Oblivious, I'm trying comedy. Again! Options

[Colonel Mustard]

Right, I've been inspired by Brian Clevinger's utterly, er, inspirational webcomic, 8-bit Theatre, and I've decided to try my hand at doing comedy in the Elder Scrolls setting (again). Only this time I intend to stick with it.

Like I stuck with it last time...

Oblivious

Chapter 1

The currents that make up the infernal, twisted realm of Oblivion flow stronger and faster than ever before. Deep within its darkest depths, fiends and monsters gather under the banner of their twisted patron, ready to spill forth in a tide of madness and evil that will surely destroy the entire realm. Only a band of heroes, heroes who shall face a thousand trials and emerge triumphant, can stand against this evil.

Four warriors of doughty and virtuous resolve needed, please apply at the gates of Anvil Castle before three o'clock 14th Hearthfire. Reward promised.

“Well,” Hlarras said as he read the notice. “That looks promising.”

O'Nigel nodded.

“It does, doesn't it?” he said. “I wander what they'll provide in the way of reward.”

“I don't know,” Hlarras said. “Usually it's something good. The save the kingdom from unspecified evil gig generally pays well.”

“Perhaps,” O'Nigel mused. “But we'd still need two more people before we can apply.”

“True,” Hlarrar said. The dark elf frowned. “But where are we going to find two adventurers who are willing become meatshields, sorry, companions, with us in our quest application.”

“The guilds?” O'Nigel asked. “They always seem to have a large supply of cheap and disposable manpower.”

“Now, now, O'Nigel,” Hlarras said admonishingly. “The guilds have provided Cyrodiil with some valuable and much needed heroes in times past.”

There was a silence, before the two of them burst out laughing.

Once they had recovered from their fit of hilarity, Hlarras nodded.

“Let's see what we can pick up,” he said.

#

As Dunmer and orc approached Anvil's fighter's guild building, they saw a band of four men go past. They were grizzled and scarred, coated in muscle and looking ready to fight anything.

“You reckon they're out for the Oblivion job?” Hlarras asked.

“I'm not sure,” O'Nigel said, adjusting his monocle to get a better look at the men. “Then again they look ready to complete any quest, however perilous.”

“Pah,” Hlarras said. “They're just power levellers and dungeon divers, let me tell you. I bet you they just play World of Warcraft all the time.”

“Probably all have headsets just so they can chat with their 'buddies,'” O'Nigel said. “Probably haven't got girlfriends.”

“I bet you they only paid for their ultra-powerful weapons and high weapons,” Hlarras said, seeming to lose heart slightly.

“And can breeze their way through a dungeon full of mooks,” O'Nigel said quietly. “I want to be like them.”

“I know,” Hlarras replied in a small voice.

“Let's see if we can find somebody at the fighter's guild, shall we?” O'Nigel asked. “We need to apply fast if they are.”

“Well why not just ask at the mage's guild?” Hlarras asked. “Bound to be somebody there who can help us get that job?”

“What's that about a job?” somebody asked behind them. Hlarras and O'Nigel turned to see an imperial, rearing the grubby green robes of a low ranking mage, hurry up behind them. “I need a job.”

“Really,” Hlarras said. “We're applying for a dangerous quest, you see. What can you bring to the group?”

“I can bring a knowledge of all magical schools to this group,” the man said. “I was with the guild, you see, before they chucked me out.”

“Why was that?” O'Nigel said.

“Apparently tampering with the laws of space and time in order to increase my skills in destruction magic is unethical,” the imperial replied.

“Okay,” Hlarras said. “Just a minute.”

He hurried a few paces away with O'Nigel.

“Manipulating the laws of space and time?” he asked. “Did I hear that right?”

“That's what I heard,” O'Nigel said. “That could come in useful.”

“Tell me about it,” Hlarras said. “Should he come?”

“I don't see why not then,” O'Nigel said.

“Excellent,” Hlarras said, clapping hands together and turning around. “Welcome aboard mr...”

“Antius,” the man replied. “Antius Nuntius.”

“Hlarras Laran,” Hlarras said.

“Agrad Leck O'Nigel,” O'Nigel said. “But call me O'Nigel.”

“Nice to meet you,” Antius said. “So what exactly is it that you're doing?”

“There's some quest to save Cyrodiil that we can apply for at the castle,” Hlarras explained. “But we need four people to join up.”

“Ah, the good old save the kingdom deal,” Antius said. “So who else is with you?”

“Nobody yet,” Hlarras said.

“Usually in classical fiction the fourth member of the quest is a more pacifistic healer character,” O'Nigel said. “Usually a second mage of some sort.”

“Sometimes it can be a cleric or priest,” Antius suggested. “Maybe we could try the chapel here, seeing as we already have a mage.”

“Who we don't know is any good,” Hlarras muttered.

“What was that?” Antius asked.

“Nothing,” Hlarras replied innocuously. “So are we going to find somebody else?”

They continued their walk through Anvil's busy streets, towards the chapel.

“Hold on, aren't they all pacifists or something here?” Hlarras asked.

“It is a chapel of Dibella,” O'Nigel said. “They do have the best healers there.”

“Oh, hippies,” Hlarras said disapprovingly. “Still, they do have good healers, it's true.”

“Hold on,” Antius asked. “If they're all pacifists, why would they join a quest that would inevitably involve killing things?”

“That's a good point you have there,” Hlarras said. “And so I choose to ignore it.”

“Is he always like this?” Antius asked O'Nigel.

“Pretty much,” the orc replied. “I find it's best just to let him be.”

“Ah, right,” Antius said.

“So are we going to stand here, or are we going to find a priest?” Hlarras asked.

“Technically it's a cleric we want,” O'Nigel said. “As clerics are a combat-orientated kind of priest that often accompanies soldiers into wars to provide moral and spiritual support.”

“Although chaplains also fulfil that role sometimes,” Antius said.

“That's true,” O'Nigel said. “Of course, it could be argued that missionaries...”

“That's lovely,” Hlarras said curtly. “Especially seeing as nobody cares and this is getting us nowhere.”

“He's got you there,” Antius said.

“You were taking part in that conversation,” Hlarras growled.

He stalked away, O'Nigel and Antius following him quickly.

“You think we're going to find a cleric?” O'Nigel asked Antius.

“I don't know,” Antius asked. “Of course, it could be a chap-”

He was cut short by Hlarras screaming; “SHUT UP!!”