Printable Version of Topic

Click here to view this topic in its original format _ Short story competition _ Lady of the Night

Posted by: Alexander Mar 23 2008, 01:10 PM

Chapter One

Like all good stories worth mentioning, this one to is about a woman. A woman who betrayed her kind, her race, and even her family. She did not do it for love or fame. It was not gold or jewelry that made her do it either. It was fear. Fear of death, and the darkness that comes with it.
The long nights dominated the months during the sign of The Shadow, when the moon overtook the skies, and the fog was layered thick, and the air cold; when all you could hear was the wind and the sound of wolves howling in the distance, waiting to feast on unsuspecting travelers caught outside the safety and warmth of an inn. But the wolves were not the only predators around. Even they cowered and whimpered when the masters of the night approached. For the vampire has only but a few enemies, especially at night. Especially when not alone since traveling in groups. The vampires were slowly organizing; only no one was noticing. No one was paying attention.

Chapter Two – Desma’s Chambers

“Princess Desma, the night is getting cold. Perhaps it is time to turn in. Besides my lady, today is a blood moon. Evil roams about. The safety of your chamber would be a much more appropriate place compared to this terrace.”
“What is the point Vengola? My fate is sealed. I am but a lost maiden in a lost time. My time is short, my fair maid. If you do not mind, I would much enjoy a moment to myself. Take the rest of the night off. Worry about me in the morning, for now, I’ll manage just fine.”
“My lady?”
“I can find my own way to bed, thank you very much; besides, I want a few more minutes of this clean, crisp, mountain air. I love my family, but today is my birthday. At least an insincere attempt at my happiness would have been nice. Just go Vengola; I’ll be all right. Just need some time alone.”
“Humbly, my lady. I’ll retreat to my chambers now.”

Chapter Three –Desma’s Chambers

A gust of wind extinguished the two candles on the windowsill. The two other candles on top of the nightstand next to the bed flickered wildly, but managed to stay lit. In an attempt to let his presence be known so the Princess would be less frightened, Exantrius forced himself to make enough noise; his plan worked. The frightened girl finally noticed him.
“Who are you?” said the Princess in a timid, trembling whisper.
“My name is Exantrius; I am a vampire.”
“Help!” shouted the Princess as she fled for the door, but in a blink of an eye Exantrius moved in front of the doorway blocking the Princess’ path.
“Tell me, my lady” continued Exantrius “what can I take from you that your illness hasn’t already? Is it days? Months? Maybe a year? I can get better blood from a horse in the stables or even a rat. Don’t worry. I’m not here to hurt you.” As Exantrius finished his speech he moved out of the doorway unblocking the path. There was now more distance between the Princess and Exantrius than between the Princess and the door, but the Princess was eyeing Exantrius and not her passage to safety.
“You’re a smart woman, my lady. But I must warn you, the immortality that I can offer is not free.”
“Nothing is free. But as you said, I have days, months, maybe a year perhaps. So what do you want?”
“I want the same thing you want but on a grander scale. However, my time here is running short. I feel the guards approaching. You are the key. You deserve to know the truth. If you want to grasp your destiny meet me in the Royal Gardens after midnight. Come alone or I’ll vanish and so will your last chance to everlasting life.” Just as silently as he appeared, Exantrius vanished into thin air without a trace. The encounter was very random and so sudden that Princess Desma questioned its reality. But her illness was real, and if there was anything, regardless how insane, that might save her life, Princess Desma was willing to try it.

Chapter Four – The Gardens

“I was wondering when you were going to reveal yourself Exantrius; I assume you had to make sure that I could be trusted. So how old are you really?”
“After a few hundred years time starts becoming irrelevant. If I had to guess, I’m at least four hundred years old.
“So enough small chatter. You have a job for me. What is it?
“I want the crystal of Count Hassildor of Skingrad. The Hassildor family has ruled the area around of Skingrad for over five hundred years before the good Count could not keep his unearthly yearnings at bay. Those dark months were the fall of the oldest vampire house, House Hassildor, but the legend and the crystal was somehow saved. It was the Civil War in Skingrad that overthrew the Hassildors; that’s how your family came to power as well. But the crystal was never found so it just remained a legend.”
“So what exactly is the legend of the crystal?’ asked Princess Desma.
“Humans believe the crystal can give vampires the power of daytime. According to their legends, a vampire had the crystal over 1000 years back, and that day-walker devastated the lands for over 500 years before he mysteriously vanished. Vampires on the other hand, know better. For the most part, the crystal is worthless. Embedded in its molecules is a map. That map’s destination is the key to vampires and daylight.”
“So why not get the crystal yourself? You invaded my chambers, you know more about it then me, why do you want my help?”
“Because my fair Princess, while only a vampire can read the map, no vampire can read the map.”
“Talking in riddles does not help the situation much.”
“Well you see Princess Desma of the House Marrat, no vampire can look at the crystal and survive. The way it was crafted, one must place the crystal between their eye and the sun. The rays reflecting through the crystal reveal the location of the Well of Eternal Life. So you see, the map must be read in daylight only. Something our kind has been having some problems with, and here’s where you come in.” As soon as Exantrius finished saying that sentence, swift like the wind, he flew across to Princess Desma and bit her.
“Vampire DNA is another prerequisite when it comes to reading the crystal. You have three days at the most to complete the quest. After the third day you will die if you look at the crystal during the hours of the sun.”
“How will I find you when I have the crystal?” shouted the desperate Princess.
“By then, the vampire senses should be taking over. Let instinct dictate your actions.” And once again, as swiftly as he appeared, Exantrius was gone.

Chapter Five – Unknown location – vampire meeting hall

“Do you think your actions wise, Exantrius?” asked one of the elder vampires.
“Do you think ignoring the scrolls and the prophecy wise?” retorted Exantrius.
“The question is whether she can succeed or not. If she does, the first steps to restoring our legacy have been taken. If she fails, the crystal could be lost forever. Since Exantrius took it upon himself to dictate the time of the prophecy, we are now stuck to the path. For his sake as well as ours, I hope he’s made the right choice.” shouted the head vampire. “Nothing to do now but wait. Exantrius! I need to see you, now!”

Chapter Six – Head vampire’s private chambers

“I know what ….”
“Be quiet!” interrupted Lord Ranzor. “The time to act is now, but you weren’t supposed to have been the one to approach her.”
“Her family slaughtered my family. Her grandfather first, now her father is sitting on my throne; on my birthright! For over one hundred years I’ve dreamed about this day. Skingrad will be in Hassildor hands again.” With a grin on his face, Exantrius started walking towards the door.
“Where are you going? questioned Lord Ranzor.
“Out to dinner. Today was an early sunset. I love winter months!”
“If she finds out that you’re the last Hassildor and that you’ve been playing her since birth, she’s going to be mighty angry. Be careful with your revenge Exantrius. Don’t let it become more important than the prophecy.”
“For twenty-two years I’ve been feasting on rodents so every night I can insert some of that dirty blood in her veins and give her the symptoms of her illness. If I just wanted revenge I would have slaughtered them all in their sleep. Remember, I’m the last pure, one hundred percent vampire left alive. That crystal has been my legacy; it was created by the first day-walker, a Hassildor. So don’t tell me about honor, respect or duty! I’m hungry. I have to go.”

Chapter Seven – Cave on the outskirts of Skingrad

“Well, well, well! If it isn’t our new vampire Princess returning form her mission. So how did it go?”
“Something led me to this place. I’m so hungry. I need food. I must get food. Help me Exantrius!”
“Did you succeed? Do you know where it is?”
“YES!!!” shouted Princess Desma.
“Well, I have a surprise for you; a true feast. I have three snacks for you; you get to pick. Tied up in the corner up there is a Wood Elf. I look at them as desert; not much blood but very tasty. The knocked out Nord is probably a good filling meal, as for the squirming Argonian, he was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Their blood is terrible. But hurry up and eat for we have a long journey ahead of us. These parts are not safe for our kind for a while. But we shall return here one day.”
“I think I want the elf.”
“Bon appetite, my Princess. Feed well, feed well.”
“Tell me of the Well of Eternal Life. Please Exantrius.”
“Eat and rest for now. We’ll have plenty of time to talk during our journey.”

Posted by: Alexander Mar 23 2008, 01:11 PM

As always, this will be reopened after the closing date.

Please remember, don't post as yourself but login to the guest or guest2 account, password = chorrol

Posted by: guest Mar 24 2008, 11:46 AM

Poor word choice in places I agree however the overall concept was a sound one.

But use the word said! When characters question, shout, interupt or, god forbid, retort all the readers attention is drawn from the story into the words and a slight cringe. Said is ok, it is one of those words that can be repeated because readers don't see it. Look in a professional book, characters often 'say' and rarely 'retort'.

Another comment on the dialouge (which was the main weakness) is that your characters seem to shout a lot. I'm not sure what this achieves. There isn't enough build up or explaination for it to be expected so it doesn't make the characters seem any more angry, just hard of hearing. Also try shouting some of the things they do, the sentences don't feel like they would be shouted.

Apart from these weaknesses the concept was good, maybe a little more time spent on the damage it would do to mortals would have been good but its not strictly nessessary. I enjoyed reading this piece and think with a bit of reworking it could be sound.

Posted by: guest2 Mar 24 2008, 06:11 PM


This piece, while it has a good, classical premise (ancient artifact, important to story's protagonists, main character in a difficult dilemma, multiple plots weaving around) also has lots of weaknesses. The 2000-word count limit is too short for Chapter system or such a large number of plots at once. Some events are described in too few words (again, word limit is the drawback here). And, AGAIN, because of its shortness story ends abruptly. I hope this gets some SERIOUS polishing by its author and becomes a part of a larger, more developed story with a better structure.

I've had other things on my mind, but vampire DNA just blew it away. Sorry.

Posted by: guest Mar 24 2008, 06:41 PM

The first paragraph telling you what the story is about isn't needed and ruins the mood of the piece.

Why break this into chapters? It doesn't help at all and makes the story longer to read – these interruptions break up the text in an unhelpful way.

I like the premise, that only a half vampire can read the crystal during the day to find eternal life. It sounds like one of those riddles that make things almost impossible to achieve – like for a selfish person to reach heaven, they must sacrifice themselves for others, something that a selfish person wouldn't do.

Way too much talk and not enough action. Description would have been nice instead of lots of explanations in dialogue. It gets tired and difficult to know who is speaking because we don't know what they look like.

Nice twist – that this vampire is the one who has been making her ill in the first place.

This should have been much longer, because it just stops where the story really begins. There could be a lot more to this and I'm disappointed to only get the dialogue and little else.

Plus, we should have been able to read what the Princess did to find the map, because she could have betrayed him and told him lies about where to find eternal life. A wasted opportunity for a better story. To sum up, interesting premise but no description and too much dialogue, half a story. 7th place for me.

Posted by: guest Mar 24 2008, 06:49 PM

Indeed, this functions more as a teaser than a full story. An intriguing teaser--at least two characters with decent foundations, outlines of an epic story--but as a story it is incomplete, not fleshed out. (This is, of course, the great challenge of short works)

Posted by: guest2 Mar 25 2008, 12:08 AM

As with many of the others' comments. I felt like the Chapter format for the story didn't suit this piece of work. It also resulted in a piece that jumps around a lot.

I would have to disagree with others' comments about the dialog though. For the most part I thought the dark and delicate choice of words were well used. Personally I've always been a fan of well used dialog.

Also the fact that this just seems to be a portion of a potentially larger story hurts it's validity in the contest in my eyes. You set up an excellent premise but I feel that a short story should have an actual ending, it shouldn't insinuate that there will be more written involving this plot like this one does.

Powered by Invision Power Board (
© Invision Power Services (