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> Unnamed : Chapter 1, My Best Story: In Progress!
Wurlon
post Nov 12 2005, 02:23 AM
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Once again I'm at it with a story, so far I have the first chapter. I plan on this being quite long, so as I complete chapters I'll post them here. For now, PLEASE comment on them and tell me if something is sketchy. Or if something could be improved ect. I haven't decided on a permanent title, so ideas for that would be very helpful. Here goes chapter 1!

Chapter One

Dro’Hash stood behind the bookstore counter, gazing with absolute love at his store. He had wily bought the two story bookstore with his saved farming funds, and now made more money in a week then two years on a farm. He still owned the old farm outside the city, but it was just brackens and copses that he used for alchemical studies. This khajiit was still young and now becoming moderately opulent, but Dro’Hash was not ready for a wealthy life. Most of the time, he gave his extra gold to the temple or imperial cult. He had spent quite a large amount of his earnings on tutoring from the locals. Dro’Hash could now speak like a normal imperial, without the first person style associated with khajiits and argonians.

Dro’Hash now warily examined the store to make sure it looked perfect as always, which it did. The store itself was shaped like a backwards “L” where the bookshelves were at the smaller line and the counter ran across the larger line. The entrance faced west and the stairs to Dro’Hash’s room stood behind the counter. Dro’Hash returned from his quick inspection to his wooden stool located behind the counter. He scrubbed his baggy red shirt of loose hairs, and the same for his dark brown pants. He brushed his soft fur with his small claws, and scratched his rounded face. When he was finished with his little grooming, he picked up his book “The Coyoteman” and began reading the last few pages he had left. This book was quite new, with the dark red cover still in mint condition. As the khajiit continued, he smelt something redolent nearby and he immediately placed his book down to view. As he lifted his head, a young female khajiit walked through the door, wearing an expensive dark green shirt and dark blue pants. Her whole body was well rounded; her face was a mixture of dark browns and orange to create a cute complexion. Her round ears were perked upward and her flaccid tail followed her movements. Dro’Hash found her extraordinarily attractive, never had he seen such a beautiful female khajiit.

The female khajiit approached the counter and smiled showing her marvelously white teeth. Dro’Hash had no idea what to do, so he smiled back and attempted to sit as straight as he could. The other khajiit began to speak with her cute little lips:

“Excuse me handsome, but are you the owner of this pleasant store?” she asked in an voice as soothing as the warmth of the sun.

“Why yes I am, young lady, how may I be of service to a fine woman like you?” Dro’hash asked with courage.

“Well, I am almost finished learning how to speak and write like a normal person, so I am reading as much as I can. I heard a new book came in a few days ago and wish to purchase it, I believe its name is The Coyoteman” she asked smoothly.

“I just finished reading a copy, would you like me to go get a fresh one from the shelves?”

“If you are willing, I’ll buy the copy you were just looking at. Looks like a very great person took care of it,” she stated and smiled.

“Only the best copy for you, I’ll sell it to you for sixty gold. That is a lot cheaper then usual,”

“Perfect,” the pretty khajiit mumbled as she pulled a heavy bag of gold coins from her pocket and placed seventy on the counter. “Even though money could not make you more handsome, it feels good to give it to you,” she continued as she giggled.

“Thanks. But I have never seen you around this town before, what is your name?”

“Oh I just moved here two days ago, my name is Megashi. I live a two blocks from here, in the bright white two story house on the end. You are the first person that actually asked, which is nice. What is your name?”

“My name is Dro’Hash, or Hash for short. This is my bookstore and I live upstairs. I myself have only been here for two months and I have already have had a lot of business. I am glad to see fellow khajiits to be in the area,”

“Ah yes, I would love it if you stopped by my house for a visit, I am going to be a writer and it would benefit me to meet exquisite citizens like yourself,”

“I would love to, and if you ever require any books just tell me. But I am curious, if you are learning so much how do you manage to pay it? When I began to be tutored on how to speak and write, it cost me almost all of my income,”

“I was taught how to fight in many areas and how to fight with heavy armor. The local barracks reported me as being extremely good and granted me permission to train people in combative ways. I teach how to use heavy armor, how to block, how to use blades and how to use a spear. I can teach you how to use a spear moderately, but blades is my utmost specialty. If you ever need training just ask me”

“That would be splendid, in case someone came to rob my store,” Dro’Hash joked while gesturing punches. They laughed together for a bit before Hash continued.

“I myself know a lot about alchemy, trading and how to use bows from when I lived on my farm. I sent a letter to the Barracks, Thieves Guild and Guild of Mages to allow me to teach them and await a reply. But nothing says I cannot teach a friend, so if you would like it just ask,”

As two ended their conversation, Megashi told him she had to leave for a training appointment. As she smoothly exited the store, Hash felt stunned by love and an impulse to see her again. He planned on trying to meet her tomorrow and bring her some gold kanet flowers he grew from his old farm. As he began to picture her in his head, he drove himself more crazy about her; he began to admire her roundness and her medium sized breasts, her pretty face and her charming personality. Dro’Hash ran the store for the rest of the day and finished with an extra four hundred gold in his pocket. Then he locked up the store, heded up to his bed and pondered about her until he finally fell asleep on top of his pillow. Her image was engraved into in his mind.

Chapter 2

Dro’Hash was only awakened by the sudden falling rain, which crackled upon his roof. He slowly dressed himself in a nice gray shirt and light blue pants which seemed to suit the day. He walked downstairs, locked the door to his room and then exited his shop only to lock that sage green door also. But the weather was worse then he thought, it was raining extremely hard, splashes of water gushed from upper gutters as they overflowed. He quickly went back inside and replaced his good clothes with a plain green robe. Hash would use this robe for long trips or nasty weather like it was. Right before he went on the streets again, he grabbed a leather pouch and strapped it to his side with some gold inside. But this time, when he stepped outside he was interrupted by a guard dressed in a full steel suit. The rain simply smashed against his shoulders as he looked onward into the shop. When Dro’Hash opened the door, the guard began to speak to him.

“Sir, as a caring officer of the Imperial law I must warn you that tremendously strong winds have been hitting areas not protected by walls. If you are going to leave the city, you may want to use teleportation to avoid it. I will not stop you from going, however, “the young imperial said. He seemed to be very concerned, but Dro’Hash believed it was his duty to act that way. Hash never did use teleportation before; maybe he should gather some more information before he tried to get himself blown away.

“Officer, I have only been here for so long, can you direct me to where I can use teleportation services? I need to go to my farm located outside Trimglade,” the khajiit asked.

“Yes sir, the Guild of Mages would be your best bet of getting to where you want. If you don’t know where it is I will gladly escort you there,”

“Ah yes, I forgot about that. Thanks for your advice but I know where the guild is,” Dro’Hash replied, now remembering the route to the Mage’s guild.

As the guard walked away towards a roofed porch down the street, Hash dashed into an alley across the street. The rain still was gushing off the roofs above, so as the khajiit sprinted through the small alley, sudden bursts of water blasted his head. As he reached the end, he placed his hands on the stiff stone walls, and took a breath. The Mage’s guild was only three streets over, but he was already drenched. Hash continued his dash through town, until he came to a wide three story building. It was painted white and had beautiful tan wood beams, a sign of great Imperial architecture. He opened the door, and almost immediately a Breton wearing a lavender cloak began to speak.

“Greetings sir, can I….”

But Hash was not paying attention; instead he shook himself rapidly in an attempt to fling off excess water. Little drops of water flew everywhere in the small entry room and his fur was sticking out everywhere. The Breton did not bother to continue his speech, but instead looked at khajiit with disgust as his robe was covered in little droplet spots. Dro’Hash simply walked passed the man, took the flight of stairs to the left and approached an Altmer woman wearing an expensive red robe.

“Excuse me miss, but would you happen to know who does teleportation here?” Hash inquired.


“I do teleportation, my name is Glista. If you need my service then follow me to the teleportation stand,” she replied as she began to walk into another room. Hash followed soon after.

“Where would you like to go?” she asked, in a snotty rich voice.
“Trimglade, if possible,”
“Alright, that will be thirty gold for a nonmember,”
Hash took coins out of his pouch and gave it to her. The Altmer then mumbled some words and moved her hands rapidly up and down until a bright blue light surrounded Dro’Hash.

The khajiit suddenly appeared at the Mage’s guild in Trimglade. Hash recollected himself and walked down a flight of stairs to his right, passed at least five people and out the door. It was raining equally hard here, but Trimglade was not walled and the wind was horrible. Hash’s robe clung against his side as it was pulled by the wind and he had a hard time walking without leaning to the way the wind blew. Hash was very familiar with the small town; it only had a main road which had all the shops and guilds on it, while the two surrounding roads were filled with houses or stables. Hash forced his way to the West side of town, where he found the trail he made that led to his farm. Unfortunately, it was now a line of continuous mud puddles. Dro’Hash trudged through the filth and mud for two miles, while it rained argonians and khajiits. The wind was very vicious, Hash’s eyes stung from it as his fur blew back into hurtful ways.
As he finally approached the entrance to the farm, he used his key to open the double door gate into it. In fact, the whole farm was surrounded by a wooden fence around six feet tall. Dro’Hash walked on the familiar stone path that led to the house, where he would rest. Hash’s house was a one floor, two room house which simply was a bedroom and kitchen. Once again Hash used his simple key to open the door, and found a stool to rest upon. The khajiit was now very tired, but excited at the same time. The gold kanet he grew was behind the house, protected from the wind by the imperial style house. In fact, it was a miracle that he was able to grow gold kanet in this Province, it did not grow naturally. This made it ridiculously hard to find and priced, one of the better reasons to grow it yourself. Dro’Hash finally got up, picked up a piece of yarn and went back outside into the wretched weather and walked around to the back of his house. He then examined the little patch of gold kanet for nice, fresh, bushy ones. Out of the thirty or so productive plants, he chose six and used the string to tie them into a bundle. Then, the khajiit painstaking put them in his leather pouch so the wind would not destroy them and so the petals would not come off as he walked. Hash used the same route as before, and returned to his bookshop. As soon as he walked in, he used on of his gray pitcher to hold the flowers before he took a nap on his comfy bed.

Time passed as the sleepy khajiit awoke in his bed. Hash rolled around his bed in agony of awakening, but suddenly remembered Megashi and quickly dressed himself in his clothes from earlier including the gray shirt. He picked up the bundle of bright gold kanets and headed to where he believed Megashi’s house was. It was no longer raining or windy, in which Hash was grateful for. He would definitely donate some gold to the temple later. It did not take him long to find the gorgeous white house on the end of Corkbulb Street. It was almost identical to his bookshop, but it had more windows and a stone arch around the brown door. He warily approached the door; the khajiit was trembling with nervousness. Dro’Hash kept wondering what should he say and do but it was interrupted. Her gutter had been filled, and at the exact moment he stepped next to the door the one side became loose. A huge burst of water splashed all over him, drenching him and his beautiful flowers in which he took so much time to get. Hash stood there flabbergasted, after all this trouble the gods decided to make him a fool. Megashi opened the door as Hash still stood there in disbelief of his fortune. She simply giggled and looked up at her flimsy gutter.

“You poor thing, come in and dry off,” Megashi said in a sarcastic voice.
“I love the weather today, how about you?” Hash replied sarcastically as he entered her house.

Inside the bottom floor was covered with expensive red rugs and colorful tapestries. A fire was roaring in the fireplace to the right wall of the house, with a silver pot hanging over it. It smelt like deer soup or something of the like, but it was intertwined with Megashi’s lovely scent. Megashi herself was wearing a tight purple shirt and dark blue pants. She led him to a chair near the fire and started moving things around the dining table behind him.
“I’m glad you came, I was starting to get lonely. Those flowers you have are very pretty, are they part of your alchemy experiments?” she questioned.
“Actually they are for you, they are called gold kanets. It is not native to this Province, but I managed to grow a patch behind my farm,” he said as he held his hand out to offer them to her.
“Really? Is it just coincidence I love yellow flowers or are you that good at impressing women? She said as she placed them in a vase above the fireplace.
“Coincidence. So have you been busy today with training? I would guess it would be a good day since there is nothing to do outside,”
“Yeah I have, but I tried to remain free in case you stopped by. Would you like to eat dinner with me? I’m cooking deer soup if you haven’t noticed yet,”
“Sure, that sounds delicious,”
“Great, there will be more then enough. Are you still wet?” she asked.
“Yeah I’m drenched still, want me to go back to my shop and change clothing?”
“Nah, I have some clothes you can wear to save you the trouble” she said as she continued setting the table for two.
After a few more seconds, she came over to Dro’Hash and surprisingly took his robe right off him. She folded it and took it upstairs with her, while he sat naked sitting next to the fire. Hash was nervous; he was sitting there naked because of her. He tried to rationalize that she was simply being nice by getting dry clothes for him, but his conscious could not drain out the hope that she was inspecting him. As Megashi opened and closed drawers above, Hash quickly fixed his hair patches and tried to act normal, which was hard at his awkward position. She returned soon after, with a black robe, blue shirt and a pair of white pants. Hash put the clothing on and began to wander around her house. He noticed stairs leading down into a basement, and the upstairs was just as elegant as downstairs. Megashi did not seem to care what Dro’Hash was doing, she was trying to make this meal perfect. When the soup was finally cooked, Meg called Hash to come eat and they sat down at the square wooden table. They both smiled and whiffed the delectable soup they were about to enjoy. Together.

This post has been edited by Wurlon: Nov 13 2005, 03:44 PM


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stargate525
post Nov 12 2005, 03:56 AM
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It's great. A good start, I'm sucked in. Couple things I noticed though...

QUOTE
Dro’Hash found her extraordinarily attractive, never had he seen just a beautiful woman.

so all the beautiful women he's seen travel in packs? maybe change 'just' to 'such'.\

QUOTE
The female khajiit approached the counter slowly, her tail quickly became perkier and she smiled a bit

I dont' know why, but the sentence after the comma sounds awkward.

QUOTE
she asked in an average female khajiit pitch.

You've been playing her up almost as a godess to this farmer-turned-bookkeeper, and you throw in soemthing like That? Find some flattering adjectives, my friend, for her voice.

QUOTE
“Only the best for you, I’ll sell it to you for sixty gold. That is a lot cheaper then usual, but you are one of the more kind customers,” Dro’Hash insisted

QUOTE
“Thanks. But I have never seen you around this town before, what is your name?”

how can she be one of the more kind customer's if this is the first time she's been in here?

QUOTE
“That would be splendid, in case someone came to rob my store!” Dro’Hash joked while gesturing punches. They laughed together for a bit before Hash continued.

the exclamation mark seems out of place.

QUOTE
As she smoothly exited the store, Hash felt dumbstruck with love and an impulse to see her again.

smoothly seems a bit superfulous, and maybe replace 'dumbstruck with' with 'stunned by'.

QUOTE
As he began to picture her in his head, he drove himself more insane about her;

maybe 'he became more and more crazy for her' at the end of this sentence instead?

QUOTE
Then he locked up the store, heded up to his bed and still continued to ponder about her until he finally fell asleep on top of his pillow. Her image was ubiquitous in his mind.

get rid of 'still', 'continued' works fine by itself. instead of 'Her image was ubiquitus in his mind' at the end, change it to 'her image engraved into his mind.' with this attached to the end of the last sentence with a comma.

Also, you don't always have to indicate the speaker after dialogue, since it's a one-on-one conversation. Sometimes that slows down a story.

Just some grammatics and word choice things, but the story is very good, I look forward to reading more!

This post has been edited by stargate525: Nov 12 2005, 03:57 AM


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Wurlon
post Nov 12 2005, 03:37 PM
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Thanks for taking the time to help me edit, I had to deactivate the wordchecker ect. on word because of all the not-excepted Morrowind terms. But as for dialogues, never really learned much about them and I can never figure out how much space to put between them or to space them at all. Can anyone give me a brief dialogue lesson lol please?

I plan on this story being long, more along the lines of a childish love story instead of my usual super short battles... As I look at the coyoteman I feel very discontent with it's briefness....

I hope Minque reads this, I need female commentary too biggrin.gif

This post has been edited by Wurlon: Nov 12 2005, 03:41 PM


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stargate525
post Nov 12 2005, 04:54 PM
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QUOTE(Wurlon @ Nov 12 2005, 09:37 AM)
Thanks for taking the time to help me edit, I had to deactivate the wordchecker ect. on word because of all the not-excepted Morrowind terms. But as for dialogues, never really learned much about them and I can never figure out how much space to put between them or to space them at all. Can anyone give me a brief dialogue lesson lol please?

I plan on this story being long, more along the lines of a childish love story instead of my usual super short battles... As I look at the coyoteman I feel very discontent with it's briefness....

I hope Minque reads this, I need female commentary too biggrin.gif
*


very well then;

Welcome to Dialouge 101.

First rule, unless it is the same person speaking, speech ALWAYS starts a new paragraph.

Only note the speaker or the type of speech when necessary, so maybe only once or twice in that whole conversation.

Quite a few grammer rules do not apply with dialouge, such as starting sentences with conjunctions, splitting infinititives, things like that.

Everything else you pretty much had down.


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Wurlon
post Nov 13 2005, 02:45 AM
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QUOTE(stargate525 @ Nov 12 2005, 10:54 AM)
very well then;

Welcome to Dialouge 101.

First rule, unless it is the same person speaking, speech ALWAYS starts a new paragraph.

Only note the speaker or the type of speech when necessary, so maybe only once or twice in that whole conversation.

Quite a few grammer rules do not apply with dialouge, such as starting sentences with conjunctions, splitting infinititives, things like that.

Everything else you pretty much had down.
*


So is there anything that I should change that I already haven't?


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stargate525
post Nov 13 2005, 02:52 AM
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QUOTE(Wurlon @ Nov 12 2005, 08:45 PM)
So is there anything that I should change that I already haven't?
*


not that I can see. Very good.


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Wurlon
post Nov 13 2005, 06:07 AM
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QUOTE(stargate525 @ Nov 12 2005, 08:52 PM)
not that I can see. Very good.
*



That's great for now, because I just posted chapter 2. I have to admit chapter 2 may need some more content editing then mechanical, as it is rather boring. But then again it all leads up to a climax... like every story right? ehehe.

Stargate needs an "Honorary Editor First Class" award, not only will he edit things you submit but he is helpful before that point!

When this book is finished, you should be officially the editor biggrin.gif

This post has been edited by Wurlon: Nov 13 2005, 06:28 AM


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stargate525
post Nov 13 2005, 06:52 AM
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QUOTE(Wurlon @ Nov 13 2005, 12:07 AM)
That's great for now, because I just posted chapter 2. I have to admit chapter 2 may need some more content editing then mechanical, as it is rather boring. But then again it all leads up to a climax... like every story right? ehehe.

Stargate needs an "Honorary Editor First Class" award, not only will he edit things you submit but he is helpful before that point!

When this book is finished, you should be officially the editor biggrin.gif
*


oh it's so shiny... *puts award on mantle*


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Doomed4Eternity
post Nov 13 2005, 10:57 AM
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hey sorry worlon im not that bueatiful woman you speak of but i hope this helps you and your story and maybe you can help me with my lore book the title to topic is... is 3 a magic number?... or something like that

QUOTE(Wurlon @ Nov 12 2005, 01:23 AM)

never had he seen such a beautiful woman.
*



Correction!

it should be never had he seen such a beautiful female khajiit

as there is no word of woman between any non-human race in the elderscrolls if i am correct???

This post has been edited by Doomed4Eternity: Nov 13 2005, 11:00 AM
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Doomed4Eternity
post Nov 13 2005, 11:03 AM
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yes i think you should put it along with all the other awards uhum

lol

as you are a great and helpful editor/commentor

oh and heres another award from me this time only this is what it is,

the...

lore about blades

award

hehe thx star
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stargate525
post Nov 13 2005, 03:16 PM
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QUOTE(Doomed4Eternity @ Nov 13 2005, 04:57 AM)
it should be never had he seen such a beautiful female khajiit

as there is no word of woman between any non-human race in the elderscrolls if i am correct???
*


it should be woman, as khajiit and argonaian males are 'men'


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Wurlon
post Nov 13 2005, 03:45 PM
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QUOTE(stargate525 @ Nov 13 2005, 09:16 AM)
it should be woman, as khajiit and argonaian males are 'men'
*


Stargate you lose!
*takes award away*


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stargate525
post Nov 13 2005, 08:22 PM
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QUOTE(Wurlon @ Nov 13 2005, 09:45 AM)
Stargate you lose!
*takes award away*
*


what do ya mean I lose? I was defending your position, because you were right.


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Wurlon
post Nov 14 2005, 02:50 AM
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QUOTE(stargate525 @ Nov 13 2005, 02:22 PM)
what do ya mean I lose? I was defending your position, because you were right.
*



I guess I should have never burnt the award..... joking

*gives award back*

but female khajiit does sound better,


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minque
post Nov 19 2005, 12:23 AM
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QUOTE
I hope Minque reads this, I need female commentary too


Ok, thanks for the confidence...I´ll read it, this weekend! You´ll get my comments..if there are any!



To Doomed4eternity: Pleeease do NOT double-post.....use the edit-button instead!


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Doomed4Eternity
post Jan 11 2006, 09:31 PM
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QUOTE(minque @ Nov 18 2005, 11:23 PM)
To Doomed4eternity: Pleeease do NOT double-post.....use the edit-button instead!
*



sry lovely oops! i didt mean to double post!

This post has been edited by Doomed4Eternity: Jan 11 2006, 09:32 PM
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