Coffee Shop Forever, It's time to kick bottom and drink coffee! Options

[minque]

I am a proud mother of two beautiful, intelligent girls , both of them have great girlfriends, with who they currently live together, and have done so for the last year....

I love and respect them both, and I love their girlfriends!

[Fawkes]

I am a proud mother of two beautiful, intelligent girls , both of them have great girlfriends, with who they currently live together, and have done so for the last year....

I love and respect them both, and I love their girlfriends!

That's really awesome!

I just read a comic that made my heart skip a beat, *shivers*
Well it was the animated parts that only happen once you scroll down to that certain place.

[Kazaera]

Wow, lots has been happening. Congratulations to Athynae and Acadian on the grandkids, congrats to Saquira for coming out, many *hugs* to Fawkes for not being able to - that must be awful.

Thank you everyone It's greatly appreciated. I worked up the courage to tell mom a while ago, and I'm not sure I should have done that. She told me that I'm to young to decide something like that and that I can't know before I've tried being with someone. Judging from her tone of voice, it's just that "being with" that I never want to do, and that's kind of like asking a straight man to kiss another man just to make sure he isn't bisexual. It simply doesn't work that way.

I sympathise so much. I also get the "but how can you know if you've never tried it?" thing, when nobody would tell a straight person that they're not allowed to say they're straight unless they've had sex with someone of the same gender! I'm asexual, and the first time I tried coming out to my family, it... well... it could definitely have gone worse, but my brother's reaction was pretty appalling. (He decided I was scared of guys and damaged because our parents hadn't hugged us enough when we were kids and I must actually be straight and repressing because it was statistically most likely. There may have been more in that which I have blocked from my memory. :/)

That said, I think sometimes when you come out you get a worse reaction than what they actually think when they've had time to consider it for a while, because they can't temper their first impulse of disbelief/denial/etc. I haven't actually talked to my brother about this since aforementioned disastrous experience, but I heard from my mother recently that he's come to accept it and that when his flatmate was badmouthing asexuality he even said "that's my sister you're insulting" (I was over the moon when I heard about this!) My mother also improved her reaction over time. And all of them have backed off the "you're just a late bloomer" thing with each year that passed - thankfully, because I'm in my mid-twenties and there is a point where it starts getting truly ridiculous.

[mALX]

nobody would tell a straight person that they're not allowed to say they're straight unless they've had sex with someone of the same gender

That said, I think sometimes when you come out you get a worse reaction than what they actually think when they've had time to consider it for a while, because they can't temper their first impulse of disbelief/denial/etc.

Great comparison!

This is truth, initial shock can cause people to react while their minds are still reeling. Later they may regret and wish things unsaid.

Everyone I know that has gone through this has waited till they were old enough to leave home before coming out to their parents, and by then there had been enough indications that an aware parent really should have picked up on it. (some of them did not pick up on it and were shocked anyway, while neighbors and siblings had guessed - go figure)

This post has been edited by mALX: Jan 30 2012, 06:42 PM

[Saquira]

@Kazaera- Another asexual!

Ouch on your brothers reaction though, I felt down when I talked to my mom, but that... Have some (or fruit, in case you don't like cake)! Good that they've changed their minds since. I only hope my mom can take that path as well. I'm not sure she quite understood what I meant, she said a lot about how I shouldn't label/limit myself when I'm so young, or even think about it for that matter. I'm quite certain most teenagers think about it, and I don't see it as a limitation, I see it more as an opportunity.

@King Coin- I think it's more likely she'll hound me to get a boyfriend. Which would make it complicated, because I've already got one. But I'm not talking to her about that, not yet anyways.

[Kazaera]

@Kazaera- Another asexual!

HI HI HI I admit I kind of suspected from how you were talking about your orientation, but I couldn't see where you'd said it straight out so I didn't want to assume. Man, it never stops being awesome meeting others. \o/ \o/ !!!!!!

Ouch on your brothers reaction though, I felt down when I talked to my mom, but that... Have some (or fruit, in case you don't like cake)! Good that they've changed their minds since. I only hope my mom can take that path as well. I'm not sure she quite understood what I meant, she said a lot about how I shouldn't label/limit myself when I'm so young, or even think about it for that matter. I'm quite certain most teenagers think about it, and I don't see it as a limitation, I see it more as an opportunity.

How can I possibly say no to our very own orientation in-joke ?! In fact, I plan to bake some muffins soonish, those totally count as cake, right? (I got this book with various muffin recipes for Christmas... maple and pecan muffins, these must be tested.) And yeah, that was a BAD reaction, so I am very glad he seems to be over it. Who knows, some day I might even talk to him about this again...

As far as my mum went, I actually realised we had a bit of a misunderstanding going on. That is, she thought that I was not just saying "not interested in sex", but also "not interested in any talking or thinking about anything related to sex or sexuality at all ever". Which she found rather worrisome, but (and this makes me want to hug her) she tried to respect that all the same. I still had to laugh at her when that came out, given that I participate in a lot of asexuality discussions and hence probably do and have done a lot more talking and thinking about sex and sexuality than your average sexual person... Anyway, after we got that misunderstanding cleared up she's been much better about it. The frustrating thing about coming out as ace: that you have to explain what you mean by it, which isn't easy when you're stressed and terrified of a bad reaction and also don't understand what misconceptions people might have.

So it's totally possible your mum doesn't quite get what you mean, but it's also possible she needs some time to digest. Anyway, I really hope she comes round. *hugs*

And yeah, I totally get the feeling of being alienated and needing something to call oneself as a teenager - I started iding as asexual when I was eighteen, but I was feeling that something was different for quite a while before then. In fact, I invented the word on my own when I was eighteen because things had come to a head and I just couldn't deal with trying to force myself into a "straight" mould anymore. (Hence why I will never ever not be super-excited upon meeting other aces!) Also, I have this soapboxy rant about the whole "but it might just be a phase! you might just be a late bloomer! why label yourself?" thing, but for the sake of everyone else and the length of this post I will refrain...

[Saquira]

^^ I'd just decided to say it straight out when I saw your post. I was kind of hesitant for a while, but tried to leave enough clues for other asexuals to know. Happy it worked. Yeah, it's great meeting others!

Muffins are also cake, and maple and pecan sounds really good. All this talk about cake makes my mouth water, I think i might bake something myself soon. I've got this really great book with about 500 recipes for different cakes and biscuits that i got from my aunt some years ago.

I'm considering whether my mom might have interpreted "not sexually attracted to anyone" as "isn't interested in relationships", because as you said it's really stressful to come out, add to that my tendency to cry a lot and it's kind of hard to keep talking about it. I'm actually very much a romantic, so that doesn't fit at all. Thank you *hugs back*

I'm so happy I found out about asexuality, it was like all the pieces of the puzzle finally fit together. And until all of the pieces fit together it was great simply reading the aven forums since I could sympathize with a lot of what others said. I've been much happier since I came to terms with my asexuality completely.

I'd actually be interested in reading that rant, if i may? You can pm it to me in that case. It's interesting to read about other's responses to that stuff.

[Fawkes]

To both of you
There is no way that i can be an asexual hehehe.....

Oh and Muffins!!!!

But I know what you mean, I beat myself up over my sexuality, I live smack dab in the middle of the bible belt, with a heavy catholic population, so I tried to force myself to be "Straight" naturally it did not work, at the end of 9th grade I got something magical called the internet, and well with all it's magical abilities I finally accepted myself.

This post has been edited by Fawkes: Jan 30 2012, 09:28 PM

[Kazaera]

to everyone! And the keeping-it-quiet-but-still-letting-other-aces-guess definitely worked - my second guess would have been bi, but when you started on the reactions I went "...this sounds extremely familiar."

Caaake. Man, now I want to bake those muffins, and it is 10pm and I still need to wash up from dinner this is a bad idea...

I'm considering whether my mom might have interpreted "not sexually attracted to anyone" as "isn't interested in relationships", because as you said it's really stressful to come out, add to that my tendency to cry a lot and it's kind of hard to keep talking about it. I'm actually very much a romantic, so that doesn't fit at all. Thank you *hugs back*

Ouch, I hear you about that. It's sort of... people assume sexual and romantic orientation go hand in hand, so they hear "asexual" and think "ah, not interested in relationships!" but then you worry that if you try to explain it they'll go "so why did you tell me you were asexual, I don't care if you like sex or not!" because they miss the fact that Xromantic asexual and Xsexual are generally still very, very different experiences. Er, is what I have heard from my more romantic friends + just the stuff I know I experience and a lot of other ace people do too.

In my case, the whole concept of "romantic orientation" doesn't make much sense for me, because I want important long-term committed relationships that I still wouldn't... really consider romantic but are way beyond the bounds of what most people would call friendship. Platonic life partners, yay? Also, this is gender-specific, as I want it with other women. As you can possibly imagine, explaining this to people = TONS of fun. Given that it confuses me and all. Hilariously enough, my mother actually had a super-good reaction to this but was one year too early. She told me all this stuff about how so many of her friends had had really close relationships where it was impossible to tell looking from outside whether they were romantically/sexually involved or very close friends. Alas, she told me this at a time when I'd just realised I had same-gender attraction and so my reaction was more along the lines of "oh god MUM I am trying to come out as a lesbian here PAY ATTENTION. An asexual lesbian. Maybe. Except without the dating part. ?!?!" It is funny in retrospect! and my mother has been amazing there. I have heard much worse stories, including someone whose mother tells her she'll die alone if she doesn't get a boyfriend.

I hear you about all the puzzle pieces fitting together... also, hearing Fawkes about beating oneself up. I grew up in this sort of liberal European left-wing environment where it was all "sex! it is a fundamental part of being human and everyone wants it and look how open-minded we are about this! What do you mean, you don't want sex? You're repressed! Being repressed is bad! Un-repress yourself at once!" Asexuality was totally unheard of, so I tried to fit myself into that mould (in particular, into the "straight" mould - the attitude towards gay and bi people seemed to be "oh, they're fine, we're totally unprejudiced, but none of us could possibly be one"). This finally ended in total disaster and a pretty traumatizing experience for me when I was eighteen, after which I invented the word "asexual" on my own because it seemed pretty clear to me I wasn't any of the options given. Found the community online a year later and now I have nooo idea what I would ever have done without it.

And I shall PM the rant!

[Colonel Mustard]

You know, I think I know where both of you are coming from, Saquira and Kazaera (also just realised that both of your names have exactly the same number of letters and the same consonant/vowel structure, randomly, because my brain is strange like that). As someone who's also asexual surounded by a group of teenage friends who have now been making the beast with two backs with various acquaintances both in and out of my circle, I do feel...uncomfortably pushed towards it when it's not really something I'm actually that bothered about. It's nothing that's downright traumatic, and I'm sorry to hear you went through a bad experience with that sort of thing, Kazaera, but it does feel like there are times when I get vibes of; 'just hurry up and get laid already!' which feel kind of unfair, in a way. Still, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one.

Also, Fawkes, it sucks to be in that sort of situation, and it sounds horribly unfair. I know it's not much to say, but I really, really hope you can work it out somehow.

[Kazaera]

I have to go to bed, but I just want to say YAY MORE ACES. ! And hang in there, Colonel Mustard! Even if it's not traumatic (which I wouldn't wish on anyone), it still sounds like a frustrating situation to be in.

[mALX]

I got something magical called the internet, and well with all it's magical abilities I finally accepted myself.

This was a very powerful statement.

[Saquira]

All hail the internet!

I do define myself as bi-romantic at the moment, so that wasn't completely of. I do very much agree that the concept is confusing however, as I've established that on being open to platonic relationships with both men and women. Crushing/being romantically attracted is something I'm having trouble defining.

I can totally understand the difficulty with explaining, and have heard several of the bad stories. Or well, read of them at least. Religion and political views... I tend to stay out of that kind of conversations. I'm an atheist just like the rest of my family, so hopefully I'll never have to hear stuff about it being against some religion or another. I tried to tell myself I was a lesbian before I found the word, but in retrospect i don't understand my reasoning.

The rant was interesting, and could actually make a good speech if you change it some. But that's just my opinion, and you'd still have to make it much more objective.

@Colonel Mustard- Hi! That's very much not fun. If you don't want to get laid no one can tell you to!

[Olen]

the attitude towards gay and bi people seemed to be "oh, they're fine, we're totally unprejudiced, but none of us could possibly be one"

That sounds very familiar.

Anyway on a less heavy note I just got funding for a PhD. Already had the place lined up but I wanted a bigger stipend than the standard one, and I got it. Get an extra year too so I can do some interesting courses in the first couple of years. I have slightly mixed feelings about being in Edinburgh for another four years, on one hand it's a nice city and I know people here but it is a bit small and quiet. The department I'm at is one of the best for high pressure physics though.

[mALX]

the attitude towards gay and bi people seemed to be "oh, they're fine, we're totally unprejudiced, but none of us could possibly be one"

That sounds very familiar.

Anyway on a less heavy note I just got funding for a PhD. Already had the place lined up but I wanted a bigger stipend than the standard one, and I got it. Get an extra year too so I can do some interesting courses in the first couple of years. I have slightly mixed feelings about being in Edinburgh for another four years, on one hand it's a nice city and I know people here but it is a bit small and quiet. The department I'm at is one of the best for high pressure physics though.

Congrats on the funding !!! That is Awesome !!! If that College is the highest rated in the field you want to specialize in, I would stay.

[Fawkes]

Gratz on the funding!

One of my dogs (I have two female chihuahuas) ate allot now she has a stomach ache, she is lying on my lap crying. That's what she gets for eating to much. xD

[Athynae]

Poor baby, rub her tummy mean ole Dad.

We just had a thunderstorm come through, my Pomeranian and my Shih-poo both slept through it, my Boxer I had to give a nerve pill....she's pitiful when it comes to storms....

[Fawkes]

Poor baby, rub her tummy mean ole Dad.

We just had a thunderstorm come through, my Pomeranian and my Shih-poo both slept through it, my Boxer I had to give a nerve pill....she's pitiful when it comes to storms....

Hey I am a awesome father to my dogs! She would not move away from the piece of meat though, she went to sleep on top of it "protecting" it haha xD

Awwww poor boxer you should cuddle her! we have not had a thunderstorm in forever, just some small instances that they don't notice, So I still don't know how they will react to it.
Even if they are both small, they tend to leave a area of the bed for me, they sleep RIGHT in the middle, So I can't move xD.

[mALX]

All my dogs hate thunder, have to bring them in. The indoor cat totally freaks and will run through the house squalling and then crawl up under the blankets in a bed and hide. You have to be very careful before "plopping down" on the beds or may get flatcat.

[McBadgere]

Sounds like our boy... ...

Talking of weather...Europe and into Russia are having a bit of a cold snap at the mo...Some places have been down to -33 Celcius at night...Mostly "only" -22 though...Y'know...Nothing exceptional nor nothin... ...Sadly it's killed at lest 60 people - so far - I heard yesterday afternoon...In the Ukraine mostly...

And it's with this that I feel like such a baby, because I have to say IT'S MINUS NINE OUTSIDE AND I'M FEEZING!!!... ...

Bloody weather...

Bloody Universe...We're not friends... ...