Cheesecake, My first fan-fic. Options

[Dire Cheesecake]

The moons hung high in the sky as Delila locked the door to the bakery. It had been a long day and she found herself nodding off as she walked down the deserted streets to her home. Not really paying attention to where she was going, she was suddenly jolted awake when she tripped on a lose cobblestone. A sharp pain shot through her ankle and she nearly fell flat on her face, barely catching herself on the wall of a nearby building. “Ouch.” She complained, as she looked down at her foot. It didn’t seem as if it were broken, probably just twisted it the wrong way. She sighed, “What a way to end a day. At least I made some good business.”

She glanced up at the full Masser. As the clouds that had been covering Secunda from view moved aside, she spotted a strange silhouette atop a building ahead. She couldn’t make out much, except that the shape looked somehow bestial. Then suddenly, it moved. What seemed to be its head turned to face her and she heard a faint sniffing sound. That was enough for her and she ducked into a nearby alley as quickly as the pain in her leg would allow her.

She leaned against the wall, her heart racing. “Ok, calm down, Delila, that was nothing, you’re just hallucinating from overwork. That’s right, you’re just….going insane…” she shook her head, “Ahg, I need sleep.” She pushed off the wall and started limping down the alley, despite her rationalizations she couldn’t bring herself to step back out into the main street. Suddenly she heard it, it was just a whisper, yet somehow she could make out the words. “…hunger…” She stopped again and looked around, but she saw nothing. Shaking her head, she continued onward, reaching the end of the alley. Clouds had once again covered the moons as she peaked out onto another large street, looking both ways before stepping out of the alleyway. Just then, she heard a sound behind and above her, and she quickly looked in the direction. There, poking over the edge of the roof of the building behind her was a massive, furred head, with large ears, and eyes that glowed with an eerie white light.

That was when Delila panicked. Adrenaline coursed through her veins as she broke into a run. Ignoring the agony in her left ankle, she dashed for the alley across the street, after this, it was only one more block until the gate out of the Market District. “If only I can make it that far-” her thoughts were cut short when a massive shape flew over her head, bounced off the right wall of the alley, and landed in front of her. She stopped dead in her tracks, staring at the creature, though she found that in the dark she could make out nothing other than the shape of a large head, those glowing eyes, and pearly white, six inch long fangs coming from its mouth. It had in fact opened its mouth, and it uttered in a deep, growling voice; “Hungry.” Delila stood frozen with fear, despite a small voice in the back of her head, screaming at her to run, to do something, she was no warrior, or mage, just a baker’s assistant. She felt a strange sensation, and heard a rushing in her ears, as the world seemed to dim, and her legs started to shake. As darkness claimed her, she saw the face moving towards her.

[minque]

Hah! Sweet start, reminds me of The Beauty and the Beast.....Welcome to the gang of writers here.....Keep it coming please!

[~Jalnos~]

Nice story there. You mentioned she needed to get to the market district, doesn't that mean there would have been guards near by? Just wondering.
Otherwise great work, keep it coming!

[Lord Revan]

Yeah, fictions like this remind me about when I joined up last fall not so long ago. You're stories intriguing..... so far, keep it that way!

[Dire Cheesecake]

Actually, get out of the Market District. Yes there would usually be guards around, but let's just say she had the bad luck to miss all of them. Now I know what direction I'm going to take this next, but after that I'm not sure, oh well, I guess I'll just start writing and see where I go. Things are not as they seem, to say the least. Bearing that in mind, any criticism?

[blockhead]

Woah! Interesting start. Gets right down to the action: right away the reader is pulled in by the question "what happens next?"

Your style of writing reminds me of mine.

Good job!

I can't wait to see how the title relates to the story. Mmmmm, cheesecake. Do werewolves like cheesecake?

This post has been edited by blockhead: May 1 2007, 11:17 PM

[Dire Cheesecake]

Woah! Interesting start. Gets right down to the action: right away the reader is pulled in by the question "what happens next?"

Your style of writing reminds me of mine.

Good job!

I can't to see how the title relates to the story. Mmmmm, cheesecake. Do werewolves like cheesecake?

Well this was originally going to be a one part story with a silly twist at the end, that werewolves do in fact like cheesecake. But I decided to change it while I was writing, and by the time I finished I was very tired and couldn't think of a better title. Truth is, I'm not sure what I'm going to do beyond the next chapter.

This post has been edited by Dire Cheesecake: May 1 2007, 11:19 PM

[Dire Cheesecake]

Sorry, this one is much shorter. That's because I haven't gotten any farther than this in my own head, as the how the story will progress.



Be’Ghir watched the human woman expectantly. Waiting for some sort of reply, instead all he got was a soft gurgling noise. His ears twitched in surprise as the woman suddenly started to fall. The young Senche dashed quickly forward, catching her now limp form under his face, and lowering her to the ground. “Oh no, she’s dead! What did I do?! Oh no oh no oh no oh no! Oh Master, where are you? How did I get here? Wait, wait, I need to calm down.” He looked around at the quiet streets; no one was coming… yet. He lowered his head near to the woman’s; he could feel her breath on his wet nose. “Oh thank the moons! She’s alive! I’m not a murderer!” *gurgle* “Ow, oh, I’m so hungry. And she smells so nice, like cake.” Be’Ghir whimpered, “Oh what am I going to do now?”

Suddenly an orange light appeared around the corner and turned onto the street, the bearer of the torch was a human in metal armor with a large shield. “What’s that, a soldier maybe? Maybe he can help.” The cloud covered moons and Be’Ghir’s dark coat meant that the soldier did not notice him, until the light of the torch reflected off his eyes. “This…one…hungry.” He said. Looking down at the woman he continued, “Need…help.” The armored man replied by screaming very loudly. Be’Ghir, roared in shock. The man drew his sword and yelled some more. Be’Ghir grabbed the unconscious woman by the back of her shirt, leapt onto the roof of a nearby building and bounded away from the mad man.

****

As consciousness returned to her, Delila had the strange sensation that she was flying, no, hanging. She was hanging in the air by the back of her vest. She heard yelling in the distance, and the clatter of metal boots on cobbles. And there was the pain in her left ankle… Slowly she opened her eyes and then nearly passed out again when she realized that the city street was at least fifty feet below her. Then the flat roof of a building came up beneath her and she was jolted as whatever was carrying her landed and continued to move. “What?” She thought, groggily. “What’s carrying me?” She tried to look around, and then noticed two large black paws running beneath her. “Huh?” she muttered. Suddenly memory flooded back to her like a slap on the face. She immediately started panicking, struggling to escape whatever it was that had her in its grasp. There was a sound of ripping cloth and the creature suddenly stopped moving, and started lowering her to the roof. Despite this she still continued to struggle; there was another tearing sound, and she suddenly fell, landing on her injured leg and collapsing, tears streamed from her eyes at the pain. She let out a cry, and then the growling voice she had heard before returned. “You… hurt?”

Delila froze in place, had she really heard what she thought she had? She turned and stared up into the face of a cat. A gigantic cat. “Guh!” she exclaimed. The cat cocked its head to one side as if curious. “You… hurt?” It said again. Delila couldn’t think of any way in which to react, she just sat dumbfounded. “This one… Be’Ghir... Sorry… clothes.” “What?” she murmured. She looked down and realized that her vest had been ripped clean through in the back and was hanging from one arm, the only thing keeping it in one piece were the ties in the front. “Uh, that’s alright.” She said, looking back at the cat. The last thing she wanted to do was anger it. “Sorry… this one…carried… you. Crazy men… chase… Hungry.” Said the cat. Her eyes widened with fear again as he mentioned his hunger. Oddly the cat seemed to notice. “No… Khajiit… eat… human… silly…” the cat shook it’s head as it continued “What is… human… name?” “Uh, my name? It’s… Delila. Y- You’re a Khajiit?” the cat cocked his head again. “Yes… Khajiit… Be’Ghir.”

Suddenly Be’Ghir tensed and his ears perked as he turned to look off behind him, “Crazy men… come.” Delila listened and she could hear the sounds of metal booted feet coming closer. “Crazy men? It sounds like the guards. Don’t worry, I’ll explain… Er… Why were you carrying me?” The massive Khajiit squinted in what must have been a thinking expression. “You… fell down… then… man in…armor… came… screamed and… tried… to stab… thought… he was… crazy man…” Be’Ghir explained, in his broken dialect. “Carried you… and ran…” “I… see.” said Delila, unintentionally mimicking his manner of speech. The sound of the guards’ footsteps had come to the bottom of the building they were now on top of. “Must leave…” said Be’Ghir, his ears folding back against his head. “Don’t worry; I’ll explain it for you.” Delila reassured him. “Just tell me, how did you end up in the imperial city?” “Don’t… know… hungry…” Just then the roof access door opened and a whole squad of guardsmen led by a captain came streaming out, quickly surrounding the pair. Delila stepped forward, her arms raised diplomatically, “Hold on, he’s not-“ The captain drew his sword, with a look of surprise on his face, and pointed it at Delila. “Don’t move, Black Cat!”


This post has been edited by Dire Cheesecake: May 2 2007, 07:36 AM

[jack cloudy]

That captain sure loves to jump to conclusions, doesn't he? Well I love it so far. Continue whenever you've finished playing out the next scene.

By the way, playing out scenes in your head a few times before writing is indeed a really good trick.

[~Jalnos~]

Ah, nice addition. I like the way this mysterioud Khajit talks, gives him a sense of individuality, and definately tells the reader he's different.
Can't wait for the next one!

[blockhead]

By the way, playing out scenes in your head a few times before writing is indeed a really good trick.

I do this as well: I can't write otherwise.

I can't wait to see what happens next!

[Dire Cheesecake]

Another shortish one. Sorry for the giant text block look but I couldn't find an approprite spot for a paragraph break.


IV
His ears and whiskers folded back against his head, Be’Ghir growled softly as the armored men formed a circle around Delila and himself. “Well this is just great.” He thought, “If I were alone I could just plow my way out of this and escape, but I can’t leave her behind with these crazies.” Behind him he sensed Delila moving away, and he shifted himself so that he could see her. The clouds moved away from the moons again as she spoke. “Hold on, he’s not-“ She started, but she was cut short as the captain drew his sword and pointed it directly at her chest. “Don’t move, Black Cat!” Several of the other guardsmen suddenly looked un-easy, and glanced nervously at their captain. “S- Sir?” One of them uttered. “Did you forget it already? Just this night we received new information on the burglar known as Black Cat. She has a tattoo in the shape of a heart on her left- stand back you bullock brained moron!” The captain suddenly shouted. The younger guardsman had started inching forward, presumably in an attempt to get a better look at the evidence, and was now standing between the captain and Delila. “What is happening?” wondered Be’Ghir as he watched the strange scene unfold, unsure of how to act. Delila moved forward, towards the guardsman, placing her hands upon the loose neck of her blouse. The guardsman came even closer until they were less than a foot apart, and then Delila suddenly slammed her left knee into his midsection, at the same time shoving him backwards towards the captain, who was forced to lower his weapon to avoid impaling his subordinate. “Delila quickly turned around, half running, half limping back towards Be’Ghir, who stood in shock, his eyes wide, his ears perked forward, and his mouth slightly ajar. “Be’Ghir, we have to leave! Please, give me a ride!” “Mrrow?” Was all the Senche could think of in response. Still, he quickly lowered himself to allow her to climb on and once she was aboard, charged forward, knocking aside a pair of dumbfounded guards. He leapt from the roof and started bounding away. “You scamp brained idiots! Pilums!!” Shouted the captain from behind them. A second later, several wooden javelins with long iron tips fell around them, most of them clattered off the roof, and a few of them stuck in it. One of them nearly struck them, instead hitting Delila’s skirt, and tearing a long gash in it. “Oh no, these clothes were new!” Delila groaned. “This is a terrible night!”

[~Jalnos~]

Another great chapter, it makes this innocent Delila look like she has some secrets! I love the way you've developed it from the Khajit looking like the bad guy, and now it seems Delila is the real villan! Keep it up!

[jack cloudy]

While I don't want to draw my conclusions just yet, I do wonder. Who is the source of this new information? And just what is so serious about the Black Cat? Is the Black Cat a Khajiit, or not? Somehow I think that tattooing is hard with fur, or at least hard to see. But who knows.

[Lord Revan]

well, as a rule in lituaracy, you should start a new paragraph for every new person speaking. So one paragraph has Be'Ghir speaking and the next has a guard's/Delila's responce to Be'ghir's comment. It help the reader/writer when reading/checking for errors.

On another note, keep up the good work!

[The Metal Mallet]

Your story has been an excellent read so far. In just the little bit that you've written, there's all ready been a nice assortment of twists and turns that keeps a reader fixed upon the work. Even now I want to know more about these characters and the secrets some of them seem to have.

I also like how your characters instantly have a unique personality. Thumbs up for me. Continue please!

[Dire Cheesecake]

well, as a rule in lituaracy, you should start a new paragraph for every new person speaking. So one paragraph has Be'Ghir speaking and the next has a guard's/Delila's responce to Be'ghir's comment. It help the reader/writer when reading/checking for errors.

On another note, keep up the good work!

As a rule in literacy, you should start sentences with a capital letter and also use proper grammer and spelling.

Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Seriously though, I'll try to take your advice into account when I write the next piece.

[Dire Cheesecake]

Here we go, thanks to Tulustan's story for giving me the idea to set mine after Oblivion.

V
“Hide here, I’ll be back.” Delila said to the massive Khajiit as she took a key from her pocket, and approached one of the many doors surrounding them. They were in a small grassy area, surrounded on three sides by two story apartment buildings and on one side by a stone wall with an iron gate in it, somewhere in the Temple District.

“Who… are… you? …Really…”

Delila paused, the key in the lock. “I’m Delila Eclise; I’m a baker’s assistant.”

Be’Ghir growled softly behind her, his tail flicking violently. “You… do not… trust… me?”

She felt a pang of fear and slowly turned to look at him. It seemed that she had misjudged him; at least he was not a stupid oaf, as she had taken him for. “Alright… The truth is I also have a small side job; I obtain certain items from those with no need for them, and redistribute them. However, the guards don’t particularly like the way I do things.”

The movement of Be’Ghir’s tail became gentler as she he listened. “You... are… a thief…”

She frowned, “Please don’t say that, it’s not as if I pick people’s pockets on the street. I’d like to know what you’re doing here yourself.”

Now it was Be’Ghir’s turn to frown, or at least do the closest thing his kind did to frowning. “Do not… know… master… cast… a spell… there… was… a light… then… was… here… Where is…here?”

“This city is the capital of the empire, if you can still call it that without an emperor. Heh, I used to think things were bad back then… So you’re a mage’s apprentice or something?” There was clearly a hint of skepticism in her voice as she asked the question.

Be’Ghir’s head moved up and down in an odd sort of nod. “Yes…” he exhaled sharply, “Hrmph… hrm… strange…”

Delila turned back to the door and left the Khajiit to mull over whatever it was he was thinking about. She was going to have to leave the city after this. Even if they had no proof, the guards would still probably arrest her. And while they still didn’t know where she lived it would only be a matter of time now that they’d seen her face. She definitely couldn’t go back to work in the Market District. She took a traveling pack from her closet and started filling it with everything she thought she would need, or couldn’t easily replace. She spent a while trying to decide what clothes to bring, finally coming upon a form fitting black leather jumpsuit with an opening in the front. “Well, I guess I should get changed, I can’t go out looking like this.” She stripped off her battered and torn clothing and, remembering her sprained ankle, took a bottle from her shelf and applied some of the contents to the area. There was a sort of sizzling sound as the fluid immediately absorbed into the skin and soon she could feel the muscles healing. She stamped on the floor a few times to make sure the healing was complete and then started to clothe herself again, this time in the black jumpsuit. Suddenly she heard a tapping sound and looked up to see a large catlike face peering through her bedroom window.

Half clothed, Delila jumped back and crossed her arms across her chest embarrassedly, her cheeks reddening. Be’Ghir however only seemed surprised by her reaction. Still covering herself, she walked to the window and threw it open with one hand; “What are you doing? I’m changing!”

“Guards… coming.” Was all Be’Ghir said in reply before dropping back down to the ground.

Delila quickly returned to the room and finished dressing. She could now hear the telltale sound of armored boots on cobbles, and it was quickly growing closer. She hurriedly replaced the stopper on the bottle of healing ointment and tossed it into the bag. Hastily, she found the rest of her gear and donned it. Boots, fingerless gloves with padded knuckles, her tool belt, and of course, her mask. It was a rather silly idea she’d had, wearing a masked hood over the top of her face that resembled a cat’s face. It of course was how she’d gotten her nickname, the Black Cat.

She had taken too long and now she noticed the guards were entering the courtyard, Be’Ghir was no where to be seen. She could only hope he’d hidden on the roof before they’d come. Then she heard a familiar voice.

“Captain, I can’t believe this! Delila wouldn’t-“

The first voice was cut off by a second, one that sounded very exasperated “Guardsman Heris, we have a picture! You identified her yourself! She’s the Black Cat, and not only that but she somehow has a large beast assisting her. If you really want to help her, you can get her to come quietly so that she isn’t harmed. Otherwise, this conversation is finished.”

Delila was struck with a wave of guilt, “Oh no, not Steffen”. She had to get out of there, now.

“Which apartment is it Heris?” She heard the captain say.

Delila moved to her back and took out a grappling hook with a long rope attached to it. Leaving the end of the rope in her backpack, she slipped the bag over her shoulders and rushed to the window. She poked her head out and looked up at the roof. It wasn’t all that far, but she couldn’t have reached it if she’d had to jump. She quickly glanced down into the courtyard one more time before heaving the hook up and onto the roof. Giving it a couple tugs to make certain that it was secure; she leapt out of the window and started climbing hand over hand up the side of the building, while pushing against the wall with her legs.

“She’s up there!” Came the voice of the captain. Delila looked down for just a moment to see a number of soldiers staring up at her. Then she reached the top. “Damn! Does this building have roof access? Seggius, Talbot, get me a ladder!”

“You… took… too… long…” said a familiar voice. Delila turned to she the Be’Ghir getting to his feet.

“I’m sorry, thank you for waiting; we had better leave now huh?” She replied.

Be’Ghir again gave his funny looking nod. “Yes…”

Looking back as Be’Ghir carried her away, Delila whispered; “I’m sorry Stefen…”

This post has been edited by Dire Cheesecake: May 7 2007, 01:54 PM

[jack cloudy]

Aha, so she is the Black Cat. Hmm, now questions have been raised regarding Be'Ghir.

[The Metal Mallet]

Yes indeed. There's still much more to find out about these characters I think. I look forward to finding out more. Strong work so far.