Haa-Rei the Marsh Ranger Options

[hazmick]

Chapter 1.0

I ran from the Merchants Inn as fast as I could. Holding tight to the precious bounty I had wrapped in cloth, ignoring the angry shouts behind me. I dipped into an empty side street and paused to look around before examining my prize, a large loaf of bread covered in melted cheese. Deeh would not believe that I had stolen some food without his help, I couldn't wait to get back to Leyawiin and tell him.

The bread was warm out of the oven and tasted delicious as I hungrily crammed it into my mouth. Before I could finish, I heard a rattle of armour and a wall of iron in the shape of a legionnaire crashed down the alley towards me. My hand found the hilt of my dagger but I decided against fighting this particular soldier. If only I had a bow.

“Stop right there pondscum!” his voice was like thunder and echoed about the grubby walls surrounding me. The only exit was behind me. I made a run for it but the soldier was too fast and grabbed my arm in a bone breaking grip.

“I assume you don’t have 5 septims?” This time his voice was lower but still sounded loud in the cramped alleyway.

I quickly swallowed the bread in my mouth, “I…no,” my mouth was dry and my voice croaked, if I was a man or mer my face would be bright red with embarrassment and fear.

“Come with me,” The soldier secured the irons tightly on my thin wrists, cutting off the circulation. Minutes later we arrived at the imperial prison, it’s walls were darker than those of the other city districts and corpses in various states of decay hung from atop it’s large spire.

Once inside I was lead down a short tunnel, light seemed to fear this place as it grew darker and darker the deeper we descended. One of the rusty cell doors was open, I assumed this was mine.

Sure enough on reaching the cell, an iron clad hand grabbed me by the neck and pulled me closer to the soldier.

“ I hope you rot, criminal scum,” His voice was a low growl with an edge of disgust which most people had when talking to me and the other beggars. The soldier threw me into the cell, my head colliding with something hard. Everything went dark.

This post has been edited by hazmick: Aug 17 2010, 03:56 PM

[Acadian]

Oooh hazmick! Nice start! I like how you left so very much to us to deduce. A poor Argonian. It will be fun to see where this goes.

You have a couple of comma heavy runon sentences that should probably be broken into shorter sentences. You will also want to do a touch of google digging on 'speech tag punctuation', but let's not dwell on those tiny things yet. This looks like it could be a nice story.

This post has been edited by Acadian: Aug 12 2010, 08:28 PM

[hazmick]

Thankyou very much this was quite a fast piece, i'm gonna take it slow and make it more detailed with the next one. thanks for the tips, i'll be sure to take them on board

[SubRosa]

Indeed, this was a good start. You show us a bit about your main character (rather than tell us, which is excellent btw.), and it would seem set up the main quest of the game to start from here.

You do have a lot of run on sentences that ought to be broken up. Plus you missed some other grammar nits like capitalization and a space at the beginning of a sentence.

[Destri Melarg]

I agree with SubRosa. It is nice to discover facts about the character in the natural order of events rather than being told everything. We discover that Haa-Rei is Argonian by the legionairre calling him 'pondscum'(as if his name wasn't already a dead giveaway ). We also learn that, at this point in his life he is a beggar who considers a loaf of bread 'prize bounty'. I think you have an interesting start here. I look forward to seeing this continued.

[hazmick]

@ SubRosa: I'm glad you like it. I'm going to dip in and out of the main quest to avoid being a hero but to give my character something to do.

@ Destri Melarg: Thankyou, it will continue every couple of days.

This post has been edited by hazmick: Aug 13 2010, 07:58 PM

[treydog]

Others have already pointed out the richness of your descriptions and the fact that you let the story itself reveal information about the character, his circumstances, etc. Good examples of showing rather than telling.

[hazmick]

@ All: thanks for reading, enjoy.

Chapter 1.1


I awoke to the smell of mould and decay. My head felt thick and my left temple throbbed from where I’d collided with what appeared to be a table. I was still wearing my sack cloth pants and shirt. The prison was kind enough to give me some shoes.

Sitting up slowly, I looked around. The walls were made of dark, grimy stone. The floor was of a similar material and had patches of straw here and there, presumably for use as a toilet. The door was made of thick iron bars and there was a small window high up on the wall opposite the door. It did nothing to clear the air and only a small amount of light made it through. Rusty chains hung from the ceiling to my right and bones were scattered on the floor to my left.

I stood up slowly, my legs were shaking as I crossed the small room and sat down on the stool, there was a jug and cup on the table in front of the stool but the water looked as stale as the rest of the room. I noticed some blood on the corner of the table and raised my hand to check my head wound, there was dry blood attempting to form a scab but other than that I was in top shape.

My eyes drifted across the hall from my cell. A white haired Dunmer man stood in the shadows

“Hey lizard, it must break your heart to be so close to the water, knowing that you’ll never get to swim again…” A smirk played across his thin lips.

“What do you mean?” I replied, trying to sound brave.

The Dunmer continued, “…sometimes when they let us in the yard, you can hear the sounds from the lake. The boats, the gulls…”

I didn’t reply but he carried on talking, his voice sounded more menacing, “You’ll never get to swim again, Argonian. Don’t worry though, you’ll be dead soon enough.” He laughed as he stepped back into the shadows. A cold shiver ran up my spine.

The sounds of jangling keys and armour reached my ears. It was coming from the steps outside my cell.

My mind raced at my oncoming death, what horrors might await me at the hands of the merciless guards. Perhaps the Dunmer was right and I’d never swim again.

Three soldiers in heavy armour reached the bottom of the steps; they were surrounding an old man in a rich looking robe.

One of the soldiers reached my cell. A female Breton with pale skin and brown eyes, she spoke with authority to the other soldiers.

“What’s this prisoner doing here, this cell is supposed to be off limits.”

Another soldier stepped forward to answer, “Must have been a mix up with the watch, I…I…”

“Never mind, get that gate open.” The Breton spoke again, this time in a hurried tone.

I watched as the gate swung open and the soldiers stepped into my cell. The Breton woman walked to the side of my bed and pressed a stone on the wall. The bricks swung back, revealing a dark passageway.

The old man that the soldiers were protecting stepped forward to talk to me. His shoulder length hair was grey and flecked with white. His creased face looked tired but his blue eyes were alert and watchful.

“You, I’ve seen you. You were the one from my dreams. Then the stars were right and this is the day.” His voice was soft yet had an edge of power. “My blades are leading me out of the city using a secret escape route. By chance, that route leads through your cell.”

“Who are you?” I asked, trying to keep eye contact.

“I am your emperor, Uriel Septim. I serve Tamriel as her ruler, by the grace of the nine.” His eyes sparkled and he stood up straight, showing a large red stone set into a gold frame. The Amulet of Kings! He really was the Emperor.

“Come on sire, we must keep moving.” The Breton woman placed her hand on the Emperor’s arm, leading him through the hole in the wall.

The remaining soldiers followed the Emperor and the Breton into the passageway, leaving me alone in my cell.

Taking a last look at the mould and rot, I quickly followed them down the passageway. The earthy tunnel soon gave way to a room of white stone, dust and cobwebs covered every surface. The sound of fighting came from a neighbouring room. I carefully headed down the small stone steps.

I emerged into a large room that was similar to the first but with two sets of steps. Several bodies littered the floor, people dressed in red robes and hoods. One body stood out from the rest, the Breton woman.

The Emperor and his two remaining guards were at the bottom of the steps, heading through a small wooden door.

When I caught up with them, one of the guards turned to me, he was a Redguard. "Stay here prisoner, don't try to follow us." His voice was kind, yet strong. I decided not to argue as the group passed through the door, I heard it lock behind them. Great, I was stuck.

This post has been edited by hazmick: Aug 14 2010, 05:18 PM

[Acadian]

Wel-done hazmick! You really progress from your prologue.

Your writing seems much better and the run on sentences are almost gone. Take a look at this one though:

The door was made of thick iron bars and there was a small window high up on the wall opposite the door, {I recommend break the sentence here} it did nothing to clear the air and only a small amount of light made it through.

This is wonderful. I know the dialogue is from the game, but the bold part is beautiful.

“Hey lizard, it must break your heart to be so close to the water, knowing that you’ll never get to swim again…” A smirk played across his thin lips.

I see you also did some looking into speech tag punctuation.

My goodness, I am laboring on about your technical stuff. I suppose mostly because I am so impressed by your sharp learning curve here. You definitely 'get it' about show vs tell.

Now, the story: I like it a lot. I must confess a weakness for accounts of other players going through the game of Oblivion. I am always fascinated by the perspectives their character see, and the differences the writer brings to familiar things. So, this seems to be my kind of story.

I like how you are not pushing details of your poor Argonian at us in a rapid manner, but letting your character reaveal themself to us. Hmm, do you notice that I'm referring to your character in a gender neutral manner? Indeed, I can't say if your lizard be he or she yet. If I somehow missed that, please slap me. If you have not yet revealed it, I look forward to discovering. See? You have me anxiously awaiting more of your story.

This post has been edited by Acadian: Aug 14 2010, 03:05 PM

[SubRosa]

As Acadian said, much better on the technical bits this time around. The only nits I saw were the same two that he already brought up.

The story itself I continue to like. Ha-Rei is the kind of protagonist I like. Someone who is not super-powered, but rather a very down to water Argonian. The kind of person that is easy to relate to, and feel sympathy for.

One thing I did notice is that we have not seen Ha-Rei's name in the actual story yet. I hope we will be seeing it soon (and a description of her/him). One of the problems with using 1st Person is that it is very difficult to do that without it seeming forced. Usually it has to come out either in dialogue with others, self-refection, or even a flashback.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Aug 16 2010, 09:22 PM

[treydog]

Late to the party, as usual...

I completely endorse what the two excellent reader/writers above have said. You do a great job of "personalizing" the opening sequences- not an easy task given the "one size fits all" nature of this part of the game.

[hazmick]

@ all: such wonderful praise from such wonderful writers as yourselves.

chapter 1.2


I needed a weapon. Any weapon. The red robed corpses carried nothing but their robes. The Breton! She carried two swords, a curved longsword and a steel shortsword. Both weapons fitted perfectly onto a belt one of the robes was carrying. Now to find an exit.

A search of the room revealed a section of the wall with several bricks missing. I used the shortsword as a lever and the whole wall crumbled, revealing a room with a door at the far end.

On the left hand side of the room I found a pile of bones with some tattered leather armour, some lockpicks, a bow and a quiver with a few arrows.

I had some basic bow and blade skills from hanging around the fighters guild in Leyawiin. At first I went for food but my fighting skills gradually improved. The guild members would always have lots of spare time and I was welcome to spar with them, especially S'kasha. She loved teaching marksmanship skills to me and Amusei. We'd come to the Imperial City to join the thieves guild. I'd been here for ten minutes before I got arrested.

I shook my head. I needed to get out of here first.

After putting on the leather cuirass and securing the best of the arrows on my hip I was ready to proceed. Picking open the locked door at the end of the room I tightened the bow string and crept forward into the darkness.

Eventually I emerged into a large cavern. My eyes scanned the area from the safety of the shadows. Four goblins and some rats.

The closest goblin was to my left and only one arrow was needed. The next goblin was to my right and again fell to my first arrow.
Another goblin was in a large pit in the centre of the cavern, a pen in front of him held three rats prisoner. On closer inspection I found a rock tied to some string above the pit.

Sneaking forward, I pulled the string gently and the door of rat pen swung open. I retreated out of the cave as the goblins and rats began to fight each other. The sounds of claw, tooth, steel and magic echoed through the caves.

When everything was quiet again I crept back into the cave. Only one goblin remained but it was taller than the others and carried a large staff. A shaman. Its back was turned to me and I saw my opportunity.

Remembering my marksman training from S'kasha; I nocked an arrow and drew it to half tension, aiming slightly above the creature I drew it to full tension and released. The arrow struck home but only staggered the shaman.

The goblin spun round, an arrow protruding from its thin chest. The Shaman's staff lowered towards me and a bolt of lightning slammed into my left shoulder. I winced at the pain and the scent of charred flesh. The bow slipped from my grasp.

The goblin lowered the staff again but I was ready. I skipped to the side of the lightning and drew my sword. The beast was relentless in its assault but I kept dodging attacks until the staff stopped, out of charge.

I ran forward at the now unprotected goblin and sank the curved blade of the longsword into the creature’s neck. Warm blood cascaded over the limp green body. I stabbed my sword into its chest to be sure it was dead.

My legs started shaking and I sat down on the floor. Before now I had never killed anything with a bow.

The wound on my shoulder throbbed. The flesh was charred and the leather of the cuirass had been completely destroyed.

The Shaman's robe provided the material I needed to cover my shoulder but it was still badly burned so using a bow was out of the question. I would have to make do with the sword. It looked quite valuable, perhaps I could sell it when I escaped. If I escaped.


The tunnel ahead gradually changed from the damp, earthy cave to the grey bricks like the ones in my prison cell. The exit must be near.

I was alerted to voices ahead and crept forward. The emperor and his bodyguards stood in the centre of a small room, surrounded by more red robed corpses. Relief washed over my body. I would be safer with the Emperor.

I dropped down into the room. Ignoring the looks of the bodyguards. The Emperor turned to talk to me, his calm eyes surveying the thin and slightly roasted street beggar before him.

"They cannot understand why I trust you, but you must help us," His voice was still as smooth and welcoming as before.

"How can I help?" I asked.

"Do you know the Nine?" His eyes studied me carefully.

"Well, I'm not really a chapel person," I could tell that he wasn't impressed with my answer but he carried on talking about the gods and his own death.

"Sire," The Redguard interrupted. "We have to keep moving." The Emperor nodded and the group moved on, this time I was allowed to follow if I held the torch. I gladly accepted the burden and took to my role of torch-bearer with vigour and determination. The torchlight glinted off the armour of the Bodyguards, and the assassins.

The assassins posed no threat to me or the Emperor as the two guards were skilled with their blades. One assassin nearly got me but it seems the Emperor isn't too shabby either, his silver shortsword nearly cut the assassin in two!

Soon enough though we reached a dead end.

A door creaked in the room behind us.

"Wait here with the Emperor, guard him with your life!" The Redguard's voice told me that this wasn't a request and the two guards left the room to face the assassins.

The Emperor turned to talk once more, this time his voice was desperate and his eyes wide.

"My guards are strong and true, but even the might of the Blades cannot stand against the Power that rises to destroy us. The Prince of Destruction awakes, born anew in blood and fire. These cutthroats are but his mortal pawns." He pressed something into my hand and closed my fist around it. "Take my Amulet. Give it to Jauffre. I have a secret son, and Jauffre alone knows where to find him." He stepped away from me as I tried to speak.

"But...wh..." My voice shook and my words stopped. The Emperor began to speak again.

"Find the last of my blood, and close shut the marble jaws of Oblivion." He closed his eyes as a section of the wall disappeared, revealing an assassin. The barbed mace struck the Emperor's head with a sickening crack.

The assassin turned to me but was intercepted and dispatched by a figure to my right. One of the bodyguards. The Redguard.

"We've failed...I've failed." The soldier's voice was weak as he held the Emperor in his arms. He turned to me. "The amulet, where's the amulet?" he asked.

"The Emperor gave it to m-me. I have to t-take it to J-Jauffre." My voice still had not recovered from the shock.

"Grandmaster Jauffre. He lives as a monk at Weynon Priory, near Chorrol." He explained. "The amulet will be safe there."

"I'm sorry..." I had no idea what to say to him.

"It wasn't your fault, I'll need you to sign something. We don't want you getting arrested for jail breaking," He took out a quill and ink well from beneath his cuirass and quickly wrote up a document of pardon. "What's your name sir?"

"Haa-Rei," I replied

"What is your class?" The Redguard smiled at my confused look. "Your profession?"

I decided against saying 'Beggar' but that is all I had ever done. I thought of a conversation I had had with Deeh. He spoke of my father in Black Marsh. Before the Dunmer had taken my parents away, my father was a 'Marsh Ranger'. Mercenaries hired by the Empire to patrol Black Marsh and protect merchants.

"Marsh Ranger" I said.

"I wasn't far of. A few goblins and rats won't give you any trouble." His face creased into a wide smile.

"This key opens the door ahead, after that you'll need to go through the sewers. I'll wait with the Emperor's body until help arrives." He motioned towards the hole in the wall. "Good luck, sir."

I handed over the Breton's curved blade in return for the key to the sewers and fifteen gold coins. I set off slowly with the steel shortsword ready. I couldn't believe what had just happened, or if it had happened at all. Marsh Ranger. The words echoed in my head. Sounds dangerous, so do the goblins.

The way out was easy to find and I managed to sneak past two goblins. Even a Marsh Ranger knows when he's outmatched. Within minutes I was outside. Standing before a large lake. Alone again.

This post has been edited by hazmick: Sep 6 2010, 01:51 PM

[Acadian]

I thoroughly enjoyed Haa-Rei's trials of the tutorial. Well done! Escaped, and alone again now.

Hmm, I'm still wondering if Haa-Rei is a he or she lizard.

After putting on the leather cuirass and securing the best of the arrows on my left hip I was ready to proceed.

Ah, I see you are of the arrow bag on the hip instead of quiver upon the back persuasion. A fine choice. The typical bag-using right-handed archer holds the bow in their left hand and takes arrows from a bag on their right hip. Is Haa-Rei left handed, or perhaps reaching across the body to grab arrows, or possibly simply trying to arrange things around the two blades he is carrying?


Although I am delighted with how your story is developing, this chapter seemed to sprout some nit type errors. Multiple edits before posting are what help me to reduce those pesky nits.

When everything was quite again I crept back into the cave.

quiet

It’s back was turned to me and I saw my opportunity.

Its (its = possessive; it's = it is)

Remembering my marksman training from [NAME HERE] ;

Incomplete edit. Using a different color or highlighting such things in your drafts can make them easier to not overlook.

I stabbed by sword into it's chest to be sure it was dead.

my / its

The Shamans robe provided the material I needed to cover my shoulder but it was still badly burned so using a bow was out of the question.

Shaman's

The soldiers voice was weak as he held the Emperor in his arms.

soldier's

This post has been edited by Acadian: Aug 16 2010, 06:45 PM

[SubRosa]

Haa-Rei continues to be an interesting character. In this segment s/he turns into quite the fighter, which was a bit surprising after the first post, where he seemed much less sure of himself, and less eager to rush into battle. It would have felt smoother if there was something to trigger that transformation, like nearly being killed by a rat that jumped out of the shadows and forced him to reach down to find that cold killer.

It also seems a bit rushed. Everything moves so quickly that we do not really experience much of what Haa-Rei is thinking or feeling. That is not really a nit, just an observation, and all really a question on what you want to concentrate on in your writing: advancing the plot or character development.


nits:
Lots of little grammar and spelling issues. As Acadian said, doing some edits before posting would probably reduce most of this. I typically do 3-4 extra drafts after I have finished my first draft (which is writing a piece all the way from start to finish). In each draft I read through the entire thing, looking for issues with spelling, grammar, and of course make sure every event on my outline made it in the story. I do each draft a day apart, because unless I take that 24 hour break, I will simply not see the mistakes.

I knocked an arrow to my bow and drew it to half tension
That would be nocked. Using it in that form, you do not need to say "to my bow", "nocked an arrow" is a common way of putting it.

aiming slightly above the Creature I drew it to full tension and released
creature ought to be lowercase, as it is not a proper noun.

The same is true of shaman, it is not a proper noun either, so ought to be lowercase.

"They cannot understand why I trust you, but you must help us,"
This needs a comma where I inserted it. As a good rule of thumb, when you read a sentence and want to draw another breath, that is where you want a comma or period.

The assassins posed no threat to me or the Emperor as the Two guards
two should be lowercase here.

The Barbed mace struck the Emperor's head
same with barbed.

[Destri Melarg]

Chapter 1.1

I am in complete agreement with everything that Acadian, ‘Rosa, and trey said. Your descriptions were solid, and the dialogue flowed naturally. My only (miniscule) nit would be here:

“I serve Tamriel as her ruler, by the grace of the nine.”

Whenever you refer to the Nine as deities they should be capitalized. See . . . miniscule.

Chapter 1.2

Hmmm, marksman training from someone named S’Kasha. A Khajiit? Would it be too great a leap to infer that, before Haa-Rei was a beggar, he (or she, now that Acadian has brought it up, and I can’t get it out of my mind ) spent some form of his/her developing years in Leyawiin? Somehow the thought of an Argonian and a Khajiit being friends in a place where the two races are constantly at each other’s throats appeals to me.

I love the irony that Haa-Rei can no longer use a rusted iron bow and has to ‘make do’ with an Akaviri katana.

[hazmick]

I've just done a quick edit to solve the some of the nits and to answer the gender question.

[Acadian]

Nice edits, and well-worth a reread! So, the Marsh Ranger Haa-Rei is a he-lizard! Wonderful.

[SubRosa]

Agreed, the extra bits do fill things in. Haa-Rei being pals with Amusei is a brilliant touch! He is one of my favorite Argonians. The Marsh Rangers are a great idea, and excellent way of tying that to Haa-Rei's father.

[treydog]

Marsh Ranger. The words echoed in my head. Sounds dangerous, so do the goblins.

I managed to sneak past two goblins. Even a Marsh Ranger knows when he's outmatched.

I pulled those two quotes because they highlight one of the things I love- dry humor. And the closing sentence of the installment tells us a great deal about our young "Marsh Ranger." It will be a joy to watch this Argonian as he ventures out into the world.

[mALX]

Now this one I will LOVE !!! Oblivion, YEAH!!!