The Journal of an Elven Archer Options

[Riften]

I have completely revamped my character Riften.

I'd like to think of Riften as a Tamrielic version of Jack Sparrow, at least in personality.
He is a very charming Altmeri who is obsessed with the bow but he also is amazingly skilled in the arcane arts but doesn't tend to reveal his powers to people, he would only show his powers to his dearest of friends.

He is in love with lush forests, flowing waterfalls and deep lakes. He is a great Alchemist who collects a variety of ingredients from wherever he can find them. He can also make the deadliest of poisons for his arrows and the healthiest of potions for when he is in need.

Back in his younger days in Summerset Isles, he was fascinated by anything to do with Daedra, whether it be magic, Princes, Oblivion. Just before he left to start a new life in Cyrodill, he was studying the gates of Oblivion and how to open and shut them.

He is never racist in anyway he generally is easy to befriend but if you do anything to his friends, he would probably pierce an arrow through your heart, literally.

He has also studied a lot about Cyrodill and the people there, He has heard about an Archery Tournament where Cyrodills best archers gather all round. He has heard a lot about the winners of the tourney, some of which live in the town of Bravil which he is eager to visit and meet the winners.

I'll be posting Chapter 1 tomorrow then I will stick to my old timetable and update the Journal on Mon | Wed | Thu

This post has been edited by Riften: Nov 3 2011, 04:08 PM

[Acadian]

How exciting to do a reload on Riften! This will give you an opportunity to apply some of what you have learned to a fresh start. I'm looking forward to it!

[Riften]

How exciting to do a reload on Riften! This will give you an opportunity to apply some of what you have learned to a fresh start. I'm looking forward to it!

That's exactly what I was intending to do
I'm going to spend more time on my writing and polish it up.

I am also eagerly awaiting Dame Buffy's journal update

[Riften]

Chapter 1 - Aboard The Dominion

In this chapter the witty Riften is dragged aboard the Thalmors pride and joy "The Dominion"
And make a deal with the good Captain.

The shadowy clothed men hustled me ahead to the boat, long flowing sails thrashed in the wind, the bustling crewmen preparing to set sail. The men shuffled me across a sturdy wooding bridge leading to the luxurious ship which was layered with solid shining gold handles and the primary was a deep sea blue. You could tell that these guys meant business.

The crew stared at me from a distance as the men dragged me into what seemed like the Captains quarters.
A double bed with the most beautiful silk material and rich furniture with a gigantic round table fulled to the brim with Tamika, Mutton, Vension.... you name it.

They sat me down at the same table the Captain was sitting.

"You two! leave! me and our little friend here is going to have a talk"

The two men departed the room and the captain gazed at me with his pure green eyes.

"We know who you are...but you don't know who I am do you?"

Before I could even start to talk he interrupted me.

"Let me introduce myself...The name is General Fainde"

"I am the General of the Aldmeri Dominion or in other words, Thalmor. I am also Captain of this ship which I'm sure you already know."

"Well....Mr.Fainder...was it? Is there any particular reason your crew bust my front door open and dragged all the way to this bloody ship?!"

He chuckled at me and his face led a faint smile then that smile slowly faded into a frown and sneered at me.

"My king has taken notice of your talents and told me to take you here so It wasn't my fault, I had nothing to do with it so hold your tongue boy or I'll have it taken out!"

"Look, your going to become one of our agents whether you like it or not. You can go about it the simple way and we will give you a bed to sleep on or you can go about it the complicated way to which we will torture you until you have nothing left but to join us"

"If you still refuse to join us.....well, we will behead you and launch your body overboard!"

"Fine, I'll join under two conditions. One, you drop me off at Cyrodill. Two, You must give me complimentary equipment If I'm going to be one of your so called "Agents"

Please, as much feedback as you guys can. Tell me how it compares to my old thread.

This post has been edited by Riften: Nov 3 2011, 02:13 PM

[Acadian]

You really have the right idea by introducing Riften to us by showing him to us in an action scene with dialogue. You seem willing to take your time gradually showing us who he is and that is a good thing. So, right off, we have some tension, an abduction and a deal involving service and passage. This is off to a nice start!

You are making great progress at trying to provide rich descriptions and are certainly on the right track as you lavish some attention on the ship and its captain.

Although your story and ideas are sound, you are still letting slip some small errors. These continue to include primarily complex sentences held together by commas, incorrect capitalization and the odd misspelled word. In this episode, you also went rather overboard with ellipses (that series of three dots . . . or four if it ends the sentence).

This post has been edited by Acadian: Nov 3 2011, 12:17 PM

[Riften]

@Acadian - Thanks! I have done a little edit there and took out some commas and fixed it up.

PS:The November screenshot gave me a right chuckle!

[McBadgere]

Excellent story...Looking forward to seeing how it develops...

You ask about comparing it to the other one...Well, it's different... ...

One of the things about the other one I thought was cool, was the idea that he'd been a different race each time he came back...Loved that idea...

Oh, many other peoples more qualified to grade punctuation and all that...But one thing I noticed is this...In a previous life I had to go on a course to teach you how to deal with members of the public, and one thing they had us do is introduce ourselves...And one chap said "I'm Mister Summaty-Summat..."...Apparently you never introduce yourself with your title...So when you say...

The name is General Fainde...

"I am the General of the Aldmeri Dominion...

It should be -

The name is Fainde, I am the General of the Aldmeri Dominion

And wouldn't that be A General?...Surely they'd have more than one?...

Otherwise...Fantastic start...

Nice one... ...

[Riften]

Excellent story...Looking forward to seeing how it develops...

You ask about comparing it to the other one...Well, it's different... ...

One of the things about the other one I thought was cool, was the idea that he'd been a different race each time he came back...Loved that idea...

Oh, many other peoples more qualified to grade punctuation and all that...But one thing I noticed is this...In a previous life I had to go on a course to teach you how to deal with members of the public, and one thing they had us do is introduce ourselves...And one chap said "I'm Mister Summaty-Summat..."...Apparently you never introduce yourself with your title...So when you say...

The name is General Fainde...

"I am the General of the Aldmeri Dominion...

It should be -

The name is Fainde, I am the General of the Aldmeri Dominion

And wouldn't that be A General?...Surely they'd have more than one?...

Otherwise...Fantastic start...

Nice one... ...

I'll edit it later when I'm writing the new update

I know the Immortal elf story was very cool but this new story will have...ahem....elements of the old story later on in his adventure. *wink wink*

This post has been edited by Riften: Nov 3 2011, 11:03 PM

[Riften]

Chapter 2 - A Dream of Home

In this chapter, our Archer filled out a form for the General and also had a dream of his younger years back at Alinor

The brute General gripped a parchment from his drawer and forced me to fill out a form before I could leave the quarters.

Name:Riften
Race:Altmer
Age:34
Hometown:A village outside Alinor
Class:Shadow Mage

Weapons:Bow and Shortswords
Magicka:Destruction, Conjuration, illusion
Specialty:Master Bowman

"That will be it boy! get out of my quarters, you can rest in the lower deck. There's a ladder leading down over at that wall."

I descended down the splinter ridden ladder to which goosebumps crawled down my spine.
The boat thrashed against the blue sea as I crawled into my bed. Embers rose from the palm of my hand and I illuminated the dampened torch beside my bed and began to rest.
After all I didn't get any sleep after being yanked out of my home at all hours of the mourning.


I slowly began to grow more tiring and descended into sleep.
I had a dream of my younger days when I was 16 that slowly turned into a nightmare.

"Son! here! I award upon you my bow, you truly have earned it."

"Before you run out adventuring, I will give you one final lesson before you graduate as my apprentice"

"What is that lesson? I'm assume your wondering. Enchanting my son, every great Shadow Mage needs to know how to enchant a weapon. My weapon is already enchanted so we will take advantage of the spare bow back at HQ"

"But before that, bring the family home a fine meal for later. You can keep my bow of course and you already have your own set of arrows, your all set!

"I'm speechless father! I have been awaiting this day for many a year!"

"Haha! I know son, I am enthralled as well!"

I vanished into the distand mist into the mainland of the Isles and hunt! I will finally be considered a man to the village.

I clutched my fathers bow and examined it, the gleaming gold reflected off of the sun and the beautiful design of the eagle on the bow crafted on the weapon by our local Blacksmith Jarren, I reminisced of my training days studying how to forge the most fluid of weapons.

I gazed in awe at the distant misty mountains and lush forests, I have never seen such beauty in my life! all we can see from Alinor is the horizon of the sea.

I was suddenly stopped in my path by a pack of deer galloping through the grass.
I clutched my fathers bow and lined up my shot, the arrow pierced the deers and the rest of the pack ran in shock but I clutched my trusty dagger and hurled it across the field until it clashed with the deer.

Before I had even start walking two horsemen galloped past me chuckling. I swayed around only to see my village in the distant illuminated by flames and covered in thick black smoke.

I bolted as fast as I could completely ignoring the two deceased deer laying on the ground.
As soon as I got to my village the whole town was burned down to ash.

It felt like a blade dancing in my flesh as everyone I knew, my family, mentors and friends...all gone...



I woke up distressed and pumping out sweat as I awoke from that horrid nightmare.

This post has been edited by Riften: Nov 5 2011, 03:39 AM

[McBadgere]

Excellent second bit...Nice one... ...

Um, how old is he in this dream, how long ago is it set?...

This...

The boat thrashed against the blue sea as I crawled into my bed to which I illuminated the put out torch beside my bed and began to rest,
after all I didn't get any sleep after being yanked out of my home at all hours of the mourning.

Is one of those sentences Acadian said about being too long and unweildly. Dunno, maybe -

The boat thrashed against the blue sea. I crawled into my bed, the way to which I had illuminated with a torch. I put it out then placed it beside my bed. I climbed in and began to rest. I hadn't gotten much sleep, having being yanked out of my home in the small hours of the morning after all.

*Shrug*...

The first three bits of speech are by the same chap, - I'm guessing - so I think you can put them on a seperate line if you don't have the closing speechmarks at the end of each. Until the end of his speech, where here you haven't got them...

I vanished into the distance mist into the mainlands of the

I vanished into the distant mist, into the mainlands?...

the arrow pierced the deers head and the rest of the pack ran in shock but I gripped my trusty dagger and scattered it miles across the land until it clashed with the deer.

deer's head...

Scattering is not what you need...Probably hurled it at a deer...Miles?...They're deer, how fast were they moving?... ...

I gripped my dagger. I aimed and threw it at one of the deer. The dagger flew across the clearing till it felled the fleeing animal.

Dunno...Sorry...My two penneth is all...

Keep at it, I'm really looking forward to reading more...

This post has been edited by McBadgere: Nov 4 2011, 05:47 AM

[Acadian]

So, a voyage and a dream. We learn some of Riften and how he came by his skill with a bow. What a tragedy that befell his family before he was swooped away from Summerset Isles as a reluctant agent of the Aldmeri Dominion.

Since his agreement with Fainde was made under duress, I wonder to what extent (or even if) Riften will honor it once he sets his feet upon Cyrodiilic soil. Speaking of which, I’m guessing the port of destination to perhaps be Anvil. I am also looking forward to finding out if this version of Riften retains his taste for Tamika's.

[Grits]

I like the description of how Riften lit the torch. Little details like that really bring a story to life for me. I’m glad you’re going to keep some elements from your old story, and you’re taking your time showing us just what we need to know for now.

[Riften]

@Acadian - Of course he will still have his desire for Tamika! who doesn't!?

@Grits - Thanks for the kind comments!
I knew that line would would be a seller

@McBadgere - No need to be sorry, I enjoy all of the nitpicking, It helps my story improve...obviously

EDIT:Ahh...I see what your supposed to do. Don't worry, I'll start doing these reply posts when I'm updating the Journal.

This post has been edited by Riften: Nov 6 2011, 05:30 AM