A Daughter's Promise ~ Lissa Cristenn's Journal Options

[Rihanae]

Hey there!

Here is the journal for my Redguard Lissa Cristenn.

Lissa is an Archress, she is very 'pro-female', so she refuses to be acknowledged as an archer, as she finds it sexist. She is 19, carefree and VERY unpredictable. She knows what she want and doesnt take no for an answer, whether she is encouraging her freinds or trying to haggle with a merchant.

I plan to write as much as my brain can handle, which will hopefully be well over 150 chapters, but it depends on the reception I get. I plan to write the journal in first person, to get a more in depth view of Lissa's personality.

Enjoy :D

Edit: I have recently had a complete overhaul of the first part of this chapter. All comments before my comment about the edit, were for the pre-edit

PROLOGUE ~ PART 1

Lissa. Get up.

Lissa, You need to get up now!

“LISSA!”

My eyes pried themselves open. The sun was shining through the window. Another sunny day in Anvil. Maelona was standing by my bed, her hands on her hips.

“Do you realise how long I’ve been calling you for?” Maelona hovered over me, grabbed my duvet and pulled it off the bed, leaving my body vulnerable to the cold air. “You have to get up. Mother wants you to meet her at the Mages Guild before you go and help Dad with the horses.”
“But I had a lesson yesterday. Come on…”
“Look, Liss, You know what Mother’s like. You know what you want to do in life and that’s good. But Mother wants you to be safe.”
I groaned. “Well, you go and I’ll just copy your notes.” I smiled at Maelona, who smiled back.
“Come on Sis, the sooner you get it done the sooner you can go and help dad.”
She was right. Even though tending to the horses was not very thrilling, I got to spend some personal time with my dad, which hardly ever happens due to him being away a lot. I rose slowly out of my bed and put on some clothes. “There’s a good girl. Now hurry to the Guild. I’ve got to meet Gogan.”

* * *

“Now, what do we know about draining health?”
I was sat at a desk in the Guild, tears of tiredness streaming down my face. Mother’s lessons were boring. That’s the only word to describe it. She was adamant that I become at least an Apprentice in Restoration before I set out on my adventures, But I was only 12. I wasn’t going anywhere just yet.
“Mother, I know all this. To drain health you have to get up real close to the enemy then BAM, health draining goodness.”
“Well, no, you have to touch the enemy to drain its health. Have you even been listening Lissa?”
There was an awkward silence, but I spoke up. “No.”
“Lissa!”
“I’m sorry Mother, but I just don’t understand why I have to learn so much RIGHT now. I’m not leaving until I’m 21”
Mothers eyes turned from angry, to sympathetic. She walked over from the bookshelf and perched next to me. Her hand touched mine. “I know honey, I’m sorry. It’s just that I worry. I just want you to be completely safe for when you venture out into the world. If I know that I’ve contributed to your safety, I won’t worry as much.”
I felt incredibly guilty after Mother told me this. “Oh… sorry Mother. I didn’t know you felt like that. Ok… I wanna keep going.”
“No, Lissa, You’re right. I’m pushing too much on you.” She stood up, walked over to the coat rack and grabbed my coat. “That’s enough for today. Go and see your Father.”
Mother smiled at me. I ran up to her and kissed her on the cheek, grabbed the coat from her hand and left.

* * *

“LISSA!”

I turned to see Maelona running towards me. “You left this at home.”
She was holding the jade necklace she bought me for my sixth birthday. My most treasured possession.
“Oh, thanks, where’d you find it?”
“Under your pillow. You need to take care of it. It’s magic, you know.” She smiled and handed me the necklace.
“It sure is Mae. I gotta go see Dad. See you later.”
We exchanged hugs and Maelona ran back towards Gogan. They were sitting by the big oak tree opposite the Mages Guild. Maelona spent all her time there. It seemed a bit boring to me. I headed to the main gate to get to the stables.

* * *

“Sorry honey but the horses are all sorted.”
Dad leaned on the fence of the stables. We had a lot of horses, but not one of them were ours.
“Oh… That’s ok. I’ll go back and see Mother, then.”
“Actually, I had something else planned.”
My eyes lit up. “Ooh, what is it?”
Dad laughed. “Now if I told you that, it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?”
I was incredibly exited. Not only was I spending quality time with my Dad, but he had an amazing day planned. Things were looking perfect.

* * *

Dad and I went on a little journey along the Gold Coast. It was about as exciting as getting pinched by a mudcrab, but I loved it. I was with my dad. We were walking along the coast, the sun burning its gaze into our skin when Dad suddenly stopped in his tracks. My attention met with what caught his; a young Bosmer girl being chased by what I could only assume were bandits. Dad unsheathed his mighty Blade and said:
"Honey, go back home. Daddy's gotta take care of somethin'." His tone was serious. Mine was not.
"But Daddy, I wanna go with you. I'm not scared."
He knelt down to my level. His eyes met mine.
"I know you're not, honey, but do this for me. Ok?"
After a pause I nodded, my eyes obviously showed my dissapointment. Dad kissed my forehead, rose to his feet and chased the Bandits.

After Dad was out of sight I headed back to Anvil. But then I stopped. I needed to know that Dad was ok, so I turned back around and ran in the direction my Dad had gone. I was disobeying his orders, and I didn't care.

The fresh footprints in the sand led to a solitary cave, which I entered without fear. All I could see was black. All I could hear was the lonley sound of water dripping from above. All I could feel was supressed fear.

I grabbed a torch that hung loosely from the cave wall. Luckily, i knew a minor flare spell, so lighting the torch was no big deal. It was big, though. I looked like an idiot holding it. The moment the heavy torch was lit, horror filled my body and caused my skin to freeze.

Bodies. Lots of bodies.

The bodies of the bandits, bodies of villagers... and the body of the Bosmer. The fear on her face terrified me. She looked so scared. Her eyes were haunting. The smell was horrible. Some of the bodies could have been there for days, or weeks, or months! That was a horrible thought.
But what kind of monster could have done that?

But then I noticed something. Dad was nowhere to be seen.

And the dead had blade marks etched into their bodies. The weapon Dad took into the cave with him.

Only one question filled my head.

Did Dad do this?

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Mar 15 2011, 02:13 PM

[mALX]

Welcome to the fic forums, and congrats on your first post here! GAAAH! Ending with a cliffhanger already !!! Great Write !!!

[Acadian]

Welcome Rihanae! This is a nice introduction for your young Redguard. It sounds like you have elaborate plans for this! I expect you are enthusiastic to be starting a new story, but I would now let it rest here for a few days and give folks the oportunity to wander by and read. mALX was right, you have given us a cliffhanger!

[King Coin]

I'll be checking back for updates!

[SubRosa]

Welcome to the mosh pit Rihane!

Lissa's first episode started out slow, but certainly picked up at the end. The way you left us wondering about the nature of her father was fantastic! (and poor cliff, hung again! )

Are you looking for criticisms of your writing? Some people are, some are not. There is nothing wrong with latter.

[Ceidwad]

Welcome to the fic forums, and congrats on your first post here! GAAAH! Ending with a cliffhanger already !!! Great Write !!!

Agreed! I look forward to reading more. (This forum is really eating into my time at present)

I'm working on a fan fic myself at the moment, but it will likely be a fair while before I post it here, if at all. I don't have the discipline or organisation to update regularly, so I plan to give myself some breathing space with a few dozen pages first, and then post gradually and write up when I can.

This post has been edited by Ceidwad: Mar 6 2011, 03:42 AM

[Rihanae]

Welcome to the mosh pit Rihane!

Lissa's first episode started out slow, but certainly picked up at the end. The way you left us wondering about the nature of her father was fantastic! (and poor cliff, hung again! )

Are you looking for criticisms of your writing? Some people are, some are not. There is nothing wrong with latter.

My intention was for the first part of the prologue to be plain, like how she saw her life, and things picked up and got more insane near the end, showing a drastic change for her and the story.

I would love any critisisms anyone may have, as long as they are constructive

[Thomas Kaira]

Fun stuff! I would much like to see more!

This chapter played the role of the "reader-grabber" and did it quite well. I find myself wondering the same thing as dear Lissa. It would make for an interesting twist, as well, having her father be in some sort of sect or cult. However, I find this hard to believe, given his demeanor and treatment of her daughter. Either that, or he's very good at keeping secrets.

Nits:

It was about as exiting as getting pinched by a Mudcrab, but I loved it

Should be exciting.

We were walking along the coast, the sun burning its gaze into our skin when Dad suddenly stopped in his trackes

Typo.

The fresh footprints in the sand led to a solitary cave, which I entered without fear. All I could see was black. All I could hear was the lonley.sound of dripping water from above

Two typos.

The bodies of the Bandits, bodies of villagers... And the body of the Bosmer

"And" should not be capitalized here. The triple period denotes hesitation within a sentence, not the end of a sentence.

This post has been edited by Thomas Kaira: Mar 6 2011, 05:55 PM

[Rihanae]

I am using the internet on my touchscreen phone, which I used to type the prologue, and I missed the typos, but I will edit them.
Thank you for spotting them

Edit: I have edited the typos

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Mar 6 2011, 06:15 PM

[ureniashtram]

An intriguing story; definitely draws the reader's attention! Am gonna check back for some means of rescue from this cliffhanger! (does that cheesey joke make sense?)

Oh, and welcome!

[SubRosa]

I saw two main things when I read the first episode. The first, and most minor thing was capitalization. You have a lot of things capitalized that should not be, like Blade, Mace, Bandits, etc... You can find out tons of info on what to capitalize and what not to here.

The second thing is that you fell into the trap that catches most beginning writers. You started out with an infodump telling us all about your character's background and history. We do not need to know any of that to start with. It is better if you slowly reveal these things to us over time. Dole them out like little sweet treats, and your readers will keep coming back for more. Look to how haute has written her protagonist Julian of Anvil, or Grits with Jerric, or Thomas 'captain cook' Kaira with Derelas for examples. Also consider that when you first meet someone IRL, you only find out who they are, and what they are like, a little bit at a time. Let us get to know Lissa in the same manner.

The last thing you fell into with your infodump was that you told it all to us, rather than showed it. A better way to convey details like that Lissa's tends the horses with her dad is to start the story with her doing exactly that. During the scene she might make a comment how she does it every single day. Maybe she finds it tiresome? Maybe she looks forward to it?

It takes more time to write this way, and takes up more space on the page. But there is no hurry, as you do not have to show these things to us all at once. I suggest removing that entire first part and start the story with the action. Just give us a scene here and there as the story goes on showing Lissa doing the ordinary things in her life, and connecting with her friends.

On the other hand, once you passed the infodump and got the the actual story the telling stopped and you did an excellent job of showing us what was happening, and Lissa's reactions. So I do not think it is a recurring issue. Just keep writing the entire piece in that manner, and people will continue coming back for more. I think you are doing a good job over all. You have given us an interesting character to latch onto, plus a mystery for her to solve that is very personal to her. These are the kind of things you want to do right at the start, to catch people's interest and make them want to read more. So keep it up!

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Mar 6 2011, 11:26 PM

[Rihanae]

I saw two main things when I read the first episode. The first, and most minor thing was capitalization. You have a lot of things capitalized that should not be, like Blade, Mace, Bandits, etc... You can find out tons of info on what to capitalize and what not to here.

The second thing is that you fell into the trap that catches most beginning writers. You started out with an infodump telling us all about your character's background and history. We do not need to know any of that to start with. It is better if you slowly reveal these things to us over time. Dole them out like little sweet treats, and your readers will keep coming back for more. Look to how haute has written her protagonist Julian of Anvil, or Grits with Jerric, or Thomas 'captain cook' Kaira with Derelas for examples. Also consider that when you first meet someone IRL, you only find out who they are, and what they are like, a little bit at a time. Let us get to know Lissa in the same manner.

The last thing you fell into with your infodump was that you told it all to us, rather than showed it. A better way to convey details like that Lissa's tends the horses with her dad is to start the story with her doing exactly that. During the scene she might make a comment how she does it ever single day. Maybe she finds it tiresome? Maybe she looks forward to it?

It takes more time to write this way, and takes up more space on the page. But there is no hurry, as you do not have to show these things to us all at once. I suggest removing that entire first part and start the story with the action. Just give us a scene here and there as the story goes on showing Lissa doing the ordinary things in her life, and connecting with her friends.

On the other hand, once you passed the infodump and got the the actual story the telling stopped and you did an excellent job of showing us what was happening, and Lissa's reactions. So I do not think it is a recurring issue. Just keep writing the entire piece in that manner, and people will continue coming back for more. I think you are doing a good job over all. You have given us an interesting character to latch onto, plus a mystery for her to solve that is very personal to her. These are the kind of things you want to do right at the start, to catch people's interest and make them want to read more. So keep it up!

Thank you so much for the advice. I see what you mean. Their is alot to Lissa's character that I should reveal gradually. So what should I do?

Shoud I edit the first post and remove what I should?
Or should I delete this and start a new thread?

[SubRosa]

I would not start a new thread after just one post. Whether you want to keep it the way it is, or change the beginning of that first post, is your call. All I am offering is advice. It is your story. Think about it, and do what you think is right.

I do hope you can use a regular computer to do your writing in the future. I cannot imagine trying to do all of this on a phone! I do all my writing in Word on my home (and sometimes my work) pc. Then copy and paste it here.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Mar 6 2011, 11:26 PM

[haute ecole rider]

I'm with Sage Rose on her advice.

I would edit the first post. What may be easiest is to edit it in a word processor program first, then copy and paste it into the edit screen, completely replacing the first part (or the entire thing, if you don't have to do a lot of formatting, like I do). No need to start a new thread. You should see a button under your post that says edit. When you click on that, it'll give you the option of a quick edit, or a full edit. Since you're editing a lot, I would click on the full edit, as that lets you see more of the post. Quick edit's good for fixing a word or two here and there, but full edit's better for whole blocks of text.

Oh, and welcome to Chorrol! I hope you enjoy your stay here. Do take the time to read others' fiction - it's always inspirational. I would recommend SubRosa's Teresa fiction, or Acadian's Buffy the Bowgirl. Jerric's Story (Grits), Chronicles of Talendor, and Light Through Darkness are good choices too. There's always a few that I leave out, so apologies to the others!

This post has been edited by haute ecole rider: Mar 6 2011, 09:55 PM

[Thomas Kaira]

I would also recommend reading "The Neveragaine" and sequel "The Neveragaine Strikes Back." Helena is truly a master of satire.

This post has been edited by Thomas Kaira: Mar 6 2011, 10:09 PM

[Acadian]

And if your taste runs to beautifully powerful raw emotions, delightful humor and intricate plot, mALX's Maxical is a delightful story.

[Ceidwad]

I saw two main things when I read the first episode. The first, and most minor thing was capitalization. You have a lot of things capitalized that should not be, like Blade, Mace, Bandits, etc... You can find out tons of info on what to capitalize and what not to here.

When I first saw 'Blade' capitalized I assumed there was something particularly great about the blade (perhaps an enchantment) that merited the capital letter. That had me speculating on what sort of enchantment it could be! Now that I've checked it and seen 'mudcrab' capitalized, I realise that probably wasn't Rihanae's intention.

[TheOtherRick]

Great start to this story! I'll definitely be following this one. I love a good cliff hanger.

[Rihanae]

I have edited the first part of the Prologue. The second part will be here shortly

[Acadian]

I reviewed your edited version. By golly you've got it! That is how to 'show' us Lissa instead of 'tell' us about her. Very nice, and you have deftly created a likable character with her full sense of youth and family. I look forward to your next update.

This post has been edited by Acadian: Mar 10 2011, 02:55 AM