Vengeance, I'm trying my hand at this thing Options

[Soulseeker3.0]

Wow... this part was difficult to rewrite the first time... My mind kept wandering. But it's a good thing because I was wandering into later in the story thinking out some kinks before the came up anyhow, I know this one is shorter then the others (the mind wandering thing didn't help) but I still hope it's a good update. If anyone cares to offer advice I'd certainly welcome it.

Cheers

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Ty came out of a rundown farm shack on the outskirts of Alacope, only to stagger when hit with the sun. When Ty’s eyes adjusted to the light he looked over to Dalave who was standing impatiently near the shack door.

“You ready yet?” She asked with a hint of frustration in her voice.

Ty glared at her, “Was all that necessary?”

“Necessary? I’m a bloody criminal. Of course it’s necessary, that is, unless I want to end up in some dank and dirty cell in Havenwood. And that’s if I’m lucky and caught by the better guards.” Dalave shuddered, thinking about the things that would happen if she were to get caught. She quickly looked up at the sky. “Whatever, Let’s get moving before the rain starts. I know of a good tavern around here, I think it’s over the next hill.”

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A few candlemarks later the two were soaked to the bone and the rain gave no signs of letting up. Every so often Dalave looked over her shoulder to see if Ty’s ragged shape was still trudging along.

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A while later, Ty looked up at the sky and could see nothing but clouds. After feeling a rain drop hit his eye, he was certain that there was more mud showing then there was skin. Ty came up to Dalave and attempted a casual tone, accidentally leaking an exhausted and frustrated undertone clinging to his words, “So, where’s this tavern you were talking about earlier?”

Dalave didn’t catch his undertones over the rain and continued walking through it, looking at the surrounding fields for a landmark, “Uh, Pretty sure that it’s over this hill right here.”

Ty stopped, “Just over here?? You said that in the first place, and look at us now, drenched, lost, and up to our chins in mud.” With this statement Ty looked over Dalave and muttered under his breath, “Well, at least I am.”

“Found it.” Dalave stood at the top of the hill and pointed.

Ty stopped grumbling and went to the top of the hill to meet Dalave. “Never doubted you, nope… Not. At. all.”

She rolled her eyes, “Right. Anyways, It’s called the Poisoned Tip, come on.”

Ty grimaced at the name. “Joy.”

Ty and Dalave worked their way down the hill and over to the tavern. Pushing open the door they were greeted by a warm, musty air, a dense smoke that rolled along the ceiling, and calls from the patrons inside.

“A few times?” Ty rose an eyebrow as they walked inside.

Dalave smirked, “What can I say, I’m a popular rogue.”

Ty wondered if being a popular rogue was a good thing but decided to let it slide for now, he was exhausted.

Edit: typo

This post has been edited by Soulseeker3.0: Jul 19 2007, 07:47 AM

[treydog]

Excellent. An update. I like your characterization- esp. their self-awareness- "I'm a bloody criminal...". Advice....? Without diverting your thread into one of my marathon rambles about the "art of the story," let me leave it at this cryptic recommendation-

"Remember that showing is better than telling." That is, describe the scene and have the characters' words/actions indicate how they feel, what they are thinking, etc. A place where you do a good job of that is with Ty's reaction to the name of the tavern.

[The Metal Mallet]

Nice update. Full of lots of goodie characterizations.

[minque]

Yeah Soulie..you´re doing a great job with this story....I do read even if I do not always comment. In fact if I should comment on stories here as much as I wanted to , it would mean a full time job for me...and that´s pretty impossible at the moment...

[jack cloudy]

Short but nice.

Now I wonder why Dalave is so 'popular'. Maybe she sells her loot here from time to time, give out a few drinks?

[Soulseeker3.0]

No, I haven't died yet. Sorry guys

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Ty had the feeling that he was being watched as a cat watched a fish as he followed Dalave through the tavern. As Dalave passed in between two tables a large shadow fell over Dalave and Ty slowly looked up to see a behemoth of a man blocking the way. Ty gulped as he looked the man over. He wore a cloak made from the skin of a brown bear. His face was hidden, mostly because of the hood, but partly because of the bushy copper-colored beard. Also, not to make matters any better, there was a Claymore in the scabbard on the man’s back.

After standing there for a few seconds, the man finally called to Dalave in a rough grumble, “What are you doing ‘round this here tavern, Dalave?”

In the blink of an eye there was a smirking Dalave behind the man with one of her daggers hidden under the man’s beard and another behind his back near his lower abdominal region.

“What’s it to you? Pretty sure Gordy calls the shots here. Not you, Marv.”

A hush fell over the tavern and most of the eyes, Ty’s included, were on the two standing there. Thoughts of what might happen rushed through his head, most of the resulting in a bloodied Dalave lying on the floor in front of him. Ty almost jumped at the next thing he saw and heard. The man started laughing and Dalave returned her blades to their respective sheaths.

“Ah ha, Yeah, you still’ve got it Dalave, and you’re getting faster as well.”

Dalave laughed, “You almost had me convinced, I hardly recognized you in your new cloak.”

Marv looked over his cloak and one could tell by the look on his face that he was very proud of it. “Yeah, well, you never did answer me, what brings you out here? Pissed at Blaine again?”

“Well,” Dalave hesitated and quickly glanced over at Ty who was still standing between the tables , “yeah, this time I ditched Blaine.”

Marv must not have seen the glance or paid attention to the hesitation, for he continued on like nothing happened, “Ah ha ha ha, very well just the same, I never did like that Blaine guy anyways. He sounded like such a jerk when you talked about him.”

Marv got behind Ty and Dalave and pushed them up to the counter and pressed some silver on the counter.

“Gordy, let me pay for Dalave and her friend’s first round.”

Gordy filled two mugs to the brim and pushed them over to Ty an Dalave.

“Enjoy,” he muttered under his breath.
Ty looked over the mugs and a fleeting memory of Alacope came back. “Er, I’ll pass this time. Besides, I, er,” Ty looked over his clothes, “should clean my cloak. Do you have a room with a bath in it?”

Gordy looked Ty over and nodded while cleaning out a mug, “sure kid, up the stairs an’ it’s the third door on your right.” Gordy refilled another mug and turned back to Ty, “if you should need anything, just holler.”

Ty thanked the Barkeep and made his way up the rickety stairs and to the room. Walking down the hall Ty heard snoring from a few rooms in the hall. Stepping into the room Ty noticed an empty door frame to the right with a chair and wash tub in it. Walking over to the Tub he laid his clock on the back of the chair and went to fill the tub.

As Ty watched the Tub will with the water from the pump, he shook his head at the quality of the tub. Splinters, water-rot, and if it weren’t for the iron bars around the tub, Ty was sure that it would have fallen apart as sure as he was standing there.

“Now I know why Malachi put up the extra gold pieces to get a nice, cold copper one. These wooden ones wear out bad.”

Ty proceeded to washed the mud out of his clock to the best of his abilities, and let it hang on a well-placed hook on the wall near the door. Then he continued onto his boots, which fortunately weren’t spared from the mud and rain. Ty took a seat on the wooden chair, its condition was as bad as the tub, and he flinched when he heard it groan under his weight. With-in a few candle marks his boos were shined and Ty meandered into the main part of the room.

It wasn’t quite as big as the room Ty had while he was living with Malachi, but it was bigger than the one that he was shoved into at Blaine’s. It was surprisingly unfurnished though, a bed pushed up against the wall opposing the door and a dresser on the wall next to it. Ty flung himself onto the bed and was slightly surprised that it was that comfortable. Just as Ty was about to get up he saw the door fly open with Dalave staggering in.

With one hand resting on the doorknob, she pointed an accusing finger at Ty, “You, Ty, mished one ‘ell uva party.” Dalave stumbled further into the room and Ty walked over to her, rolling his eyes and thinking it was amazing that she got to the room all by herself.

“I see.”

“Oh, but it yesh it was! Don’t-” Dalave’s eyes bulged as though she was about to puke, “Don’t give me that tone” she finished without an incident. Dalave attempted to walk over to the bed but tripped on her own leg in the process. Ty quickly reached out to support her and took her to the bed.

“I, erm, You can have the bed tonight.” Ty said awkwardly as he helped her sit on the edge. “I’ll sleep over here.”

Ty started to walk over to a corner to rest himself when he felt Dalave’s hand on his shoulder. He turned to see her standing on her weak knees with a peculiar look in her eyes, “You- the bed is big enough.”

Ty glanced to see that she was right but didn’t want any more dreams of his past and he shook his head, “No thanks, I’m quite fine enough.”

Ty brushed off Dalave’s hand and eased himself into the corner and rested his eyes. He only opened them when a few seconds later he felt something warm next to him and found it to be Dalave. He shook his head but smiled to himself and went to sleep for the night.

Edit: Forgot to take something out

This post has been edited by Soulseeker3.0: Sep 6 2007, 09:35 PM

[The Metal Mallet]

I'm beginning to sense something here, but I'll keep it to myself for now.

Welcome back!

[jack cloudy]

Women, I'll never understand them. You were offered the bed, take it!

Ahem, and once again we see the bad effects of an alcohol overdose. I'm surprised she didn't fall down the stairs.......several times, with all the expected noise.