Horses, mud, missery and her to make it bearable Options

[NEO256]

I have written 14 pages on this point and I think it is time to pusblish something.... enjoy:

My life is one big missary. As a slave you don't have anything of your own. Or you may count the rags you are forced to wear. The only thing that keeps me from riding to a nearby cliff and drop myself over the edge is her. She is beautiful, like an angel. Her long blond hair that sweeps in the wind, the way she walks and hangs the clothing on the line to dry, her singing voice on a sunny day. And when she looks my way and puts up a smile I feel like I could conquer the whole world.

My name is R'laph I am a Khajiit and as you probably have already guest, I am a slave. I work for master Oslon as a stable boy. Taming the horses, keeping them healthy, switching hoofs the stuff a stable boy needs to do. I don't ride them, I am to afraid for that. I had a friend Resho, a argonian... He was one of the best riders in all of Tamriel, although Oslon would never admit it. Riding like the wind every day to keep the horses in top shape. But he got tired of working as a slave... as someones property.
He dreamed of the wide world and his home province Black March, where he was born. Just like me he was kidnapped and smugled to Vardenfall as we were children. I hardly remember how life was in Elsweyr but I understood why he wanted to go back. Vardenfall is the only place in Tamriel where slaves are permitted. If you could fled to any other province you would be free. He told me how he would just like to take a horse and take off. One day a duke with a black horse came to pay a visit to Oslon. Reshos eyes went big when he saw that tremendously powerfull horse. I knew what he was thinking I said: don't do it! Atleast wait till nightfall...
But he already jumped on the horse and ride off. Master Oslon placed a big reward on his head ALIVE. It did not take long or one of the best bounty hunters brought him in more or less alive. I was whipped 20 times for my part in the escape for not telling Oslon.
Never felt that much pain... my back hurted for weeks, but that was nothing for what he did then. He beated and whipped Resho to death, before my eyes, to make a statement he said. He's a monster. I shivered at everything I had to do for months and kept thinking of Resho. I still think about him some days, and his dream... Free. But I am to afraid to even think on how to do it, to afraid to end like him.

It's just another spring morning when I go outside, raise my arms and arc my back to straight my splain. My bed is made out of hay with a peace of cloth over it. It's getting hard again, I found out that putting the hay on to the bed a certain way will make it softer. It involves waving it with different layers but I don't feel like doing that again soon. It takes a lot of time and it's boring, besides that I'm not very good at it so it will have me frustrated for days. I breath in the morning scent of a new day and take my walk to the stables, I feed al the horses who are eager to get out and run free. I can see it in their eyes and I certainly know how it feels to be a prisoner. Today I feel not so bad, I a saw her again yesterday in a blue long dress sweeping the front lane of Oslons enormous manor. She sung a song about the spring that still echoes in my head. I wish I could at least meet her one day. I want to know if she is as lonely as I am and maybe we could have a talk and... O who am I fooling, I know that would never happen. I will work my whole life here... alone. When all the feeding boxes where filled I got to the wooden seat that stands in the middle of the courtyard. A basket with bread and some berry's for my breakfast today. I take a seat and pulled a peaces of the bread and started eating. There is no wind today, total silent it's even to early for the birds. The courtyard that is covered with grass is surrounded by wooden fences, except the road from the entrance to the woods is open. While eating some berries to make the dry bread taste better I look at my left and see the square box made out of a taller fence that I use to tame and trim the horses. I don't ride them myself but the horses listen to me. Maybe it's because of my voice or the way I say it I don't know but as soon as I open my mouth they obey. Of course horses that are wild need some harder measures where I got my whip for. I don't need to hit them, just making the whip hitting a peace of the fence or snap it in the air is enough to back of a horse. It's all about letting them know who is the boss and that they will have the best time if they listen to there rider. I chew on the last peace of bread and return the basket to the front door. Set the baskit at the right side and return to the stables. That is the closest I will ever make it to the manor. If I am caught doing anything else than returning the basket they will punish me. I have never been punished for it but Resho did by stealing some meat once. They whipped him a couple of times and since then we are ordered to turn away from the house as soon as we had or must I say, I returned the basket. I still talk to Resho, in my memories I conversated almost every day with him. I knew it was not real but... It made me feel less lonely. Today the daughter of Oslon Laura wants to ride Kain. One of our fastest horses Oslon owns. She ordered me yesterday to make him ready for a ride as soon as they were done with breakfast. I had plenty of time left because they probably need another hour to finish it. I got my meal as soon as the maid starts making breakfast. They have two maids and both Khajiit, I don't know there names but I sure know which is prettiest. One seem to clean the house, I only saw her once when the rounded all of us up to bury the remains of Resho. She was pretty fat for a Khajiit, she probably has a disease or something. But the other girl... you just have to see her. When she looks in my direction with her blue eyes I feel like melting, I will probably see her later today when she is done doing the wash. She always do the wash on Wednesday. She will come outside to hang the clothes over the line between the manor and a tree right from the manor.

[minque]

Ok....a most promising story here! God plot and content! :goodjob:

A few minor comments though:

- use a spellchecker, it´s more professional that way
- remember paragraphing, huge masses of text turn the readers off and makes it harder to read

Start with that and you´ll have an improvement!


:goodjob:


[size=18][b]EDIT: PLease stick to comments on the story only in this thread, random discussion goes in the discussion-thread for this story

Here:http://forums.waiting4oblivion.com/viewtop...p?p=11362#11362

[jonajosa]

[quote=NEO256]I have written 14 pages on this point and I think it is time to pusblish something.... enjoy:
[/quote]

Those 14 pages will turn into alot more if you put spaces between paragraphs and turning all your humongo blobs of words into diffrent paragraphs

[NEO256]

I would like some feedback on the internals of this story. Is it a good concept, did I do something wrong to acording to the lore maybe. You just not like the dramatic look anything you want just trow it at me. If I do not know if you like this story I don't know how to continue... Thank you for your understanding.

[minque]

[quote=NEO256]I would like some feedback on the internals of this story. Is it a good concept, did I do something wrong to acording to the lore maybe. You just not like the dramatic look anything you want just trow it at me. If I do not know if you like this story I don't know how to continue... Thank you for your understanding.[/quote]

I made some comments a few posts up!....I´ll comment in the future as well, I usually do....and I also like some comments on my story as well......

[jonajosa]

And mine!!! Someone besides Minque, Dantrag and souldseeker post in my story! Or else ill be... sad.

[NEO256]

I need some advice, I have landed at the part these young lovers are going to have there first time. Do just discribe it only partly (with the eye on censure) or just discribe every single detail...?

[minque]

[quote=NEO256]I need some advice, I have landed at the part these young lovers are going to have there first time. Do just discribe it only partly (with the eye on censure) or just discribe every single detail...?[/quote]

Well if you read my story, at least the 3rd chapter , it´s called Serene in cyrodiil you´ll see how I did it.....not too graphic but anyway i think i made clear what they were doing.....so you read it and as I´ve said before...a comment is welcome

[Soulseeker3.0]

[quote=jonajosa]souldseeker[/quote]

souldseeker??? *tapps foot*

NEO256: good job but like everyone else said us spell check. Also at the part were the Duke came, that would be a good new paragraph and mabey in a couple other places. remeber when R'laph told him not to do it? use a set of (')s mabey or even a set of (")'s would work. but that is my opinion, and I would like to see were this is going.



But remember, nobody is perfect, even we all have made mistakes. (in many diffrent ways) keep up the good work and don't be discouraged.

[NEO256]

discouraged? I would rather be discouraged when I did not get any replys, spellcheck is indeed an issue, about the paragraphs and other thinks that makes it hard to read I have to tell how I work.

I first writed the plot, then the first peas you see here, then I almost went to the end to write a peas there. Then I scripted alot (just plot outline no real story) and now I'm randomly scripting and writing the actual story. This is why there are on this moment huge hunks of text that need alot of editing, I will read through this section as soon as I feel like doing that (depends on my mood on wich part I like to work on that particelure moment.) What would in the worst case be in after the completion of the story.

Stay tuned I will post the first chapter again checked over and the next peas of this story as soon as possible.

PS about the question triple X content should be in the books provided in this mod. Maybe we should make a poll and ask the writers what is best, or did the devs of this mod already disidded what they want with this?

[jonajosa]

A poll is not a good idea. You could always just ask someone about it.

Please send this XXX idea to me so i can see if it should be included in the Library. As for it going here... Contact an Admin like Minque said. Got it?

[Aki]

[quote=NEO256]I would like some feedback on the internals of this story. Is it a good concept, did I do something wrong to acording to the lore maybe. You just not like the dramatic look anything you want just trow it at me. If I do not know if you like this story I don't know how to continue... Thank you for your understanding.[/quote]

Only only saw two lore-errors:
1. Horses can't exist on vvardenfell (Flora is deadly to them, this can be remided by saying the Duke-y dude or whateve rhas food imported specifically for the horses and all Vvardenfell flora is kept well away from the horsies)
2. You said slaverly is only legal in Vvardenfell, while this is partly true, Vvardenfell is merely a island within the province of Morrowind, so "Slavery is only legal in morrowind" would be more correct.

And i'd advise you to run the story through MS Word if you can before posting, helps clean up errors.

[jonajosa]

We should let the horses thing slip through the perfect lore net. You'd be supprised how much taking away horses can really detract away from a story.

But yes run this through Word to clean up those spelling and grammar probs.

Keep it up. :goodjob:

[NEO256]

No horses? That would be very very bad, there is no way they could cover that much land on foot. They live on a ranch left from Vardenfall a fair distant from the border with Cyrodiil. Do they have horses on this peas of land? Other wise I need another animal you can ride and keep.

[Sinder Velvin]

[quote=jonajosa]
Please send this xylophone idea to me so i can see if it should be included in the Library. As for it going here... Contact an Admin like Minque said. Got it?[/quote]

NEO256, if you decide to describe every single detail, the story doesn't belong here. Sorry.

[jonajosa]

Like I said NEO. Just skip that scene and put somthing like, "That was the best night ever."

It works and your not going into way too much deatil with it like SV said.

[Aki]

[quote=NEO256]No horses? That would be very very bad, there is no way they could cover that much land on foot. They live on a ranch left from Vardenfall a fair distant from the border with Cyrodiil. Do they have horses on this peas of land? Other wise I need another animal you can ride and keep.[/quote]

This is a world where magery is common, besides, they have Guars and Silt Striders.

And House Dres has giant flying wasps.... :/

[MerGirl]

Well, like Aki said, instead of horses, use silt striders and Guars... Maybe a boat, depending where you are going? Or the Mages Guild if you're close to one...?

[Soulseeker3.0]

or you can have a tame rat If you want to goof off

[NEO256]

Darn your kidding. No horses.... this messes up the whole story...

Update: the story is on this moment 17 pages long. It only needs 4 things for completion.

1. I need the horses for this story so could any one think up a way to solve this. (riding rats is not a option because his range is to short, silt strider is not a option because they are wanted slaves: they have no money and the they need to keep of settlements, guar could be an option but I still prefer a horse....)

2. A name, this name was only a brain cloth. I don't like it much so if any one got a beter one: Feel free to post it.

3. Adding the last content (mostly on the end)

4. Fine tuning. (spel check, grammer check, story check, lore check and posting it here for last walk over before posting to dev.)