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Edward an Imperial's Story, Coward, bounder, thief, murderer...and hero? |
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| Rachel the Breton |
Aug 25 2010, 01:22 AM
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Agent
Joined: 31-March 10

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For many, this story is not new, but has been running for awhile on Bethesda. While most of the beginning is not going to be updated, there are points where I'm fixing the grammar/tweaking things...so, if you want to reread, or if you haven't read it yet, please do. This is a parody, so note that I've taken some rather significant liberties with the story/world...I know some people hate that, so you've been warned. Oh prison really, really sucks, I should be out making big bucks Instead I'm rotting in this stinking cell I just hope my honoured user jailer rots in hell! -- Edward's Lament Chapter One Once upon a time, in a far away land, an Imperial named Edward lived in the Imperial Dungeon of the Imperial City . Edward was an average young man, with nothing outstanding about his background, family, life, or appearance. Indeed, he was so ordinary that no one seemed to know anything about him, and he didn't remember anything about his past (at least, that was his story, and he was sticking to it). All he knew was that he was stuck in a jail cell -- and there, across from him, was another prisoner, taunting him. Edward didn't pay much attention to what was said, but he got the gist...the guards were going to torture and kill him, as that's all that happened to prisoners here. " Funny," Edward thought, " this guy doesn't look like he's been tortured, and, unfortunately, he's still alive, and making a damn lot of noise, too..." Just then, the distant clinking of armor came to the prisoners' ears. "Aha, they're coming for you!" the annoying prisoner taunted. Edward frowned. Maybe, just maybe, he might find out why he was here. It couldn't have been those loaves of bread, swiped from the King and Queen Tavern, could it? Nah, no one saw him, he was sure. What about that beggar...what was his name?...that he'd pickpocketed as he slept in the rain outside the chapel. No, surely, they wouldn't throw a respectable young man like him in prison over a slimy beggar, would they? He waited, musing these things silently, as the noise grew louder, and then, to his surprise, a group of guards and a very well dressed man came into view. Edward's blue eyes sparkled as he saw the rich robes. " Those must be worth a fortune! And that amulet! I'll bet I could sell that for a lot!""Stand aside, prisoner!" an authoritative voice demanded. "Move to the end of the cell, and do not interfere!" Edward hesitated, his eyes still fixed on the amulet. "Now! Or we'll make you!" the voice commanded again. Something in the tone caused Edward to draw his eyes away from the sparkling gem, and to the speaker. Jumping as he did so, he quickly complied; the speaker had been a less-than-friendly, armor clad, weapon wielding warrior, surrounded by two similarly attired, similarly armed, similarly disposed warriors. Edward tripped in his haste to oblige, but pulled himself up quickly. "Why certainly, milady! Happy to be of service!" he declared. The warrior scoffed at him, and turned to the rich man. "The passage is here, my lord. I don't know why they put a prisoner in this cell; it is always supposed to be off limits." The rich man seemed sullen, and did not speak. "Come with us, my emperor; time is pressing!" "Emperor!" Edward gasped. "Why?" the Emperor asked, his tone melancholy. "It's no use...nothing is any use anymore." The warriors exchanged glances, and the apparent leader spoke again. "My lord, let us get you to sanctuary, where you may then contemplate the futility of existence in safety." Edward hadn't paid much attention to this conversation, though, as he'd found his eyes returning to the amulet. " You know," he thought to himself, " I'll bet an emperor's amulet would sell for a fortune, even if that ruby is fake!" He found himself licking his lips nervously. Here, merely an arm's length away, was probably his fortune made; but his arms were shackled, and three very unsympathetic guards stood between him and retirement. The Emperor seemed to sense Edward's eyes on him, and he turned. The old man's eyes lit up. "You!" he whispered. "I've seen you in my dreams!" Edward grimaced. "Sorry, but I don't go that way." The Emperor looked at him in puzzlement. "This is fate!" he said at last. "Sorry," Edward said, stepping backwards. "Not interested." To himself, he wondered at the impertinence of this man. " And, really," he thought, " that's the worst line I've ever heard. 'I've seen you in my dreams'...please!" "But...the fate of the world rests in your hands! The gods have chosen you to save this empire!" Edward blinked. He liked the sound of that, but he was still suspicious about the old man's motives. "How?" "My sons are dead...my time in this life is at an end," the Emperor said. "Oh, I see," Edward said, his manner suddenly very engaging and excited. "And you need a good, trustworthy soul to take over the empire after you...expire? And, of course, you recognize the very virtues and character you seek in me?" The Emperor raised an eyebrow. "No...but I might need you to deliver a message for me, if I expire before I can deliver it myself." Edward's jaw dropped. "A message? You think my virtues and character are only worthy of being a royal messenger?!" "Well," the Emperor answered slowly, "not really...but, if my visions are right, you'll be the only one I have left to carry the message when the time comes, so I'll have to take a chance on you." Edward frowned deeply at the old man. Of all the insolence! "Are you interested?" the Emperor asked. "Sorry, Mr. Kingy, but you can take your message and stick it up your..." Edward paused, seeing the warriors suddenly moving at him. "...mailbox?" he finished meekly. The Emperor shrugged, and started to head down a passage that had, somehow, appeared in Edward's cell wall. "Ah well, suit yourself. Of course, it would have meant that you'd get out of prison, but..." By now, the guards and emperor had disappeared around a bend in the passage, but Edward lost no time in taking to his heels after them, calling, "Wait! Wait, I've changed my mind!" This post has been edited by Rachel the Breton: Aug 25 2010, 01:28 AM
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Replies
| Rachel the Breton |
Sep 3 2010, 02:36 AM
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Agent
Joined: 31-March 10

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Mysterious haunting of the Inn of Ill Omen! It is with a fearful pen that your trusted courier brings you this startling news! The secluded Inn of Ill Omen, according to an eye witness, has been visited by a dark stranger who murdered a patron, known as Rufio. Furthermore, the innkeeper has completely vanished, leading to rumors that the dark stranger was, in fact, a mysterious, malevolent spirit, and his visit was in fact a haunting. Be that as it may, this correspondent will certainly not be patronizing the Inn of Ill Omen any time soon! -- Black Horse Courier, Special News Bulletin
Chapter Fifteen
"So, you must be a new killer?" the pretty young woman asked of Edward, who was still picking cobwebs out of his eyebrows.
Glancing up from between his unnaturally long, gray eyebrows, Edward smiled at the girl, now very conscious of the webs hanging all over his head. "Yes," he replied. Then, before he could continue, he noticed a spider on one of the webs hanging in front of his eyes. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, running backwards as though to distance himself from the thing. His back meeting sharply with a wall, he found himself running forward, backward, to the side, this way and that, blindly, screaming in terror and flailing his arms wildly as he did so. It seemed all sense had vanished, and all he was left with was a dread panic, only increased by the presence of the spider before and between his eyes, now apparently clinging onto his nose for fear of falling off. Finally, one poorly calculated turn put him in face-to-stone contact with a pillar, which was very quickly followed up by butt-to-stone contact with the floor. Edward lay still for a few moments, and then blinked. His head hurt, very intensely, and his butt wasn't particularly comfortable either. Staring at the stone ceiling above him, he couldn't remember his location or even his name. "Where am I?" he asked, of no one in particular.
"In our hideout," a pleasant voice beside him said. "What happened?"
He was wondering the same thing, and turned to see the speaker. It was a beautiful, blue eyed girl. He smiled at her, "Well, I don't know, but, hey, how would you feel about going out with me this..." He paused, frowning. "What day is it?" After all, it was hard to ask a girl out when you didn't know when you were supposed to go out.
The girl frowned at him, but another voice, a deeper, masculine one, spoke. "What in the name of Mehrunes Dagon's beard was that??"
Edward started, and turned to him. He was an older man, with hard, sharp, prominent canine teeth. "What?"
"That running around and screaming bit," the other man said.
And then, all at once, everything came back to him, and Edward remembered what had caused his fit. "SPIDER!!!!!!!" he screamed.
The pretty girl frowned, and said, "Is that what that splotch is on your nose?" Edward screamed again, but, shushing him, she said, "It's quite dead now. You probably flattened it when you ran into the pillar."
Panting, still terrified, Edward flailed his arms, too frightened to do anything else. "Get it off! Get it off!" he managed to breathe.
The girl's frown intensified, but, cautiously, she leaned forward and wiped something off his face with a handkerchief.
"Arachnophobia," the dour man beside him said, meditatively. "Clear case of it."
"Well," the young woman spoke with a frown, "if you hate spiders so much, why on earth are you using your head as a cobweb duster?"
Edward felt the color rising to his pallid cheek, and he said, "I wasn't using my head as a cobweb duster!" Turning to Vicente, he snapped, "And I don't have arachnophobia, or whatever it was you said!"
Vicente shook his head, saying only, "Oh yes you do. You may not realize it, but I recognize the signs very clearly."
"You? How? What are you, some sort of doctor?"
"No," the woman said, "but he has Alliumphobia."
"And I recognize the signs of phobia in you," the man finished.
Edward frowned. Truth to be told, he was terrified of spiders. "Well," he said, still not ready to concede the point, "are you saying you act like that whenever you see aluminum?"
Vicente and the woman glanced at each other, their eyebrows raised.
"Alliumphobia is the fear of garlic," the girl answered.
"Well, whatever," Edward said, waving aside the correction. "But are you saying you act like I did when you see garlic?"
"Well," Vicente said hesitantly, "I respond in a somewhat more dignified manner, but the fear is similar."
Edward frowned again. Dignified? Who did this dour, stuffed shirt Breton think he was?
"Anyway," Vicente declared, "Enough about that. Welcome to our lair. I am your reference and taskmaster here, and will be for some time."
"Oh," Edward said.
"I will be in charge of sending you on tasks, and will pay you upon their completion. But, before we begin, you must meet your fellow guildmates. First," he said, pointing to the young lady at Edward's side, "I'd like to introduce you to Antionetta Marie."
"Charmed," Edward smiled.
"She is a Slayer in the Brotherhood," Vicente informed him.
"Which," Antionetta pointed out, "is a rank higher than a Killer."
"Oh, I see," Edward smiled, quite untruthfully, as he had no idea of the rank system in the Brotherhood.
"Which is your rank," she informed him, smiling for the first time.
"Oh," he repeated, with some degree of clarity. "So you outrank me?"
"You better believe it," she returned with a steely smile.
He frowned, but said nothing.
"Well," Vicente declared, "time to meet the rest of the family."
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Posts in this topic
Rachel the Breton Edward an Imperial's Story Aug 25 2010, 01:22 AM Rachel the Breton Warriors that come and go,
Dead men that I don... Aug 25 2010, 01:26 AM mALX WOO HOO !!!! Edward, Docada, and... Aug 25 2010, 01:27 AM haute ecole rider Yay! Rachel's arrived! Now we have not... Aug 25 2010, 01:41 AM Rachel the Breton Thanks mALX and haute ecole rider! Glad to br... Aug 25 2010, 04:42 AM mALX I love the drawing, and it puts Edward into a diff... Aug 25 2010, 05:00 AM Winter Wolf *wolf looks each way before posting*
I spent a lo... Aug 25 2010, 07:25 AM treydog Let's see:
Beverages removed from vicinity- c... Aug 25 2010, 03:22 PM D.Foxy O Cowering Wolf, even under the bed thee shalt not... Aug 25 2010, 03:41 PM treydog
O Cowering Wolf, even under the bed thee shalt no... Aug 25 2010, 04:23 PM  mALX
Now, tell me, readers - exactly where on the m... Aug 25 2010, 05:11 PM D.Foxy ...no, Maxie, they don't have our PEARLS.... Aug 25 2010, 05:12 PM mALX
...no, Maxie, they don't have our PEARLS....
... Aug 25 2010, 05:39 PM SubRosa Edward returns! For the first time as it were,... Aug 25 2010, 05:15 PM D.Foxy A joke that is a-dirty
'An you be holdin' ... Aug 25 2010, 05:50 PM mALX
A joke that is a-dirty
'An you be holdin... Aug 25 2010, 06:06 PM Rachel the Breton Winter Wolf: Thanks! I love writing comedy, al... Aug 26 2010, 12:05 AM Rachel the Breton He spoke of fate and dreams,
But I've got othe... Aug 26 2010, 12:08 AM Rachel the Breton Before my death they called me an emo,
But those f... Aug 26 2010, 12:12 AM haute ecole rider Once again, I laughed at the vision of Edward runn... Aug 26 2010, 12:23 AM D.Foxy :D :blink: :P :lol: :wacko: :D
And Puh-lent... Aug 26 2010, 02:22 AM Winter Wolf
You forgot only one thing - dirty poets. *looks ... Aug 26 2010, 07:41 AM treydog As others have noted, Edward’s “tail” is a pricele... Aug 26 2010, 03:58 PM mALX SPEW !!!!! These poems at the... Aug 26 2010, 06:21 PM Rachel the Breton Thanks all. I must confess, the "tail" a... Aug 30 2010, 02:34 AM D.Foxy And, thus it was, that the head of camel entered t... Aug 30 2010, 02:39 AM mALX
And, thus it was, that the head of camel entered ... Aug 30 2010, 03:03 AM Rachel the Breton The hands of fate were set in motion,
What was to ... Aug 30 2010, 02:49 AM Rachel the Breton In a shocking occurrence, the well-known Market Ci... Aug 30 2010, 02:59 AM mALX Simplicia the Slow? Why didn't I remember tha... Aug 30 2010, 11:42 AM treydog This story is always such fun. Everything is bril... Aug 30 2010, 03:41 PM haute ecole rider EDWARD KILLED SIMPLICIA!!! :blink:
I... Aug 30 2010, 03:43 PM Rachel the Breton LOL, you're right, treydog, he is somewhere on... Sep 1 2010, 02:48 AM Rachel the Breton Shocking assault and theft!
It is with difficu... Sep 1 2010, 02:59 AM Rachel the Breton There was a time when all the gods were in accord,... Sep 1 2010, 03:13 AM Rachel the Breton Of kings and cowards he sings,
Of war and the dev... Sep 1 2010, 03:21 AM SubRosa "I can't do this!" he thought. ... Sep 1 2010, 04:11 AM D.Foxy I sTILL am gigGlinG about how eDwArD mixed up the ... Sep 1 2010, 05:04 AM mALX I have so missed Edward's shrieks! Here i... Sep 1 2010, 06:04 AM Remko Yay :) You found your way here too.
Can't wa... Sep 1 2010, 11:25 AM haute ecole rider
Then --
:lol: :lol: :lol: Sep 1 2010, 02:03 PM treydog The part where he discovered the map in his pocket... Sep 1 2010, 03:38 PM Rachel the Breton Thanks all -- and thanks for pointing out favorite... Sep 3 2010, 02:25 AM Rachel the Breton 'Tis Fate's cruel jest,
To promote this je... Sep 3 2010, 02:31 AM Rachel the Breton The acolyte entered the sanctuary,
And in his wake... Sep 3 2010, 03:20 AM treydog Chapter Thirteen
The auto-censor doesn’t care f... Sep 3 2010, 12:03 PM mALX Wait...Manheim is...and helped kill Rufio.... * ... Sep 3 2010, 12:10 PM Rachel the Breton LOL, thanks for noting that, treydog...honoured us... Sep 6 2010, 01:39 AM Rachel the Breton The world is boorish and callous,
With no apprecia... Sep 6 2010, 01:44 AM Rachel the Breton Hear the tolling of the bell,
Hear it sound the de... Sep 6 2010, 01:50 AM D.Foxy Now make one of the Rats crawl up the Bwiddish Bod... Sep 6 2010, 02:12 AM Rachel the Breton Cowardice will never pay,
At least, that's wha... Sep 6 2010, 02:56 AM mALX Wow, Edward has shown some real cunning...and has ... Sep 6 2010, 04:36 AM treydog “Edward the Exterminator- to catch a rat, you have... Sep 6 2010, 01:32 PM Rachel the Breton Hi all, and thanks for the comments! Sorry I h... Sep 11 2010, 04:11 AM Rachel the Breton He whose name is forgotten,
We had something to s... Sep 11 2010, 04:19 AM Rachel the Breton When in trouble, when in doubt,
Run in circles, sc... Sep 11 2010, 04:25 AM treydog No worries about the delay- we will always be read... Sep 11 2010, 12:32 PM Rachel the Breton Quite right, treydog...it was none other than the ... Sep 12 2010, 09:12 PM mALX ARGH !!! Treydog quoted my fave lines... Sep 12 2010, 05:12 AM Rachel the Breton News flash from the Imperial Docks!
In a shock... Sep 13 2010, 12:02 AM treydog
Yup, that’s Edward. I’d know him anywhere.
Unt... Sep 13 2010, 12:20 AM Rachel the Breton
And then Edward's obsession with his first s... Sep 13 2010, 12:35 AM haute ecole rider I happen to be familiar with your posting tendenci... Sep 13 2010, 02:46 AM D.Foxy It is obvious that hautee has been infected by the... Sep 13 2010, 06:53 AM treydog The sad loss of Edward's first "trophy.... Sep 13 2010, 03:41 PM D.Foxy Trey! :O
Are you casting doubt on the masculi... Sep 13 2010, 03:53 PM haute ecole rider
Trey! :O
Are you casting doubt on the mascul... Sep 13 2010, 05:40 PM mALX Sorry it took so long Rachel, RL has run me ragged... Sep 14 2010, 02:39 AM Rachel the Breton Hi all, thanks for the comments.
@treydog: ... Sep 19 2010, 04:17 PM Rachel the Breton
Have the gods succumbed to senility,
To promote ... Sep 19 2010, 04:31 PM Rachel the Breton
Wreaking havoc where he goes,
Leaving destruction... Sep 19 2010, 04:39 PM Rachel the Breton Of fools and thieves we sings,
Who come and take o... Sep 19 2010, 04:49 PM mALX The letter from the Gray Fox was huge! But on... Sep 19 2010, 06:59 PM treydog
Edward's irresistible "anti-charisma... Sep 19 2010, 07:17 PM sford564 One of my favorite parts of the entire story is wh... Sep 19 2010, 08:03 PM haute ecole rider Gaston Tussaud's fate is just as likely for so... Sep 19 2010, 09:32 PM Rachel the Breton Thanks for the comments all!
@mALX: Thanks..... Sep 22 2010, 03:35 AM mALX Oh, I just had a flash of Edwards list of people t... Sep 22 2010, 03:44 AM Rachel the Breton Thanks, mALX...I've got a little while before ... Sep 22 2010, 04:06 AM Rachel the Breton Cold as the frozen tundra
Treacherous and icy inde... Sep 22 2010, 04:13 AM Rachel the Breton Fire at the Harbor!
In yet another astonishi... Sep 22 2010, 04:20 AM mALX I remembered this chapter, the second I heard he w... Sep 22 2010, 04:24 AM Remko Hilarious as aslways :D
That's good cause E... Sep 22 2010, 11:01 AM haute ecole rider I cracked up at the comparison of heat/cold tolera... Sep 22 2010, 02:36 PM treydog Best wishes for all endeavors, especially with the... Sep 22 2010, 04:36 PM Rachel the Breton @all, thanks for the comments, and thanks much for... Sep 27 2010, 12:56 AM Rachel the Breton The rivers turn to ice,
And the mountains shiver a... Sep 27 2010, 01:05 AM Rachel the Breton Wicked deceiver, constant liar,
Of your silly tric... Sep 27 2010, 01:09 AM Rachel the Breton The empire lays on the brink of chaos,
Mehrunes Da... Sep 27 2010, 01:16 AM Rachel the Breton Our latest news bulletin comes all the way from Br... Sep 27 2010, 01:21 AM treydog The only surprise in Chapter 35 was that the valet... Sep 27 2010, 09:34 PM mALX GAAAAH !!! I couldn't read them... Sep 28 2010, 06:56 AM Remko Edward is the bestest anti-hero EVER :D You can... Sep 28 2010, 11:56 AM mALX ROFL !!! "You're in here fo... Sep 28 2010, 01:46 PM Linara It's all so good!!!! Edward is... Sep 30 2010, 05:16 AM Rachel the Breton @Linara: Glad to see you here, sharing Edward... Oct 6 2010, 02:22 AM Rachel the Breton A life lived in shadow and darkness
The crash of t... Oct 6 2010, 02:35 AM D.Foxy Before MaLX gets in...
ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL!... Oct 6 2010, 02:45 AM
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