seems in a past tense story implies that Valen did seem and would continue to seem a prisoner. It can be tricky to use and not recommended in this instance.

Long sentences. Short crisp sentences will generally trump long complicated ones. If you review your post, you will see a marked trend toward overly long sentences. Lots of commas are a good clue that your sentences are too long.

Word selection. ‘…journal was poorly written, barely unreadable.’ This doesn’t work and is somewhat analogous to a double negative. If it was barely (or otherwise) unreadable, our hero couldn’t read it. What you want is: ‘…journal was poorly written, barely readable.’ Or, if you prefer, you could say ‘…journal was poorly written, almost unreadable.’

* * *

Chapter Two. I was very surprised to see you posting a new update (albeit they are short). I was in the process of posting my comments on Chapter One when I just happened to check and realize you had just posted Chapter Two. Don’t do that. If you want to post a longer update, say even up to 2000 words, do so, but don’t post updates more often than three times a week. Give people plenty of time to savor your posts and realize that most of us follow quite a few other stories. Don’t burn out your readers by either too much or too fast.

Okay, now Chapter Two itself. We learn much of our mage here. You presented everything in an interesting a logical manner. Clever use of the immigration papers to spill Riften’s essentials to us. Riften then indicates he seems interested in an Arcane education perhaps.

Let me just focus on one troublesome area here:
’I headed into the city, it was filled with bustling people, It truly has grown since I last seen it.
I walked into the office and was greeted by a young Imperial girl'
1. The first sentence is a run on of too many clauses. Even you sort of realize that as you capitalized ‘It’ in the middle of the sentence. Simply rework this into two smooth sentences.
2. At the end of the first sentence, you want ‘saw’, not ‘seen’.
3. Since the second sentence starts a new line, I presume you intend for it to be a new paragraph? If so, add a line space between paragraphs. If it is your intent that it all be one paragraph, then don’t push the last sentence to start its own line.
4. Add a period to the end of the last sentence after ‘girl’.

* * *

Again, I’m so pleased that you are bringing Riften to us here at Chorrol. You are off to a wonderful and interesting start. I very much look forward to reading more - after you give everyone some time to enjoy what you have already posted.

Thanks for the reply buddy, I'll be sure to edit my post later.
I will be updating this in longer chapters every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

The reason I posted 2 short chapters was just to get started, get his general info out etc......

[Grits]

Welcome, Riften! I’m glad you’re posting your story here.

Riften sounds like an interesting character. I am reminded a little of Orlando, where over the centuries of his/her existence he sometimes wakes up changed.

I looked at my body, pale skin, short, I was a Breton! Thank Talos for that!

Bretons everywhere agree.

I’m looking forward to reading Riften’s adventures. One thing I have learned from the very helpful writers here is to take my time, edit, and polish my work. You would not believe how many mistakes I make when I write, my first drafts are as unreadable as poor Valen Dreth’s journal. This forum does not move as fast as some others, so active stories stay on the front page for awhile.

Anyway, a very warm welcome to you!

[SubRosa]

Hi Talos, welcome to Chorrol. There is no wavey emoticon, so a simple smile will have to do:

You have given us a nice, simple beginning. Yet at the same time dangled some interesting tidbits in front of our noses. Firstly Valen Dreth in a very different role from what we are used to seeing him in. The second being of course Riften's own unique existence, so simply conveyed from him looking down to see what race he is. Since he was a Manmer in Cyrodiil, does that mean at some future game/time Riften will be of the Womanmer race?

I won't go into picking at spelling or grammar nits (as I often do), as others have been there already. However, one thing I do feel obligated to caution you on is feeling the need to tell your readers everything there is to know about your protagonist right out of the gate. We really do not need to know things like their birthsign, skills, etc... immediately. Just a name, a race, and a vague description so we can picture the character in our heads is all a reader needs to start off. Then you can slowly reveal bits and pieces of their abilities - and their past - as the story progresses. That way it just naturally comes out as the character is doing things, talking to people, having memories/dreams/flashbacks, etc... hauteecolerider does an extraordinary job of this with her character Julian in Old Habits Die Hard.

[Riften]

Hi Talos, welcome to Chorrol. There is no wavey emoticon, so a simple smile will have to do:

You have given us a nice, simple beginning. Yet at the same time dangled some interesting tidbits in front of our noses. Firstly Valen Dreth in a very different role from what we are used to seeing him in. The second being of course Riften's own unique existence, so simply conveyed from him looking down to see what race he is. Since he was a Manmer in Cyrodiil, does that mean at some future game/time Riften will be of the Womanmer race?

I won't go into picking at spelling or grammar nits (as I often do), as others have been there already. However, one thing I do feel obligated to caution you on is feeling the need to tell your readers everything there is to know about your protagonist right out of the gate. We really do not need to know things like their birthsign, skills, etc... immediately. Just a name, a race, and a vague description so we can picture the character in our heads is all a reader needs to start off. Then you can slowly reveal bits and pieces of their abilities - and their past - as the story progresses. That way it just naturally comes out as the character is doing things, talking to people, having memories/dreams/flashbacks, etc... hauteecolerider does an extraordinary job of this with her character Julian in Old Habits Die Hard.

Thanks Rosa!

He will actually stay Breton for as long as I'm playing Oblivion, then If I get around to playing Skyrim, I'll be Altmeri, like I said in Chapter 1

[Riften]

Chapter 3 - Disappointment at the University

"Oh okay, let me check my map here, just a moment." she said

"Ahh, once you get to the Arboretum, you will see a gate, enter it and your there."

"Thank you milady, bye bye now."

I left the shop, the clatter of the people hustling and bustling ringed in my ear. I literally couldn't wait
to get to the marvellous Arcane University.
But as I said earlier, nothing interesting really happened so I'll just skip ahead to my arrival.
The gates opened, battlemages, scholars, apprentices, you name it.

"Hail Breton! this humble battlemage welcomes you. What is your business here? he said

"Ahh....I'm here to join this guild of mages I have heard so much about"

"Your business is with Raminus Polus, he should be in the Lobby, just head through that door over there"

I entered the university, I was in awe with the amount of books there, I knew I was going to fit in very well here.

A male Imperial wandered over to me and asked me if I needed any help

"Yes, I'm here to join the university, I'm a master of in the schools of Destruction and Alteration. Would it be possible to join without recommendations? seeing as I am a master in two schools?"

"No, not at all, you must be a master of at least three schools, as you said, you are only a master of two"

Of course I was very annoyed by the fact that I MUST bring back recommendations from EVERY city in the whole of Cyrodill.
Never mind that, at least for now, I need to get a home first and to get a home, I need septims!
how was I to get septim? I have no idea. I departed the university and I stopped in my tracks, there was an elven bow and arrows! Thank Auri-El! I was ecstatic, I could finally go hunting again!

This post has been edited by Riften: Oct 17 2011, 05:43 PM

[Acadian]

Uh oh! It looks like Riften’s plan to pop right into the University have been sidelined by those pesky recommendations. Well, at least he found a bow and some arrows that may help him in his travels.

Okay, there were a few punctuation, capitalization, spelling and paragraph format/spacing oversights in this episode. Honestly though, what I would like to see you work most on at this point is the long comma-connected run on sentences that should be broken up. Here is perhaps the best example of a sentence that screams to be three:
’I entered the university, I was in awe with the amount of books there, I knew I was going to fit in very well here.’

I’m very much looking forward to what our Manmeri master of destruction and alteration will do next. House? Recommendations? Something else entirely?

[King Coin]

Finally got around here.

The Arrival
Valen Dreth? Thank the Nine he was killed, he probably was going to pawn the amulet off.

Imperial City, Arcane University
On a boat? I hope he entered through the waterfront at least. Don’t want to get on the wrong side of the legion. You know what happens when they aren’t happy with you…

Disappointment at the University
No surprise there, they don’t let anyone in without making you run a few errands first do they? Typical mages.

Welcome again to Chorrol!

[Riften]

Finally got around here.

The Arrival
Valen Dreth? Thank the Nine he was killed, he probably was going to pawn the amulet off.

Imperial City, Arcane University
On a boat? I hope he entered through the waterfront at least. Don’t want to get on the wrong side of the legion. You know what happens when they aren’t happy with you…

Disappointment at the University
No surprise there, they don’t let anyone in without making you run a few errands first do they? Typical mages.

Welcome again to Chorrol!

He didn't travel by boat, that was why he had that little akward uhh.....
In chapter 1 you can see Riften can change province any time, Talos chooses which race he is though
I Will implement something cool with Frostcrag Spire to do with his travelling of provinces later though.
Thanks for the welcome as well!

This post has been edited by Riften: Oct 18 2011, 04:50 PM

[Riften]

Chapter 4 - Bandits and the Steed


I have more important things to be doing than running around to every city doing petty quests for a useless recommendation, I need a home!.
I heard a rumour of a strange tower that appeared in the mountains up north. I need to set out at once, I really do hope its Frostcrag, I'd rather not have such a mighty wizard tower wedged up in the mountains being unused.
I grabbed my bow and arrows and set off.

I was crossing the beautiful city bridge admiring the excellent scenery when I noticed a Khajiit riding a majestic white steed. He began to gallop faster and faster and the fool almost clashed into me. It took me quite a while to realise I was being mugged.

"Hand over your septims and we won't have any trouble!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that, I barely have enough to buy me some Tamika."

"Surely you don't think I'm just going to hand it over do you?"

"Fine then, pay with your blood Breton scum!"

He raised his sword high and plunged at me, I slid to the side and pried the weapon out of his hands, now that he had no weapon, he darted past me. I pulled my bow from my back, pulled out an arrow. The arrow flew for a good 20 seconds. The Khajiit fell to the ground head first, not was he a fool for trying to rob armed men, he could have gotten away if he had jumped on his steed.

With my Bosmeri instinct I noticed that the steed was badly wounded. The horse came over to me rubbing its head against my shoulder. I couldn't just leave it there so I hauled him back to Chestnut Handy stables, I knew the nice people there would take care of him. I decided to stay there for the night as it was becoming nightfall anyway.

I awoke to find the neigh of the horse outside. The horse was covered in glorious elven armour, It truly made the steed look mightier than before, I was almost scared of him!

Snak gra-Bura told me she recently started up a business for horse armour, seeing as I was her first customer she let me have one for free. Though I decided to pay her with all that septims I had, she deserved it after all she done an magnificent job.

I grew an instant bond with the steed and thus named him "Reaver"

But enough of that! I had almost forgotten about the tower near Bruma!

This post has been edited by Riften: Oct 19 2011, 04:42 PM

[Acadian]

Dead bandits don’t need horses I figure. Riften now has his own horse with armor, no less. Reaver is a great name and just the right color for living in the snow.

So it seems he is now off to that tower near Bruma. He just might not need those guild recommendations after all.

[Riften]

Chapter 5 - City of the Nords

The ring of Reavers armour crept into my ear he rode as fast as he could, I knew he wanted to get to his stable as I wanted to get to an Inn! The cold was unbearable, I wrapped my cloak tightly around my body. My hand began to glow red then it spurted out fiery red flames and I felt a sensation flow through my body. I noticed that I was coming upon Bruma and started jumping up and down with excitement without thinking that I was on a horse and I had flames bursting out my hand. So what happened?

I flew off of Reaver and face planted right onto the freezing snow. I got up sighing wishing I had a Tamika. I was nearly at Bruma, Reaver ran to Bruma, What do I do? Magic! I pulled out Dreth's spellbook and flickered through the pages looking for fortify spells.

"Ahh, here it is!"

I casted the spell and white fog crept up my body, I felt a sudden urge to run!
I bolted past Reaver which looked so confused as I ran past him Hehe!
I kept looking back and Reaver galloping in his breathtaking golden armour.
I turned around giggling at Reaver's confusion not even noticing I was running into a door!
I sprinted right into it, falling onto the ground I noticed two smug staring down at me.

They dragged me up from the snowy ground and pushed me away from the entrance and raised their swords high.

"Out of here Bosmer scum! the count has ordered us to get rid of all the Elves in the city!"

"Ahaha, Elven.....? I'm afraid I'm only half elven, friend"

I pulled back my wavy hair showing my non-pointed ears

"Fine, Your clear"

Damn stereotypes! confusing a Breton for a Bosmer!
I noticed Reaver has already settled in to his stable, he looked okay, guess I should just venture forward.
I entered the Nordic city as I felt a sense of relief flow through me. It wasn't as lively as The Imperial City but It did seem like a nice little city, the noise of the people chatting, the ring of the blacksmiths forge. Too bad they are all racist to my people.....Oh well I'm in Cyrodill now, I'd better get use to it.

At least there are some good things about this city!
No worries about having to watch out for bandits attacks, wolfs....anything! Where could I find out about Rumours?
Taverns of course, and not to mention I can get some Tamikaaa!

A loud clinking noise crept into my ear, almost like the sound of armour...?

"You! what is a skinny little elf doing here?!"

"This again.....Really?"

Once again I pulled back my year..... yada, yada, yada...It doesn't really matter, I have a strong feeling I'll have to do that a lot during my time in Cyrodill.

"Fine, your clear"

"Actually, could you point me in the direction of the nearest tavern?"

"Yes, Olav has a tavern, its right over there"

This post has been edited by Riften: Oct 21 2011, 07:10 PM