Entertwining Paths Options

[Oblivion-Bubble]

Thoron slowly grabbed an arrow. He put it in his bow, measuring up the distance between him and Chancellor Ocato, it wasn't much. His magical ring concealled him from the council, but it was quickly running out. Thoron pulled back his arrow, and fired. The wind was still, making an easier hit for Thoron. Ocato was hit clean in the stomach. Blood gushed from the wound. Ocato grimaced, Thoron smiled. The council yelled in shock and fear, where they next? The room was soon filled with panic and confusion. Thoron jumped onto a ledge, opened a sewer grating and climbed in. Just as he did this his ring lost all its power, and he was visible again. But he had got away, no one could find him.

Thoron was an assassin for hire. He aspired to be a member of The Dark Brotherhood, but since he left no traces of his prescence no one knew who had murdered the unfortunate victim. He came from a poor family, and at 20 murdered his grandfather and stole his enourmous fortune. With this he bought his expensive equipment, mainly from Shady Sam, who operated outside the Imperial City. Thoron's latest contract was the one he had just performed, and was one that paid highly. However, the assasination was not the tricky part, escaping was.

Thoron crawled silently through the tunnel, muttering a basic chameleon spell to help conceal himself. Thoron reached the end of the tunnel. Dark, circular walls surronded him. The smell of dead corpses was so thick you could wrap yourself in it. Thoron unfastened a rope from his belt and tied it to a loose bit of tile. He muttered a burdening spell on the tile and tugged at the rope. It was firm.

Thoron gripped onto the rope tightley as he exited the tunnel. He thanked the Night Mother he had held onto the rope as a huge drop faced him. His legs dangled. Thoron slowly made his descent down the drop and to the floor. He clicked his fingers and a flame emerged on the palm of his hand. There was no life down here, not even rats. Thoron walked through an archway. He stopped. A man dropped in front of him. His black hair covered some of his pale head. Fangs poked out his mouth at strange angles. He was a vampire.

Thoron unsheathed his sword and lunged at the vampire, he backflipped put of the way and threw a punch of his own. Thoron blocked with his hand and slashed the vampire's arm. He hissed, and clutched his bleeding shoulder. The vampire suddenly pushed Thoron backwards and he landed on a wall. It caved in and buried Thoron. He gasped. Dust layed on his throat. The vampire screamed in triumph, and lifted Thoron high above his head, then bit him. Thoron cried out, and everything went black.

[redsrock]

Alright, this definitely wasn't terrile by any means, and you seem to have a knack for action. However, there are a couple of things I'd like to point out. I know this isn't the Critical Review Forum, but I don't think what I am about to say is very critical at all.


Firstly, you start off every paragraph with the character's name. This is not good at all, because it makes the story seem bland. I read the story, and it's not bland, but having every paragraph start out with the same word can sometimes turn your readers off. Try to work on that.


Next, you seem to have too many sentences that go something like this, "Thoron did this...", "Ocato did that...", etc, etc... Try to be more descriptive and explain "why" and "how" these things happened. But when you do try and use dialogue more often. As of now you aren't using dialogue at all, and you are simply "telling" us information rather than "showing" us. (to quote the all-time greatest cliche for writers )


Lastly, there are some instances where you use a comma when it is not neccessary. One example is this:

".....measuring up the distance between him and Chancellor Ocato, it wasn't much."

The first part of the sentence and the second part are actually two separate thoughts, and the way you have it written now looks sort of awkward. There are at least two ways to fix this.

Either put "noticing" (or some other word or similarity) before the "it", that way it transitions better. Or you can just replace the comma with a period and start a new sentence.

Like I said, they weren't HUGE mistakes, just ones that can be easily overlooked. A good story so far. I'll be keeping an eye out for this...

This post has been edited by redsrock: Jun 23 2008, 01:40 AM