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> A strange love, The story about S'iniith and He-Twists-His-Tail
saqin
post Sep 20 2010, 07:51 PM
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Joined: 22-September 09
From: Stockholm, Sweden



This is the story about S'iniith, the khajiit merchant, and He-Twists-His-Tail, the argonian mage. I've had this idea for a while and now I've finally decided to post the first chapter.
If there is anything you wonder about, I've taken the information that isn't in the game from this site:The unofficial elder scrolls pages
And some from this: The Imperial Library

Chapter one

Silverhome on the water was crowded with people, and Gilgondorin was busy serving his customers. The female khajiit threw the dices across the table, and grumbled bitterly when the dices showed number three and one. The man across from her laughed.

“Why this must be my lucky day! I don’t think I’ve ever won this much playing with dices!” He said. She threw a glare at him and got up. The Oblivion crisis had ended, and order had been restored to Tamriel. And since there wasn’t any emperor, the council ruled the land.

“S‘iniith! Come here ma S‘iniith!” The khajiit male, who where quite obviously drunk, held out his arms and tried to wrap them around her as she walked by.

“M’aiq, I’m not interested.” She hissed at him and tried to duck under his arms. He grabbed her around her waist however, and pushed her against him. His breath stank of alcohol.

“M’aiq knows many things! One of the things M’aiq knows is that S’iniith likes M’aiq.” The khajiit answered, trying to kiss her.

“I’m not feeling well M’aiq, and you’re drunk. Come back when you are not and I might consider it.” Actually, she was already considering it, since there had gone months since she spent the night with a male before. She was 28 years old, and already a widow.

Now, she pushed M’aiq away from her and walked out through the door, across the dirty street of Bravil to S’Krivva’s house where she had been staying for a few days. She would leave to Leyawin the next day, the information she brought might just earn her a bed, for not many travelled to Leyawin.

She took out the key that she’d borrowed, and opened the door. S’Krivva greeted her when she hung up the keys and looked around.

“There you are S’iniith, I need help with dinner.” S’Krivva wore her usual clothing, the burgundy linen shirt, the laced leather pants and the doeskin shoes. She held a tallow in her hands, and just seconds ago she’d been cleaning them with it.

“I’ll help S’Krivva. Where is M’ethe?” S’iniith asked and followed her friend into the area where the food was being prepared, on the table there was some venison and potatoes at the moment.

“The boy should be down any moment, he’ve seemed very impatient the last hour.” S’Krivva answered and looked at S’iniith with a smile. Then her face took it’s normal neutral expression and she hesitated a moment before speaking again. “How is it going since Jo’Vaba died?”

“We’re doing fine I guess. At least we aren’t starving yet.” S’iniith sighed and began cutting the potatoes. S’Krivva looked at her for a moment before she began to slice the venison. Then soft paws crossed the floor above them, and soon the same paws descended the stairs. S’iniith smiled when the boy stepped in. He spotted her instantly and leaped up into her arms when she’d put the knife down. She stroke his back affectionatly and he purred.

* * *

The argonian looked up from the book, at the imperial across the street. She had very fancy clothing. Another argonian walked up to him then.

”He-Twists-His-Tail, what are you doing? Not fancying those clothes are ye?” The argonian said, and smiled.

”No Amusei, I was wondering how she looked without them. Could be a very interesting thing to study.” He-Twists-His-Tail smiled and closed the book, before standing up to greet his friend.

”You must be the most strange person I’ve ever met. Fancying imperials, bah! They don’t have the slightest bit of scales.” Amusei jokingly hit his friend on the arm, and then put his arm around him. ”Amusei knows where to find pretty argonian women, not weak skinned humans.”

”I did not say that I fancy her, I said it would be interesting. By the way, I got the answer to my application for the Arcane University earlier.” Twist said, and Amusei turned to him.

”You actually sent it? Oh my, you’re mad. A thieves guild member trying to join the mages! Now I’ve heard it all.” Amusei said, shaking his head and laughing.

”Why I’m not only trying, I’ve been accepted.” Twist spoke again, ignoring how Amusei made fun of him.

”Excuse me friend, but I really can’t believe it. You won’t forget about old friends when you are a respected mage, will you? And when will you leave?”

”In a week Amusei and no, I’ll not forget you.” Twist smiled.

”Why, friend, you must allow us to throw a party for you.” Amusei said, made a jokingly salute, and ran off. Twist smiled and shook his head, then he looked down on the book. ”On the Deadra” was certainly interesting. In fact, his interest in the deadra and aedra was part of what had caused him to apply to the academy in the first place. The other part was his interest in magic and his wish to one day become respected. He didn’t want to live his whole life in a hole like Leyawiin. Maybe one day he could have a house on the Gold Coast, and maybe even a wife. Yes, he’d marry the prettiest Argonian woman that would have him, and they’d live together on the Gold Coast. He smiled where he walked, and turned towards the little shack that he shared with Amusei.

Closing the door behind him, He-Twists-His-Tail, or Twist as most people called him, went up to the little bookshelf in the two room shack. He put the book in, and took Darkest Darkness out. Then he grabbed an apple from the bowl on the table and placed himself on his bed. He thought there was nothing better than a good book, that however, was about to change.

This post has been edited by saqin: Sep 21 2010, 04:01 PM


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Destri Melarg
post Sep 21 2010, 12:04 AM
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From: Rihad, Hammerfell



Hey saqin. I wandered in here and enjoyed this first chapter immensely. Twist and S’iniith are interesting characters about whom I would like to know more. I especially enjoyed the conversation between Twist and Amusei. I began to think how strange it was that Twist would find an Imperial attractive. As the thought entered my mind it was echoed on the page with Amusei’s response.

As far as advice is concerned: Try to avoid telling us too much within the story. We should not be told that S’iniith is grumpy. We should see her grumpiness when she snaps at a fellow patron or at Gilgondorin himself. Later (or in another chapter) you can show her trying to sell her wares to customers who are just not interested. Likewise we should not be told that S’iniith has a child who happens to be an Alfiq. That kind of information just begs to be shown because it adds precious layers to her character.

That being said, you have a good start here and I hope to see more of this. goodjob.gif


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mALX
post Sep 21 2010, 03:28 PM
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From: Cyrodiil, the Wastelands, and BFE TN



SPEW !!!! Maiq trying to get lucky with the tavern matron !!!!! ROFL !!! I will never be able to see Maiq in game again without picturing him drunk and trying to score !!!

This post has been edited by mALX: Sep 21 2010, 03:31 PM


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saqin
post Sep 21 2010, 04:00 PM
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Destri Melarg: Thanks smile.gif . I took your advice in mind, and rewrote the first chapter a bit. I'll try to think more of that when I continue.

mALX: biggrin.gif tongue.gif


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saqin
post Sep 27 2010, 04:14 PM
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Chapter two

S’iniith put the last bag on the back of the wagon and watched as M’ethe jumped up on one of the seats. Then she hugged both S’Krivva and M’aiq goodbye before she got up after him. The boy looked at her with what could be interpreted as a smile. The guard who she’d employed a few months ago was standing by the side of the white horse she’d once bought in Anvil, and who now had the job of pulling the wagon.

Raising her hand to her friends she then took the reins, and commanded the horse to walk. The morning was early, and she’d dressed in her tanned robe. Her son wore an amethyst necklace around his neck, and a ring in his ear. There was also a bracer on one of his hind legs.

The sun was shining in the early morning, and the chatter and chirping of birds could be heard from the forest. S’iniith relaxed where she sat on the wagon.

“Days like this almost make life worth living, especially when you get to experience them in the forest.” She said and looked down at M’ethe, who where basking in the sun. He glanced at her, and shook his head in agreement. The guard didn’t say anything.

They travelled for hours beneath the trees, and when they finally entered Blackwood, the guard tensed. Blackwood was known to contain many dangerous creatures, and then the riverbank and boulders where also good places to hide behind. Despite this, no one stopped them from reaching the small village of Water’s Edge. S’iniith stopped the wagon outside one of the three houses and got of, then she stuck a smile on her face and knocked on the door.

“Yes? What is it?” The man who opened asked, eyeing S’iniinth.

“Hi, I’m a seller of many fine goods with reasonable prices and I think that many of them could be of use in a little village like this one. So, if you’d take a look at my wares, I’m certain that we...” The man looked less interested the more she spoke and finally interupted her.

“I’m not interested in buying anything thank you, and neither are my neighbours.” He said and closed the door, leaving her standing there, mouth open. Shrugging, she then knocked on the other doors in case he hadn’t been honest to her, but recieved almost the same answers from all of the persons that opened.

Discouraged, S’iniith then got up on the wagon again and they continued on their way. After a little while, M’ethe curled up in her lap, causing a tiny smile.

They weren’t far from Leyawiin when two bandits spotted them. S’iniinth saw them smile at each other, and then the bandits took out their weapons. Yelling, they came charging towards the wagon.

“You stay here.” S’iniinth quickly said to M’ethe, and got of. Her hands quickly found the two daggers that she’d tucked under her robe. The guard had pulled out his sword, and was now fighting the first of the bandits. Muttering a spell, S’iniith then disappeared while the guard dodged a blow towards his head. The guard blocked another blow, and began a series of rapid thrusts that put the bandit out of balance. Then he feinted a blow to the left, and when the bandit took the bait, he thrust his sword through the chest of said bandit who then collapsed.

At about the same time, out of nowhere S’iniith appeared and stuck her dagger into the back of the bandit that had gone up to the wagon. She had to roll away again when the bandit slashed around in fury, and she quickly got up on her feet when she saw the bandit charge against her. When she was just about to jump out of the way, the guard attacked the bandit from behind, driving his sword right through the back of the bandit. Then he pulled the sword back out again and the bandit slumped to the ground.

“That was a close call m’am.” The guard said, looking up at S’iniith who nodded in response. Then they searched the bodies of the bandits, taking what armor and weapons could be useful. There was also a few potions and lockpicks.

Soon they where up on the wagon again, and it didn’t take long for them to reach Leyawin.

* * *

“Twist! Get up Twist! A black horse courier just entered town, the deadra have been defeated!” Those where the words that the young argonian heard upon waking, with Amusei standing newt to his bed. Groaning, he stood up.

“Are they sure? It’s not just some scam by the daedra is it?” Twist wore nothing but a loincloth, and now he went over to a drawer. He took out a pair of brecers, an olive shirt and a pair of boots.

“Positive. Martin Septim sacrificed himself and the amulet of kings to stop the daedra’s invasion. And then they declared that khajiit Gasheera champion of Cyrodiil.” Amusei shrugged, and Twist simply looked at him, noting that his friend wore his leather cuirass and boots. “Anyways, we’re having your party today, and I figured you might want to get something done before that. Not that I imagine what that could be.”

“Huh. Thanks Amusei. I was thinking of collecting plants and do some alchemy. Do you want to join me?” They walked together into the bigger room and Twist took a loaf of bread and an apple to eat. A jug of water was already present on the table, and he poured some of it into a glass.

“No thanks Twist. I’d rather hang out with Weebam-Na. He said there is some rats just outside town, so we are going to hunt. Don’t know if it’ll be much fun though.”Amusei shrugged and Twist took a bite.

“I’d thought you’d spend the day with On-Staya.” Twist then said and smiled. Amusei grunted something, and had his face not already been red it could have become awkward.

“No, she’s got some stuff to take care of. Don’t want to bother her. Anyway, I gotta get going. Weebam-Na is waiting by the gate. So, I guess I’ll see you later.” Amusei finished with a smile, then he picked up his bow and quiver with arrows, and where of.

Twist finished his breakfast, then he got his bag and stepped outside. A few people where out on the streets talking to each other and smiling. The argonian made his way to the west gate, and upon exiting nodded to the guard on duty.

He spent all day collecting ingredients and mixing them together into potions. He ate lunch around midday, and then on the afternoon before he went back back to the city, he swam some in the Topal Bay.

“Sugar and sands, friend.” Atahba looked up when Twist walked by. She was grooming one of the horses. It was a black horse, and by the look of it, it had been running for long.

“Greetings Athaba. Whos is the horse? I don’t recall seeing it before.” Twist said, and leaned against the fence of the paddock.

“It belongs to the courier. Simply left it here she did, with saddle and reins. Athaba takes care of it though.” The khajiit answered and smiled. “Fine isn’t it?”

“Yes, very fine. I should go.” Twist straightened up from the fence and Athaba nodded. They said good bye, and Twist entered the city.

Walking towards his home, he saw a wagon parked outside the Three Sister’s inn. It was covered, so he couldn’t see it’s contents. But on the seat in the front there lay a cat. The cat was spotted and had a few stripes in it’s face, and around it’s neck there hung an amethyst necklace. There was a ring in it’s ear, and a bracer on one of it’s hind legs. A puzzled expression covered Twist’s face. And then a female khajiit stepped out from the inn.

“Come now M’ethe.” She said. The cat, who had been looking at Twist until that moment leaped down from the wagon and up in her arms. Then she noticed the argonian.

“Yes, would you like to buy something?” She said with a smile.

“Are you a merchant?” Twist asked, dumbstruck, and the female laughed.

“Yes. I’ve got armor, weapons, books, jewelry and many other things. I’m quite sure you could find something you like.” She said, her smile suddenly honest.

“Excuse me, but I was merely looking at the cat. It seems a bit odd to put jewelry on a pet.” He said awkwardly. Her smile disappeared, and she frowned.

“He’s not a mere cat. He’s my son.” She said. “And his name is M’ethe.”

“Oh, so he is an alfiq then? I’m sorry.” Twist said, walking closer.

“Have heard of the alfiq’s and knows how to appologise. That’s not something I’d have expected from an argonian. My name is S’iniith.” She said then, the smile back on her lips, and they shook hands.

“I’m He-Twists-His-Tail, or Twist for short.” Twist answered, and for a moment their eyes met.

"Well Twist, it was nice meeting you. But I need to unpack now if you’re not looking to buy something.” She said. He nodded and gave her a last look before continuing to his shack. She looked after him until M’ethe called for her attention, and then she carried him inside before she started to take in those things that she needed.


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mALX
post Oct 1 2010, 03:25 PM
Post #6


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From: Cyrodiil, the Wastelands, and BFE TN



It may have started off rocky, but there may end up being a friendship there - hopefully! (lol) Great Write !!!


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saqin
post Dec 11 2010, 01:21 PM
Post #7


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Joined: 22-September 09
From: Stockholm, Sweden



Finally managed to finish the next chapter, sorry for letting you wait for so long.

Chapter three

“The party is in the three sisters inn. The sisters offered to let us have it there for free, though we'll have to pay for the food.” Twist looked up when Amusei placed himself on his bed and spoke. Though he'd just awoken his gaze was clear, and he nodded slowly.

“There will be a lot of people there since we're also celebrating the end of the oblivion crisis, but the more the better right?” Amusei smiled quite smugly when he stood up again.

Twist got up from his bed and dressed in some wool clothing, then he went to the other room to eat.

“Sorry Twist, I've got to go now. You're not really going to wear that to the party are you?” Amusei smiled, teasing his friend.

“As a matter of fact that's just what I'm going to do. Were you intending to wear anything better?” Twist said while taking some bread.

“I'm going to wear my finest wool shirt.” Amusei laughed. “Well, I couldn't go and fetch something now, could I? That would look suspicious. Twist chuckled when Amusei walked out the door after having finished speaking. He took one of his books with him outside when he'd finished eating, and with it he sat down by one of the ponds in Leyawiin to read.

* * *

He took a deep breath as he stepped out through the door onto the porch of the inn. It wasn't much of a porch, simply the slightly raised sidewalk that followed the houses in Leyawiin.

The evening sky shone brightly with stars and the cold air was humid. Twists breath looked slightly white when he exhaled and he put his arms around himself.

Then he spun around when a noise was heard next to the door. She wore an olive colored shirt and a pair of tan pants where she leaned against the wall, and she was looking right at him.

“Sorry. It was not my intention to startle you.” She said, walking to stand next to him.

“No damage done. S'iinith right?” Twist said, and the khajiit female smiled.

“Yes. If I've understood it correctly, you're one of the reasons to why they're celebrating. But why aren't you inside?” S'iinith asked, gesturing toward the house.

“I just needed some air, and yes, they are celebrating my acceptance to the arcane university. I don't know if it's such a big thing but it's been a while since we had this much to be happy about.” He said, and his eyes did not leave hers for a single moment. They stood silently, merely looking at each other for several minutes.

“I am leaving for the Imperial city tomorrow. I'm going along the east road and... and I wondered if you'd like to travel with me. It's a dangerous road and I can't afford a guard, but I can give you food to eat and a fire to sleep by. I know...” She said, but he interrupted her.

“I would... that would be good. Traveling with someone, I mean.” She smiled when he finished.

“I'll see you tomorrow then.” She turned for the door, but he made a motion to put his hand on her shoulder.

“S'iinith I...” His gaze met the yellow eyes of the young cat in the doorway when he looked around briefly, and he stopped.

“Yes?” She looked back at him.

“Never mind. I'll see you tomorrow.” He said, and with a last smile she went inside. He stood there for a while, but then he returned to the party.


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mALX
post Dec 11 2010, 07:05 PM
Post #8


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Great Write !!! And I must say ... I am becoming rapidly hooked on your signature blog, lol !!!!!


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saqin
post Dec 24 2010, 11:31 AM
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smile.gif Here comes something I wasn't intending to show until the next chapter, but it's taking so long, and I reallllllyyyyyyyyy want you guys to see it. Though it might be a bit of a spoiler, but honestly, the title of the story is just as big of a spoiler. Um, I should stop argumenting with myself... But then again, this should be the perfect christmas present. So, from me to you, have a very good christmas!(DON'T YOU DARE TO BE GRUMPY TODAY!)

At the very least, I ended up being very happy with it


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mALX
post Dec 24 2010, 01:32 PM
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QUOTE(saqin @ Dec 24 2010, 05:31 AM) *

smile.gif Here comes something I wasn't intending to show until the next chapter, but it's taking so long, and I reallllllyyyyyyyyy want you guys to see it. Though it might be a bit of a spoiler, but honestly, the title of the story is just as big of a spoiler. Um, I should stop argumenting with myself... But then again, this should be the perfect christmas present. So, from me to you, have a very good christmas!(DON'T YOU DARE TO BE GRUMPY TODAY!)

At the very least, I ended up being very happy with it




GAAAAAH!!! I knew there was chemistry between S'iniith and He-Twists-His-Tail !!!!! Awesome drawing, you have a real talent - I saw some you did on the "FanArt" section here already (plus your avatars)!! Happy Holidays !!!


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Acadian
post Jan 26 2011, 03:38 AM
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S'iinith and Twists (and little M'ethe the alfiq) are all adorable! tongue.gif

This is developing as a lovely story! I like how you have explained that the Oblivion Crisis has just ended. I can't wait to read about how they get along on the road north.


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Grits
post Jan 30 2011, 05:05 AM
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I’m enjoying your story! I like that the Oblivion crisis is just part of the background. I had to look up alfiq, and now I want to learn more about Khajiit. smile.gif


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saqin
post Feb 26 2011, 05:11 PM
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Finally finished! I know it took a long time, but it's important that the author is happy with it, right?

mALX: Thanks biggrin.gif

Acadian: Thank you, you'll find out now

Grits: Thanks, putting this story after the end of the Oblivion crisis was good I think, now I get to really work on making the relationships and characters in this story sound reasonable, and it is annoying to run across daedra all the time. I'm going to give my characters as little trouble as possible, though there has to be some trouble considering what they are.

Chapter four

The air of the early morning still clung on to the nights cold, and he shivered slightly, pulling his green robe further around himself. His steps barely made any sound on the stones as he hurried towards the east gate.

He smiled slightly upon seeing the wagon standing there, with the female khajiit securing ropes and knots, and occasionally stroking the neck of the white horse. The horse turned its head, and neighed upon seeing him. This in turn, caused the khajiit to look at him.

“I were afraid you'd be late.” She said when he came closer, taking the reins of the horse, and stepping up into the wagon.

“No need.” He answered, putting his one bag in the wagon, and getting up next to her. She smiled slightly at the answer.

“Where is Amusei? I was under the impression that he is your friend.” She took a last look around before smooching the horse, who set of at a trot.

“He is sleeping, I did not want to disturb him.” He shivered, and rubbed his arms. He looked over at S'iinith, who hadn't dressed warmer than him but seemed to have no problems at all with the cold. She saw his look, and smiled.

“Are you looking forward to studying magic?” Her words were kind though her eyes stuck to the road, and Twist looked at her for a moment. The stones of the road were roughly cut, and the wagon shook a lot.

“Yes, I am. It might sound strange, but I feel as if though my life is slipping away beneath my feet, and I've got to do something about it before it's to late.” He said, she simply nodded and a moments later M'ethe came out of the wagon and put himself between them. Twist cautiously put his hand on the Alfiq and petted him, and when M'ethe began to purr both Twist and S'iinith smiled.

“He seems to like you.” Her comment were said quickly and it was barely more than a murmur, but Twist heard the confusion in her voice. But he did nothing but wonder as they carried on.

* * *

The fire stretched high into the sky, as if intending to take the stars down. Twist and S'iinith sat a few feet apart, eating venison, potatoes and crab meat. M'ethe had gotten a bowl of his own on the other side of the fire, but he'd finished it a while ago, and now he was dozing. The sky was lit with stars, and clearest of all the constellations was the lover.

“So, what caused you to come to Cyrodiil? You don't seem very happy here.” Twist said, suddenly breaking the silence. Having finished her meal, S'iinith sighed and laid down on the ground before answering.

“Oh I like it here, it's just that... Well, I came to Cyrodiil a few years ago with my mate. He'd been offered a job in the county of Kvatch to collect taxes and take care of the economy. Both of us were from Elsweyr, and we were the third children in our families so we could not expect any heritage. My elder brothers both joined the military, and when I left my younger sister were being trained to become a bodyguard and follow in our parents footsteps. I don't know if she ever liked the idea, but I've never been much of a fighter, and what little money our parents has will eventually pass to my brothers.

“We had a good life in Kvatch for a few years, but then the daedra invasion began. My mate was killed when the daedra stormed Kvatch. Me and M'ethe took what little we had and left, I haven't looked back since. And I still think about him.” She paused, and a single tear rolled from her eye. But then she wiped it away, and half sat to look at Twist. “Why are you here?”

“I came from Black Marsh originally. However, my parents were told that I was supposed to become a Shadowscale, and apart from most others, they didn't like assassins. So they fled, bringing me with them. But when they reached Leyawiin they got sick. Personally I think they were poisoned, but who'd have believed a small child? Anyways my parents were buried and I were taken in by the bookstore owner and when I came of age I helped in the store. That's were I gained my interest for magic and learning.” He smiled slightly at the end, and looked at her.

“I'm sorry.” S'iinith said, M'ethe had now fallen asleep, and the only sounds hear able in the thick of night were the sparking of the fire and the wind sighing in the trees.

“It does not matter any longer, I never knew them. I should excuse myself, you seem very young to be a widow already.” The cloth of his apprentice's robe rustled slightly as he shifted closer to her.

“Those things are beyond our control. At least I still have M'ethe.” She looked over at the boy as she spoke, his legs were moving slightly, as if he had a dream of playing or hunting, and it caused her smile to broaden before she looked back at Twist. And there it was. Much potent than before, shining from his eyes, causing her heart to flutter. But it wasn't right was it, the feelings shouldn't be there.

Twist arose then, walked over to her in silence, and sat down next to her. She barely breathed as he took her hand in his, and the cold around them seemed to dissipate. When he put his hand around her neck, she did not protest. Her mind screamed that the scales brushing against her skin should not be there, but she answered his kiss none the less.

“It's wrong.” Her voice was nothing more than a whisper, a last objection from her brain before it was pushed away by the heart.

“I know.” Twist answered as they paused in their kiss, but neither of them stopped, neither of them could deny what their hearts craved, and so it came about that in that one night, they bound themselves to each other in a way that even the gods couldn't deny their love...

This post has been edited by saqin: Feb 27 2011, 08:35 AM


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haute ecole rider
post Feb 26 2011, 08:09 PM
Post #14


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Joined: 16-March 10
From: The place where the Witchhorses play



Oh hey, I like where this story takes us. The background on the two main characters are well-thought out, and gives me a good inkling of their motivations and their drives. The development of the romance is likewise done well, with a light touch - just enough to let me know it's there, but not overly so much that I'm groaning at the recycled clichés that populate just about every Harlequin book ever published.

I did catch a couple of nits at the beginning of the chapter, so I shall humbly point them out:

QUOTE
The horse turned it's head, and neighed upon seeing him.
Its? It's? It can be tough remembering which is which. Which is why I think of it this way: its is the exception to the possessive rule that all possessive nouns get an apostrophe. It's like you and yours, it is it and its. The only time its gets an apostrophe is when it's a contraction of it is. Clear as mud?

QUOTE
“Where is Amusei? I was under the impression that he is your friend.” She asked then, taking a last look around before inciting the horse, whom set of at a trot.

There are a couple of things that jump out at me in this sentence. One is the difficulty you have in following dialogue with the quandary to capitalize or not capitalize? The correct punctuation here would be: "Where is Amusei? I was under the impression that he is your friend," she asked then, taking a last look . . . Here the end sentence of her dialogue should end in a comma, followed by the speech tag she asked then, which should not be capitalized. Alternatively, if you want to end the dialogue with a period, drop the speech tag. Like this: "Where is Amusei? I was under the impression that he is your friend." She took a last look . . .

Another thing that jumped out at me is the term inciting. To me, to incite means to inspire rage in another. That isn't quite what S'iinith did to the horse, is it? Seems to me she asked him or prompted him or coaxed him to move on. Specifically (and I'm drawing on my own equine experience here), she slapped the reins against his rump, touched him with the tip of the whip, or smooched him. Those are the physical cues (personally I prefer smooching - most horses respond well to calm cues) commonly used when driving horses.

And thirdly the last few words of the sentence are very awkward. Instead of the horse, whom set of at a trot., you want to say the horse, who set off at a trot. This is something every spell check program will miss, every time. Us humans too, if we're rereading this for the umpteenth time!

Keep in mind these are technical nits. I really don't see anything wrong with your writing style or your character development - you already shine in those areas. I'd like to see you keep this story up as far as you can take it! Good writing! goodjob.gif

This post has been edited by haute ecole rider: Feb 26 2011, 08:11 PM


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mALX
post Feb 27 2011, 06:50 AM
Post #15


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From: Cyrodiil, the Wastelands, and BFE TN



GAAAAAH !!! This needs to be added to the chapter!!!




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What a wonderful scene you painted in this chapter - FINALLY !!!! ROFL !!! Awesome Write !!!


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saqin
post Feb 27 2011, 08:31 AM
Post #16


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From: Stockholm, Sweden



haute ecole rider: The thing about its and it's, is that I'm not a native english speaker, and my english teachers have told me that its is not a word. I've since realized that it is, but because of that I mix it up a lot.

I had a feeling that there was something wrong with the sentence that you pointed out. I'll admit that I used a translater to find the word inciting but I'll change that now. Thanks for all of the good critisism! smile.gif

mALX:Thank you tongue.gif


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haute ecole rider
post Feb 27 2011, 02:51 PM
Post #17


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From: The place where the Witchhorses play



Saquin, you have a wonderful grasp of the English language! The thing with the it's and its is difficult even for native English speakers! This is a hard language to learn because it has rules and breaks them all over the place (Like SubRosa's Pappy). So let me respectfully correct your English teachers and tell you that its is indeed a word, when used as a possessive. But that is the only acceptable usage of the word. Otherwise, it's it's.

If you're familiar enough with the English language, I would suggest you use an English dictionary like the Oxford English Dictionary or the Merriman-Webster version. Both are good at helping you differentiate between similar words. A thesaurus is also invaluable - I use it all the time in my writing to find related words (preferably with as few syllables as possible).

I'm usually good at spotting those who have English as a second (or even third!) language, and I didn't see that in your writing. So you're already very good at it. Keep it up, and remember learning English is a lifetime project, even for native English speakers. I think your writing is already so much better than about 75 percent of the Americans here who can barely figure the difference between bale and bail.


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saqin
post Mar 10 2011, 07:22 PM
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Joined: 22-September 09
From: Stockholm, Sweden



haute ecole rider: Thanks smile.gif I really like english as a language just because it's got so many different words. That english has been influenced by the swedish language(though long ago) only makes it more fun. I still remember going to Scotland last summer and seing a sign on which "Knapp" was the name of a place.(Knapp is the swedish word for button)

I think my school has Oxfords English dictionaries, but I'll have to get one myself eventually, and a thesaurus. Once again, thanks. No one has said that before. smile.gif


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