The Big "Commentasaurus"-thread, For those who want to comment on multiple stories at the same time! Options

[ThatSkyrimGuy]

Well, "tonight" turned into two days later, but a Sunday morning affords the time for this. I have read the first chapters of Maxical, Buffy, and Teresa -

A New Sun Rises - A very intriguing and deep introduction to this story. A hybrid of Khajiit and human, possibly a lycanthrope based on "...too big for a cat, and fur so dark it coulda' been covered in coal soot.", and the silver dagger. I loved the last lines referring to her actual name, "You either live up to it or get angry. I did both." And the picture of Maxical is really cool too. Definitely completely different from any Khajiit I've ever seen. Great stuff!

Buffy the Bowgirl - We meet the 17 year old Bravilian Bosmer playing decoy for her friend and partner in crime. I have the feeling that the words "cute" and "adorable" will be used often when I post comments. Just as SubRosa did almost 3 years ago, I loved this line, "Maybe I needed bigger eyelashes.". Adorable! This will be a fun read.

Teresa of the Faint Smile - What an excellent beginning to Teresa's story, complete with a screenshot. I really liked the whole package. Mythic Dawn agents, the dying man trying to warn of impending assassination, and then the ultimate incrimination of Teresa. All played out in a perfectly described and flowing narrative. Very well written and enjoyable!

[mALX]

Well, "tonight" turned into two days later, but a Sunday morning affords the time for this. I have read the first chapters of Maxical, Buffy, and Teresa -

A New Sun Rises - A very intriguing and deep introduction to this story. A hybrid of Khajiit and human, possibly a lycanthrope based on "...too big for a cat, and fur so dark it coulda' been covered in coal soot.", and the silver dagger. I loved the last lines referring to her actual name, "You either live up to it or get angry. I did both." And the picture of Maxical is really cool too. Definitely completely different from any Khajiit I've ever seen. Great stuff!

Thank you so very much ThatSkyrimGuy! I have just been plunk in the middle of rewriting all the early chapters, (they originally were my first attempts at writing, so def needed redone). Yours is the first review the re-written beginning has gotten, I so appreciate your kind words on it! I'll have to get on the ball rewriting those early chapters and stay ahead of you, lol.

I will def catch up on your thread, although it may not be till late tonight before I can. Thank you so much again ThatSkyrimGuy!

[ThatSkyrimGuy]

Another chapter of the three stories I've started reading have come and gone...

A New Sun Rises - Now we're getting some insight into Maxical. Somewhat insecure, undoubtedly from orphanage life. A klutzy prankster who's clumsiness gets confused with intentional pranks by those that witness them. And last but not least, a natural sword ability that has attracted the attentions of a swordmaster.

"A test? I hate tests! Can't we just skip that part?"
Loved this line! It was as if skipping the test might be a real possibility.

For a moment, I thought Nissy and Maxical were going to pinky-swear...LOL

And now the home visit with Alix...can't wait to read it. Great write!

Teresa of the Faint Smile - The stringy Bosmer wakes up in the Imperial Prison. It's been so long since I played TES IV:Oblivion that it was like being reintroduced to an old friend. Your descriptive style of writing shines through. Lines like 'Pain flared bright and hot through the steady beating between her temples...' and 'The voice dripped with sarcasm, like venom from a serpent's mouth.' are brilliant. I could form a perfect picture of Teresa's surroundings, even if I hadn't ever played the game. The flow was seamless. I'm looking forward to reliving the journey out of the city. Awesome write!

Buffy the Bowgirl - Another Bosmer woman wakes to find herself in prison. It is going to be great fun to compare the two different stories of escape. I loved the touch about her wrist irons being enchanted to prevent Magicka use. I had said in my last post that "cute" and "adorable" might be watch words.

There I was, dressed in rags, dirty and I knew my hair was a mess. I was also sure I didn't smell too good.

and the equally cute...

Why would he dream about dirty-faced elves?

And we have also met Acadian...sort of...at least we know he's with her. Now Buffy has a bow and has caught up with the Emperor's party. Because I've played the game, I know what comes next, but I can't wait to find out. Excellent stuff!

[mALX]

Another chapter of the three stories I've started reading have come and gone...

A New Sun Rises - Now we're getting some insight into Maxical. Somewhat insecure, undoubtedly from orphanage life. A klutzy prankster who's clumsiness gets confused with intentional pranks by those that witness them. And last but not least, a natural sword ability that has attracted the attentions of a swordmaster.

"A test? I hate tests! Can't we just skip that part?"
Loved this line! It was as if skipping the test might be a real possibility.

For a moment, I thought Nissy and Maxical were going to pinky-swear...LOL

And now the home visit with Alix...can't wait to read it. Great write!

Thank you so very much for reading! That natural ability with swords wasn't her own, that was Amiela's talent with swords shining through, unbeknownst to everyone including Maxical. Thank you so much again, ThatSkyrimGuy!

[SubRosa]

Teresa of the Faint Smile - The stringy Bosmer wakes up in the Imperial Prison. It's been so long since I played TES IV:Oblivion that it was like being reintroduced to an old friend. Your descriptive style of writing shines through. Lines like 'Pain flared bright and hot through the steady beating between her temples...' and 'The voice dripped with sarcasm, like venom from a serpent's mouth.' are brilliant. I could form a perfect picture of Teresa's surroundings, even if I hadn't ever played the game. The flow was seamless. I'm looking forward to reliving the journey out of the city. Awesome write!

Thank you for the comments! I always appreciate anything anyone has to say, as it helps me become a better writer. I remember way back when I was taking a Creative Writing class that description was one thing the instructor stressed. He wanted us to make the world come alive to the reader. Now too much description can be a bad thing, as it bogs down the story. But it is good to get in the habit of painting a lush picture to start with. After a while you learn what does not need attention and just gloss over those things, and keep the reader's attention on the things that do matter.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: May 19 2013, 11:14 PM

[ThatSkyrimGuy]

Three more chapters down...

A New Sun Rises Chapter 2-The Home Visit - This was a touching chapter. Good job at bringing all of the emotions to the forefront. The mishaps (intentional and not so) were hilarious! For example -

I'd discovered you could access the roof from the hill behind the Inn if you ran and then leaped. S’Jirra has hundreds of Jumbo potatoes around that she uses to make the best potato bread I've ever tasted. It was only natural for me to play with the potatoes on the roof because they would roll down it and drop off.

I am a cat lover and owner. I have a tom that will jump up on a table and just knock stuff off to watch it fall. It was all I could think about reading that passage!

I did have some personal nits, but since I am a noob with zero training in writing, I'll keep those to myself. All in all, it was a great write that left me glad for Maxical's successful home visit. Good Job!

Buffy the Bowgirl Chapter 2.2-The Great Escape (cont.) - The beginning of this one made me realize how much I miss goblins in Skyrim. Fun to shoot! I really like your rendition of the opening tutorial in this chapter and the last one. Buffy's strategy at handling her goblin foes was spot on and well explained. And then there is the bit at the end -

Choking back a sudden urge to cry, I put my hands on my hips and defiantly threw back my head. "Look", I said angrily, "if we're going to travel together, we need to reach some understandings. You obviously know many valuable things about my world, and I believe you can help me; but just as obviously, you know nothing about women. We are going to have to work together here. I'm filthy, bone tired and I stink. I'm not going one step further without a bath in this nice lake."

This was priceless! I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

Teresa of the Faint Smile Chapter 2b-On the Wings of Ravens (cont.) - Another great description of the opening tutorial, or part of it. As I said in my last post, it is really fun to read two different authors write about the same scene at the same time. I like the way Teresa refers to the Mythic Dawn agents as "Red Robes", and thereby giving them a title. And I also really like this -

Teresa began to think that she was sneaking with the silence and grace of The Grey Fox as she shadowed them. That was until she came around a corner to find the Redguard standing over her with his curved sword ready to fall.

"Eeep!" Teresa squealed, and fell on her backside as she tried to jump away. The Blade just stood there with a look of disgust on his face, and lowered his weapon.

Patting herself on the back, and then BUSTED! Great stuff!

[mALX]

Three more chapters down...

A New Sun Rises Chapter 2-The Home Visit - This was a touching chapter. Good job at bringing all of the emotions to the forefront. The mishaps (intentional and not so) were hilarious! For example -

I'd discovered you could access the roof from the hill behind the Inn if you ran and then leaped. S’Jirra has hundreds of Jumbo potatoes around that she uses to make the best potato bread I've ever tasted. It was only natural for me to play with the potatoes on the roof because they would roll down it and drop off.

I am a cat lover and owner. I have a tom that will jump up on a table and just knock stuff off to watch it fall. It was all I could think about reading that passage!

I did have some personal nits, but since I am a noob with zero training in writing, I'll keep those to myself. All in all, it was a great write that left me glad for Maxical's successful home visit. Good Job!

I'm the same way, noob at writing and not wanting to mention anything to someone else - but am very open to critiques, if you want to PM me any concerns, please do! I also have a cat, and he is the same way, lol. Thank you so much for continuing reading, your comments are very appreciated!

[SubRosa]

As I said in my last post, it is really fun to read two different authors write about the same scene at the same time.

That is something I love as well. There are so many different ways to write the same characters and events, that they become new every time. Such as my version of the Battle of Bruma and Hautecole Rider's. OTOH, one of the rather fun and amusing things is how sometimes we will base our depiction of a character upon the writing of another. For example, thanks to mALX, I simply cannot imagine Fathis Aren as anything other than a skirt-chasing hound, so that is what he is in the TF.

Patting herself on the back, and then BUSTED! Great stuff!

That part about Teresa falling on her back (the part part she was patting herself upon ) was indeed fun to write.

[Acadian]

Buffy the Bowgirl Chapter 2.2-The Great Escape (cont.) ...

Thanks much for your continued reading and support! As you get further into the stories, you will discover references or even cameo appearances among these three young ladies (Maxical, Teresa and Buffy). Most notably is the Tournament of Archers, where Buffy and Teresa describe the same week in Bravil from their own unique and very differing perspectives, even running into each other a couple times.

[ThatSkyrimGuy]

Got my Sunday morning read on...

A New Sun Rises Chapter 3-The Day of Fathis Aren - Delightfully humorous chapter here. From the discussion in the barracks about Uriel and Fathis accounting for 90% of Cyrodiil's bastards to the squadron of pigeons dive-bombing everyone in sight, this chapter had me chuckling most of the way through.

Then Nissy turns up missing and-

"Avidius said they've never had anyone named Nisaba here. He looked through the files right in front of me. He said they've had no other Khajiit in the five years Maxical has been here."

-leaving us with a bit of a mystery. Great stuff!

Teresa of the Faint Smile Chapter 2c-On the Wings of Ravens (cont.) - We've reached the end of the tutorial, and again it is with some truly great writing. The way you are developing Teresa is excellent, giving us just what we need at the moment, but building a more complete picture of her. Our stringy Bosmer seems to have a touch of inner rage-

With an effort Teresa pulled the sword from his body and stabbed him again and again, thinking nothing of her wound, or of anything else in the world. She heard a woman shrieking, and it was not until Baurus pulled the sword from her hand and lifted her to her feet that she realized it was her.

-I'll try to stay on her good side.

The bits about both the Emperor's and Baurus' logic that she must be the one to deliver the amulet was a nice touch. Great job!

Buffy the Bowgirl Chapter 3-Buffy Fights Her Way Home - This chapter had lots of nifty little details. First, I like that Buffy didn't rush straight to Weynon Priory, as the game would have you do. That lent itself to the other details, needing food and money and how to get them. All were presented in a perfectly natural sequence, ultimately ending in Buffy at the Arena. This line-

Besides, I reflected guiltily, I knew more about killing men than sleeping with them.

-was both humorous and yet left me knowing that our little Bosmer Bowgirl was not to be trifled with.

So now it is off to Bravil...Great write!

Jerric's Story Chapter 1-Working Vacation - I should have started this one sooner! As Acadian originally pointed out, a male protagonist is a nice change from from the three ladies I have been following. You have done a great job of introducing Darnand and Jerric. At first I thought of comparing them to Abbott and Costello, but that doesn't do them justice. I think Felix Unger and Oscar Madison is much closer to the mark! It's hard for me to pick a standout line because the exchanges are all so good, but I did like-

"Drink up," he said. "We have to hurry and get loaded so we can sober up before dinner."

-...Nords... Great beginning!

[mALX]

Got my Sunday morning read on...

A New Sun Rises Chapter 3-The Day of Fathis Aren - Delightfully humorous chapter here. From the discussion in the barracks about Uriel and Fathis accounting for 90% of Cyrodiil's bastards to the squadron of pigeons dive-bombing everyone in sight, this chapter had me chuckling most of the way through.

Then Nissy turns up missing and-

"Avidius said they've never had anyone named Nisaba here. He looked through the files right in front of me. He said they've had no other Khajiit in the five years Maxical has been here."

-leaving us with a bit of a mystery. Great stuff!

Thank you so much ThatSkyrimGuy! I am so sorry I've gotten behind on reading, am trying to pull myself together and get back on schedule with reading your story (and the others I've gotten behind on). Just having a lot of trouble focusing on Tamriel since my Mom passed - slower coming back than I thought I would be.

[ThatSkyrimGuy]

Thank you so much ThatSkyrimGuy! I am so sorry I've gotten behind on reading, am trying to pull myself together and get back on schedule with reading your story (and the others I've gotten behind on). Just having a lot of trouble focusing on Tamriel since my Mom passed - slower coming back than I thought I would be.

No worries mALX, and definitely no need to apologize. I would be a basket case in your shoes, believe me. Take your time and come on back when you are ready.

[ThatSkyrimGuy]

Sunday morning reading completed...

A New Sun Rises Chapter 4-School Years - This was a delightful chapter. The letters home were hilarious! They gave just enough information to let the reader's imagination take them and run. They way they started..."You might be getting a letter from..." and then one has, "For your own peace of mind, it may be best if you just tear up any letters from the school that aren’t from me."...too funny!

Great stuff and looking forward to next Sunday

Teresa of the Faint Smile Chapter 3a-Masser's Light - I was a little premature in saying that we reached the end of the tutorial last week. Teresa still had to get past the goblins before the reaching the sewer gate. Your description of how she did this was excellent! The entire scene flowed with ease. And Teresa gets a bow! A Bosmer's best friend.

Can't wait to read more!

Buffy the Bowgirl Chapter 4-Homecoming - From the boat ride, to the introduction of The Shimmering Isles DLC, to your treatment of Daenlin, I really enjoyed this chapter.

Much to the amusement of the crew, I removed my clothes, wrapped them tightly in a piece of oilcloth from the ship and stuffed the bundle into my pack. -- Buffy living up to her name

I'm eager to continue following Buffy through the upcoming Guild Recommendation quests, as much as I am curious to see what she ends up doing with the Amulet of Kings. Great write!

Jerric's Story Chapter 2-On the Gold Road, Part 1 - Another fun read here. Jerric is quite the character! The whole exchange with Rutila was fantastic and had me chuckling for sure. Velwyn Benirus, a.k.a "Benirus Beast-Slayer" is also a great character. Then the food descriptions...they actually made me hungry.

Very well done and ready for more! (referring to reading as well as food)

[mALX]

Sunday morning reading completed...

A New Sun Rises Chapter 4-School Years - This was a delightful chapter. The letters home were hilarious! They gave just enough information to let the reader's imagination take them and run. They way they started..."You might be getting a letter from..." and then one has, "For your own peace of mind, it may be best if you just tear up any letters from the school that aren’t from me."...too funny!

Great stuff and looking forward to next Sunday

Thank you so very much - looks like I need to get on the ball with editing chapter 5 in a hurry, lol. Thank you ThatSkyrimGuy, I so appreciate reading these comments and remembering the early chapters. Knowing you are enjoying the read means so much!

[Grits]

Thank you, SkyrimGuy! Gosh, it’s fun to remember these early chapters. I’m glad you’re reading!

[ThatSkyrimGuy]

After missing a week due to RL commitments, I got my Sunday read on...

Buffy the Bowgirl Chapter 5-You Hear Voices Too? - What an excellent technique you used here. At first I thought you had completely bypassed any description of getting to the Kalthar kill, but then you back tracked nicely, followed by seamlessly bringing me back to the present. Kudos! I also have to agree with what SubRosa and Winter Wolf posted regarding Dagail's recognition of Acadian. Very clever indeed! Looking forward to continuing this read.

Teresa of the Faint Smile Chapter 3b-Masser's Light (cont.) - Now we are out of the sewer and finished with the tutorial. As was mentioned by others, that bath after leaving the sewers is practically manditory. I really liked the Night-Eye goggles...I'm guessing a mod here, as I don't recall them from when I played. As with what I have previously read, this chapter flowed with seamless ease. Do I sense that Teresa is becoming comfortable, and perhaps, dare I say, enjoying combat? Great write!

Jerric's Story Chapter 2-On the Gold Road, Part 2 - This was hilarious! Jerric's antics had me in stitches. From the waking with some unknown woman-ish companion (sweet revenge for Velwyn) to the little things like Jerric let go of some wind and treated himself to a leisurely scratch...too funny. And then from humor to an exciting battle scene. The whole package was excellent. Fantastic stuff!

A New Sun Rises - On hiatus per the author's request.

This post has been edited by ThatSkyrimGuy: Jun 17 2013, 03:36 PM

[SubRosa]

Like Grits said, it sure is fun to remember those early chapters SkyGuy! So glad to see you are still reading. Which reminds me, now that I have a little time I need to start doing the same...

[Grits]

Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it! It was fun to write those sections.

[ThatSkyrimGuy]

Getting my Sunday read on...coffee and Cyrodiil after last night's ale...

Buffy the Bowgirl Chapter 6-Superian - The Cheydinhal MG Recommendation. Buffy gets to expose Falcar for the murderer that he is.

I loved these two lines -
Perhaps even more than a haughty Altmer with one eyebrow so typically raised in permanent disdain.
and
Falcar picked imaginary lint from the sleeve of his black and burgundy finery as he tersely continued,
Perfect images of a snobby Altmer!

And Buffy gets her horse, going broke in the process. All in all, a very enjoyable chapter

A New Sun Rises Chapter 5-Graduation Day and Fathis - Maxical gets her diploma, after suffering through Raminus' recitation of her less than stellar performances. I love the infusion of humor.

Arch Mage Traven said because of me he had become an expert in healing injuries that involved arrow wounds.
Probably better for Nirn that Maxical has mastered a blade!

And now she is promised to Fathis in order to get Alix out of debt. I can't wait to see where that leads. Great write!

Teresa of the Faint Smile Chapter 4a-For The Emperor - Cleaned of sewer sludge and sated by cooked crab, Teresa finally gets to rest.

The dream sequence is very intriguing and I am interested in the robed figure's role.

The way you described Teresa trying to don the necklace was brilliant! And the whole chapter flowed with your usual seamless style. Great stuff!

Jerric's Story Chapter 3-Welcome to the Imperial City, Part 1 - What a great way to show typical Jerric at the start if this chapter. And his brother's complaint about Jerric getting his money's worth was a nice touch.

Let the prison escape begin. I like how you gave it your own flair with the exchange between Valen Dreth and Jerric, especially Jerric's humor.

I'm already looking forward to the next chapter...

[Darkness Eternal]

I always felt like I was too late to read these amazing stories. Like the new guy who showed up after the party was over. But hey, its not too late I suppose. I can always start

I will indeed get into these stories. mALX, I already read yours and though it took me some time to get use to the terms(vamp juices, seals, etc) it was nevertheless a good read. Buffy, I've read the latter parts of the last book and the first book entirely, but I must read the entire thing. Teresa? SubRosa, I've read some of the chapters but forgive me for not taking the time to comment on them with proper feedback *hides in shame*.

Grits, don't get me started