Listen To THe Sound Of The Ashlands, Chapter 1->The Return Options

[Fiach]

The sands crunched softly beneath my toes when I jumped out of the boat. The Bosmer boatmaster smiled and pointed toward some hills,
"about 5 minutes walking and you'll find your 'Sadrith Mora'" he whispered.
I nodded and the boat master cackled, his Bosmer voice following the boat while it steered away from land and back into the fog.

Evo sighed and pulled up his robes to stop them from getting wet,

"I'm making my way to Cyrodiil.... this is your last chance at life friend."
I shook my head head with a smile and placed my hand on Evo's shoulder,
"It was a pleasure" I muttered, giving him the ceremonial bow of the Telvanni. right arm lifted and head bowed lower then your superior.

Evo laughed and stopped me with his hand.

"The pleasure was all mine Ser Saris, I'll see you in another life." Haeil shook his hand and handed him a few cold pieces and Without another word we went our seperate ways.

The hills seeming to move beneath my feet as I followed Haeil up along the grassy plains, Sadrith Mora was a good town, it should have some traders, invaders or no invaders.

Haeil sighed at the top of the hill, and I didn't notice why until I reached that point myself.
Sadrith Mora was gone... well, not gone, the ground was covered in ash and soot with burnt structures pointing out of the black soil. Nothin grew along the ground showing that the attacklers put salt into the soil after they burnt it... the argonians really hated the Telvanni by the looks of things.

"Do you have a second plan?" Haeil mumbled, staring at the ruins of the once proud wolverine hall. It seemed to have been attacked and then pillaged for stone with the entire front facing the sea gone.

I opened my mouth tpo say something before I saw a shape move along the plains, "Do you see that?" I whispered, squinting my eyes as if it would somehow give me a better look. It was a person, no bigger then a boy and he was running away from us.

Haeil nodded to the boy and began to move.

Stones cracked beneath my feet as I ran behind Haeil, who could move pretty fast for something without a pair of legs. The boy began to scream, his body meeting and then vanishing behind some forest land, we leapt through the bushes.

And were greeted by 8 hooded men, each of them holding a net as they threw them on us. I grinned for a trap it was pretty well set up, so much so that they couldn't be just bandits...

An arrow whistled past my ear before one of them jumped on me, he smelt like an orc.... I suppose there's something wrong you when you can recognize that smell.

The last thing I felt was the sound of my body hitting the floor with an unpleasent crack.
the last thing I heard was Haeil shouting, the sound of his blades being unsheated.

Darkness crowded around me like an unwanted guest and the cold gripped me.
But I could see her face again in my minds eye.

"Abigail." I murmered with a smile, I didn't know what was going to happen to me...but as long as I saw her as I did now with her unbound brown hair and emerald eyes, her right hand that moved softly against my cheek.
I would not care.

Here ends Chapter One

This post has been edited by Fiach: Mar 28 2010, 12:52 PM

[mALX]

Your ability to set a mood in these dream-like states is second to none! That is the second time you have had a scene like this that made me feel disoriented to be back (in Morrowind this time) Very powerful ability you have!

[haute ecole rider]

Fiach, you have some seriously good stuff going on here. The last two chapters have been great in the sense of history (character-wise as well as world-wise) and compelling to read.

A couple of nits (okay, more than a couple):

At the beginning of the first of the two chapters:
[quote]I’m walking through the undergrowth, tree branches brushing past my limbs like the demented claws of a madman.
My guide is ahead of me, a Tsaesci who moved shakily through the wilds as if he feared every shadow beneath him.

I tried my best to ignore it though; the jungles had enough dangers without adding imaginary ones to the mix.[/quote]
You changed the verb tense here - it makes things confusing. I think you started out one way, then caught yourself, fixed it, and that first paragraph escaped your review.

From the same chapter:
[quote]“I found you in the jungle?” he hissed in broken cyrodiilic,[/quote]
Should that be a question? or rather a statement? The question mark seems a little out of place here. Also consider capitalizing cyrodiilc/Cyrodiilic.

Later in the same chapter:
[quote]humans 5 fingered hands.[/quote]
Human's is missing its apostrophe (possessive form); and for the purposes of writing fiction, it reads easier to write out numerals (short ones, anyway) like this: five-fingered hands.

[quote]a little Tsaesci girl was by the fire,but began moving quickly beside him when she saw us, her blue scaled gleaming as Haeil picked her up and gave up a hug.[/quote]
Looks like Wanobe stole the space after the comma in the first, and did you mean scales in the second?

[quote]“I wasn’t scared, you can even teach me how to fight now” She looked up at him hopefully,[/quote]
Seems to me the comma that belongs before the closing quote in the first jumped to the end and kicked off the period that belongs there.

This chapter was a powerful one-two punch, though - how Furan met Haeil and how they became such good friends. The description of the Oblivion Gate and the loss of the lovely little Wanobe is hard to beat for drama and tragedy.

Moving on to the second chapter:
I see that you are missing commas or periods before your closing quotes - keep an eye on that.
[quote]"about 5 minutes walking and you'll find your 'Sadrith Mora'" he whispered.[/quote]
Also, about needs capitalization, and again, 5 would read better as five.

[quote]giving him the ceremonial bow of the Telvanni. right arm lifted and head bowed lower then your superior.[/quote]
Looks like the period that was kicked off by the comma in the previous chapter got its revenge here. I feel the comma needs to come back. Oh, and outstanding description of a little bit of body language here, that conveys more than is spoken.

[quote]Haeil shook his hand and handed him a few cold pieces and Without another word we went our seperate ways.[/quote]
Cold should be gold, right? (though gold can be cold, oh well); Without does not need capitalization here; and it's spelled separate.

[quote]Nothin grew along the ground showing that the attacklers put salt into the soil after they burnt it... the argonians really hated the Telvanni by the looks of things.[/quote]
Nothing lost its ending g; the attackers picked up an l, and the argonians forgot to capitalize themselves. OTOH, this is a powerful sentence that sums up the savagery of the attack.

[quote]I opened my mouth tpo say something before I saw a shape move along the plains,[/quote]
I believe you meant to, not a medical procedure; and it seems the comma has again trounced the period at the end of the sentence.

[quote]And were greeted by 8 hooded men[/quote]
Again, reads better as eight hooded men.

[quote]the last thing I heard was Haeil shouting, the sound of his blades being unsheated.[/quote]
the needs capitalization, and unsheathed is missing its h.

[quote]"Abigail." I murmered with a smile, I didn't know what was going to happen to me...but as long as I saw her as I did now with her unbound brown hair and emerald eyes,]her right hand that moved softly against my cheek.
I would not care.[/quote]
It's murmured. And I think it reads better as: but as long as I saw her as I did now, with her unbound brown hair and emerald eyes, her right hand that moved softly against my cheek, I would not care. I replaced the period with a comma between cheek and I.
And let me say this was a powerful ending to a chapter full of action and adrenaline. It left me more than a little bug-eyed and open-mouthed. Wow!

I know this seems like a lot of nits, but the whole thing was so well imagined, with outstanding content, I felt it needed polishing to make it pretty damn near perfect. I'm one of those people who are easily distracted by technical glitches. I also know, as a writer, how hard it is to look at something I've written and see every nit. We always miss one or two or more. That's why we need editors!

Keep this up, Fiach. I want to see what happens next. I want to know more about Abigail. I want to see more of Haeil. And I want to know what Furan is going to do.

[Destri Melarg]

Another interesting dream sequence followed with what might be your best chapter yet. I am completely riveted by Furan's story. MORE!

[Remko]

Hautee has adressed all the nits so I won't bother.
All that rest to me say is that I loved the part of how and when Furan and Haeil got to know eachother and how they became friends. I wondered about that. Well done!