Her Frozen Faith, The story of Edina Arudille Options

[Rihanae]

HEY ALL!!

This is the story of Edina, Lissa's newest companion as she proceeds through the Arcane University.

This is more of a reference for me to write the story of Lissa's newest companion, but I also hope you guys enjoy her story.

Enjoy!

0. Prologue

I don't know how it happened. It wasn't what I intended. I remember standing, frozen, in the result of the unwitting destruction i had caused; a result of the power I never even knew I had within me.

I stared at the house of which of which my life had suddenly changed, silent and suddenly alone. A tear slowly rolled down my cheek. the air grew cold, dangerous and ferocious. I had no idea what I was going to do.

The guilt over what I had down overwhelmed me to the point that it hurt to even breathe.

I looked down at my hands. what were once so kind and gentle were now the cause of a catastrophe.

What am I? I thought. I didn't feel human. I didn't feel anything other than utter sorrow.

I slowly approached the house, hoping the events that occurred hours before were nothing but a dream.

I slowly opened the door, feeling a sudden chill of dread as I turned the door knob. Had any body survived? I couldn't be sure. Hoping was futile, anyway.

I entered the house, immediately welcomed by the realisation that what had happened, had happened. Nothing but white and blue surrounding the house, cold and wet. I looked that the people engulfed in crystallised prisons, approaching one of them.

The woman I saw seemed so terrified, her hand outstretched and a permanent scream etched onto her face; locked for eternity. I stroked her face, my shallow breaths suddenly turning into frantic sobs.

I collapsed onto the ground, cradling my ensure body around her stable legs.

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."

This post has been edited by Rihanae: Apr 28 2014, 06:37 PM

[SubRosa]

Poor Edina! Cursed and blessed with abilities that she cannot control. Not as of yet at least. I am sure she will take what happened in that house to her grave.

We can also see that she needs to go to the University to learn to control her magic. For her it is not just a matter of wanting to improve, or learn a craft. For her it is a necessity.

There were some nits. A repetition early in the story, and another thing. But I am on my tablet, which makes it difficult to go through all the copying and pasting. So I will leave it to Acadian, or wait until I get to my home comp.

[Acadian]

I’m so pleased to see this, and delighted that it ties in with Lissa’s fabulous story.

A poignant and mysterious beginning here, but we clearly gain insight into the vast untapped power of ice that Edina wields. We also see she harbors deep regrets and empathy for those frozen in that house, as she ponders, ‘What am I?’

I wonder what happened causing Edina to unleash her power?

Nits: Don’t get discouraged by these. You are a very good writer – I hope that my avid support of Lissa’s story demonstrates that. SubRosa and I mention nits to help you become even better. And we all can become better.

‘...the result of the unwitting destruction i had caused;’ –- Capitalize ‘I’.

‘I stared at the house of which of which my life...’ –- ‘of which’ twice in a row.

‘I collapsed onto the ground, cradling my ensure body around her stable legs.’ - - Review the use of ‘ensure’. I suspect you wanted ‘unsure’?

In general, watch out for repetition in your sentence structure. What really triggered the comment here was two paragraphs in a row that both began, ‘I slowly....’ When one looks closer though, the majority of your paragraphs begin with I. While heavy use of I comes with the wonderful territory of writing first person, I’d recommend you experiment with varying sentence structure to help compensate. I’m talking as simple as ‘I tentatively approached the house. Slowly, I opened the door.’

[McBadgere]

I like that!!...Nice intro!!!...

Looking forward to seeing how this plays out...

I can see what Acadian means with the "I *action*" sentences, it's no biggie, it's just rearranging/rewording the sentences so as to avoid the repetition is all...

Excellent job!...

Nice one!!...

*Applauds heartily*...