Line up yer jokes ;) Options

[Darkwing]

President Bush visits all the grade schools in order to improve his electoral ratings. At one school, the teacher is holding a discussion regarding the meanings of certain words.  President Bush leads the class.


"Can anybody give me an example of the word 'disaster'?" he asks.


One little girl raises her hand and answers, "What if my friend Lucy, who lives on a farm, was run over by a tractor and killed.  That would be a disaster Mr.President."


"I'm sorry" says Bush, "But that would not be a disaster, that would be an accident. Does anybody else want to have a go?"


A little boy in the front raises his hand.  "What if a school bus full of children drove off a cliff and everyone inside died?"


"No" says Bush, "That would be a 'great loss'.  Can't anyone give me an example of the word 'disaster'?"


After a long silence, a boy in the back raises his hand and in a small voice he says, "What if an Air Force One jet carrying the president was shot down in friendly fire missile and everyone on board was killed?"


"Yes! That's right!" cries the President in triumph, "And can you tell me why that would be a disaster?"


"Well," says the boy, "It would have to be a disaster because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[Soulseeker3.0]

Ha ha ha thats funny.

[Bored Guest X]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

[stargelman]

Haha...oh my. Way to go!

[minque]

:lmao: oh my g****

[Soulseeker3.0]

HA HA HA HA!!!! :rofl: :lmao:

[milanius]

A philosophy professor came to university one day with a big glass jar and three boxes filled, respectivly, with rocks, gravel and sand. As he entered the amphitheater filled with his students he began his lecture by filling the jar with rocks and a question:
"Is this jar completely filled ?"
Several students said that there are empty spaces in jar; professor nodded and then took the gravel, filling up the big holes between rocks in jar. Then he repeated his question.
This time more students said that the jar still has lot of slack space, and professor then, in responce, took the third and final box, containing sand, and filled those smallest gaps with it. When he asked his question again nearly everyone replied that the jar was filled completely.
"Good" professor replied, "now observe: if this jar represents human life, you can see that there are major things in it, like schooling, love and wedding, birth of a child or death of some family member; those are rocks. The smaller things in life, such as getting a driver`s licence or a new job, is gravel; it fills much empty space in life. Then, there are small things in life - like festivals, music concerts, movies or even your favourite TV show; those things are the spice of life and so, they fill the rest of your life.
So, a man or a woman can say that they lived a fulfilled life only when they had all these things in it."
After a brief pause one student who`s been silent troughout the whole lecture raised from his seat, went all the way down to professor`s jar with a can of beer in his hands. When he got near to it he opened the beercan and poured the beer into the jar.
Professor, stunned, asked him what was he doing. Student answered him:
"No matter how much the life is full, there is always enough room in it for beer !"

[Bored Guest X]

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

[Warsgoth]

I have a funny.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

OK, so I don't have any, leave me alone...

[Bored Guest X]

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

[ShOcKwAvE-]

President Bush visits all the grade schools in order to improve his electoral ratings. At one school, the teacher is holding a discussion regarding the meanings of certain words.  President Bush leads the class.


\"Can anybody give me an example of the word 'disaster'?\" he asks.


One little girl raises her hand and answers, \"What if my friend Lucy, who lives on a farm, was run over by a tractor and killed.  That would be a disaster Mr.President.\"


\"I'm sorry\" says Bush, \"But that would not be a disaster, that would be an accident. Does anybody else want to have a go?\"


A little boy in the front raises his hand.  \"What if a school bus full of children drove off a cliff and everyone inside died?\"


\"No\" says Bush, \"That would be a 'great loss'.  Can't anyone give me an example of the word 'disaster'?\"


After a long silence, a boy in the back raises his hand and in a small voice he says, \"What if an Air Force One jet carrying the president was shot down in friendly fire missile and everyone on board was killed?\"


\"Yes! That's right!\" cries the President in triumph, \"And can you tell me why that would be a disaster?\"


\"Well,\" says the boy, \"It would have to be a disaster because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.\"

lol, thats a good one.

[X_R_Sniper]

haha thats so true (the first post)

[Oozae]

[quote=X_R_Sniper]haha thats so true (the first post)[/quote]Indeed my young padawan [img]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/ups/DeNiro/jawa.gif[/img]

[minque]

[quote=Oozae][quote=X_R_Sniper]haha thats so true (the first post)[/quote]Indeed my young padawan [img]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/ups/DeNiro/jawa.gif[/img][/quote]

Now then..I kinda like the word "padawan" but please enlighten a poor outlander what this word exactly means...... :confused:

[Sinder Velvin]

[quote=minque][quote=Oozae][quote=X_R_Sniper]haha thats so true (the first post)[/quote]Indeed my young padawan [img]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/ups/DeNiro/jawa.gif[/img][/quote]

Now then..I kinda like the word "padawan" but please enlighten a poor outlander what this word exactly means...... :confused:[/quote]

Gosh, you need to see more Star Wars...

It's something along the lines of "apprentice".

[Oozae]

[quote=Sinder Velvin][quote=minque][quote=Oozae][quote=X_R_Sniper]haha thats so true (the first post)[/quote]Indeed my young padawan [img]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/ups/DeNiro/jawa.gif[/img][/quote]

Now then..I kinda like the word "padawan" but please enlighten a poor outlander what this word exactly means...... :confused:[/quote]

Gosh, you need to see more Star Wars...

It's something along the lines of "apprentice".[/quote]That is indeed most true, my young padawan [img]http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/ups/DeNiro/jawa.gif[/img]

[Cloaksheed]

well you could always join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them

If a man says something, but there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to work

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't

You laugh because I’m different I laugh because you're all the same

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths. Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers. Keep supplies of them handy at all times.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day

An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her

I dislike blasphemy on purely rational grounds. If there is no God, blasphemy is stupid and unnecessary; if there is, then it's damned dangerous

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off

-----------------

What do you guys think?

[minque]

:lmao: :rofl: Great jokes! More please!

[Darkwing]

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off



Thats a brilliant one! lol

[Soulseeker3.0]

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her

LOL great!