Maya, the memoirs of a Dunmer amnesiac Options

[SubRosa]

Do not worry about not having lots of killing in very post. To be honest, I find the Fs where authors feel it is necessary to kill something every single post to be extremely boring. IMHO, the best "action" is what takes place in a character's head and heart. Not to mention in their relationships with others.

I backed away with the Captain’s sword in my hand, and it started to point at him. I forced my hand down.
I really liked this. This is the kind of action I prefer. The kind that tells us something about the protagonist, in a very subtle way.

[Destri Melarg]

This is, unfortunately, a completely actionless scene, although we do discover something about Maya- erm, nameless Dunmer girl- from the Emperor.

I agree with SubRosa. I hope I didn't give you the impression that we needed to see more bloodletting. In commenting on Maya's strength, I was referring to that strength of character that makes a protagonist proactive rather than reactive. This chapter is filled with humor, action, mystery, suspense, and drama. You managed to do all that in this short post, and no one had to die.

[Acadian]

Wonderful again! As said above, some nice character illumination and a touch of humor in Maya's observations. Hey, combat happens when the story dictates that it happens - no need to push it into stories that don't require it. We're truly not bloodthirsty here. What counts is to show us your character - just as you are so ably doing!

[Ginner]

I like how you put such a simple element of the game into such detail. A very good, intriguing start, I hope to read some follow - ups.

[treydog]

Especially on this forum there is no need to apologize for not having “action” in every post. In fact, many of us are more interested in what goes on in the character’s head and heart than in fighting. The truth is, after the fiftieth (or 500th) battle, it gets old. But learning about the character, seeing what makes her tick…. Just search the threads for “character-driven story” and you will see what we mean.

The last line is as good a reason as any to stop this episode where you did. The Emperor’s insight, Glenroy’s (justified) paranoia, and Maya’s struggle to remember- all of that makes for compelling story-telling.

[Linara]

Destri:My comment was merely me wondering if the extremely slow pace of the story was boring anyone. Evidently not
All:Thank you for your comments, and for your continued...reading, I guess. That includes all of you who don't comment! Another very short chapter, with a focus on someone other than Maya Dunmer girl person. Tell me what you think!

Chapter Three
In which there is some fighting and something strange

Baurus unfortunately was not in the position to miss the strange Dunmer girl. At the moment he was trapped in a corner, with two assassins closing in on him. His blade flashed twice, and the first assassin clutched his side as blood welled around the sword wound, but this did not deter the second assassin in the least, and he advanced even more quickly, mace held high over his head.

The assassin swung down, Baurus ducked and felt the mace miss him by an inch. As he thrust out a steel clad boot, and tripped the assassin, the second continued to pull himself closer to the fight. The strange armor that protected the assassins started to crumble, and flakes of it fell to the stone floor.

The first assassin fell to the ground, but managed to kick Baurus in the stomach as his feet swung up. His armor was falling to pieces at a faster rate, and within seconds Baurus could see the thick red robe that he wore underneath.

Both assassins gave cries of surprise and dismay as their maces disappeared, and the second collapsed on the ground and lay still, perhaps giving up completely. However, the first was not one to admit defeat so quickly, and as he scrambled to his feet, he lunged at Baurus, his mask-less face full of rage.

As Baurus shoved the assassin away, with his sword swinging in a wide arc and nearly clipping the assassin’s arm, a shaft of light shot through the tunnel where they fought, and Baurus put up an arm to block the bright rays. He heard shrieks of pain, then silence. He warily lowered his arm, not knowing what to expect. What he found, or rather what he didn’t find, was most surprising.

The assassins had vanished, and no sign of the struggle remained but the blood on the ground, and Baurus’s exhaustion. He fell to his knees and sent up a quick prayer to Akatosh. There was no time to contemplate the miracle that had just occurred, he had to continue through the tunnels, and kill the rest of the assassins. He knew that there were probably more past every corner, scuttling towards the noise of the fight like cockroaches.

He rose to his feet, head bowed by exhaustion for only a moment, then he continued onward, for the Emperor.

This post has been edited by Linara: Oct 29 2010, 04:46 PM

[SubRosa]

Yay for Baurus! I loved the trip he used! One of the things often overlooked by writers and filmmakers both is the importance that wrestling played in sword-fighting, especially armored sword-fighting. Tripping or throwing an opponent to the ground is one of the surest ways to create an opportunity to strike at the points their armor doesn't protect.

scuttling towards the noise of the fight like cockroaches
Ewww! Which is to say, and excellent metaphor!

The strange light was interesting. I wonder what that was! Perhaps the doings of a strange Dunmer girl? Or is something else afoot? I sense the scaly claw of a time dragon...

nits:
his mask less face full of rage.
I think you wanted mask-less. Otherwise it reads like a mask minus a face.


He knew that there were probably ones past every corner
Ones sounds kind of odd. Perhaps a word like more would flow better?

[Acadian]

A shift from first person Maya to third person Baurus for the perspective here. How neat! And well-done I might add. That is, by detailing this entire episode in the different perspective, it worked beautifully.

I enjoyed your presentation of how the Mythic Dawn bound armor and weaponry deteriorated on the assassins.

Like FriendRosa, I am intrigued by the mysteriously bright help Baurus received.

[treydog]

Baurus is always one of my favorite characters- a steady no-nonsense guide for the player character. And yes, there is definitely a mystery here- or another one. Don’t worry about speed or word-count; your loyal fans are addicted to this story. One advantage of Chorrol’s smaller membership is that stories don’t get pushed off the front page so quickly. And even if yours does, we will still seek Maya (sorry, unnamed Dunmer girl) out.

[Doommeister]

Linara, I'm loving the story so far. Like other, more notable posters have said, don't worry about the post length, the length of time, or anything else it gives us time to relish the thought of more.

[Destri Melarg]

I loved the visual of the assassin’s armor crumbling as the spell wears off. Like true fanatics they give no thought to personal safety in their zeal to clip Baurus. One would think that it would not have been difficult to simply recast the spell before wading into battle with an experienced Blade. Good thing zealotry trumps reason, eh?

Now we have the mystery surrounding the source of that blinding shaft of light. Could it be that there are more agents at play in the catacombs?

[ureniashtram]

Hey! I just caught up (I'm late as usual with stories) with this wonderful piece of FanFic, and let me tell you; Wow. An amnesiac for a Hero! That is just something you just don't see everyday.
I love how memories/strange reflexes occur when May-ahem-nameless Dunmer girl wields a weapon. The way you have with words instantly draws audiences in! Nicely done!

[Linara]

All: After a two or so week break, I have started writing again. Unfortunately, it took about two weeks to get this short chapter out. It's good to be back at writing!

SubRosa: Thanks for pointing out those nits. Yes, I felt Baurus at this point just wanted to get himself out of the situation, and a well-timed trip seemed appropriate.

Acadian: The mystery doesn't get explained yet, maybe soon. I'll have to think of a suitable explanation

Treydog: Baurus definitely fit into Maya unnamed dunmers world, as soon as I started writing her. I'm glad the 3rd person worked, I thought it would be better than trying to write Baurus himself.

Doommeister&ureniashtram: Thank you both for reading, I hope you continue to read and comment, and that you enjoy it!

Destri: There is definitely something strange in the catacombs, and we may discover it soon...until then, stranger things may happen. Glad the armor crumbling didn't seem offbeat.

And now for the feature presentation: Or a short part of it, anyway.

Chapter Four
In which Baurus and Maya are very relieved

I may have been a rabbit before I woke up in the cell. There’s magic that can do that, right? As it was, after about forty minutes in the dank, gloomy tunnels, I jumped at every noise, including my own footsteps. Glenroy would occasionally look back and curl his lip at me. It did not help in the slightest.

The Emperor, self-assured and all, was much more calm, and gave me a reassuring smile at times. But I couldn’t help it. I needed Baurus. And he wasn’t coming back. Or so my mind kept telling me, thinking of a thousand ways he might have been ambushed, killed or lost.

So I may have been slightly relieved when two assassins attacked us from behind. Or I may not have been, because I found myself fighting for my life, and forgetting all about the Emperor within seconds.

One assassin ran at me, swinging his mace with dreadful inaccuracy, and a thrust with the Captain’s blade into his chest soon killed him. The other assassin was luckier, and managed to reach the Emperor before he was stabbed with a short sword and then beheaded by Glenroy.

It was in the aftermath, when we were all gasping for breath and checking for injuries that Baurus ran up, slightly bloody and winded. His eyes went to the Emperor’s, and a relieved look fell over his face.

“How many?” It was my voice that asked the question of him, though I did not really wish it.

Baurus shrugged, winced and then replied, in a hoarse voice, “Six of them. Two at once, then one at a time, after that.”

Glenroy looked impressed, but I couldn’t stop worry from showing on my face. However, it was the Emperor who spoke next.

“Are you okay? Did anything else happen?”

Baurus’s face paled, and then he nodded, once.

[Destri Melarg]

It’s good to have you back, Linara. And it’s good to have Maya the unnamed Dunmer girl back as well. Her time in the tunnels has toughened her. Whereas before she could barely walk, now she is dispatching assassins with enough ease to comment on their lack of skill. Maybe it is proximity to the Emperor that has inspired this change in her, or could it be fear-induced adrenaline that has her so frosty?

[Acadian]

It's great to have you back! You style is delightful, so don't worry about the length of your posts or your frequency.

I may have been a rabbit before I woke up in the cell. There’s magic that can do that, right? As it was, after about forty minutes in the dank, gloomy tunnels, I jumped at every noise, including my own footsteps.

I liked this very much. It gives Maya a rather endearing voice, establishes a touch of tongue-in-cheek in your writing, and is quite clever and fun!

I needed Baurus. And he wasn’t coming back. Or so my mind kept telling me, thinking of a thousand ways he might have been ambushed, killed or lost.

Our amnesiac seems a bit taken by the brave Baurus. I really think he is a neat character in the game - very easy to like and respect.

[haute ecole rider]

Ah, no, my dear Acadian.

Baurus is an easy man to fall in love with.

Linara, this is quite an interesting take on what is probably the most difficult part for most TESIV writers - the tutorial dungeon. If you're unlucky enough (like me) to be stuck on a console with no mods, then it's a real b***h. So far you're doing well with this.

[SubRosa]

Yay for Linara and the unnamed Dunmer prisoner!

Lots to like here. Linara's comparison of herself to a rabbit. Glenroy's lip curling in contempt. And of course Linara wishing the Blade who didn't want her dead was still around.

No nits this time. Just a good story.

[mALX]

To me, this line was a small detail that few remember to add in their tutorial versions:

It was in the aftermath, when we were all gasping for breath and checking for injuries that Baurus ran up, slightly bloody and winded. His eyes went to the Emperor’s, and a relieved look fell over his face.

Most FF's describe the protagonist's gasps for breath - you took it that extra step and made the scene come to life and feel like a real battle had taken place by including the struggles and exhaustion of those around you as well. Bravo!

[Winter Wolf]

Yippee, a new story to read.

I loved the pacing in the first few chapters, your style of writing really suited the amnesiac tale that you are telling. Very few 'repeats' of the tutorial dungeon seem to grab my attention these days, but this one was really good. The character with no memory has allowed you to literally take the adventure any direction that you like, and helps the reader immediately care about the protagonist. I am curious to see what you plan for your writing style as much as your character. This could end up being a mystery, comedy or serious drama, who knows?!

It is good that you are trying to follow the advice of the amazing writers here at Chorrol.
If SageRosa says that there are 'no nits this time,' then that is really all the guidance you need to point your story in the right direction.

This post has been edited by Winter Wolf: Nov 13 2010, 09:31 AM

[treydog]

The first paragraph is another wonderful bit of characterization, for both the U.D.G. and Glenroy. You show a real talent for providing visual and emotional cues based on the character’s actions and expressions- have to love her new-found dependence on Baurus.