The Tale Of Jerrick, Chapter 1 Options

[jack cloudy]

Hmm, interesting sword that is. I personally wouldn't applaud though when three guys were just killed.

As for my own suggestion, I suggest that you read your update at least one time before posting. I see a few mistakes in grammar and all which can make a fine story less enjoyable than it should. One time reading is not enough to get them all out, but it works really good for me.

[Shinnok]

Thanks for the tip, I actually read through it afterwards so I cant correct anything.

[Shinnok]

I awoke early in the morning the birds outside chirping gleefully. I quickly changed into my silk robe and and woke up Marcus.

" What " he said. " Well, three people died yesterday while you were in a drunken daze ". " And I assume you handled it". " Yes" I replied.

" It was a nord ". " Nords are dangerous there as strong as orcs ". " After a long conversation we left our room. Unfortunately I was only able to eat a pear so I was hungry.

" A carriage is coming" he said. " How did you schedule that ?" I asked. "It was supposed to pick up my unit but there all dead so its picking up you and me".

It was scheduled 45 minutes from now so we waited patiently. Finally a large wooden carriage dragged by 4 horses. It had room for 20 men which I assumed was the purpose. It also had food for 20 men, so as I gorged myself on the food in stock Marcus explained what would happen.

" You'll be stationed at Fort Moonroth and be sleeping in a dormitory with 9 other men ". In a few moments we arrived".

[Shinnok]

It was enourmous covering thousands of acres of landscape . It was like a palace so big even the incredibally large walls only covered the bottom section. There were also sentinal towers on each side of the wall.

" Impressive wouldn't you say ". he said with a grin. We walked up to the front gate as he called out what I assumed was the password. " Lab Golom ".

" Any specific reason for the password " I asked. " Its Molog Bal spelled backwards , Molog Bal is the Daedric Prince of War and Destruction ".

Satisfied with my answer we walked into the main hall. The interior was not nearly as nice as the exterior. Just ragged carpet and mold covered walls. He first dragged me to to the dormitory which was a large room with 5 beds. I saw a light haired bosmer coming towards me. He seemed very young or was it that elves could live for 100 years. He wasnt dressed in imperial armor so I assumed he was a new recruit like me.

" Hello" . " My name is Thoron Carmir ".

Then a blonde nord came up to me. "Hello my name is Vilfred Jagard ".

Then a pale Dark Elf " My name is Galvon Redoron ". he said in a snive tone.

Then a cocky High Elf " My name is Erandur Aicantar " .

An Imperial " My names is Arman Gallidus ".

An Argonian " My name is Silver-Heart".

An Orc " Grozon gro Guron.

A Redguard " Carlos Andre ".

And finally a Khajit " My name is Ra'Jarr S'rasha.

After the large introduction take took me on a tour.

[minque]

Yup you´re improving a great deal! One suggestion though, try to post a bit longer instead of making two short posts directly after one another....it´s quite ok with a bit longer posts you know!

[Shinnok]

I apologize to those who appreciate my story for my absense. My brother and I have a linkys cable so my brother got a virus from an " adult video " and because of that so did I.

So we had to reboot my computer and install everything again.

Once again I apologize and i will try to have an update in by tomorrow.

[Shinnok]

I stepped into the quarters of General Addantus a very tall imperial, one his most visible features was the long scar running down his left cheek.

And though he was a general in the imperial army he was no older than 30.

“ Marcus, what is your status ?” he asked

“ The Moonsugar operation was successful, but there were many casualties”.

“ How many casualties”.

“ All of the men sent other than me”.

“ What!”.

“ Sir, the bandits went insane somehow they became stronger more agile, they killed everyone. But this young man without any prior training was able to kill 3 bandits”.

“ Young Man, what is your name”. he asked

“ Jerrick Ettiene”.

Marcus explained to General Addantus how he wanted to train me as a new recruit.

Then General Addantus reached into his desk with his long elegant fingers and pulled out a large registration a quill and ink.

I signed my name on the top and continued to fill out the form.

It also required me to sign my class, I chose the battle mage class with the Major skills being Blade, Heavy Armor, Alteration, Mysticism, Destruction, Restoration and Alchemy

“ Tomorrow you will receive training but until then get some rest and get to know the rest of the recruits”.

As I left Marcus called me “ Come with me we are going to go eat”.

This post has been edited by Shinnok: Apr 30 2007, 01:59 AM

[Shinnok]

I had to turn down his offer since I just gorged myself on half of the supplies on the carriage. I was able to guide myself to the dormitory.

The only one there was Silver-Heart the Argonian. He was reading through a large journal.

" Good Day". he said " Im reading through my journal".

" Journal ?"

" Yes". " I keep a journal of what happens in the Imperial Fortress, what I learned what my missions are and im also going to turn it into a quest log".

He searched through his chest and pulled out another book.

" Here, you can have one".

I happilly accepted the gift and began a conversation.

" So how is it that you came to High Rock? ".

" My family was originally captured from Black Marsh , they were taken to Morrowind and enslaved ". My mother was bought by a rich argonian from High Rock, freed from slavery and married the same argonian".
" Unfortunately my father was killed by a bandit raid, but the guards were able to save me and my mother". "Thats why I became a guard ".

" Im sorry for your loss".

" I was only six years old at the time, but i've grown to accept it and not be saddened ".

" And where are the rest of the recruits " I asked.

" Thier at dinner, I assume".

I was tired so I ate a small meal off the night table and fell asleep.

The next day I awoke in a daze, fortunately I was up in time to eat breakfast and get to my training sessions .

I went to the meal hall and sat next to Silver-Heart and Galvon the Dark Elf.

I spoke with Galvon, he was raised in Skyrim by his Parents who had moved there as Black Smiths. Apparently it was much more profitable there than in there home province Morrowind.

He moved here to become an Imperial Guard.

I ate my meal of Kwama Eggs and read my journal to see which was my first training session.

" My first training session is Alteration".

" I'll take you there its my first class today too" said Silver-Heart.

He lead me outside to the training grounds where another Argonian was waiting for us.

We stood at attention.

" Alteration is the art of changing reality, walking on water making barriers of energy out of nothing that is Alteration, today you will learn how to create a smalll shield".

He shot a small lightning bolt at and I nearly fell down.

" Now unless you can block it i'm going to do that a lot more".

[The Metal Mallet]

Sounds like training is going to be rough given how the instructors are all ready shooting lightning at their recruits. I can imagine Jerrick is going to end up stiff and sore each day. I guess being an Imperial Guard isn't easy.

I myself would suggest to separate people talking with a new paragraph. I find it hard to follow who is saying what from time to time. By separating each different person talking with a paragraph it's easier to follow.

Hope that helps!

[Shinnok]

I was dazed because of the lightning bolt that struck my abdomen. But I listened attentively to my instructor.

" Alteration is all about mental concentration ". he said. " Though it sounds vague its all you need to know". " Imagine yourself holding a shield then channel your magicka into your arm".

Luckily I was a fast learner so when he shot the lightning I was able to deflect it with minimal effort.

" Amazing, you were able to do it in one try". " You are dismissed".

" Silver-Heart are most training sessions that short" I asked.

" No, its just luck".

I went back to the dormitory to check off my journal and rest. I read through my journal and saw my next training session was in melee combat.

________________________________________________________________________________
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This was the intended to be the ending of the last post but I forgot the edit button existed.

This post has been edited by Shinnok: Jun 2 2007, 04:59 PM

[The Metal Mallet]

Well reading it makes me remember another little helping hint for ya. It deals with the way you're using your quotation marks. (" ")

Take this sentence for example:

" Amazing, you were able to do it in one try". " You are dismissed".

Since both sentences are the words of the character, you only need one set of quotation marks. One that starts before Amazing, the one after Dismissed. You would only do it the way you did above if you have some narration inbetween the sentences. I'll so you an example:

"Amazing, yo wer able to do it in one try," the instructor said in shock, "You are dismissed."


The stuff that aren't the words the character is actually saying don't have quotation marks around them, so both sentences in this case need quotations around them.


Other than that, keep up the good work. Hope my advice helps.

[Shinnok]

Wow, I never seem to hit the nail on the head but after a month long absence you cant realy blame me now. Thanks for the help

[Lord Revan]

There usually isn't a space between the first (") and the first letter of the sentence, either.

[Shinnok]

I was lead by Marcus to the training ground. He left me at the gate and walked through.

I found a large Imperial wielding a Claymore hacking at a target.

We made eye contact and he greeted me.

" Good day " he said in a kind tone. " I assume you are Jerrick our new recruit ".

" Yes " I replied

" According to these documents you chose Heavy Armor and Blade as your melee combat skills , well go into the armory and get your equipment".

I put on a full suit of Iron Armor minus helmet, and grabbed a Chitin Longsword.

I went outside and my instructor spoke to me.

" Your first test is a life or death situation ".

" What ".

" Your fighting a prisoner if he dies you pass if not you dont, its a brutal test of strength".

I drew my sword and stood in defensive position, the prisoner charged at me and tried to stab at my chest. I knocked his sword out of his hand with a quick blow right before he struck me.

He went to the floor to get his sword but I impaled him through the back and in a few seconds he was dead.

I felt no remorse because I knew as an Imperial Guard because I had to be able to kill criminals and the prisoner was nothing but a common criminal to me.

My instructor was in shock from the speed of the trial and I was dismissed.

Because all my training sessions were only a few minutes long it was still early in the afternoon so I decided to take a stroll in the garden and collect a few ingredients for potions.

When I stepped into the garden I saw an endless stream of beauty and color from the flora. I walked through collecting everything I could carry from common flowers to some that looked like there were not this world.

I went back to the dormitory and put both the ingredients and my Alchemy equipment on a desk and made potions from that time until nightfall. I planned on selling later.

I was very tired so I changed into my robe and went to sleep.

[jack cloudy]

Holy frick! That is just brutal! At first I thought it was a joke, but no way. The 'hero' seems to have adapted quite readily to it though. Frankly, I'm kinda doubting if I should call him a hero. My definition of hero is a bit more reluctant to kill. Ah well, it gives an interesting take on the guards. A rather bloodthirsty take perhaps, but still a take. (What the heck, that last sentence didn't come out right.)

And a tip from me is to watch the end of the sentences during dialogue, you have the habit of doing this.
"I say hello".
The point needs to come before the quotationmarks, like this.
"I say hello."

You also tend to forget the questionmark during a question.

Hope this helps.

[treydog]

It is great to see you back and see you still working on the story. These guys don't fool around with training, do they? Either you have what it takes to kill on command or you are out.... Makes sense- in a brutal way.

[Lord Revan]

On would think alteration is more complex than just willing something to happen..... Oh well, we can just say Jerrik is a natural.

[Shinnok]

He is a pure Breton so things just come naturally

[Shinnok]

I woke up early in the morning to eat my breakfast. Again I sat next to Silver-Heart and Galvon whom had become my closest friends while there.

I opened my journal and saw I had no training sessions that day, so I decided to go to General Addantus to see
if he had any missions suitable for me.

" You want a mission ? ".

I nodded.

" Well sure, go look in there." He pointed at a large chest in the right corner of the room ".

I looked inside to see a huge mound of gold going up to about half the chest.

" Last week it was twice as much , I want you to see who has been stealing from my personal finances ".

" What would be a good estimate of how much they stole ?". I asked

" 4000 gold pieces , theres only one clue they left fur so its ofcourse a khajit."

He handed me a peace of parchment that had the names of all the khajit that were stationed here 10 were recruits and 1 was the Illusion instructor.

" For this I will give you 200 gold pieces". and I left off to complete my mission.

I first went to Ra'kar another recruit, since I found no way to be subtle so I had to be forward with him.

" Did you hear about the thefts from General Addantus is office ?".

" Yes " he replied " Whenever I go near General Addantus he looks at me with disdain like I did it ".

He seemed to be telling the truth but there was still a chance it was him, so during lunch I snuck into his dormitory and went through his chest.

He had no gold so I checked his name off my list and continued.

[Lord Revan]

With the words "constructive critism" in mind: There are never spaces between (" ") quotation marks and the speech. "Its" is possessive, while "it's" means the same as "it is." It is stolen -or- It's stolen, for example.

I'm just attempting to help out without being borderline harsh.