The Tale Of Jerrick, Chapter 1 Options

[Shinnok]

My name is Jerrick Ettiene, son of Claude Ettiene and Arrielle Ettiene. I am Breton born and raised in High Rock. I had few luxuries for my father was a Fisherman. We lived in a small cottage near the Bjoulsae River living off the fish my father caught. At the age of 12 my father let me go hunt in the forests to provide for my Mother who fell ill. That's when it all started.
I was 18 and I left to the forests when I found a dead guard against a tree stump, horrified I ran foward to see barbarians ripping each others flesh off. Next to the gruesome onslaught were dozens of dead guards.
There remained only one of these madmen he checked to see if anyone one else stood in the forest and he saw me. I jumped forward ready for battle, he circled around me waiting for the right time to strike. But anxiety took the best of me and I rushed towards him axe in hand. Before I could start my Hack N
Slash tactic he kicked me in chest sending me flying backwards.
I fell nearly 10 feet away from where I was. Know I knew the measure of his strength . I waited for him to attack this time. He lunged towards me so I rolled to the side and plunged my axe into his shoulder he howled in pain but with another kick I again went flying. Acting quickly he ran to strike a final blow but I hid behind a tree into which he jumped face first paralyzing him for a few seconds.
I punched him in the face trying to get in any hit I could, trying make his nose bleed and pop his eardrums. He fell I picked my axe from his shoulder and plunged it into his head killing him.

[The Metal Mallet]

Not too bad a beginning; it looks like our main character knows how to fight. Also these barbarians seem like a dangerous threat.

Just a couple of suggestions:

First off, I would suggest you keep updating on this thread, do not keep making new threads for each update on your story. We don't mind if after a few thread pages (usually a minimum of three) that you start a new thread if it signifies a new "chapter" but we definitely recommend you keep posting on this thread you created.

Also, when writing on forums, it's better to avoid using indents and instead opt for putting a blank line in between each paragraph. That way us readers don't have to look at what looks like one large chuck of text, which makes it easier to read.


Again, this starting looks promising. Hopefully we'll get to see some character development in the next update. Until then!

[jack cloudy]

What Mallet said. I am wondering what caused those bandits to act like that. (and why the guards intervened. Really, I don't think they would mind if the bandits began killing each other. Meh, the guards must have berserked somehow as well.)

Just one minor nitpick. You said near the beginning that Jerrick went out into the forest to hunt. An axe doesn't seem like an effective hunting weapon to me. Then again, maybe he was out for wood this time. That can be called a hunt if you look at it from a particular direction.

[slash147]

I dont know what to write cause im dumb but I guess it was pretty good.

[Shinnok]

Behind the dead bandit were two swords covered in a blue silk. The silk was spioled by the bloodstains but the swords were perfectly clean.
I picked the swords from the ground and read the inscription on each " Fang of Akatosh ". " Die"! I turned my head to see another barbarian running towards. I stood up and in self defense pointed the swords towards the barbarian. And as he ran towards me the swords impaled him through both arms. Feeling strength I threw him to the ground and impaled him through the chest.
As another barbarian kicked me in the chest I went flying.

[Tulustan]

Pretty good, at least I like it so far.

[Shinnok]

I fell to the ground writhing in pain, as the barbarian came for another hit . I dodged by rolling on my side but there was no other alternative. I had to run.

He pulled out a battle axe and made a forward strike, I blocked by putting my short swords in a scissor shape and in the struggle kicked him in the chest and ran.

Gracefully I ran through the forests hiding from anything that could possibly be dangerous. As I almost reached my home I felt a sharp pain in my chest thinking that it was just a cramp .

After 10 minutes the pain became excrutiating I looked down too see two arrows that pierced through my stomach.

[Tulustan]

Two arrows in your gut, what a way to ruin not only your day but your life even!

[jack cloudy]

Aye, arrows are messy. Running with them for ten minutes is even more messy. Hmm, is there a medic around? I sure hope so.

[The Metal Mallet]

Yuk! Dying from a stomach wound is one of the most slow and painful ways to go. I do hope he seeks aid very soon.

[Shinnok]

I knew my chances of survival were close to none. And trail of blood hundreds of feet long followed and the barbarian would follow trail and take the last shot.

But I would just let my self get killed I had to stand up for myself. I slowly took out one of the arrows, the wound was large and I knew little to nothing about restoration. I knew about alchemy but I didnt have any of my equipment and even if I did have them I couldnt find all the necassary ingredients before I died of blood loss.

I removed the other arrow the pain was less but I still had 2 big holes in my chest so I shouldn't be happy right now. I knew I would die soon but I had to take the bandits with me. I stood up and picked up my short swords.

A shadowy figure was visble it came closer and closer I knew it was the barbarian. I put my swords in a defensive position ready to stand my ground.

When he arrived he already had his battle axe in hand. He slashed but I ducked ( it was more out of luck than skill the because of the blood loss I barely had any balance and I fell ) .

" Ahhhhhhhhhhhh" the barbarian howled in pain as he held his shoulder in place he had been shot with an arrow.

[Shinnok]

Sorry for the grammatical errors.

[Tulustan]

ooh who is the helper and why. Arrows hurt gotta hate those bad boys at least it wasnt barbed...

[jack cloudy]

It might not be a helper. Arrow from out of nowhere? Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Didn't our protagonist get a bunch of arrows from nowhere earlier? It could be a berserking archer who shoots everything that moves. A well, I guess Shinnok will reveal all in due time.

[Tulustan]

... that is a good point well i guess we will see I hope at least.

[Shinnok]

The Barbarian held his shoulder together as another arrow came flying and dug into his ribcage. He dropped to the floor and in seconds died.

I saw the dark haired imperial whom was my savior running in legion armor " move !" . I saw an arrow coming straight towards me so I rolled behind a tree and it made contact with it.

The archer that made a big hole in my chest came out of shadows sword in hand towards the imperial. He loaded his bow and fired. It landed in his neck instantly killing him.

He looked me with a vague expression " Marcus Travius ". Then I recognized him " I saw you getting killed by the barbarians" I said. " Nearly, they almost cut me in half with a battle axe, my torso was hanging on a hinge luckily I one of the best healers stationed in Fort Moonroth". " Watch ".

He put his hands on my chest and there was a blue glow in a few seconds the wounds started to heal and in minutes completly vanished.

" Now take me to your home I could a home cooked meal and some rest".

[Shinnok]

I dragged Marcus through the woods to my home. The forests were dense in High Rock but I grew to know them well. Finally I caught sight of my cozy little cottage.

When I went inside I greeted my parents happily. Marcus introduced himself and shaked my fathers hand. My father was not particularly fond of guards. He was once arrested for three weeks for swimming in the Emperors " Property ".

I took him to the kitchen for supper. Unfortunately in my ordeal I couldnt catch anything, so we all ate Red coil fish a prety common fish in these waters.

After eating two fish I showed Marcus to the guest bed. " Marcus, do you know why those barbarians were killing each other ?". " For those pretty swords you've been holding the whole time". " Why? ". " Dont know, these theives were checking through the crates of a moonsugar shipment when they found two swords". " We were sent in to do a simple job arrest them and take the moon sugar as evidence".

" But when they found the swords they went berserk and killed everybody except me ". Which is why I am surprized to see your alive". You are strong, and kind I wouldnt of expected you to feed me and give me a bed".

" Which is why I want to train you to become an imperial guard".

[Shinnok]

I know the story so far has been, how should I put this. Bad! But its still in the introduction and Im not used to it so bare with me please.

[Taillus]

The story really has potential but there is nothing wrong with slowing down a tad and describing things as well as possible. Paint us all a picture in our minds of what is happening. Describe the house you are staying at. Describe how the imperial looks. Describe anything that you think needs describing and it will beef up your story tons! I hope you don't take any of this as me calling down your work. Like I said above, the story is definately well on its way, just a bit of advise to make things flow so much nicer. Give it a try and I know this will add the little bit that is missing from an otherwise perfect storyline!

[Shinnok]

I looked at his at Marcus for a few seconds in amazement. I an Imperial Guard, I had no skill no experience with such things.

'" I will be your mentor until you become a full fledged guard ". I looked at the imperial once again and as if my eyes were asking him if this was true he nodded and said " Pack up. we have a long way to go ".

I got a large bag and began to pack. Pieces of Bread and fish, alchemy equipment and empty containers , clothing and of course my two new blades. I put on my nicest clothes a Blue silk robe which I recieved when I turned sixteen and went outside.

My parents were waiting there " good luck " they said in tears as we went off.

I knew I would miss my old house. Not that I really enjoy being poor and putting on rags most of time. But the history. The green walls, the brown bug infested rug, the tiny rooms, the dining room , the outhouse that hasnt been cleaned since I was born were all part of me for all of my life and now they were gone.

We walked east for several hours apparently there was a small settlement nearby because it was night time, and apparently no one brought a sleeping bag.

And I was correct there was a settlement Vantara it was called. We walked into the nearest inn and sat down.

"Ok now remember this cas this is something you will be doing alot when your a guard". " Whats that ". Two beers called the bartender . " Drinking ".

He grabbed it and drank it in seconds " Dont worry, its liquid bread. I started to drink it and in seconds I was done. " Damn kid, your an alcoholic ".

After a few more rounds Marcus was asleep and I was screaming obsenities at a stool. Then a large nordic man came in. And apparently started making rude remarks to the the ladys. One of the girls husbands stood up to the nordic man but he stabbed him.

Even the bouncer was killed by him but in an instant my drunkenness went away as I grabbed my sword I realized . It must have been the sword that woke me up what else could it have been. And in exchange for this I'll get a bigger hangover than I should.

I walked up to the man. " Sir you have commited murder, a crime punishible ny death. He tried to slash at me but I blocked and stabbed him in the throat.

The ladys applauded me. As I went upstairs and carried Marcus on my back.

Luckily there were 2 beds.

This post has been edited by Shinnok: Apr 22 2007, 11:18 PM