Snow Day: Intro. Options

[CMX]

Solstheim. 2000, at Thormoore's Watch.

Night fall arrived, as the frigid water sloshed from side to side of canoe. It has been a week since i had last drank, and by the nine it's cold. No amount of gold or alcohol could have forced me to conduct this operation. I, as a former employee and friend of the Dark Brotherhood; My presence was....unfortunately required.

The canoe closed the distance to the snow-capped shore. I dropped the anchor i had rigged from the fish bones i had collected over my trek; and departed from the canoe to the shore. Toting my bow in my right hand, i casually trotted up the rocks, onto the mainland of the area. "Thormoore's watch, if I'm not mistaken." i muttered to my self.

Snapping my head to the left, i raised and readied my bow and arrow. Through the almost consistent snowfall, a figure of a man holding up a small lantern slowly shaped together, as he closed the distance. "Oy! Is there anyone there!?" the figure shouted to me. With a bit of hesitation, i closed in on him, as the snow compacted onto my enchanted cloak. "Just a lost hunter, is all!" I shouted back.

With my bow still sighted in on the man, my fur cloak began to take the shade of snow. My bow even started to fade into the snowstorm. "Where are ya, hunter? Follow my light to shelter!" he shouted again. Soon, the only things that were visible on my person was my lightly pressed foot prints. I tracked and trailed the man, who appeared as a nord, with a good 10 meters of distance between us. Knowing that these nords still on this island tend to have sensitive sense, my arrowhead was always sighted on his legs. I somewhat prayed that he'd run in my direction. It's been a while since ive been sent anywhere to extract an object, all while making contact with no one.

Following the man's large footsteps left me with a trail pointing to a well crafted cabin. The sound and smells brought me to the conclusion that there was at least a family, maybe even children present. Taking no chances, i halted short of the house, watching the man hang his lantern upon his front porch. A large, but beautiful woman greeted the man at the door with a kiss, as they both entered their cabin. "Children....maybe dogs." I murmured to my self. Circling around the perimeter of the house, i cut behind the cabin, in hopes of taking out any guard wolfs. The mumbles and grumbles in the cabin, and the snowed-in pet houses verified my suspicions.

I backed up a few meters away from the large cabin, as i removed my more cumbersome equipment. Stripping down to just my old brotherhood armor, I shoved the rest of my gear into an old owl nest, nestled into the side of a tree. "Just this one, and I swear i'm done." I said, followed by a steadying swig from a bottle labeled: 'Nerve Medicine.' Pulling up his hood and mask, he took a readied stance, with blade in hand.

-Please critique, i know i have horrible spelling and punctuation. Will revise second act after i get back from my niece's bday party. And yes, i havent disclosed my character's age, race, and overall personal discription. ^.^

This post has been edited by CMX: Aug 9 2011, 05:55 PM

[CMX]

Solstheim, 2300, Thormoore's Watch. Outside cabin.

The snow collected on my mask, as i shook my head. I held the blade by the grip, with my free hand upon the pommel. I moved through the snowstorm, as i hugged the wall; listening to the insides of the cabin. "Freya, it's almost sunset. Tend to the children, and I'll close up for the evening." I raise my blade to catch an interior reflection, as i spot a wildly haired nord, towering over his much smaller wife. The two shared the same taste in clothing, as they both donned bear skin, drapped over leather hide. The small woman laid a kiss upon her husband, as they pulled away; frost expelling from the two's lips.

My eyes were fixed on the man, as i spotted him turning towards his front door. I had my blade trail behind me, as i crept into the kitchen. The steps of the woman could be heard, as I kept her pace, slowly creeping to the man. I pass the kitchen table, as i glance at my secondary objective. A chandelier lined with 5 hand crafted ebony blades, encircling a glimmering stalrihm blade.

My eyes were fixed long enough for me to intercept the house' guard dog; which turned out to be nothing more than a curious wolf-pup. He flopped his tail side to side to play, as he began to pant. 'Damn!' I thought. Why did i forget the pet!? Without a break in my prowl, i took a knee beside the rather large dining table, snagging a peice of meat onto my blade. "Here buddy......there you go. Meat.....You like meat?" I muttered to the pup, waving the slab of meat. To my surpise, he waddle off, snack in hand. My hands trembled, as i stood back up, watching the man adjust the locks upon the door. I could almost feel his breath pattern. I was behind him. Then he spoke, in the most softest voice a nord could produce.

"I was waiting for you. My Family is upstairs. Wont you kill me outside? I wouldnt want to disturb them." The man said, still facing the door. "Just.....quietly take the blade, then meet me outside." And then he departed outside. I was at a loss of words. The training in me told me to kill everyone, then exfiltrate. But i felt a sense of truth to his words. I could just kill him outside, and make it like he never made it back. No hassle, no thought, no emotion. Maybe it was the lack of drink, or the lack of natural sunlight. But i did as he told. I silently secured the blade from the chandelier, and followed suit. I was going to get this job done.

[CMX]

Solstheim, 0130. Thormoore's Watch. 2.5 KM from exfiltration point.

The storm was as strong as ever, as i lugged the finely crafted blade to where stashed my gear. "I'll cloak up, kill him like a dog, and head to the boat. Simple.....yeah, simple." I said to my self. It almost felt like a trudge as i stomped to my dead drop zone. Placing the blade by the tree, i could feel my hands start to tremble again. 'F--k, F--k, F--k!' Thought to my self.

My nerves were shot from my last mission. The psychological operations department of the brotherhood told me the overexertion from it, and even the situation led to me attating symptoms of 'Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder' and Severe anxiety and depression. I felt that the director of Psy-Op only told me this because of the untimely order of operation in which i performed and completed my mission.

It wasnt my choice to kill the target, his wife and children. But...they defied me. I would have stayed in my bed silently even if i knew my father was going to die. I wouldnt fight. Not for honor. Screw them, and the director.

Shaking it off, i threw the cloak over my self; Immersing my self into the snowy backdrop. Now i felt safe. Now i felt gone. Clutching the cold Stalrihm blade under the coat, i crunched back to the cabin's frontside, and proceded to follow the now faint trail of the Target. He is a target. Not a person. Im damn sure.

I came to the shore, as a silhouette of a man formed together. I can cut him from shoulder to hip, search his pockets, and exfiltrate. Thats the plan. I....I'm certain.

I was a ghost with the way i stepped towards him. I wanted to run through him, and straight to my canoe. The snow must be freezing my judgement. And im sure i didnt bring my lip balm.

Now at a dash, I struck with an upward slash, as i crushed through the man. Correct me if I am wrong, consiousness; But with a double edged Stalrihm blade versus a man, it should feel like a slicing motion. Running through, I quickly circled around the target; inspecting the body. No blood, just alot of snow and a broken bear and leather hide armor lay sprawled across the snow. And then it hit me, and he hit me hard. I should have stolen a sip of mead before i trekked out here.

[CMX]

Solstheim, 0445. Thormoore's Watch. ?.??km from exfiltration point.

He lifted me up with his surprise 'Uppercut'. I was almost right about where he was at, but he had the drop on me. The strike was so fierce; that my enchantment from my cloak faded.

And another strike. I cant see him. It's just his fist, but the snowstorm is masking him. My nose is freezing. Crunching snow behind me. I raised the blade up, striking with a backwards thrust. I almost went down with the honoured user.

Looking down over him, he didnt seem like a war criminal. He looked like a nord, if not a father. Then again, I'm not paid by the hour, or to sympathize for a contract. I just listen to what is whispered to me. It made my eyes twitch in irritation looking at a normal man. This life, i know i follow, so that my own would never have to.

I clutched the blade, just as much as i held the man beneath my sword. "The Night Mother sends her regards." I breathed from my mask. The man smirked, as he spat up at me. Then he spoke. He spoke words i couldn't comprehend. Such strong, profound words; that didnt even make any sense. They were loud, as I was thrown back. I felt the blade slide through him. I know i had him down. It seemed like the skills and strength of those mythic nord 'Tongues'.

[mALX]

Your posting schedule is too fast for me to ever be able to keep up with the story, but just wanted to say - AWESOME Write !!! You show a great knack for setting a scene and mood !!!

[CMX]

Thanks for the praise, mALX! This is my first fan fic. Im sorry about the messed up story tempo. My burst of writing inspiration has been kinda messed up. Good background though, right? Who didnt like solstheim? ^.^

[Destri Melarg]

Hi CMX. Don’t get too discouraged with the lack of comments at first. There are so many good stories on this board that sometimes it takes us a while to get to a new one. If you keep at it your readers will eventually come. I agree with mALX in that you need to slow your posting schedule a bit to give us a chance to catch up. Once to twice a week seems to be the standard for an ongoing story.

Now onto the story:

You asked for a critique so I shall try to give you a fair one. Please understand that this is only to point out those things which could be improved, and is not meant to be disparaging. I won’t comment on spelling or punctuation (well, not much at least) because there are those that do it better. My comments will be confined to word choice and/or matters of story. I will also only critique the first post for the sake of brevity.

Solstheim. 2000, at Thormoore's Watch.

First, the use of military time in a story set in the Elder Scrolls universe can be accepted if we can recognize it right away. I would suggest putting ‘hrs’ after 2000 in order to avoid confusion.

Night fall arrived, as the frigid water sloshed from side to side of canoe. It has been a week since i had last drank, and by the nine it's cold. No amount of gold or alcohol could have forced me to conduct this operation. I, as a former employee and friend of the Dark Brotherhood; My presence was....unfortunately required.

You have a good opening. You establish the mood of the story in just a few short sentences. Be careful not to switch past and present tense within the same sentence (has, had), also the Nine insist upon capitalization. You really don’t want Julianos mad at you!

Snapping my head to the left, i raised and readied my bow and arrow. Through the almost consistent snowfall a figure of a man holding up a small lantern slowly shaped together as he closed the distance. "Oy! Is there anyone there!?" the figure shouted to me. With a bit of hesitation i closed in on him as the snow compacted onto my enchanted cloak. "Just a lost hunter, is all!" I shouted back.

Here’s my one piece of punctuation advice. Commas are like ice cream cones. They are comforting and they taste good, but too many will make your writing fat. In the above paragraph I have omitted the unnecessary commas to make it a smoother read. You should also be aware that 'and arrow' is a bit of a redundancy after saying that he 'readied his bow' (but it's not that big a deal). The phrase ‘almost consistent’ is an oxymoron, sort of like ‘wireless cable’ or ‘jumbo shrimp’. It is the combining of contradictory terms or ideas. And it is easier to follow conversations when they are broken into separate paragraphs, like so:

“Oy! Is anyone out there!?” the figure shouted to me.

“Just a lost hunter is all!” I shouted back.

I backed up a few meters away from the large cabin, as i removed my more cumbersome equipment. Stripping down to just my old brotherhood armor, I shoved the rest of my gear into an old owl nest, nestled into the side of a tree. "Just this one, and I swear i'm done." I said, followed by a steadying swig from a bottle labeled: 'Nerve Medicine.' Pulling up his hood and mask, he took a readied stance, with blade in hand.

Finally, in the last sentence, you exchange ‘I’ and 'my' for ‘he’ and 'his.' Remember to be consistent with your POV. Since your main character has been narrating the entire segment, switching to ‘he’ at the end makes it seem as if it is the Nord who pulled up his hood and took a readied stance.

As first fanfics go, this isn’t bad. There are just a few tweaks necessary that are easily addressed through rewriting. Keep it up and you will see your writing improve. I also recommend that you read the other writers on this board and learn from their stories. Acadian, Black Hand, Captain Hammer, Cardboard Box, Grits, haute ecole rider, Helena, Jackie Dice, Kazaera, mALX, minqué, old andy, Olen, SubRosa, Thomas Kaira, and treydog all have good stories up right now. I also suggest reading Zalphon to see the work of someone who has made massive strides as a writer.

[CMX]

Thank you very much, Destri! Im pretty complacent with my computer and punctuation. But I swear I'll break the habit!