Jericho the "Hero" Options

[Fawkes]

Hey! After a long time of mulling it over I decided to actually do this!


mALX and SubRosa helped me to pinpoint the grammar things, so big thanks there. There still some things like run-ons that I still don't fix, promise they will be be mostly gone next chapter.




The cold morning air chilled the young man to the bone. Wearing nothing but rags, he had no protection against the elements. So he huddled against the stone cold wall.

He was looking at the passerby’s hoping that one will give him some septims, he had been saving for over a year now the little that he had left after the days meal.
He was so close to affording a sword, a hero is what he wanted to be the protector of the innocent and weak, to bring down justice across the lands.

He felt a overwhelming feeling of sadness, he knew that he would never be a hero, he was simply a street urchin.
“Anything to get out of that house…” He uttered under his breath.

“Hey you there!”
He was so concentrated on his thoughts that he had not noticed the man come near him,
Before he could run the man grabbed him. “Darn urchin, you know it’s illegal to beg within the city!”

He could finally see the man clearly, he was nearly double his size, the man’s arms looked like tree trunks his face was clearly scared and wrinkled, a heavy white beard covered half of his face and he a messy set of hair, however the most prominent feature was the fact that the man was missing a eye, his good eye was a deep green that looked as empty as his bad eye.

And what he had not noticed…the man was wearing the Imperial General Armor.

“Kid, you know that I will now have to confiscate any gold that you are carrying.”
His heart skipped a beat, all the gold that he had been saving…gone, due to his stupidity, he felt his eyes start to water.
“…No..” he managed to utter. The man looked shocked, “Really kid, You want to do this the hard way?”

Tears were already running down his cheeks, he was so close…so close. “I..I can’t give you…the money.” he had tried to sound strong, yet his voice came out shaky.
The man sighed, “Now, now, don’t cry.” with one of his sausage like fingers he wiped the tears away, “What’s your name kid?”
“Je…jer...Jericho.”

“Name’s Nale, c’mon I’ll take you for breakfast, you look like you have not eaten in days.”


****

The pub was almost empty, the only customers besides them was a male Orc clad at some fierce looking armor, who was sitting alone quietly eating in the table next to them.

“So,” Nale rested his head on his hands watching Jericho eat the giant slab of mutton, “You want to become a Hero?” Jericho nodded, his mouth was full with mutton, which was rather chewy.

The Orc next to them grunted, “A Hero, eh?” the Orc’s deep voice caused Jericho knees to feel like jelly.
The Orc looked at Jericho with a rather hungry look. “You know, a handsome man like you would make a perfect husband for an adventure like me.”
Jericho felt his face turn red, while Nale just sighed.
“So what do you say little Imperial, after a hard days adventure coming home to a handsome man like you and getting some comfort will be exactly what I need.” The Orc winked at Jericho.
Nale raised his voice, “The kid is with me!”
The Orc sighed, “Well…it was worth a shot.” he got up and headed for the door.

“Nale?”
“Yeah?”
“What does “getting some comfort” mean?”
Nale’s face turn bright red, “Nothing!”

****
The duo found themselves in the Elven district, Jericho could not help but feel fuzzy inside, he was smiling from ear to ear, Nale felt more like a father than his actual father did.
“So your mom is…?”
Jericho nodded, “My…dad, he came home…really drunk one night and he…”
Nale placed his hand on Jericho’s shoulder, “You don’t have to say it kid, don’t worry about it from here on out your with me.”

With out thinking Jericho quickly embraced Nale, he simply could not express his feelings, “Thank you, thank you!” he managed to stutter out. Nale laughed, “It won’t be for free of course, You will be running errands on behalf of the Imperial Legion, so you better not let me down!”

[Olen]

Good start. You've put in the background very quickly. Jericho is the downtroden and slightly nieve kid. There's hints of an unpleasant past, but no detailswhich is good for suspense. Starting at what I suspect is a turning point works well, he has a job with the legion now.

Nale is an interesting one as a kindly guard. I'm suspecting there might be more reason to his taking Jericho in but I've no idea what.

And we have a rather forward Orc... makes me wonder what sort of place Nale took him to

I'll be interested to see the continuation.

[mALX]

Firstly, Welcome to the Fic Forum !!

I love the story so far! It is really interesting, and it is giving us some background on Jericho and Nale so when we read the "what I did today" we'll know their story !!

I loved the details you have added, they really make a story - like the mutton being chewy, right away we get a picture of the kind of place it is they are eating in (more like the "Feed Bag, definitely not the Merchants, etc), and we can picture Jericho trying to chew it - really great detail, and you did that in several places.

I like that Nale seemed to understand without words a lot of times, like talking about his mom being dead - and didn't make Jericho finish saying something that would cause him pain.

Another thing I liked is that in the short page you sent, you managed to develop two very different characters really well. We got to see glimpses into their lives and personalities, we know Nale is Legion - and we also get a tiny look at what Jericho will be doing the next time we read.

You did an EXCELLENT job on this, I love it !!!!

[SubRosa]

I like the character so far. Jericho sounds like a kid who wants to do right, but has the misfortune of running afoul of reality, which as we all know, bites. One cannot help but to sympathize with his plight. First he is shaken down by Nale. But thankfully that turned out much better then it could have. Then he runs across an orc who thinks he'd be an excellent boy toy. It does end on a good note however, for it looks like Nale is willing to give him a job in the Legion as a page/gopher. Which is probably an ideal place for him to be, considering both his aspirations, and his actual possibilities.

Nits:
Still a lot of run-on sentences. Keep going over those, and reading them outloud to see where you want to pause for breath. That is the place to end a sentence, or at least put in a comma.

[Acadian]

And a new story by you! I’m glad to see you finally sharing Jericho with us. He is compelling right off the bat. It seems a good stroke of luck running into Nale when he did and I imagine there is much the guard can teach him. Good start!

[Darkness Eternal]

Welcome! Jericho, the beggar boi, is rather young and new to alot of things. Nale seems like a kind fellow. Free breakfeast? That's good enough for me. It was a short chapter for a prologue, but nevertheless adds more insight to the characters.

[McBadgere]

Nice one!!... ...

Excellent start...Getting taken under the General's wing is a decent start for the poor wee laddie... ...

Is that the Orc adventurer which pops up in Oblivion?...He's always a joy when he turns up... ...

Brilliant job, really enjoyed it...

Keep going...*Thumbsup*...

*Applauds heartily*... ...

[Tábrasa]

What a wonderful start to an intreaging story!

I have to agree with mALX, the little details you give help elevate the story and the imagry so much more.

I could feel Jericho's pain when the money he had worked so hard to save was taken away from him. The way you described how he felt at that moment was spot on.

I too can't help but wonder whether Nale has something in store for Jericho? It seem's a bit fishy to me that someone of his status would make such an effort for a lowly street urchin; considering the place he took him to and the company within.

Enjoyed this very much and am eager for more!

[Athynae]

A grand opening sir. Everyone has complimented your imagery and character building and I will add my mark to the tally, most excellent.

I like Jericho, he seems to have the heart to do whatever he wants even if he doesn't have the money. I do hope Nale helps him and shows him what it means not only to be Legion but also to have a mentor that cares.

Excellent can't wait for more!!!!!

And in another realm....

I just saw this fic, I might be blind! Haha, so naturally I skipped class so I could read through it and this is how I was the whole time; Just like this

Would this be anyone we know??? HHMM? Shame on you.

[Grits]

I’m glad you’re writing Jericho’s adventures! I like how you revealed some background through a natural conversation. Jericho showed real spirit standing up for himself against a general, even though it terrified him. Maybe that’s the spark that Nale saw in him, and why he took him out for breakfast instead of arresting him.

I’m looking forward to more!

[Lady Saga]

The Orc next to them grunted, “A Hero, eh?” the Orc’s deep voice caused Jericho knees to feel like jelly.
The Orc looked at Jericho with a rather hungry look. “You know, a handsome man like you would make a perfect husband for an adventure like me.”

Oh noos!

Congratulations Killer Pengu...err...Fawkes. Yours is the first story I've started to read here at Chorrol. And what a cliffhanger. What happens next? You have work to do, young man!

[Zalphon]

Make your chapters longer! I want to see how he does with the Legion!