My story Options

[Ducis]

I started writing a story, this is the beginning:
[quote]The road was dark, he could hardly see a thing. But suddenly the moon showed up from behind the clouds. He saw a small reflection behind him, he turned around and drew his sword just in time to block the attack of his enemy. But he lost his balance and fell backwards in the mud. He turned to the left and the sword of his enemy just missed him. He jumped up and tried to grab his sword, but he couldn't find it. So he turned around and ran away. Just when he thought he could make it, he felt a sting in his back and he fell to the ground. He was shot. With his last strength he stood up. But before he could run again, he felt another sting in his back and he fell again. He saw the feet of his enemy close to his face, he looked up. 'This is a warning' said his enemy, but how could this be a warning? He would die within a minute, so how in the name of the gods can this be a warning?
For a moment everything was turned into light, and he felt that the pain was going away. He looked up to his enemy again. 'I won't be this good to you the next time' his enemy said 'If you dare to do it again, you will suffer that much, that the dead is a delight.' Then there was a flash, and he saw nothing but white. Slowly his sight became normal again. He was laying in the mud, alone. Even his enemy was gone. He felt afraid, but couldn't find the strength to get up and he fell asleep.

Awakened by the rays of the sun, he tried to sit up and look at surroundings, but even the faint morning light hurt his eyes. His head felt like bursting into flames, forcing him to keep laying down for another few minutes. Finally he could get his self up and he looked around for his sword while he tried to remember what happened last night. He ruined everything while he had worked so hard for it the last years. He had trained for weeks in a row, he spend all his passion for this night. And he then, when the moment came, he screwed it up. He stumbled over a rock en fell on the road. He started to cry, he couldn't control his self anymore and while he was laying there he heard a horse coming. He looked up and saw two man on black horses galloping in his direction. The left one had to be knight in the Imperial Legion, his golden templar armor sparkled in the sunlight. He tried to stand up to get their attention. But he felt like all his strength was drained out him and when he was half up, he sank back to the ground. But they already saw him and dismounted to help him. They knelled to help him. “What happened to you pal?” The knight asked “They really got you last night.”
“It's a long story, please help me first. I feel like I'm dieing.” He answered moaning.
“Ok, get him on the horse Carnicus. We'll take him to the ford and patch him up there” He said too his companion and while Carnicus helped him on one of the horses he continued “We'll take you to our ford, it's just a half hour away from here. By the way, I'm Hradd Red-beard, Knight Protector in the Imperial Legion. What's your name my friend?”[/quote]
Please tell me what you think of it.

EDIT: some more info: the 'enemy' will turn out to be 'the hunter'

[jonajosa]

Good work foer the library. I enjoyed it and i know just who to send this to when its sent to the Archives...

[Ducis]

Thanks, I just wrote a bit further (story continues where it ends in my previous post):
[quote]“My name is Lucas Carnicus” He answered, “Although that's not the name I'm birth with.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, my mother died when I was born and my dad was killed by an assassin when I was four. Nobody of the village wanted to adopt me, so they brought me to a city and there they dumped me on the street. I was found by Emelia and Moris Carnicus, they took me too their house and they treated me like I was their own sun. They where the ones that named me Lucas. Their house lied in the center of the town, it was a pretty big house. Moris served the Imperial Knights, he was a Marshal. He trained me to fight with the sword and he commanded on of his best archers to teach my marksman skills. He also learned me to fight with the head and not with the hart.” He answered and he continued, “Emelia was different, she hated fighting and that's why she taught me a lot of other things like math, history, alchemy and even a bit of magic. When she was younger she served the Mage-Guild and that's where she learned it. She always said to me that I shouldn't become a fighter but learn to live in another way. I never liked it when she said that, because I enjoyed to fight and I fought a lot of games in the Arena.”
“And where are they now?”
“Moris is dead. Murdered by some assassins, it where the same as the ones that killed my real parents” He answered distressed and while he didn't wanted, he started to cry. “They want me!” He cried out, “I don't know why, but they want me dead! I was there when they slaughtered my parents! They came with ten man, on horses and with long blades. They came on horses and killed those defenseless people! They didn't saw me, because I my mum was just in time put me in a safe place.” With his tear stained eyes he look to Hradd “I can still hear my mum screeming when they raped her, before they killed her” He said crying.
“I feel sorry for you Lucas.” Hradd said “But I don't get why you think they want you dead.”[/quote]

[vaanic~one]

It is good so far

[Ducis]

[quote=vaanic~one]It is good so far [/quote]thanks

[jonajosa]

Yup keep working on the good stuff i might recruit you for full time writing.