Edward an Imperial's Story, Coward, bounder, thief, murderer...and hero? Options

[Rachel the Breton]

For many, this story is not new, but has been running for awhile on Bethesda. While most of the beginning is not going to be updated, there are points where I'm fixing the grammar/tweaking things...so, if you want to reread, or if you haven't read it yet, please do.
This is a parody, so note that I've taken some rather significant liberties with the story/world...I know some people hate that, so you've been warned.


Oh prison really, really sucks,
I should be out making big bucks
Instead I'm rotting in this stinking cell
I just hope my honoured user jailer rots in hell!
-- Edward's Lament

Chapter One

Once upon a time, in a far away land, an Imperial named Edward lived in the Imperial Dungeon of the Imperial City . Edward was an average young man, with nothing outstanding about his background, family, life, or appearance. Indeed, he was so ordinary that no one seemed to know anything about him, and he didn't remember anything about his past (at least, that was his story, and he was sticking to it). All he knew was that he was stuck in a jail cell -- and there, across from him, was another prisoner, taunting him.


Edward didn't pay much attention to what was said, but he got the gist...the guards were going to torture and kill him, as that's all that happened to prisoners here.


"Funny," Edward thought, "this guy doesn't look like he's been tortured, and, unfortunately, he's still alive, and making a damn lot of noise, too..."


Just then, the distant clinking of armor came to the prisoners' ears.


"Aha, they're coming for you!" the annoying prisoner taunted.


Edward frowned. Maybe, just maybe, he might find out why he was here. It couldn't have been those loaves of bread, swiped from the King and Queen Tavern, could it? Nah, no one saw him, he was sure. What about that beggar...what was his name?...that he'd pickpocketed as he slept in the rain outside the chapel. No, surely, they wouldn't throw a respectable young man like him in prison over a slimy beggar, would they?


He waited, musing these things silently, as the noise grew louder, and then, to his surprise, a group of guards and a very well dressed man came into view. Edward's blue eyes sparkled as he saw the rich robes.


"Those must be worth a fortune! And that amulet! I'll bet I could sell that for a lot!"


"Stand aside, prisoner!" an authoritative voice demanded. "Move to the end of the cell, and do not interfere!"


Edward hesitated, his eyes still fixed on the amulet.


"Now! Or we'll make you!" the voice commanded again.


Something in the tone caused Edward to draw his eyes away from the sparkling gem, and to the speaker.


Jumping as he did so, he quickly complied; the speaker had been a less-than-friendly, armor clad, weapon wielding warrior, surrounded by two similarly attired, similarly armed, similarly disposed warriors. Edward tripped in his haste to oblige, but pulled himself up quickly. "Why certainly, milady! Happy to be of service!" he declared.


The warrior scoffed at him, and turned to the rich man. "The passage is here, my lord. I don't know why they put a prisoner in this cell; it is always supposed to be off limits."


The rich man seemed sullen, and did not speak.


"Come with us, my emperor; time is pressing!"


"Emperor!" Edward gasped.


"Why?" the Emperor asked, his tone melancholy. "It's no use...nothing is any use anymore."


The warriors exchanged glances, and the apparent leader spoke again. "My lord, let us get you to sanctuary, where you may then contemplate the futility of existence in safety."


Edward hadn't paid much attention to this conversation, though, as he'd found his eyes returning to the amulet. "You know," he thought to himself, "I'll bet an emperor's amulet would sell for a fortune, even if that ruby is fake!" He found himself licking his lips nervously. Here, merely an arm's length away, was probably his fortune made; but his arms were shackled, and three very unsympathetic guards stood between him and retirement.


The Emperor seemed to sense Edward's eyes on him, and he turned. The old man's eyes lit up. "You!" he whispered. "I've seen you in my dreams!"


Edward grimaced. "Sorry, but I don't go that way."


The Emperor looked at him in puzzlement. "This is fate!" he said at last.


"Sorry," Edward said, stepping backwards. "Not interested." To himself, he wondered at the impertinence of this man. "And, really," he thought, "that's the worst line I've ever heard. 'I've seen you in my dreams'...please!"

"But...the fate of the world rests in your hands! The gods have chosen you to save this empire!"


Edward blinked. He liked the sound of that, but he was still suspicious about the old man's motives. "How?"


"My sons are dead...my time in this life is at an end," the Emperor said.


"Oh, I see," Edward said, his manner suddenly very engaging and excited. "And you need a good, trustworthy soul to take over the empire after you...expire? And, of course, you recognize the very virtues and character you seek in me?"


The Emperor raised an eyebrow. "No...but I might need you to deliver a message for me, if I expire before I can deliver it myself."


Edward's jaw dropped. "A message? You think my virtues and character are only worthy of being a royal messenger?!"


"Well," the Emperor answered slowly, "not really...but, if my visions are right, you'll be the only one I have left to carry the message when the time comes, so I'll have to take a chance on you."


Edward frowned deeply at the old man. Of all the insolence!


"Are you interested?" the Emperor asked.


"Sorry, Mr. Kingy, but you can take your message and stick it up your..." Edward paused, seeing the warriors suddenly moving at him. "...mailbox?" he finished meekly.


The Emperor shrugged, and started to head down a passage that had, somehow, appeared in Edward's cell wall. "Ah well, suit yourself. Of course, it would have meant that you'd get out of prison, but..."


By now, the guards and emperor had disappeared around a bend in the passage, but Edward lost no time in taking to his heels after them, calling, "Wait! Wait, I've changed my mind!"




This post has been edited by Rachel the Breton: Aug 25 2010, 01:28 AM

[Rachel the Breton]

Warriors that come and go,
Dead men that I don't know,
Life is very strange indeed
For a poor Imperial in need.
-- Edward's Lament, Continued

Chapter Two

Edward caught up with the Emperor just in time to hear him declare, in very melancholy tones, "Woe, woe is me!"

"Yes, my lord," one of the guards said. "But, if you'll just come this way..."

"Ahh, but life is such a futile thing!" the Emperor continued to say.

"What a whiner," Edward thought to himself. Aloud, however, he declared, "My lord, I changed my mind! I would be honored to deliver your message!"

"Life!" the Emperor declared. "What is life? This thing, that we love, that we cherish, that we fear so much to lose? What is life, after all?"

One of the guards cleared his throat. "My lord, if we could continue, so that you could contemplate life when yours is not imperiled?"

"This valley of woe, this plain of suffering, this mountain of worry, this world of trouble and hardship...why, why, why do we hold it so dear? Why do we flee, as if staying and risking an end to it, life, would be such a terrible thing? Tell me that!"

The guards shifted their weight. "Well, my lord, the people need their Emperor!"

At this point, Edward tried to interpose, saying, "My lord, I will be your messenger!" But he was ignored.

"The people," the Emperor scoffed. "What are the people? A bunch of miscreants, peasants, low lives, thieves, murderers, prisoners, greedy priests, conniving noblemen, ambitious officials: riffraff, all of them!" He glanced at Edward. "Look you at this one, and see what I mean!"

Edward frowned, about to make some response, but just then a noise distracted all of their attention. Glancing toward it, Edward saw a trio of ferocious, grotesquely armored men who, apparently, spawned out of the thin air. The three warriors charged to meet the would-be assassins, while, in unison, the Emperor and the prisoner let loose a squeal of terror and ran to the furthest end of the room, where they cowered together.

They remained unmoving, their hands over their heads as they huddled, until the fighting stopped. Then they glanced up, to see three slain men in silk robes. "Divines Not-Quite-Almighty!" Edward shouted, staring at the three corpses. "Where did they come from? And where in Oblivion are the other guys?"

The guards stared at him with distaste, but made no response. "Come my lord," the leader declared, turning to the emperor.

The Emperor stood, and Edward marveled at the man's ability to go from cowering wreck to imperious leader in just a second or so. "That," he thought, "is a real leader! Someone who can adapt to the situation! Someone who-"

He was interrupted from his reverie by someone calling, "Prisoner!"

Edward looked up.

"If you're coming, let's go!" the guard called to him.

Edward nodded, and fell in line. But then he stopped as he caught site of the corpses, and a thought came to him. "You go on ahead of me," he declared. "I've got a cramp in my leg, and I don't want to slow you down or anything. I'll be along as soon as it's gone, but you need to get the emperor to safety!"

"Safety!" the Emperor exclaimed. "What is safety? Who is safe? And from what? Can we ever be safe? Can anyone ever be safe?"

The guards made no argument with Edward, but quietly, politely and respectfully herded the Emperor, who was still mulling the questions he'd posed, toward a distant passage.

Edward, his eyes gleaming, waited for them to go, and then, when they were out of sight, hurried to the corpses. Whoever these creatures were, their fine robes indicated that they were prestigious -- which meant that they probably carried something of value on their persons! With eager hands, Edward searched their pockets. However, much to his chagrin, he found nothing whatever. "Who in Marooned Dragon's name goes around dressed in silk from head to toe, but not carrying anything? Not even a single gold piece?" he wondered. "Worthless bastards...I'm glad you're dead..." Disgusted, he kicked the corpse nearest him and walked toward the passage that the Emperor had disappeared down, but then paused again. "Silk...silk is expensive!"

With this thought, he returned to the corpses and, with much difficulty, proceeded to strip them. Having completed this, he smiled at his handiwork. There, he'd collected three complete silk robes. "Now," he thought. "What am I going to do with them?" He looked at his own clothes, hoping to find a place to store them; but he was wearing typical prison clothes: dirty sack cloth and old sandals. He sighed. No pockets, no secret hiding places.

And then an idea hit him with a flash. Why should he wear dirty, smelly sack cloth, when right there was fine silk?? Smiling and humming to himself, he stripped off his old clothes -- with some difficulty, as he was still wearing his wrist irons -- and slipped into the red robe. Just because he thought it looked especially stylish, he slipped on the silk hood that matched the robe; then, with great joy, he found a compartment in his robe where he could stash the other two. "There," he thought to himself, "All done...now, where's a mirror?" He searched around for a mirror, but found none. "Maybe the Emperor has a mirror," he mused. With this in mind, and dressed in the silk robes of the assassins, he took off in the direction that the emperor had traveled.

[mALX]

WOO HOO !!!! Edward, Docada, and best of all ... RACHEL !!!!!!! WOO HOO !!!!!

[haute ecole rider]

Yay! Rachel's arrived! Now we have not one, nor two, but six parodies here (Maxical, Wrothken, Ra'jirra, Adryn, Ada, and now Edward!)

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I love the Emperor's channeling of Hamlet, King Lear and Henry IV (or was it VI?) all in one. I love the Blades' practical responses to his existential mumblings:

"My lord, let us get you to sanctuary, where you may then contemplate the futility of existence in safety."

"My lord, if we could continue, so that you could contemplate life when yours is not imperiled?"

"Well, my lord, the people need their Emperor!"

Oh, and I see you've been initiated by the Chorrol Censor:

Oh prison really, really sucks,
I should be out making big bucks
Instead I'm rotting in this stinking cell
I just hope my honoured user jailer rots in hell!

I can't speak for others, but I've given up trying to make sense of the loaf of bread British boat here.

Typical Edward, to go chasing after the Blades and the Emperor wearing the same red robes of the assassins they just killed!

This post has been edited by haute ecole rider: Aug 25 2010, 01:42 AM

[Rachel the Breton]

Thanks mALX and haute ecole rider! Glad to bring back the early chuckles. As for the censor, LOL...oh dear, that's going to be annoying later in the story...I guess I'll have to say something like "illegitimate son" in place of that word...LOL;)

BTW, I uploaded a drawing of Edward here: http://chorrol.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=4503 in case you're interested in looking... I warn you, I'm not very good, but I try, lol.

[mALX]

I love the drawing, and it puts Edward into a diff light for me - I had pictured him completely diff from his actions, lol.

The censor thing kills me, I wish it would put brackets around it so I could find it when something has been altered, lol.

[Winter Wolf]

*wolf looks each way before posting*

I spent a lot of time reading this over at Beth earlier on this year, but was always too scared to leave a reply. Your tale of Edward was without doubt one of the most amazing pieces of literary work that I have ever read. If fact it is so good that it defies description.

I find it impossible to write humor into a piece of writing for more than a sentence or two, how you can do it for chapter after chapter is incredible.

Just wait until Foxy finds out about this. I am hiding under the bed already.

You joined at Chorrol in March and only have posted it now. That is a torment to your reading masses. Lol.

More, more !!

This post has been edited by Winter Wolf: Aug 25 2010, 07:28 AM

[treydog]

Let's see:

Beverages removed from vicinity- check

Sharp objects ditto- check

Recently completed bathroom break- umm, TMI

Not at work- well... 3 out of 4 isn't bad.

Somehow I see your Emperor Uriel as a cross between William Shatner and Richard Burton, with maybe a touch of Lionel Barrymore thrown in.

And Edward perfectly encapsulated in just a few lines-

"Oh, look, it's the Emperor! I wonder how much that amulet is worth?"

It is so wonderful to have you here, Rachel. And if we have to put up with Edward, well, it's still worth it.

[D.Foxy]

O Cowering Wolf, even under the bed thee shalt not escapeth Foxy and his ever companion, the amazing DHERTEE INNU - ENDO!!!

Behold!!!

"Sorry, Mr. Kingy, but you can take your message and stick it up your..." Edward paused, seeing the warriors suddenly moving at him. "...mailbox?" he finished meekly.


Now, tell me, readers - exactly where on the male anatomy is the male box situated???

[treydog]

O Cowering Wolf, even under the bed thee shalt not escapeth Foxy and his ever companion, the amazing DHERTEE INNU - ENDO!!!

Behold!!!

"Sorry, Mr. Kingy, but you can take your message and stick it up your..." Edward paused, seeing the warriors suddenly moving at him. "...mailbox?" he finished meekly.


Now, tell me, readers - exactly where on the male anatomy is the male box situated???

Why everyone knows that, dear Foxy. It is the Adam's apple (or voice-box). Just look at Anne Coulter.

[mALX]

Now, tell me, readers - exactly where on the male anatomy is the male box situated???

Why everyone knows that, dear Foxy. It is the Adam's apple (or voice-box). Just look at Anne Coulter.

I thought that was only on girls...

[D.Foxy]

...no, Maxie, they don't have our PEARLS....

[SubRosa]

Edward returns! For the first time as it were, since this is the beginning again. Well, you know what I mean. Welcome to Chorrol Rachel!

Edward grimaced. "Sorry, but I don't go that way."

[mALX]

...no, Maxie, they don't have our PEARLS....

Don't get me started, lol...mustn't tell dirty jokes...SPEW !!!! KAPOW!!!


* mALX exploded from holding in dirty joke *

[D.Foxy]

A joke that is a-dirty
'An you be holdin' it in
Jes then, count t'thirty
Then you'll explode like Sin!!!

*mercilessly teases Maxie*

Heeeey MaLXIe...heard the one about the naive and horny farmgirl, the sex aid salesman, a string of pearls, and a previous dinner of...

... mexican beans...



...(enjoy)


(evil grin)

[mALX]

A joke that is a-dirty
'An you be holdin' it in
Jes then, count t'thirty
Then you'll explode like Sin!!!

*mercilessly teases Maxie*

Heeeey MaLXIe...heard the one about the naive and horny farmgirl, the sex aid salesman, a string of pearls, and a previous dinner of...

... mexican beans...



...(enjoy)


(evil grin)

Adding in the Mexican beans gives away the fact that this was an actual experience we can read about in Foxy's bio... Wait! ...or was that chili?

This post has been edited by mALX: Aug 25 2010, 06:07 PM

[Rachel the Breton]

Winter Wolf: Thanks! I love writing comedy, although sometimes I just run out of inspiration, at least on the same story. As for not posting until now, I honestly didn't mean to torment the community, lol...but I'll not be so careless this time.
Thanks for posting -- your comment is appreciated!!

Treydog: Thanks, it's great to finally have time to spend here! As for putting up with Edward...well, he gets his butt kicked enough to make it worth it, I hope.

Sub Rosa: Thanks for the welcome! I look forward to spending some more time here...and seeing what that awesome Bosmer of yours is up to!!

D. Foxy: Glad to see you here! I'm reposting with the grammar/spelling/etc. tweaks that I find, but I'm afraid I haven't really "Dhertee Innu-endo"-proofed the story.


Anyhow, more chapters coming...



An adventurer's life for me,
Rats and goblins to flee!
An adventurer's life for me,
A hero I shall someday be!
-- Excerpt from a childhood poem written by Edward

Chapter Three

Edward reached the door that the Emperor had disappeared into, only to find, to his great dismay, that it was locked. In a panic, he tried the handle again, and found that it was, indeed, fastened on the other side.


Fear gripped him, and he began to run about the room wildly, calling for help.


He continued to circle the room screaming for several minutes, stopping only when he tripped over one of the corpses, who now lay in his underclothes staring at the ceiling with dead eyes. Something about this scene was so morbid that Edward pulled himself to his feet, more panicked than before, and ran straight for a hole in the wall that he had not previously noticed.


He didn't see where he was going, and barely noticed the strange goblins and giant rats around him as he plunged deeper and deeper into the musty cellar. He continued running, past chests and skeletons, until he reached an underground opening. He was arrested by the pungent odor of cooking rat, and he stopped running to seek the source; disgusting as it was, he was hungry!


He found a giant rat roasting on a spit, and quickly set about munching on the foul, furry thing. It was then that he noticed a basket of human skulls nearby.


Nearly choking on a mouthful of rat meat, Edward loosed another scream, and took to his heels again. He didn't bother to look where he was going, but ran blindly into whatever tunnel opened up before him. He didn't notice the ever increasing horde of goblins and rats that pursued him.


Finally, much to his relief, he saw the dank dirt of the cellar open into the paved stone of the secret passages that the emperor had traversed -- and, what's more, he heard the sound of the Emperor's voice.


"This flight is futile, I tell you, futile! We men are but doomed creatures, doomed at birth to die! What matters it, if today be the day? What matters it, if tomorrow be the day?"


Edward, pausing to regain his breath, suddenly was aware of the creatures on his tail. Screeching with horror, he took once more to his heels, crying, "Your Majesty, protect me!"


He burst into the tunnel, spotted the royal pack, and ran toward them, a hissing, spitting, cursing, furry mob hot on his heels. He ran toward the emperor, and somehow made it past the guards, who apparently couldn't make up their minds if they should attack the robed man or the horde of creatures he'd brought with him.


When the Emperor saw the goblins, rats and other creatures, he ran in the opposite direction; Edward, finding his Imperial shield gone, took off after him. The guards, meanwhile, were already engaged in combat with the creatures, and only heard the frightened shrieks of the two men as they ran down the passage.


Finally, coming to a dead end, the Emperor stopped to look about him. Seeing Edward, his eyes widened with horror. "Assassin!" he screeched, pointing his finger at him.


Edward screamed out loud, and ran to hide behind the Emperor, assuming that the other man had meant that there'd been an assassin behind him. The Emperor let out a terrified yelp at his advance, and threw up his hands defensively. This move surprised Edward, and he glanced over his shoulder. Realizing that there was no one there, and that it was him, Edward, that the Emperor had cowered from, he asked in amazement, "Don't you recognize me, Your Majesty? I'm not an assassin, I'm your messenger, Edward!"


The Emperor peered at him suspiciously, but half raised himself from his frightened crouch. "But...but you're wearing the assassin's robes!"


Edward glanced down at his clothes. "Me? Oh, no, I'm just wearing one of those beautiful silk robes..." he trailed off, his face turning ashen. "You mean...those dead guys...they were assassins?" he asked, comprehending at last.


The Emperor nodded. "Of course...what did you think they were? I don't just keep corpses in my secret passages, you know."


"Yes," Edward said, "but what happened? They had been wearing such scary armor, not these expensive robes!"


The Emperor looked at him quizzically for a moment, and then sighed, as if annoyed by his stupidity. "It was magic! They're Mythic Dawn mages, who can spawn their own armor!"


Edward gaped. "You mean, I looted the corpses of magic dead guys?"

[Rachel the Breton]

He spoke of fate and dreams,
But I've got other schemes.
The empire may go to hell,
As long as I make out well.
-- Edward's Musings

Chapter Four

The Emperor raised an eyebrow, but Edward didn't make any clarification. He stood, frozen in place, and then began to scream shrilly. There, from out of the wall right behind the Emperor another one of the Mythic Dawn warriors had spawned. "Great Divines," Edward's panicked mind thought, "he heard me! He's coming to get me!"


Still screaming, he watched as the grotesquely armored warrior brought a heavy mace down on the emperor's head, and then rushed forward. Edward closed his eyes, but, to his amazement, the blow did not land; instead, he felt a rush of wind as the assassin raced past him, and heard the sounds of footsteps receding down the passage. He also heard something that sounded like, "Come on, get to work!"


Opening his eyes, he turned to see a clash of armor in the far end of the tunnel. For a moment, he wondered why the mythic dawn assassin hadn't attacked him, but then surmised that it must have been because he thought he'd have an easier time taking on the imperial guards. He smiled to himself, and then turned to the emperor.


His smile vanished as he saw the older man lying on the floor in a pool of blood, the mace still stuck in his skull. Wincing, Edward stepped forward to remove the mace. "That's just undignified," he thought to himself, "to have a mace sticking out of the back of your skull, particularly if you're an emperor or king or whatever..." He stared at the mace strangely as he touched it, sensing -- though he wasn't quite sure how -- the weapon's name. "Emo's Bane?" he thought. "That's a strange name for something..."


He laid the mace down beside the emperor, and, respectfully, pulled his own hood back; it was the closest he could do to removing his hat, after all. Then he turned the emperor's corpse over. He sighed. "Well, you were an arrogant thing, but you sure knew how to act like a king...or emperor, or whatever," he eulogized, his voice laden with great emotion.


All at once, a gleam appeared in his eye. He was staring at the amulet that hung about the Emperor's neck. He glanced about him quickly. He could see the guards -- they were busy fighting the assassin. Quickly, deftly, he reached for the amulet; seizing it, he pulled it from the emperor's corpse and held it up to the torchlight to examine it. He licked his lips excitedly. "That's got to be real!" he thought. "And it's the biggest ruby I've ever seen! Plus it's set in gold!! Ohhh, it's going to bring me a fortune!!"


He was busily calculating how much the amulet might be pawned for when he heard the clatter of armor in the passage. Glancing up, he saw an imperial guard returning; he stashed the amulet in the folds of his robe quickly, and turned to face him. "The Emperor is dead!" he cried. "One of those dirty assassins murdered him! I tried to stop them, but he was too quick for me! He shoved me aside, and managed to get the Emperor; and then he fled into the passage, leaving me to attend our poor sovereign!"


The guard eyed him with suspicion and grief, and turned to kneel beside the emperor. All at once, he started, and glared at Edward. "The amulet! Where is it, you sneaking turd?"


Edward started too, surprised that the guard had even noticed that the amulet was missing. Surely it was just one of many royal trinkets? "He...uhhh...he gave it to me!" he managed to respond.


"Gave it to you?" the guard asked, clearly taken aback. "Why?"


Edward blinked at the question, but thought quickly. "For...safekeeping?"


The guard growled, as if unsatisfied with the answer. "Well..." he said at last, "he did seem to trust you...at least, as a last resort."


Edward frowned, but thought it better not to pick a fight with this heavily armored, extremely proficient warrior. "Yes, quite so," he said instead.


"And," the guard replied, "I suppose this might have been the message he meant you to carry...after all, I can't carry it because I have to tend to his body."


"Yes, exactly!" Edward declared, pressing his advantage.


"And you know where to take it?" the guard wondered, his eyes coloring with suspicion.


"Of course!" Edward snapped back, feigning annoyance. "But don't expect me to tell you -- the Emperor made no mention of trusting you with the secret!"


"Me?" the guard erupted. "Of course the Emperor trusts me! I knew about getting the amulet to Friar Jauffre long ago! It's you I wonder about!"


Edward blinked. Was there really some plan to deliver his treasure to someone, or was this a trap? "Say what you want," he said at last, "but I will not discuss the matter with you, as the Emperor swore me to secrecy!" Perfect! he thought. Secrecy means I can't deny it or confirm it. Genius!


"Well," the other man growled, "you just see that you get it there...the fate of the entire empire rests in your grubby mitts! And, as far as I'm concerned, you're probably just as liable to pawn the bloody thing off for a few gold as to deliver and save the empire..."


Edward stared blankly at the man, amazed by his powers of perception. At last, however, he roused himself, and sniffed, "Say what you will. As I said, I will not discuss it with the likes of you!"


The guard rolled his eyes, and said, "Alright, then, get on with it!"


Edward stood, and cringed as the Emperor -- who had still been resting on his legs -- crashed to the floor. Clearing his throat, he glanced at around at him, ignoring the guard's glare. "Yes, well..." He frowned, and began to walk about the room looking for an exit. He tried to carry himself with a knowing air, but rightly imagined that he failed, and that his bewilderment showed. Finally, in desperation, he turned to the guard.


"How do I get out of here?" he asked.


The other man rolled his eyes, but stood and walked to the wall. Pushing what seemed to be just another rock, but what was apparently a lever of some sort, the guard opened a passage in the wall. Edward cringed as he realized that this was the same one that the assassin had stepped out of. "You don't suppose...well, you don't suppose you could accompany me, just to make sure that nothing happened to me? I mean, so that the Emperor's last wish could be carried out and all that?" he asked.


The guard just glared at him, and declared, "You can take care of yourself. I must tend to the Emperor's body."


Wrinkling his nose in distaste at the guard, Edward gingerly stepped into the narrow passage.

This post has been edited by Rachel the Breton: Aug 26 2010, 12:09 AM

[Rachel the Breton]

Before my death they called me an emo,
But those fools didn't know what I know.
You can bet they too would be depressed
If they knew in whose hands the fate of the empire rests.
-- Emperor Uriel Septim

Chapter Five

Edward growled as he stepped into the sunlight. To any observer, that might have been a strange reaction for a man who had just stepped out of a sewer pipe; but, had that observer known the reason, he might have been more sympathetic. Or, he might just have laughed heartily. But, whether falling into and nearly drowning in rivers of septic waste, being chased by giant crabs, gnawed on by enormous rats, beaten senseless by headless zombies, bitten mercilessly by humongous slaughterfish and cussed at by one very foul tempered (and mouthed) urchin who'd made the sewers his home is a matter to laugh about or sympathize over, such was Edward's ordeal. And so it was that, when he emerged -- stinking of sewerage, covered in rat and fish bites, bruised and bloody from his beatings, and smarting inwardly at the urchin's insults -- he was not baby faced, and he most certainly did not look like a girl! -- he growled at the sun, cursed the dead emperor, wished he could strangle that blasted guard, and finally swore at anything and everything about him. Then, and only then, did he plunge into the river to rinse some, at least, of the stinking sewerage from his body.


Swimming to the shore opposite him, gasping for breath, he managed to pull his dripping body out of the lake. "Great Divines!" he cursed. "Who knew swimming in an ankle-length robe could be so damned difficult?!" He squeezed and wrung the robe out as best as he was able, and then sighed and resigned himself to walking about in soggy clothes.


A sudden thought struck him. "I wonder if being soaked in sewerage will bring the value of these robes down?" He frowned. "Maybe I can just wash them really well." He glanced around him, and his eye caught sight of a flower. "Perfect!" he thought. "Flowers! Flowers smell nice! After I wash them, I can soak them in water and flowers, so the sewerage smell will be drowned by pretty flower smells!"

Smiling to himself at his diabolical cleverness, he set about picking all the flowers he saw. How long he spent thus engaged he wasn't sure, but, when he glanced up, he noticed that the sun was setting. At the same time, he heard his stomach growl, and felt just how very uncomfortable he was in the heavy wet clothes. "Damn it!" he thought. "I need to get to somewhere where I can dry off, eat something and sleep in a nice, warm bed!"


Glancing about, he realized that the shore he'd swum to after exiting the sewer was actually the shore of an island, and that he'd have to jump back in the river to get anywhere at all. Sighing and cursing all at the same time, he braced mentally, and then plunged into the water once more, this time heading back to the Imperial City's shore -- the same shore he'd originally come from.


Sputtering, gasping, swearing and praying, Edward was finally, barely, able to make it to the shore. He straightened himself up, still gasping for breath, and glanced behind him at the island. To his horror, he saw a floating trail of flowers -- his flowers! -- in his wake. He collapsed to the beach as he realized that the flowers he'd spent so long collecting had all, somehow, floated out of his robe.


Then, a feeling of terror gripping him, he searched the drenched folds of his robe for the emperor's amulet. At first he found only a few petals here and there -- the remnants of his magnificent botanic enterprise -- but, at last, he found the ruby amulet. Deciding that the safest thing he could possibly do was wear the amulet -- that way he'd always know right where it was -- he slipped it over his neck. For a moment, the loss of his flowers, the nearly drowning in the river and, before that, sewage, and all the trials of the day were lost as he reflected that he, Edward the Imperial, was wearing an amulet that had, only hours before, belonged to the Emperor. "The now dead Emperor," he thought, and the idea suddenly lost some of its appeal.


Sighing, he surveyed the absurd almost cliff-like mountain that he'd have to scale to reach the Imperial City . But, being the courageous adventurer that he was...well, actually, being half starved, very uncomfortable and starting to get rather chilly...he set about climbing the steep mountainside.


It was not long, however, before he discovered that -- if it was possible -- climbing in heavy, wet robes was actually more difficult than swimming in them. More than that, but the ankle length skirt of the robe, and the large sleeves, continually got caught in the bushes, crags and apparently everywhere else, so that he kept falling, tripping, and picking himself up to start over again. Forty-five minutes later, and only a little way up the mountainside -- but very scratched, tired and angry -- Edward paused for a rest. He was panting heavily -- so heavily that he thought his lungs might explode -- and the sun was disappearing very quickly. By the meager light that was left, he surveyed his robe. He was dismayed to find that, not only had the robe he was wearing, but the others too, been quite shredded. "I'll never be able to sell these!" he mourned. "No one will buy them!" He paused, a thought coming to him. "Well, maybe a beggar...after all, they're about as torn as the crap that they wear, but these are real silk!" Then another idea came to him. "But...will a beggar be able to afford them?" He scowled. Beggars always looked so scraggly and starved that he doubted they'd have the money for a new set of clothes, even if they were sewerage scented silk.


He glanced upward, at the summit which he had yet to conquer, and then came to a resolution. "To oblivion with it," he declared, stripping off the stinking, soggy silk, and watching with satisfaction as the bundle of fabric slid down the hill face.


And then he felt the night air assault his body, which, save for his underpants and the amulet, was bare. Scrambling quickly, he managed to scale the remainder of the cliff in what must have been record time.


So it was that a shivering, scratched, scarred, and bruised man, wearing only a loincloth and an expensive amulet, walked into the Imperial City some half an hour later.

[haute ecole rider]

Once again, I laughed at the vision of Edward running through the entire tutorial dungeon screaming for help with rats and goblins and a lone zombie in his wake like the tail of a comet!

Emo's Bane?

And yes, Edward does too look like a girrl!