MerGirl's draft Options

[MerGirl]

Yes, I will post my rough draft very soon. Probably sometime this week or by next Wednesday, when homework is not so demanding. Thank you for lore suggestions and such. I will try to post at least part of Chp. 1 later today, but do not expect great writing. I am awful at grammar, so my drafts may need lots of work, but I love to write.

I'll edit this post when the Chp. 1 draft is almost finished, 'kay?
___
EDIT: Little bit of Chp. 1. May need some serious editing. Oh, I would just like an opinion on whether or not this beginning is good to begin the plot of the story and any suggestions would be appreciated. I'll post little by little whenever I can.

Chp. 1
The Bosmer mother rocked her baby roughly whenever it gurgled, becoming more light-headed and giddy. The baby started to cry, for he was hungry, and it was nearly feeding time. However, the Bosmer mother was becoming too drunk to notice, hiccuping and constantly swaying in her seat, blue eyes glazed and her hair unkempt.

She slouched a little in her seat, trying to take in her surroundings. Trying was a lot harder to do with blurry, hazy vision. It was nighttime, and the tavern was crowded and loud. There were all sorts of noises and conversations, low, shushed gossip, shouting, cheering, and drunken talk. People were moving and dancing, or slumped in their seats, sleeping off their hangovers. The nude dancing girls were one of the top main entertainment showings, receiving much comments and approval. (Marigold shouted out her approval as well.) People were drinking, eating, sleeping, or playing darts, while others went upstairs to the bedrooms for other kinds of “entertainment”.

Apparently, the young man sharing the table with the Bosmer girl was interested as well. He moved his chair close to her, and whispered a few lucid suggestions into her ear. Some of these suggestions included a bedroom and leaving the baby behind.

The Bosmer girl did not reply, but giggled instead. She leaned her head back and was about to chug down a bottle of brandy when a male hand roughly snatched it out of her hands. Annoyed, the Bosmer turned her head towards the bottle-snatcher, scowling darkly. Her eyes could not figure clearly, but she could tell that he was a tall Dunmer. “Gif me back my bwandy,” she slurred.

The Dunmer shook his head, his face full of disappointment. “Marigold, here you are, topless and drunk, and offering 'entertainment' ", the Dunmer glared at the young man, who creeped away, “when you are already married—“

“Was married, Dalos!” The Bosmer girl retorted, now more awake and more alert. “He’s dead, dead, dead, dead, dead!” Her voice rose to a shout on the last word, her fist slammed onto the table. “Stupid, stupid, stupid Khajiit! I hate ‘em all!” The baby sobbed a bit, which spurred Dalos to put away the brandy and to take the baby from the drunk Bosmer.

“Marigold!” The Dunmer chided. He leaned towards her whispering, “There’s Khajiit here, and might I also remind you, this tavern is also run by a Khajiit…”

The Bosmer started giggling again. “Especially that rich one I stole from.” Being a loyal member from the Thieves Guild, Marigold enjoyed stealing from others, no matter how rich or poor they are. “That swit deserved it for stealing something of mine.” She chuckled again, despite her Dunmer friend’s concerned expression. She said in a low voice. “I stole some very valuable artifacts from her husband’s chest, and then replaced the artifacts with rocks… The expression on his face…priceless!”

The Dunmer held the baby closely and said sternly, “Didn’t the Thieves Guild teach you not to announce your accomplishments, especially in public places!” Dalos was a secretive type probably because of his occupation as a Morag Tong assassin. “You never know who’s listening!”

“I don’t care!”

“Well, as a friend, I do!” He grabbed her hand not so gently and pulled her up over his shoulder.

The Bosmer’s temper flared. “Put me down! Put. Me. DOWN!” Dalos ignored her, and asked the barkeeper for a room. Some men jeered or winked, obviously thinking of some other suggestive reason why a Dunmer man with a pretty and top-less Bosmer girl draped over his shoulder would request for a bed…

The next morning, Marigold stretched and sat up in bed, sore and grouchy. She glanced at Dalos, who’s peacefully sleeping at the edge of the bed next to her. She traced the line of his delicate cheek and glanced at his muscles, jealous of his strength and beauty. She smiled, grateful for a friend like him. Placing both feet against his half-naked body, she kicked him hard. He fell limply against the floor, but a moment later, he jumped to his feet, instantly awake and a bit miffed.

Marigold smiled sweetly. “Good morning!”

_______

Okay, that should be only one part of the first chapter, currently writing the second part which should be very important to the plot. Remember, I am not good with grammar, so if you notice any grammar mistakes, please tell me.

[minque]

Sounds good I think.....btw have you read the other stories here..maybe you can get some tips and hints from them?

[Fuzzy Knight]

Sounds good :goodjob: Myself not such a skilled writer like to see other's peoples work and learn! :lickinglips:

[minque]

[quote=Fuzzy Knights]Sounds good :goodjob: Myself not such a skilled writer like to see other's peoples work and learn! :lickinglips:[/quote]

Aww Fuzzy....you already have proved to be a good writer.... :goodjob:

[MerGirl]

[quote=Fuzzy Knights]Sounds good :goodjob: Myself not such a skilled writer like to see other's peoples work and learn! :lickinglips:[/quote]

Oh, Fuzzy. Stop putting yourself down! At least you go into more detail in your stories. Keep writing, you!

[Andric]

[quote=Fuzzy Knights]Sounds good :goodjob: Myself not such a skilled writer like to see other's peoples work and learn! :lickinglips:[/quote]
Dont worry about it, Im a terrible writer. The only reson my story here is good was becuase of constant editing. It doesnt even have the same story as the first rough draft (Like when Kane dropped the bug on Isabel, it was originally a rat. And Darrol, the necromancer, wasnt originally a daedric worshiper, but an organized crime leader that used Goblins to do his bidding). Little things get changed when I typed it that just didnt make logical sence on the first rough draft.

Anyways, MerGirl, Nice story. I didnt notice any grammer problems either.
[quote]The Bosmer’s temper flared. “Put me down! Put. Me. DOWN!” Dalos ignored her, and asked the barkeeper for a room. Some men jeered or winked, obviously thinking of some other suggestive reason why a Dunmer man with a pretty and top-less Bosmer girl draped over his shoulder would request for a bed… [/quote] That part made me laugh.

[Dantrag]

good start.

your first chapter completely obliterates all 8 of mine.....

:embarrassed2:

[jonajosa]

Don't you have another story? I was sure i saw one that had your name as the author... But as long as your writing, :goodjob:

[MerGirl]

Er, I don't think so... Not posted here, anyway...

I have been thinking about alot of stories, but haven't posted any. I was thinking of posting a rough draft about the story of my young Necromancer, Emma. But I'm not sure if I got the lore right. (It was an old draft.) :ashamed:

[Aki]

Heh, nice. Nothing like Drunk Bosmer.

[Miazma]

Very nice. I will be reading more of this. I didn't see many grammar mistakes and the story was well written and easy to read keep it up.

BTW, this part reminds me of my girlfriend, lol:

[quote]Placing both feet against his half-naked body, she kicked him hard. He fell limply against the floor, but a moment later, he jumped to his feet, instantly awake and a bit miffed.

Marigold smiled sweetly. “Good morning!”
[/quote]

[Dantrag]

[quote=Miazma]Very nice. I will be reading more of this. I didn't see many grammar mistakes and the story was well written and easy to read keep it up.

BTW, this part reminds me of my girlfriend, lol:

[quote]Placing both feet against his half-naked body, she kicked him hard. He fell limply against the floor, but a moment later, he jumped to his feet, instantly awake and a bit miffed.

Marigold smiled sweetly. “Good morning!”
[/quote][/quote]

lol. or women in general...

[Miazma]

[quote=Dantrag][quote=Miazma]Very nice. I will be reading more of this. I didn't see many grammar mistakes and the story was well written and easy to read keep it up.

BTW, this part reminds me of my girlfriend, lol:

[quote]Placing both feet against his half-naked body, she kicked him hard. He fell limply against the floor, but a moment later, he jumped to his feet, instantly awake and a bit miffed.

Marigold smiled sweetly. “Good morning!”
[/quote][/quote]

lol. or women in general... [/quote]lol, that's the truth. No one hold my words against me, lol.

[Dantrag]

none of you women W4O members hold that against me, either....

[Wolfie]

Lol i think it may be too late for both of you now *cue Empire theme as Minque/othe female member enters*

[minque]

Ta-da-damm, enter Minque the scary mod......who doesn´t hold anything against anybody....

btw nice story :goodjob:

[Dantrag]

If you wait much longer to continue, I may have to toture you with my stick figure comics.....you don't want that do you?

[Channler]

Alot of naked girls but hey! Nice story pretty sad and funny at the same time

[treydog]

Quite an interesting start. One suggestion- once Dalos gives us a name for the main character, you could do something with that-

"Marigold. Yes, that had been her name once. When having a name mattered. When anything mattered besides the next drink and the one after that."

As I say, a suggestion, an way of getting us "inside her head" a bit.

Please write (and post) more. As far as the grammar, I didn't see anything that caused me to have screaming fits.

[MerGirl]

No, not an update. Sorry. *is sad*
Sorry for not updating. I had a bunch of stuff going on right now. I've been tired, stressed (SATs and other tests), distracted, and a bit unmotivated to write, let alone draw lately. (That doesn't mean I gave up, though!)

Also, I want to write to about my other characters and their stories, too! (Short attention span, I guess). :embarrassed2:

Also, I have summer school and the volunteer community service stuff to do over the summer, so I won't be able to update until the after summer is over. (Sorry! :verysad: )

But, maybe, during the summer, I may write a little story or two about my Necromancer girl or about Celia, since they are much easier for me to write about.

So, update after summer! (I really hope!) :paperbag2: