Riden's NEW Journal of Cyrodiil, The new version since my old one got wiped from my computer T_T Options

[Destri Melarg]

Hello ‘Zerker. I have just finished reading Riden’s tale and I know you want some R&R so here it comes:

First I need to address some of your pre-chapter comments. Telling us you’re writing something only because you’re bored is like telling us that you’re speaking to us only for want of something better to do. It’s condescending and it doesn’t ingratiate you to new readers. Likewise telling us that you spent a whopping three hours to write a chapter isn’t very productive either. Many writers spend weeks or months writing and revising a single chapter and still don’t end up happy with it.

Now onto the story:

Even though he is an assassin, I find myself liking Riden. That is not an easy thing to do. I do think that you need to slow down the frequency with which you post. Effective fiction is not something you ‘get the hang of’ in a few days, weeks, or months. Acadian and Winter Wolf have given you some excellent advice that I see you incorporating into the story, kudos for taking their words to heart. The last few chapters read much smoother than the first few. Still, you could take their advice even further if you are willing to double or even triple the time you are now taking to re-write your work.

I think that there is an aspect of Riden’s personality that has developed over the course of the first six chapters that hasn’t really been focused on, the fact that he is something of a buffoon. From the very first chapter he discards the Count’s note that gives his name, his profession, and the fact that he is walking around with 1000 gold on his person to anyone in Cyrodiil who can read. Then he is not in the Imperial City for five minutes before Phillida and half of the Watch show up to arrest him. Phillida not only knows his name and his profession, but he also knows of his activities in the days prior to his arrival, even though he has not been focused on capturing Riden. Not exactly the ‘secretive assassin’ that we are used to seeing! Add that to the fact that Diram in Aleswell marks him as an assassin during the course of a single conversation, and the foresters know that he is an assassin the minute they lay eyes on him when they burst into Tess’ cabin. You can’t explain that away by saying that they are trackers. Trackers would be able to follow Riden’s trail to the cabin, but only if they are actively engaged in tracking Riden. What you have done is make these foresters psychic, which mirrors the behavior of guards in the game but doesn’t work from the standpoint of good fiction.

I don’t want you to take all of that the wrong way. Small inconsistencies aside, I think you have stumbled on an excellent way to develop a character who is an assassin while still keeping him likeable. It certainly makes him unique! There are times in the reading of your story that I am reminded of Inspector Jacques Clouseau or Agent Maxwell Smart, and I mean that as a compliment.

In closing I will tell you that I hope you keep going with this. And if you only take one thing from this critique I hope it’s the desire to slow down and take a LOT more time in re-writing your work.

And I will keep reading it.

[Acadian]

This was fun to read!

You are still moving a little quickly and not developing things that can jar readers. For example, where did this previously unspoken of Legion general come from, and why was he bothering to command such a tiny force, especially when the force seemed to contain many members of the FG instead of Legionaires. All that could certainly be explained with no problems, but it did cause me pause.

Your morning sickness clues were quite clear.

Lovely ending to this, with Rden and Tess perhaps starting a new life together. You did a beautiful job of highlighting the 'odd couple'.

[DarkZerker]

Yeah, my second arc will be slowed down very significantly because this first arc was to set the premise for my last two. Have fun waiting 2 weeks.

[DarkZerker]

SECOND ARC!! Woot! Anyways, this arc was first worked on at July 29 and I’ll try to spend more of my time editing than actual writing. So uh…yeah! Let’s get started with some filler before the DB Conflict Arc.
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Chapter 7, Tess is WHAT NOW? (One month after chapter 6)
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“Well Ms. Rysan, you check out okay for any signs of diseases.”

Tess and I sighed with relief. The healer continued, “But…you do have something to expect.”

I raised an eyebrow, “What would that be?”

The healer sighed, “Ms. Rysan, you’re to be expecting a child in 8 months.”

Tess’ face turned from relief to pure confusion. She slid closer to me and hugged me tightly. I, on the other hand was just shocked, “Tess is WHAT?” I asked, putting a lot of emphasis on the “what.”

It was obviously the wrong thing to say as Tess began to shake violently. The healer spoke up after Tess got under control again, “I’m guessing this wasn’t planned?”

Tess was still too much in shock to speak but I spoke up, “What do you think?”

The healer nodded and gave me a small pouch. I looked inside it to see a colorful assortment of potions of different sizes. “What’s it for?” I asked.

The healer pointed at Tess, “Give her one of these potions once every week. It will stabilize the baby.”

I nodded and grabbed Tess to go home. When we arrived at home, she burst out crying. I embraced her, comforting her to the best of my abilities. She eventually calmed a bit and stared at me, blinking away the tears, “Riden…I’m so sorry!” She exclaimed.

I smiled, “It’s alright Tess. We’ll get through this together.”

She smiled back warmly before sitting down on a bench next to the dining table, “Thanks…but please, stop the assassin thing.” She whispered.

I shook my head, “No…I’m an assassin and that’s who I am.”

“Well I was a soldier! I don’t want our baby to be raised in an environment where the father is a merciless assassin and the mother a former soldier. I just don’t want that.” She snapped.

I nodded but I knew that some things in this world will never change.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4 months in the Future.
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Tess’ pregnancy was showing quite a bit. Instead of the skinny and pale girl I knew and loved, she had an extended belly with flushed skin from the potions she was drinking.

Instead of doing what I should’ve done, which is stay by Tess’ side for the remaining four months, I began taking contracts from various counts and nobles from all over Cyrodiil to finance the construction of the child’s room.

Then a letter from Skingrad arrived. Tess was enraged when I read it to her. She yelled at me about not being with her during the most difficult time in her life. I tried to calm her down but nothing worked.

I sighed, “Alright Tess, I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to fund the construction for our child’s room. I think we have enough.”

She started to smile and calm down, “Alright, thanks Riden. I’m sorry I snapped at you like that…I just wanted to spend some time with you. Ever since this happened, you treat me so differently…”

It was true. Ever since I first found out about the pregnancy, I started to think about my future as an assassin. I knew that once the baby was born, I would also have to retire. That…I could never do. But what scared me the most was the future of the child.

“I’m sorry…it’s because we aren’t the best couple to take care of a child. Think about it, a father who kills for a living and a mother who used to be a former soldier.” I said, just stating the blunt truth without any sugar coating.

Tess stared at me, “I guess you’re right. But…please, let’s try to get through this together. No more contracts until we’re ready to move on. Okay?”

I nodded. “Do you promise?” She asked with a hopeful expression.

I raised my right hand as if I was about to go to the Imperial Court, “I, Riden Snowe, solemnly promise to stay by your side until we as a family are ready to move on.” I said with a slight joking tone in my voice.

Tess giggled and pulled me towards the letter, “Now that you’ve…’sworn’,” she fought the urge to chuckle, “write a letter to your client, declining the offer.”

I did, mostly because I had no choice. Tess was so close to me when I wrote the letter; I could feel her linen shirt tickling my neck. There was no room for lies or any sort of concealed message.

I fought the urge to scream and breathed deeply, trying to fight the will to blatantly attack Tess. She seemed pretty happy though, as for the rest of the day, Tess went around the house, humming a merry tune.
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Well, it’s…as the late great Michael Jackson would say, “It’s FILLER!!”

Anyways, er…yeah. Childbirth on the next chapter. Trust me, the real second arc beginning will be much better and better edited. I just wrote this because I was really bored on the computer and it was too late to do anything else.

So yeah…enjoy my crappy chapter that serves little purpose other than to show something that everybody would see coming. Yep, next chapter will be the beginning of second arc so…this chapter really served no purpose. That is other than to just help me get rid of my writers block. This was a pain to write since I'm not good with the whole "Psychology" aspect of a story.

*Runs and grabs a gun*
If you have a problem with it, you can take it up with Ol’ Painful.

This post has been edited by DarkZerker: Jul 30 2010, 06:33 AM

[Acadian]

Gracious humilitiy in an author is a wonderful thing, and few express this better than Destri. I must share his sentiments though that it is counter productive to bad mouth your own story. If you are not passionate about and proud of a chapter, then change it, refine it, rework the storyline until you are.

The story was fine, and shows some very realistic concerns ranging from the child's future, to the impact on Riden's profession. He wrestles with his responsibilties to provide for a child that requires him to absent himself vs Tess' desire for his closeness, which will not put a roof over their heads. That all comes through just fine. There is nothing wrong with the story, and rather than filler, I believe it is important.

[Remko]

I will echo Acadian. The discussion of these things between a couple (just look at the last chapter on my "Memoires of Rales Sarethi") makes them endearing and brings them alive. This is not filler, it's what we like to call character-driven stories. Actually, I think you should/could expand on it. Let them argue about it cause obviously Tess and Riden have a different opinion on it. Unlike my -happyeverafter- couple Rales and Zerina.

Also, I agree with Destri and Acadian; don't bad-mouth your work of creativity. If you think it's crap either;
1. Improve it before posting
2. Don't post it at all
3. Shut up about it being crap and let us tell you it's utterly shite*

*this is one isn't to be taken seriously

Keep it up.

[DarkZerker]

I really did think it was utter shite. It was meant for a basis to link the first arc and second.

QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT!! I'm at the point in my second arc where I need a name for Riden's child. It's Imperial. I'm thinking a unique but not stupid name.

This post has been edited by DarkZerker: Jul 30 2010, 09:29 PM

[Destri Melarg]

Despite your protestations there was quite a bit that I liked about your so-called 'Filler'.

The healer spoke up after Tess got under control again, “I’m guessing this wasn’t planned?”

Tess was still too much in shock to speak but I spoke up, “What do you think?”

She eventually calmed a bit and stared at me, blinking away the tears, “Riden…I’m so sorry!” She exclaimed.

I smiled, “It’s alright Tess. We’ll get through this together.”

I assume he means the pregnancy and not the eighteen or so years that will follow!

“I’m sorry…it’s because we aren’t the best couple to take care of a child.

A classic understatement. That's what makes their situation so ripe with possibility.

Tess was so close to me when I wrote the letter; I could feel her linen shirt tickling my neck.

This is just nicely described.

Stop putting yourself down, 'Zerker! You're writing doesn't justify it. Have confidence in your words. Remember, if you don't like it, how can you expect us to like it?

[DarkZerker]

Wow...I never thought of the 18 years of annoyance Riden and Tess will face.

Oh and I didn't address this...

the fact that he is something of a buffoon.

Well he's not an idiot but more inexperienced with the aftermath of the kills. Riden's very good during the scouting and kills but after that, nothing really other than lining his pockets.

[DarkZerker]

Alright, this is my real first chapter of the second arc. So…um…here we go. I’ll edit this one and not be a cheap idiot like in my filler one.
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Chapter 7 or Chapter 1, Arc 2, “Childbirth and Flashes.”
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“Tess…it's almost time for the baby to come out.” I quietly said.

It’s been eight months and the baby would be coming any moment now. Tess was anxiously waiting ever since the 1st of Frostfall, the month when our own child would be brought onto this world.

Tess embraced me with shaky hands, “Thank you Riden.”

I hugged her tighter, “For what?” I asked.

“You were there for me the moment I met you…I mean officially. I mean, we barely knew each other but you still wanted to help me, no matter what.”

I slowly let go and stared into her eyes, “Tess, I’ll be there for you till death.” I said, trying to keep the mood of the conversation. She smiled, “It would be touching if it wasn’t so cheesy.”

Tess started to sway back and forth until she was knocked unconscious. I was both scared and curious until I read a small pamphlet that came with the last batch of potions the healer gave us.

The thing that concerned me before I even read it was the large label with the words, “WARNING” printed in big red letters.

I pressed onwards and read the pamphlet. Nothing was of interest until I got to the part concerning the last potion in the batch, “Caution, the user of the last potion in this set will be knocked unconscious as to prevent any mishaps during childbirth. Be sure to drink this potion during the month the patient will have the child. It will cause childbirth in three days, to prevent any complications with the medication”

“WHAT, Why would you make this?!” I yelled at the pamphlet. Tess was still blissfully asleep without any knowledge of what was going on around her. Seeing her unconscious on the living room bench started a series of flashes in my mind. Most of the flashes were brief, just lasting a couple seconds before I snapped back. But one was so long, it showed the whole picture. What the flash showed me was vivid and amazing. During my energy transfer with Tess in Thomak’s cave, I saw Tess’ lifeless body start to regenerate itself. All the wounds started to heal up as a large blue light traveled up and down her body, regenerating all wounds it came in contact with.

Then she awoke, screaming. After that, she was rendered unconscious by the same blue light. I saw Grenaw praying to the Nine, “Oh thank you!” He exclaimed to the Nine. He gently picked up Tess and peacefully laid her down on her bed.

I snapped back, panting. Trying to shake the thought from my head, I stumbled out of the house. The healer was passing by at that time and I collapsed right on his feet. During that time, I was still very much conscious and aware of what was going on.

The healer was surprised as his face seemed to take a very gloomy look, “What’s the matter?” He asked, kneeling down.

I got my breathing under control, “I…I saw a vivid dream…no…a vivid nightmare of a moment with Tess.”

The healer seemed intrigued and his face lit up, “Really? Tell me more.”

I recounted my events with the flashes and how Tess became unconscious while the healer directed me to his workplace. As I progressed with my story, the healer became more and more intrigued until he looked like a child with a new toy, “Amazing! Firstly, I’d like to congratulate you on your new upcoming child.”

I nodded and the healer continued, “But this is astounding! You have a gift, Riden Snowe. I never knew that mortals could gain the powers of the Daedra.”

When he said “Daedra” I was both shocked and even more worried about the child, “Wait, what was that about the Daedra?”

He smiled, “Well…do you remember the Orcs from eight months ago?”

“The Dagrukai, they were called the Dagrukai.” I said.

“Yes, the Dagrukai. Well you might not know this but they are a hybrid race. The Daedra have had way too much fun cross breeding their race with mortals. The result was the Dagrukai…” He explained.

“But that still doesn’t explain me.” I said.

“Well…some mortals have remnants of other race experiments of the Daedra. You’re an Imperial so your ancestors must have had some direct link to the Daedra or had contact with somebody with Daedric blood. As you know, they have otherworld powers and mortals can also get them from cross breeding with a high level Daedra.”

I remembered a small letter I read, “I found a letter one time. It was called the Snowe family tree and it had a parent who was part Demora and part Imperial….”

The healer looked a bit skeptical and even more surprised, “You…you’re the first instance of a mortal crossed with a Demora I’ve ever studied. Your child will have these powers.”

“No…I don’t want MY child to suffer these curses.” I said, recounting my single event. Even though it was just one time, it was vivid and could easily drive any mind to insanity.

“But this is a great instance of power! You are no mere mortal, you’re part Daedra. I see that your appearance took form of a mortal. Thank the Nine for that but…your abilities and strengths all come from the Daedric bloodline you have.” The healer explained joyfully.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 Days Later.
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“It’s a boy!”

I was so happy from that moment on that I forgot about all the contracts my clients started sending me. The healer was also very happy to see what a part Daedra child could do and was ecstatic.

I shook his hands, “Thank you for helping us deliver our child onto this world. I never did get your name though.”

“Phoebus Felix.”

I nodded, thinking the name was familiar but I didn’t give any thought to it. Phoebus looked over our child, “So what will you name him?”

I looked over to our child. Tess was cuddling it and panting heavily. She smiled at me as an “I’m Okay” sign.

I returned a weak smile and the child started to move about, as if he was fighting off the air around him. Tess seemed to find that amusing as she started to laugh a little.

‘Great, the child already wants to fight.’ I thought grimly.

I paused for a while, thinking about a suitable name for an Imperial child.

“Geovanni Snowe.” I proclaimed.

Tess seemed to like it and nodded, “Alright…Geo it is.” She agreed, with a shortened name.
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A/N: Alright, this isn’t me to make notes in the middle of a story but this has to be said. Geovanni is NOT A spelling error. It’s a cheap gimmick to call the child “Geo” which is the name of the protagonist in Megaman Starforce, which is my all time favorite RPG on the DS. I’ll be getting Starforce 3 and maybe 4 if it comes out at Christmas. YAY!

Oh yeah and um…3 days later…
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“Tess, are you doing okay?” I asked.

She smiled and nodded. In her arms was a small, pale Imperial boy, just three days old but already kicking and swatting at the air as if he knows he’s going to grow up in a family that’s based on combat.

Tess doesn’t know about my Daedric heritage and I want to keep it that way until…she’s ready to accept the fact.

She smiled down at the child, “Well I guess he gets his violent nature from you…” She said jokingly.

“Yeah, and since you’re not a fighter at heart and I’m a killer at heart, I wonder how that’ll play out.” I said back, with a widening smile on my face.

She lightly punched me and started to give Geo the baby formula. I got dressed in my robes and started to head out.

“Well Tess, I’ll be back in a few.” I said.

Tess was keeping a steady face but I knew she was itching to yell at me, “Go? Where are you going?” She asked, trying to keep the anger out of her voice.

“The baby is born…we need money. I’m the only one here who can get us a steady supply of money.” I said.

Tess silently put down the baby in the crib and glared at me, “Remember what you said!? That you’ll never work until we’re ready?” She yelled. The baby could hear her easily and started crying.

I sighed, “Yes but…” Tess cut me off, “What do you think Geo is going to think when he’s older?! Is he going to say to his friends, ‘My dad works as an assassin and can kill anyone in Cyrodiil if you give him a week’?”

Tess was driving me to madness in her own way, “You know what? I’ve been trying to provide enough money for our family to support Geo! I’ll be back in three hours, I’ve got a contract.” I snapped.

Tess clung to me and refused to let go, her composure quickly switched from rage to begging, “Please Riden…don’t go.” She said, “I can’t take care of the baby alone…” she whimpered, her voice starting to turn soft and all the anger leaving her.

“Well you have to for three hours.” I said, prying Tess off me.
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2 hours later, Assassination target: Samuel Bantien.
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I watched my unlucky target walk happily with his wife, Rochelle. It was a pain to locate him, but after two hours of searching, I found the target.

As I primed the Hidden Blade from my perch on the rooftops, I watched him and Rochelle having the time of their lives. My thoughts immediately went back to Tess at home. Then the flashes returned.

I saw Tess being taken away by a robed man with little Geo wrapped tightly in a white blanket, being held tightly by Tess. The man chuckled and brought down a large axe on the pair.

I snapped back into reality, trying to contemplate what I saw during the flash. Samuel was now near the large statue of Akatosh in the center of the Talos Plaza district. My hidden blade was primed and ready for the kill. I thought it over for a while, thinking about my own relationship with Tess. Eventually, I realized that I should only care for my family and nobody else.

After all the guards in the area left, I grabbed a small gas arrow in my pack and threw it hard on the floor next to Samuel. It exploded into a green cloud and everybody near it was knocked out. In seconds, the cloud dissipated but it did its job.

Samuel and his wife were knocked out. I leaped from my perch down to the unconscious body of Samuel Bantien. With a swift movement, my hidden blade buried itself deep inside his neck. As is custom, I whispered a small prayer, “May you find happiness in death as you did in life, Rest in peace.”

I quickly ran towards my own house. The screams of his wife were heard as the guards near the entrance of the city ran towards the screams. I ran faster when the screams were heard. When I burst into the house, Tess was trying to get Geo to go to sleep.

She looked at me with teary eyes, “Riden…please stop this. I need you here…with me.” She whispered, trying not to get the baby to wake up.

“Alright…the contract was just enough to finish construction of Geo’s room. Was it delivered?” I asked.

Tess looked down at the floor, “I…” she started to say but quickly changed the subject, “Yes, it came. The money’s on the dining table.”

I looked at the table and sure enough, a badly made pouch was sitting there with a small letter next to it. The pouch was filled with gold. There would’ve been almost three thousand coins in it!

I read the letter, not knowing much about the client yet.

Thank you Riden Snowe. There’s a total of 2800 gold in the pouch, I added an extra 300 for an extra thank you. That fool Samuel now lies in the grave and the Imperial City is a better place because of it. It’s good to see that this city has professionals instead of murdering brutes.

-Roderick Lupe, City Watch Guard.

“Wow…city watch. Talk about corrupt.” I commented.

Tess tugged on my robe sleeve, “Come on Riden. It’s late…let’s go to bed…I have something to tell you.” She said, looking very nervous.

I followed Tess upstairs to our Master Suite. She sat down on the bed before breathing heavily, “Riden…”She looked up from the bed, “You have to quit being an assassin.” She blurted out.

“Tess, you know I can’t do that. My job is the only thing that keeps us from being beggars sleeping out in the open.” I said back.

“Well think about Geo’s future! He’s going to have to go to school and he’s going to have a horrible reputation because of YOU!” Tess snapped.

I couldn’t respond to that and simply sat next to her, “Tess…I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to keep me close, right?”

She started to babble out no’s and yes’s before admitting the truth, “Yes…that’s why I’ve stopped you. I’m scared Riden, about Geo and your band of rogue assassins. Even worse, the Dark Brotherhood.”

I was intrigued immediately, “The Dark Brotherhood hasn’t bothered me in a year.” I said.

Tess silently slid me a letter, it was stained in dried blood and had the logo of a red palm print. “The Dark Brotherhood wrote this…” I commented.

I hesitantly opened the letter and saw it was written very neatly and was titled, “A Promise”

Hello Riden Snowe and family.

The Night Mother and the Dread Father Sithis wants your soul Riden. You have greatly angered him by killing our Listener. Since you seem to have somebody you care about, we’ll…persuade them first. Of course you can stop this just by heading to Cheydinhal. Then we promise no harm will come to your little girlfriend or the child. Just come to Cheydinhal…

-Children of the Night Mother

“Alright, they are DEAD” I said hoarsely.
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Yep! The Dark Brotherhood is going to have a lengthy feud with Riden’s faction of rogue assassins. By lengthy, I mean like…10 years. Trying to get the baby a significant part in the second arc. A vendetta!

Spent two whole day (literally 48 hours) revising this. I spent lots of time reading some unusual fan fictions…you know, iCarly fan fics and Megaman fics and the like. They are an interesting read and helped me improve my character development side of things.

This post has been edited by DarkZerker: Aug 2 2010, 03:28 AM

[Acadian]

Very typical and real arguments and concerns within the new family of three. Nicely displayed.

Riden's past catches up with him, and he is no longer a rat with no tail it seems. His enemies now have a hook.

I'm not sure what you're thinking having Riden's clients provide signed confessions. Riden now has grade A extortion material on Count Bravil and one of the Imperial guards. I'm assuming that is intentional on your part.

Geovanni (Geo) is a fine name. With a character named Buffy, I'm certainly never going to pick on your name choices.

[DarkZerker]

Yup! Extortion! The X makes it sound cool!

[Destri Melarg]

There were a few things that seemed a little too convenient and contrived in this chapter:

1). Riden noticing the large print label with the word WARNING on it only after giving the potion to Tess. *I can let this one slide though, because that does sometimes happen.*

2). The fact that the healer passes by their (presumably) secluded cabin just as Riden is coming out of his first vision. And the idea that the healer is able to correctly diagnose Riden as being part Dremora simply by Riden telling him about his vision which, to my recollection, was about a blue light healing Tess and had nothing to do with any sort of daedra.

3). Riden’s ‘sudden’ recollection of a family tree once read that identifies him as being part Dremora. That is definitely not something that one would be likely to forget!

4). There is NO WAY that a guard of the City Watch gripes about a lack of professionalism in a note that he sends to the assassin he has hired! That one made me laugh, but I don't think that's what you were going for.

I think the conflict that you have between Riden and Tess (will he or won’t he quit being an assassin?) is the strongest thing you have going in this story. It draws us in far more than your story arcs concerning a war with the Dark Brotherhood and Riden having powers because he is part Dremora. Why? Because the conflict between Riden and Tess feels genuine. Your version of the Dark Brotherhood doesn’t feel real simply because there is no way that the DB sends a letter to the man who just killed their listener (begging the question of just how they came across that information. Although I guess I shouldn’t be surprised with the number of incriminating notes floating around Cyrodiil in this story ). Equally outlandish is the fact that they address the note to ‘Riden Snow and family’.

Give us more of Riden and Tess. That’s who we care about, and that’s who we want to root for!

[ureniashtram]

Wow Geovanni Auditore Geovanni's father is an Assassin, and that name brings a certain Assassin's father in mind..

Anyway, the Dagrukai piqued my interest. Awaiting the next update!

[DarkZerker]

One word, extortion!!

The X makes it sound cool!

[mALX]

You are really doing a better job of building your characters in this continuation, especially the last chapters (IMHO). I am enjoying your descriptiveness - and like the fact that you too picked up on Count Terentius's paranoia. The man lives in fear constantly and surrounds himself with anyone he thinks will keep him safe. Great job, keep up the good work!

[DarkZerker]

Alright, I have to address this three times. EXTORTION…the X makes it sound cool.

This chapter will span over TEN years so bear with me. So yeah…the Dark Brotherhood conflict will be TEN YEARS LONG.
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Chapter 8, The Dark Brotherhood’s Threat.
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I arrived at the serene city of Cheydinhal. It’s a beautiful city considering its dark secrets. The architecture isn’t anything worth mentioning but the small river that flows through the town provides beauty to this dark town.

The guards noticed me immediately from my robes but left me alone. One approached me, “Assassin…so you really came.”

I looked at him, “What about it?”

He looked around as if there would be any eavesdroppers, “The Dark Brotherhood ordered the Captain of the Guard in Cheydinhal to be murdered if we stopped you.”

I sighed a little and proceeded. After a while, I got a little tired so I sat down on some rocks surrounded by some flowers and grass near the river. Then a man with blood stained robes appeared out a small boarded up house. He smiled at me and unsheathed a small dagger.

My hand went to Gwilth by instinct and gripped it hard. He dropped the dagger and put his hands up, “Now Riden…let’s not get hasty and do something we’ll regret.”

“Will you call off the attack on my family?” I asked harshly. The man laughed, “You wish. The Dread Father Sithis will not change his mind.”

“Sorry to hear that.” I whispered. I extended my hand and he shook it. With a couple muscle flexes and a quick wrist flick, the Hidden Blade extended and impaled the man straight in the wrist.

The city guard started to form a ring around the robed man and myself. He got up, clutching his wrist and muttering gibberish. I gave him a small smile and pulled out Gwilth. The three foot straight sword was intimidating him greatly and I enjoyed every minute of it.

He started to back away slowly and bent down to grab the dagger he dropped. Before he could even grip the blade, I gave him a hard kick to the back. A small crunching noise was heard when the hard leather hit his back. He groaned in pain and looked up to see Gwilth pointed directly at him.

“Go now and warn your sadistic cult about what has happened.” I growled, letting my rage get the better of me.

“You will face the wrath of the Dread Father. I hope Sithis will make your dwelling in the void even worse than the rest!!!” He screamed.

I chuckled at his approach to intimidate me. He spoke again, with a rough voice from the loss of blood, “A thousand soldiers of the Dark Brotherhood will descend upon you!”

At that threat, I knelt down and peacefully gave one final strike with my blade. Then the city guard erupted into cheers and applause.

I slowly made my way to the horse before a guard posted near the stables started running towards me. He started to pant and held out a letter, “For you…from Castle Cheydinhal.”

Hello Assassin.
The Count of Cheydinhal wishes to speak of certain matters concerning…well I guess you already know. Speak to nobody about this and keep this letter to yourself. Don’t throw it away like you did with the letter from the Count of Bravil. Just be glad that one of my messengers found it. Be at the Royal Court at 1:00PM next week. Oh and make sure to bring your girl and child with you.
- Bariu Midas

I had a gut feeling this was a trap but what choice did I have? Giving a quick tip to the guard, I mounted Carbon and rode off to the Imperial City.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thirteen Hours later
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Why would the Count of Cheydinhal wish to speak with YOU?” Tess asked. Geo was fast asleep and Tess was watching over him when I returned. Her face turned from

“He wants to ‘speak’ with me.” I said nonchalantly.

Tess paced around after feeding Geo, “By all Oblivion…why…”

She sighed, “Alright, I’ll take Geo with me when you go meet with the count,” Tess paused and jabbed me in the chest with her finger, “But you have to end this whole Dark Brotherhood feud there!”

I nodded and lifted Tess up. She laughed a bit, “You really know how to ruin a serious mood.”

After stumbling around like a drunk, I finally managed to get Tess up. I frowned, “You’re actually heavier than you look…”

She fake gasped and fell back on the bed. I crawled in with her and drifted off to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Week later, in Castle Cheydinhal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Ah! I had to see it to believe it…the infamous Assassin’s girl really is Tess Rysan.” The Count chuckled and got up from his throne, “Welcome to Castle Cheydinhal, I hope you haven’t made any plans for the next week because you’ll be staying here.”

I looked around the castle and a drafty breeze came in and out of the open window. The castle was nothing special, just a huge courtroom with decorations like large mosaics and crests.

Tess spoke softly, obviously trying to keep Geo, who was in her arms, asleep, “You know me?”

The Count laughed again, “Tess Rysan, a name hailed by the Cheydinhal Fighter’s Guild as the first person to survive an attack by the Rogue Assassins.”

Tess nudged me hard, “What’s this about the Rogue Assassins?” She whispered. I was about to speak when the Count laughed even harder.

“I can’t believe that he didn’t tell you! That’s rich!”

Tess elbowed my side, “What aren’t you telling me?!”

I sighed, “The Rogue Assassins…we aren’t much of an order as we were before. According to legend, the Dark Brotherhood was formed from the Thieves Guild members who wanted to kill. Well, the Dark Brotherhood wasn’t the only group that branched out.”

The Count nodded and directed us to the dining room. Tess held Geo tightly before he was taken away by the Castle Healer. She nearly yelled, “Where are you taking my baby?!”

“To your bed chamber, there’s a crib and everything. Don’t worry about it…especially since the baby belongs to the assassin.” The Dark Elf shuddered as if he was trying to forget a bad memory.

We all talked over some very well cooked venison and Tamika’s wine. The usual was talked about first, about the family, the city, and some side chatter. But after we finished the meal, the discussion quickly turned to the matters of the Dark Brotherhood.

The Count opened up the discussion with the statement, “We all know why I called your family, Riden. Both your group and I share the same enemy. We need to do something about the Dark Brotherhood.”

I leaned back in my wooden chair and thought for a bit and finally spoke, “Listen, you have enough soldiers to mount a full assault on a large village, right?”

The Count called up a guard, talked in whisper for a bit, and then nodded. I continued, “Well, if you have that many soldiers, they will prove a very good distraction for me to kidnap at least one of the members.”

Tess and the Count both looked confused, “Why not just kill them all?” The Count asked. Tess seemed to wonder the same thing, which was really unlike her to think about killing people.

“The Cheydinhal Sanctuary has too many competent members. In fact, the newest edition to the Black Hand...Lucien Lachance is evenly matched with my skills as an assassin.”

“Alright…but don’t expect any major developments in our scuffle against them for a while. Oh and we bought you a nice little manor on the hillside outside of the Imperial City, check it out when you guys leave.”

I nodded and looked at the clock, it wad nearly midnight. The Dumner said his goodnights and directed us to our bed chamber.

It had a “Cheydinhal” feel to it, even though the room just had large silky wall coverings with a bed, some cupboards, decorations, and a crib.

Tess pushed me down on the bed and crawled in with me. We both smiled at each other before she sat up, “Riden…tell me about the Rogue Assassins, since you never did before.”

I paused a bit, thinking about how to start, then finally, after an awkward silence between us, I spoke, “The Rogue Assassins, after breaking from the Thieves Guild, were scattered. We are just as organized as the Dark Brotherhood, only we work very secretly, so nobody knows of our existence.”

“Wait…why didn’t you ask for their help when we were fighting the Dagrukai?”

“We each take our contracts and work alone or in pairs. The only time we meet at all is if there’s a war between the Dark Brotherhood and us. After all, we steal many contracts from them since all you need to hire us is just the ability to write and a pouch full of gold.”

Tess nodded and got back in bed, “Can you promise me one thing?”

I nodded and Tess snuggled in closer, “No more secrets…okay?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four years later, Imperial Manor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Geo grew older, the bond between me and Tess started to strengthen more and more. I think it was because of the constant threat to our family from the Dark Brotherhood but after a few failed attempts, the attacks ceased.

I had one final contract until we officially moved in the Imperial Manor. The target was a Bosmer Mage who had stopped by in the Imperial City.

Perched on the rooftops, I readied a small dagger that the contractor insisted on killing him with. Then, I got in for the kill. But what I didn’t expect was a Legion soldier nearly cutting my arm off only a couple seconds after I did my usual prayer.

He grinned, “So…the infamous Riden Snowe…we meet again!”

The man was dressed in the ornate silver armor, only worn by Generals and the Palace Guard. “Who might you be?”

The man chuckled, “Aw…don’t remember?” He pulled off his helmet to reveal an aging Imperial Man, “General Damascus…at your service.” Just like that, he rushed at me with his silver long sword.

I blocked his blow and his blade slid off mine. I got in close as soon as I recovered from the block and got in a quick stab with my Hidden Blade. The General winced in pain but quickly recovered and was on the offensive immediately.

Our battle kept going for quite a while. Then I heard a scream, it was Tess, who was taking Geo shopping. After successfully parrying my strike, the General laughed and stopped fighting. I was too puzzled to attack again.

“So, the rumors I heard are true. Tess Rysan, one of my best soldiers during the war on the Dagrukai actually had a child with an infamous assassin.”

Tess’ face turned bright red and grabbed Geo, “Riden, we have to leave…NOW!”

I quickly got back to reality and ran, grabbing Tess’ hand. Behind me was an angry Imperial man. When we left the gates, I threw a nice vial of poison and it worked. General Damascus was paralyzed and blinded in an instant.

After a couple minutes of running, we made it to the Imperial Manor. The place was of Cheydinhal architecture but had that distinct Imperial city feeling. When we entered, it was beautiful.

The main reading room had a big mosaic rug and beautiful pictures of the Imperial City. On the other side of the main room was the kitchen, and it was simple but very well designed. A long wooden table sat in the middle with a small fireplace was flickering, giving a very cozy feeling.

We got up the spiral staircase with Tess and Geo. The second bedroom was simple, just a kids room for Geo. He ran in and was very happy with it. I smiled and got up the spiral staircase once more, and went in the Master Suite. It was just as good as the other rooms and had simple design, just a bed, some books, a cabinet, and a desk.

Tess grabbed my hand and opened the large wooden doors in the master suite. We reached the balcony and it had a breathtaking view of the Imperial City.

I figured this was as good of a time as any so I gave a light kiss on Tess’ cheek to get her attention. She blushed and looked at me. I breathed deeply and knelt down. After finding a small gold ring I got from the Count of Cheydinhal, I offered it to Tess, “Tess Rysan, will you marry me?”

Her face turned bright red for the second time today, “Yes! Of course, I’ve been waiting for you to ask me for four years…” and put the ring on. We stared out on the large city before us as the sun started to hide behind the White Gold Tower. Even from the threat from Damascus and the Dark Brotherhood, our worries seeped away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: Wow…this has been a long time since I updated. Well…for good reason as I spent a lot of time on this. Not to mention working on my iCarly fan fiction (yes…I freaking love that show).

I have to say this...the Rogue Assassin thing was actually an idea I had for a small novel I had to write in my Language Arts Class. I did write about a group of assassins during the Dark Ages and I got an A+ for "stellar writing and historical tie ins" so why not add it here...in Oblivion.

Imperial Manor is a mod....look it up on TesNexus.

Well I think I wrote myself into a corner -_-. How to proceed…

[DarkZerker]

Alright, I have to address this three times. EXTORTION…the X makes it sound cool.

This chapter will span over TEN years so bear with me. So yeah…the Dark Brotherhood conflict will be TEN YEARS LONG.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 8, The Dark Brotherhood’s Threat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I arrived at the serene city of Cheydinhal. It’s a beautiful city considering its dark secrets. The architecture isn’t anything worth mentioning but the small river that flows through the town provides beauty to this dark town.

The guards noticed me immediately from my robes but left me alone. One approached me, “Assassin…so you really came.”

I looked at him, “What about it?”

He looked around as if there would be any eavesdroppers, “The Dark Brotherhood ordered the Captain of the Guard in Cheydinhal to be murdered if we stopped you.”

I sighed a little and proceeded. After a while, I got a little tired so I sat down on some rocks surrounded by some flowers and grass near the river. Then a man with blood stained robes appeared out a small boarded up house. He smiled at me and unsheathed a small dagger.

My hand went to Gwilth by instinct and gripped it hard. He dropped the dagger and put his hands up, “Now Riden…let’s not get hasty and do something we’ll regret.”

“Will you call off the attack on my family?” I asked harshly. The man laughed, “You wish. The Dread Father Sithis will not change his mind.”

“Sorry to hear that.” I whispered. I extended my hand and he shook it. With a couple muscle flexes and a quick wrist flick, the Hidden Blade extended and impaled the man straight in the wrist.

The city guard started to form a ring around the robed man and myself. He got up, clutching his wrist and muttering gibberish. I gave him a small smile and pulled out Gwilth. The three foot straight sword was intimidating him greatly and I enjoyed every minute of it.

He started to back away slowly and bent down to grab the dagger he dropped. Before he could even grip the blade, I gave him a hard kick to the back. A small crunching noise was heard when the hard leather hit his back. He groaned in pain and looked up to see Gwilth pointed directly at him.

“Go now and warn your sadistic cult about what has happened.” I growled, letting my rage get the better of me.

“You will face the wrath of the Dread Father. I hope Sithis will make your dwelling in the void even worse than the rest!!!” He screamed.

I chuckled at his approach to intimidate me. He spoke again, with a rough voice from the loss of blood, “A thousand soldiers of the Dark Brotherhood will descend upon you!”

At that threat, I knelt down and peacefully gave one final strike with my blade. Then the city guard erupted into cheers and applause.

I slowly made my way to the horse before a guard posted near the stables started running towards me. He started to pant and held out a letter, “For you…from Castle Cheydinhal.”

Hello Assassin.
The Count of Cheydinhal wishes to speak of certain matters concerning…well I guess you already know. Speak to nobody about this and keep this letter to yourself. Don’t throw it away like you did with the letter from the Count of Bravil. Just be glad that one of my messengers found it. Be at the Royal Court at 1:00PM next week. Oh and make sure to bring your girl and child with you.
- Bariu Midas

I had a gut feeling this was a trap but what choice did I have? Giving a quick tip to the guard, I mounted Carbon and rode off to the Imperial City.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thirteen Hours later
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Why would the Count of Cheydinhal wish to speak with YOU?” Tess asked. Geo was fast asleep and Tess was watching over him when I returned. Her face turned from

“He wants to ‘speak’ with me.” I said nonchalantly.

Tess paced around after feeding Geo, “By all Oblivion…why…”

She sighed, “Alright, I’ll take Geo with me when you go meet with the count,” Tess paused and jabbed me in the chest with her finger, “But you have to end this whole Dark Brotherhood feud there!”

I nodded and lifted Tess up. She laughed a bit, “You really know how to ruin a serious mood.”

After stumbling around like a drunk, I finally managed to get Tess up. I frowned, “You’re actually heavier than you look…”

She fake gasped and fell back on the bed. I crawled in with her and drifted off to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Week later, in Castle Cheydinhal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Ah! I had to see it to believe it…the infamous Assassin’s girl really is Tess Rysan.” The Count chuckled and got up from his throne, “Welcome to Castle Cheydinhal, I hope you haven’t made any plans for the next week because you’ll be staying here.”

I looked around the castle and a drafty breeze came in and out of the open window. The castle was nothing special, just a huge courtroom with decorations like large mosaics and crests.

Tess spoke softly, obviously trying to keep Geo, who was in her arms, asleep, “You know me?”

The Count laughed again, “Tess Rysan, a name hailed by the Cheydinhal Fighter’s Guild as the first person to survive an attack by the Rogue Assassins.”

Tess nudged me hard, “What’s this about the Rogue Assassins?” She whispered. I was about to speak when the Count laughed even harder.

“I can’t believe that he didn’t tell you! That’s rich!”

Tess elbowed my side, “What aren’t you telling me?!”

I sighed, “The Rogue Assassins…we aren’t much of an order as we were before. According to legend, the Dark Brotherhood was formed from the Thieves Guild members who wanted to kill. Well, the Dark Brotherhood wasn’t the only group that branched out.”

The Count nodded and directed us to the dining room. Tess held Geo tightly before he was taken away by the Castle Healer. She nearly yelled, “Where are you taking my baby?!”

“To your bed chamber, there’s a crib and everything. Don’t worry about it…especially since the baby belongs to the assassin.” The Dark Elf shuddered as if he was trying to forget a bad memory.

We all talked over some very well cooked venison and Tamika’s wine. The usual was talked about first, about the family, the city, and some side chatter. But after we finished the meal, the discussion quickly turned to the matters of the Dark Brotherhood.

The Count opened up the discussion with the statement, “We all know why I called your family, Riden. Both your group and I share the same enemy. We need to do something about the Dark Brotherhood.”

I leaned back in my wooden chair and thought for a bit and finally spoke, “Listen, you have enough soldiers to mount a full assault on a large village, right?”

The Count called up a guard, talked in whisper for a bit, and then nodded. I continued, “Well, if you have that many soldiers, they will prove a very good distraction for me to kidnap at least one of the members.”

Tess and the Count both looked confused, “Why not just kill them all?” The Count asked. Tess seemed to wonder the same thing, which was really unlike her to think about killing people.

“The Cheydinhal Sanctuary has too many competent members. In fact, the newest edition to the Black Hand...Lucien Lachance is evenly matched with my skills as an assassin.”

“Alright…but don’t expect any major developments in our scuffle against them for a while. Oh and we bought you a nice little manor on the hillside outside of the Imperial City, check it out when you guys leave.”

I nodded and looked at the clock, it wad nearly midnight. The Dumner said his goodnights and directed us to our bed chamber.

It had a “Cheydinhal” feel to it, even though the room just had large silky wall coverings with a bed, some cupboards, decorations, and a crib.

Tess pushed me down on the bed and crawled in with me. We both smiled at each other before she sat up, “Riden…tell me about the Rogue Assassins, since you never did before.”

I paused a bit, thinking about how to start, then finally, after an awkward silence between us, I spoke, “The Rogue Assassins, after breaking from the Thieves Guild, were scattered. We are just as organized as the Dark Brotherhood, only we work very secretly, so nobody knows of our existence.”

“Wait…why didn’t you ask for their help when we were fighting the Dagrukai?”

“We each take our contracts and work alone or in pairs. The only time we meet at all is if there’s a war between the Dark Brotherhood and us. After all, we steal many contracts from them since all you need to hire us is just the ability to write and a pouch full of gold.”

Tess nodded and got back in bed, “Can you promise me one thing?”

I nodded and Tess snuggled in closer, “No more secrets…okay?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four years later, Imperial Manor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Geo grew older, the bond between me and Tess started to strengthen more and more. I think it was because of the constant threat to our family from the Dark Brotherhood but after a few failed attempts, the attacks ceased.

I had one final contract until we officially moved in the Imperial Manor. The target was a Bosmer Mage who had stopped by in the Imperial City.

Perched on the rooftops, I readied a small dagger that the contractor insisted on killing him with. Then, I got in for the kill. But what I didn’t expect was a Legion soldier nearly cutting my arm off only a couple seconds after I did my usual prayer.

He grinned, “So…the infamous Riden Snowe…we meet again!”

The man was dressed in the ornate silver armor, only worn by Generals and the Palace Guard. “Who might you be?”

The man chuckled, “Aw…don’t remember?” He pulled off his helmet to reveal an aging Imperial Man, “General Damascus…at your service.” Just like that, he rushed at me with his silver long sword.

I blocked his blow and his blade slid off mine. I got in close as soon as I recovered from the block and got in a quick stab with my Hidden Blade. The General winced in pain but quickly recovered and was on the offensive immediately.

Our battle kept going for quite a while. Then I heard a scream, it was Tess, who was taking Geo shopping. After successfully parrying my strike, the General laughed and stopped fighting. I was too puzzled to attack again.

“So, the rumors I heard are true. Tess Rysan, one of my best soldiers during the war on the Dagrukai actually had a child with an infamous assassin.”

Tess’ face turned bright red and grabbed Geo, “Riden, we have to leave…NOW!”

I quickly got back to reality and ran, grabbing Tess’ hand. Behind me was an angry Imperial man. When we left the gates, I threw a nice vial of poison and it worked. General Damascus was paralyzed and blinded in an instant.

After a couple minutes of running, we made it to the Imperial Manor. The place was of Cheydinhal architecture but had that distinct Imperial city feeling. When we entered, it was beautiful.

The main reading room had a big mosaic rug and beautiful pictures of the Imperial City. On the other side of the main room was the kitchen, and it was simple but very well designed. A long wooden table sat in the middle with a small fireplace was flickering, giving a very cozy feeling.

We got up the spiral staircase with Tess and Geo. The second bedroom was simple, just a kids room for Geo. He ran in and was very happy with it. I smiled and got up the spiral staircase once more, and went in the Master Suite. It was just as good as the other rooms and had simple design, just a bed, some books, a cabinet, and a desk.

Tess grabbed my hand and opened the large wooden doors in the master suite. We reached the balcony and it had a breathtaking view of the Imperial City.

I figured this was as good of a time as any so I gave a light kiss on Tess’ cheek to get her attention. She blushed and looked at me. I breathed deeply and knelt down. After finding a small gold ring I got from the Count of Cheydinhal, I offered it to Tess, “Tess Rysan, will you marry me?”

Her face turned bright red for the second time today, “Yes! Of course, I’ve been waiting for you to ask me for four years…” and put the ring on. We stared out on the large city before us as the sun started to hide behind the White Gold Tower. Even from the threat from Damascus and the Dark Brotherhood, our worries seeped away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: Wow…this has been a long time since I updated. Well…for good reason as I spent a lot of time on this. Not to mention working on my iCarly fan fiction (yes…I freaking love that show).

I have to say this...the Rogue Assassin thing was actually an idea I had for a small novel I had to write in my Language Arts Class. I did write about a group of assassins during the Dark Ages and I got an A+ for "stellar writing and historical tie ins" so why not add it here...in Oblivion.

Imperial Manor is a mod....look it up on Planet Elderscrolls.

Well I think I wrote myself into a corner -_-. How to proceed…

[Acadian]

This is fun, and the relationship between Riden and Tess remains the centerpiece. Their give and take is a pleasure to read. Ten years? No worries. I look forward to it!

This chapter contained a few aspects that you may want to review:

Then a man with blood stained robes appeared out a small boarded up house.

Not a sentence. Do you mean something like the man came out of the house?

Be at the Royal Court at 1:00PM next week.

This begs the question which day next week?

“Why would the Count of Cheydinhal wish to speak with YOU?” Tess asked. Geo was fast asleep and Tess was watching over him when I returned. Her face turned from

The last sentence is unfinished.

Oh and we bought you a nice little manor on the hillside outside of the Imperial City, check it out when you guys leave.”

Perhaps just me, but his sounds terribly 'uncountish' in tone, especially the latter portion. It sounds more like the irreverent style of Riden's speech.


Imperial Manor. If you want your readers to see something outside your story, I recommend you provide a direct link, rather than instructions to 'look it up'. http://planetelderscrolls.gamespy.com/View...ail&id=3834

I am mystified by General Damascus. He observed Riden commit a murder. Riden chooses to openly move into a local manor? Surely the General would find out about this and surround the manor?

This post has been edited by Acadian: Aug 24 2010, 01:11 PM

[mALX]

There are some huge gaps in time there, they crawl into bed together and the next time you see them is a week later...hmmm, does he have a brother? JUST KIDDING !!!!