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> Excerpts From The Green Book Of Poems, Don't Look I'm Working On It In Here!
Wurlon
post Sep 4 2005, 08:25 PM
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Excerpts From The Green Book Of Poems
By Wurlon Firethorn


(I'm Using This As A Writing Station Please)
(Brb Later, Out Of Ideas For now)


The Horse And The Rider

So sat the knight, whom was dressed in gray mail,
perched on a horse so through wind he would sail!
But through battle and war, his horse would bleed,
so the rider gave armor to his steed!
But heavy and thick, the horse made a jump,
and the rider fell a thunderous thump!
But through anger and hurt, he was still sane,
and simply smacked the horse on it's mane!




This post has been edited by Wurlon: Nov 6 2005, 06:45 PM


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Soulseeker3.0
post Sep 5 2005, 01:54 AM
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not to bad. I don't like poems to much but yeah not to bad.

I like this part the best for some reason

From day to night the sky is all,
From Winter To Spring,
To Summer, To Fall,
Nothing but the sky shows all!

but I think the To summer part should be from but I don't know. night


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This was pretty unusual, because most children at his age wanted to become great warriors, known all through time as saviors of, well, anything - Toroabok
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Wurlon
post Sep 5 2005, 02:04 AM
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QUOTE(Soulseeker3.0 @ Sep 4 2005, 08:54 PM)
not to bad. I don't like poems to much but yeah not to bad.

I like this part the best for some reason

From day to night the sky is all,
From Winter To Spring,
To Summer, To Fall,
Nothing but the sky shows all!

but I think the To summer part should be from but I don't know. night
*


Thanks I changed that and it does sound better.

I'm not a fan of poetry besides the kind that rhymes but I really want to contribute to the library, and I already had a few poems in my mind. I just need like three more for this excerpt and to edit it...


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Soulseeker3.0
post Sep 5 2005, 02:06 AM
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well good luck wurlon


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This was pretty unusual, because most children at his age wanted to become great warriors, known all through time as saviors of, well, anything - Toroabok
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Wurlon
post Sep 5 2005, 02:27 AM
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QUOTE(Soulseeker3.0 @ Sep 4 2005, 09:06 PM)
well good luck wurlon
*


There's no way I could win, I submitted a story thinking we could only do one. Idk where that story went... anyway thanks for the very kind words tongue.gif


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Soulseeker3.0
post Sep 5 2005, 03:13 AM
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QUOTE(Wurlon @ Sep 5 2005, 02:27 AM)
There's no way I could win, I submitted a story thinking we could only do one. Idk where that story went... anyway thanks for the very kind words tongue.gif
*


no problem just have fun. biggrin.gif


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stargate525
post Sep 6 2005, 10:44 PM
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I tried reading them to myself, but found them kinda difficult, as there is little rythm to it. Try and get the sylables more even, it'll read 200% better.

Love the content though.


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Wurlon
post Sep 7 2005, 08:38 PM
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QUOTE(stargate525 @ Sep 6 2005, 05:44 PM)
I tried reading them to myself, but found them kinda difficult, as there is little rythm to it. Try and get the sylables more even, it'll read 200% better.

Love the content though.
*


I"m not done, and I haven't been able to finish because of school. I only have a little bit of time to talk on here before I start on homework..... and projects.... and studying....


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stargate525
post Sep 7 2005, 09:43 PM
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QUOTE(Wurlon @ Sep 7 2005, 04:38 PM)
I"m not done, and I haven't been able to finish because of school. I only have a little bit of time to talk on here before I start on homework..... and projects.... and studying....
*


just a suggestion, not an accusation.


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Wurlon
post Sep 10 2005, 06:54 PM
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QUOTE(stargate525 @ Sep 7 2005, 04:43 PM)
just a suggestion, not an accusation.
*


Well naturally as the writer I can't see my mistakes, the last poems blows and I'll most likely cut that out. Can you at least tell me where it gets sketchy?


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stargate525
post Sep 14 2005, 05:03 PM
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QUOTE(Wurlon @ Sep 10 2005, 01:54 PM)
Well naturally as the writer I can't see my mistakes, the last poems blows and I'll most likely cut that out. Can you at least tell me where it gets sketchy?
*


Sure. Take this one for example...

QUOTE(Wurlon @ Sep 4 2005, 03:25 PM)
The Horse And The Rider

So sat the knight, dressed in mail,
perched a horse so through wind he would sail!
But through battle and conquest, his horse would bleed,
so the rider gave armor to his noble steed!
But heavy and thick, the horse made a jump,
and the rider fell with a thunderous thump!
But through anger and hurt, the rider was sane,
and simply whacked the horse on the tip of it's mane!

*



... and observe the number of syllables;

6
10
11
12
10
11
11
12

no real pattern to them, although you almost had a 10,11,12 going there and the first two were pretty well matched . Try and get the rhyming lines to match in syllables, or be even, for example an 8/8, 8/6, or in this one, 10/12, 12/10, 10/8, 12/12 or 10/10. It just helps to get rythm into the poem so that it rolls off the tounge easier.

I loved the content of it, very good, just needs more rythm.

This post has been edited by stargate525: Sep 14 2005, 05:03 PM


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Wurlon
post Sep 17 2005, 12:08 AM
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QUOTE(stargate525 @ Sep 14 2005, 12:03 PM)
Sure. Take this one for example...
... and observe the number of syllables;

6
10
11
12
10
11
11
12

no real pattern to them, although you almost had a 10,11,12 going there and the first two were pretty well matched . Try and get the rhyming lines to match in syllables, or be even, for example an 8/8, 8/6, or in this one, 10/12, 12/10, 10/8, 12/12 or 10/10. It just helps to get rythm into the poem so that it rolls off the tounge easier.

I loved the content of it, very good, just needs more rythm.
*



Grr I have to work to do, I'll get back to this when I can... by the way nice avatar.

My main problem is I adore couplet style poems where it's AA, BB, AA, BB and I usualy just jam it all into one, ignoring syllables and such.

This post has been edited by Wurlon: Sep 17 2005, 12:11 AM


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Wurlon
post Sep 24 2005, 02:20 PM
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Sorry guys I've been very busy with schoolwork, I have a book report and a ballad to write for English this weekend. If my ballad is good enough (as I plan for it to be medievalish) I may add it up here, and it most certainly with have syllablistic stuff, as it's required. cheers..

Edit: I disliked the sky poem so I'm posting it here and taking it out the front, in case I want it again:

The Sky

Through skies of blue and black, we remain.

Through passing clouds of servitude,
We are granted shade for periods of time.
But with pleasure comes punishment, and the clouds are never balanced.
White clouds of heaven to black clouds of hell, none are ever equal.

Through skies of blue and black, we remain.

Storms of wind, rain, snow or ice,
The elements are always clear,
That the sky determines everything,
Including every thought or fear,

Through skies of blue and black, we remain.

From day to night the sky is all,
From Winter To Spring,
From Summer To Fall,
Nothing but the sky shows all!

Through skies of blue and black, we remain.

From infinite blue, to a star studded world,
The sky chooses what it wants to be,
Light and dark, clear and blocked,
The sky shows the world what it is.

Through skies of blue and black, we remain.

The sky is home to millions of things,
The chirping birds, the flying metours,
But unwelcomed things are sent back,
So we can never fly towards heaven too quick.

Through skies of blue and black, we remain.



This post has been edited by Wurlon: Sep 30 2005, 04:26 AM


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Wurlon
post Nov 2 2005, 09:54 PM
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Forget it I can't do poetry right now, .. you can delete this topic..


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stargate525
post Nov 2 2005, 09:59 PM
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QUOTE(Wurlon @ Nov 2 2005, 04:54 PM)
Forget it I can't do poetry right now, .. you can delete this topic..
*


oh c'mon. Those are good. Better than most of my drivel anyway.


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vaanic~one
post Nov 3 2005, 09:00 PM
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QUOTE(Wurlon @ Nov 2 2005, 08:54 PM)
Forget it I can't do poetry right now, .. you can delete this topic..
*



What makes you think that?


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Wurlon
post Nov 4 2005, 11:21 PM
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Well now there is no point, it would be late to send into the mod and no one cares to read my poetry anyway..


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stargate525
post Nov 4 2005, 11:28 PM
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QUOTE(Wurlon @ Nov 4 2005, 05:21 PM)
Well now there is no point, it would be late to send into the mod and no one cares to read my poetry anyway..
*


NO! The due date is for the competition ONLY. WE are accepting submissions for the library in general up to fifteen minutes before the mod comes out!


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Wurlon
post Nov 5 2005, 03:42 PM
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QUOTE(stargate525 @ Nov 4 2005, 06:28 PM)
NO! The due date is for the competition ONLY. WE are accepting submissions for the library in general up to fifteen minutes before the mod comes out!
*


ohhh when is that lol?


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stargate525
post Nov 5 2005, 05:01 PM
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QUOTE(Wurlon @ Nov 5 2005, 09:42 AM)
ohhh when is that lol?
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about a half-hour after we get ready to playtest it, that's when.


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