Concerned, But Powerless Options

[Petra Arkanian]

Ok. First, I need to know if this is where i post my fanfic. I'm gonna continue my story here anyway, but please, someone tell me if it's not. Okay. For the story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written By Petra


PART 1


The last thing I remember is a member of the Imperial Guard staring down at me. He was glaring (although I couldn't really be sure, as his helmet was blocking my view of everything) at me, with a sword in his hand, and a shield strapped to his arm.
It was then that I passed out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



When I came to, I was lying on a small, uncomfortable cot. In a jail cell.

Not good, I thought. Not good at all. I had never been the follow-the-law-to-the-ends-of-Tamriel type, of course, but I knew a few basic rules.

1: Do not get put in jail.

Well, okay, that's the only one I know. But still.

"Ahh, you're a pretty one, aren't you? A Nord, no? But it is all wasted. You're going to die in here! Don't you see? Die, Nord, die!"

The blue-skinned Dunmer ranted on for some time, his loud voice echoing through my prison cell, and amplifying his overly-annoy, nasaly-sounding voice.

'Just my luck,' I thought. 'Not only do I have to be next to this stupid Dunmer, but my cell has to have good accoustics, too!'

As soon as I decided that I would punch him when he next spoke, the sound of footsteps drowned out his rant, taking my opportunity of violence with it.

"Hurry up, Barus! I won't risk the Emperors' life on your slow gait!" snapped a bossy Breton female. But why was she talking about the Emperor ? That was madness! Even I was taught to show respect to him, and here she was, mentioning his name as causually as if...

Oh. The woman stepped forward, and behind her was a Redguard. And behind HIM was the Emperor. Nevermind, then.

"Oh, Captain Renevault, I highly doubt that I am in any danger with you three around," said the Emeror, sounding amused. The man in front of the Emperor chuckled.
Then the Breton (Captain Renevault, I assumed) saw me.

"What's this prisoner doing in here?!" she barked, spitting the word 'prisoner' out of the back of her throat, as if it were something nasty she had found on the back of her shoe. "This cell is supposed to be off limits!"

"Usual mix-up at the Watch, probably," said the Redguard, Barus, sounding exasperated. Renevault fingered a key, and opened the door.

A man appeared behind the Emperor, and I barely had enough time to gasp before he attacked him. Surprisingly, the Emperor held his own, until the attacker, who was wearing shiny silver armour, slashed across his face.

But Captain Renevault threw herself in front of him, and the sword connected with her head. She cried out in pain, and looked at me eyes pleading, although I had no idea what for. Until I realized that she was looking at her sword. I scooped it up, and stabbed the attacker in the heart.

This post has been edited by Petra Arkanian: Dec 7 2010, 01:26 AM

[Tulustan]

Yup this is where you put your fan fic!

Nice start. Its been a long time since I played the game but the scene you described brought back vivid memories!

[Petra Arkanian]

Thanks! Yeah, I've played the intro so many times that i have it memorized.
But I wanted to improvise.

[SubRosa]

Hi Petra!

I enjoyed your protagonist's sardonic outlook on life in general, and the events of the tutorial in particular. A very fun read! Also good work on showing us what is happening, rather than telling us. That is one of the most difficult things for many writers to grapple with. Likewise, good show on avoiding an infodump in the first post telling us everything about the character. That is the other thing many writers grapple with! So two bullets dodged, and a very entertaining character!

Are you looking for critiques? If not that is no problem, we understand that not everyone wants to hear every little nit picked apart in their stories.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Dec 7 2010, 12:28 AM

[Petra Arkanian]

I am indeed looking for a critic. Pick apart away, if you please.

[SubRosa]

Ah, in that case I noticed several spelling errors. It looks like a lot, but it all just little stuff. What writers pay editors for!

as his helmet was block my view of everything
I think that was meant to be blocking?


The last thing I remember is a member of the Imperial Guard staring down at me. He was glaring (although I couldn’t really be sure, as his helmet was block my view of everything) at me, with a sword in his hand, and a shield strapped to his arm.
It was then that I passed out.
It looks like the forum ate your space between these two paragraphs. It can do that sometimes when you paste in your writing.


I had never been the follow-the-law-to-the-ends-of-Tamreil type
That would be Tamriel there. I think perhaps a Mythic Dawn agent reversed your e and i (A little mnemonic I learned might help to remember it: "I" before "E", except after "C").


The blue-skinned Dunmer ranted on for some time, his loud voice echoing through my prison cell, and amplifying his overly-annoy, nasaly-sounding voice.
'Just my luck,' I thought. 'Not only do I have to be next to this stupid Dunmer, but my cell has to have good accoustics, too!'
I think the hungry forum ate your space between paragraphs here too.


taking my opportunity of voilence with it
That would be violence.


But why was she talking about the Emperor ?
The forum had its fill of spaces, because it regurgitated one between Emperor and your question mark.


Captain Renevault
In the game she is Captain Renault, and she is a Breton. Here's the wiki page on her If you were intentionally meaning to change those, no worries. If you are not familiar with the UESP Wiki, take a look. It is packed with info, and has been a very helpful reference for me in my writing. Because no one can remember all of this stuff after all. The Imperial Library is another excellent TES resource. They have all the in-game books, timelines, and even walkthroughs of all the games with all the dialogue.


The last thing was a continuity issue. The Emperor and company came to our protagonist's cell and are ambushed. No problem there. But the protagonist then picks up Renault's sword and kills the assassin. But the Emperor and his Blades are still in the hall, and the protagonist still in s/he's cell. I think you meant for the Emp and company to have entered the cell before that point, so you could use a sentence somewhere in there describing that.

The other thing I noticed in the fight was that the assassin struck at the Emperor's face, and when Renault took the blow for him, she was injured in the stomach. Shouldn't she have been hit in the head instead?

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Dec 7 2010, 12:46 AM

[Petra Arkanian]

Thank you subrosa. For the tamriel part, I am familliar with this mnemonic device =D. But i figured that with all of their changes in ethics and logic and such, so wasn't sure if they'd be bothered w/ something like that. Thaks 4 clearing that up.


I am (thankfully) familliar w/ UESP. I don't like the name Renault, so I changed it. As for the breton part, I didn't know. Once again, thank you!

Oops! you're right! it SHOULD hit her in the face! Thx"


This post has been edited by Petra Arkanian: Dec 7 2010, 01:20 AM

[Petra Arkanian]

I think I got everything. Thank you! And NOW, because I have more than enough time on my hands at the moment, I think I will continue with PART 2!

[Petra Arkanian]

Part 2

"Is she dead?" The Emperor's face was no longer humorous, but like that of a mourner at the funeral of a loved one.

"Yes." Barus's voice was bitter.

"Then we must go. More Assassins will come, I believe, and I fear I may soon run out of protectors." This was meant to be a joke of black humor, but, nevertheless, Barus looked stricken.

"It was a joke," I said.

The Emperor motioned for us to continue, and Barus pulled away an ill-fitting stone, which was placed near a barred window. He made a movement which I did not catch, and a small trapdoor swung open.

"In," said Barus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As we walked, although to where - I had not the foggiest idea -, the Emperor began to question me.

"What is your name, Child?" he asked.

"Alex," I answered.

After minutes of trudging through the dank tunnel, he had gleaned everything from my brithplace, to my age, to the names of my parents.

"You are young," said Barus, who hadn't spoken since coming through the trapdoor.

"Only twelve, and already a killer."

I nodded, for I wasn't in the mood to tell him that 'killer' was a rather harsh word for what had happened.


We came across several more Assassins, most of which I - for lack of better word - defeated.

When we reached our first dead-end, Barus left me to guard the Emperor, while he found a way back. When I asked why we did not go together, he just muttered something unintelligible, and disappeared into a large crevice in the wall.

The Emperor turned to me, and said, his voice deadly serious, " I have reached the end of my path. I can go no further. Give this amulet to Barus, and he will know where to look for my last son." He took an amulet out of one of the folds of his robe, and continued.

"A voice shriller than all the music calls me. Men are but flesh and blood. They know their doom, but not the hour. In this, I am blessed to see the hour of my death."

As if on prompt, an Assassin pounced out of the shadows, and struck the Emperor through the heart. I, in turn, killed the man.

And the mighty Emperor was no more.

This post has been edited by Petra Arkanian: Dec 7 2010, 08:19 PM

[Tulustan]

Wow, very young. Pretty strong to be able to kill people that young too!

Maybe try to add some battle scenes in. It could add more to the character by showing how they fight.

I'm curios to find out the events behind Alex's jailing!

[Petra Arkanian]

Ahh, you're right, Tulustan. A good idea. And since I STILL have enough time, I'll do a short bit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 3

Barus came moments later, as the aftermath of the fight was settling in on me.

"You killed him." It was not a question.

"No," I said, my voice sounding stronger than I felt. "I did not. The Assassin came. I killed the Assassin. And the Emperor left me a message. He told me to give this to you -" I handed the Amulet to Barus, whose mouth was agape.

"And he said that you would know where to find his last son."

"He had another son?" Barus's eyes were wide.

This couldn't be good. If Barus didn't know that the Emperor had one last heir, than what if he was dead? Or was the Emperor delerious?

"We need to go. And... I should take the sword back. We'll put it in the-"

Just then, a group of goblins and rats launched at us. This would have been fine, only there were too many to count, and we soon got exausted. I ducked, slashed, rolled and severed heads from the bodies, but, just when the fight was leaning in our favor, I saw something that chilled my blood. Barus was lying on the floor, in a puddle of blood, and a goblin was carrying him away.

This post has been edited by Petra Arkanian: Dec 7 2010, 02:30 AM

[mALX]

Welcome to the forums!

[Zalphon]

Albeit short chapters, they're well-done. If I may offer my advice as a soon-to-be published author, paint a picture in the reader's mind.

If the protagonist is in pain, instead of saying, "He was in pain." Say something such as, "The agony that was biting into him from the sword-wound caused him to fight more viciously with an intense rage that made his own blood boil."

I like how this is starting, and I think this could turn out to be great. Read the fan-fics of other writers to get a feel for how they write and learn from them.

Anyways,

Petra, you have a lot of raw talent at the core. You're doing far better than I did when I first started, bud I will definitely keep an eye on this one.

[Acadian]

Welcome to our wonderful fan fiction forum, Petra! I quite adore Oblivion stories, and particularly those told from a first person perspective.

As the wise SubRosa already pointed out, you are doing a great job of showing, not telling. What we want to know at this point is that Alex is a young Nord girl, likely not of noble heritage - that is enough for now. You bring all that out in a very natural way. Very nice!

I'm pleased to see that while the game is very recognizable in your story, you feel comfortable taking liberties. It appears no one who remains alive knows anything about a lost heir - at least no one we have yet met. The ramifications of this are wonderfully mysterious.

I find myself wondering at the blade skill of the twelve year old Alex and where she learned to fight so formidably.

You are off to a fine start!

*

Since you asked for constructive critique. . . allow me to offer that you should slow down your pace of posting. Not everyone can catch up with reading things every day. Put up a new episode, then allow everyone a few days to read and savor it before posting a new segment.

I understand you prefer Captain Renevault to not sound like a French auto. Is there a reason also that you have consistently changed the spelling of Baurus' name to Barus?

Tiny nits:

Part 1:

"Oh, Captain Renevault, I highly doubt that I am in any danger with you three around," said the Emeror, sounding amused.

Emperor.

Part 2:

"Is she dead?" The Emerors face was no longer humorous, but like that of a mourner at the funeral of a loved one.

Emperor's.

When I asked why we did not go together, he just muttered something ineligable, and dissapeared into a large crevise in the wall.

I would substitute: unintelligible, disappeared and crevice.

[SubRosa]

Off to a roaring start! You continue to change the events of the game tutorial in little ways, making it your own, which is a very good thing imho. The more little "you" things, the more this old story becomes brand new again. Things like the Emperor saying to give the amulet to Baurus, and him being dragged off by goblins. All good touches.

Like Acadian, I am curious to learn how a twelve year old is such a practiced swordswoman? Let alone how she would be so good at it against adults (as there is a huge difference there in size, reach, weight, etc...) I imagine that she was taught from a very young age, much like a modern Olympic athlete? Not so strange in the classical or medieval eras either, as Spartans boys entered the Agoge at six, and European boys would become pages around the same age.



nits:
I am seeing that you are capitalizing Assassins. Those ought to be lowercase, as it is not a proper noun, but rather a generic term.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Dec 7 2010, 06:42 PM

[Petra Arkanian]

SubRosa: Thank you so much, I do need a critic. The best part is that you are a cronstructive critique, which I've never had before! Couldn't continue without you!

Acadian: Also, thank you! The computer I was working at, someone had spilled orange juice all over it, so not only did it reek, the letters didn't go down right!

Zalphon: An almost-author. Wow! I've never met an almost author, or an author-to-be! Thank you for contributing you professional opinion!

mALX: Thanks! I've found that fanfic writers are way nicer than I thought they would be!

Tulustan: You happen to be my first poster! And you have continued to post! Even better! Thx!

All: I've decided that I'll probably do a post every one or two days. I beleive that someone said I should do something like that, and I would give them credit, only I can't for the life of me remember who!

This post has been edited by Petra Arkanian: Dec 7 2010, 08:33 PM

[Destri Melarg]

Hi Petra, welcome to the forums. I see that you have already benefited from the sage advice and the editorial eyes of SubRosa and Acadian. They will not steer you wrong and, along with mALX and Zalphon, their comments are always supportive and constructive.

I tend to be the evil one! (just kidding)

Commenting on the style of your story:

This is difficult because of the nature of your protagonist. On the one hand she describes the act of killing an assassin as if it is a trivial matter that she has done countless times in the past. But, then again, she is capable of this:

I had never been the follow-the-law-to-the-ends-of-Tariel type, of course, but I knew a few basic rules.

1: Do not get put in jail.

Well, okay, that’s the only one I know. But still.

This is wonderfully engaging!

So now we have an adorable twelve year old Nordic (or Nedic) girl who is wise enough to lament the acoustics of her cell and who just happens to be incredibly adept at putting the pointy end of a sword into people. A difficult character to pin down, to say the least! She is infectiously likable though, which is an extremely difficult trick to pull off, and one that I applaud you for.

On the changing of names:

This is a slippery slope. First and foremost, let me stress that this is your story and you are perfectly free to change the names of characters as you see fit. Having said that, you have to remember that you aren’t dealing with characters that you invented, there is a recognition factor with your readers that you need to consider.

It would be like me changing the name of the Emperor’s son to Doug because the name Martin gets on my nerves. I am perfectly free to do so, but it changes the story considerably, and I have to be careful that it doesn’t annoy or alienate the reader. One way around this is to give your reader a heads-up in a brief introduction to a chapter in which the character appears. Then, when the name change comes, it won’t seem like a typo on the part of the author.

One last tiny nit:

Barus was lying on the floor, in a puddle of blood, and a goblin was carrying him away.

As this sentence reads now it forms an impossible paradox, because Baurus can’t be lying on the floor and carried at the same time. I suggest changing ‘and’ to ‘then’ in order to establish continuity between events.

I hope these comments don’t seem overly harsh. They are not intended to be, but I know that I can sometimes sound a little derisive or sarcastic (right, mALX?). All of the above is meant to be supportive and constructive. I really enjoyed reading your story, and I look forward to reading more.

[Petra Arkanian]

Destri Melarg: Thank you, you are right. The goblin couldn't be carrying him away while he was lying on the floor. Duh (slaps forehead) ! I suppose I meant to say dragged.

Thank you!

[mALX]

I hope these comments don’t seem overly harsh. They are not intended to be, but I know that I can sometimes sound a little derisive or sarcastic (right, mALX?).

GAAAAH !!!! Er... ** KA KA ** [mALX choked to death in front of her PC, the last words on her lips being..."did I do something wrong?"]

[Petra Arkanian]

Okay, here's my post for today. Hope there aren't TOO many nits!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


PART 4

Baurus was dead. I had seen it with my own eyes. Baurus was dead, and the goblins would pay. I was not his friend, I had known him for less than an hour, and it was obvious that he wanted nothing to do with me (this is understandable, however, so I didn't take it as an insult).But he was a good man, loyal, smart, brave, and he deserved more than a decent burial. Instead, there he was, getting pulled off into oblivion, by a goblin. Where they would eat him and suck out his brains. No one deserved this.

So, not only could I not stop his being dead, I couldn't even bury him! Couldn't even avenge his death, for the moments the goblins had gotten hold of his body, they had ran off, with the rats behind them. When I'd tried to follow, they'd ran through a door, which clanged shut right in my face.

Locked. I tried it again. Still locked! I cursed. This wasn't fair!

I went back to the site of the attack, hoping for a lock pick. I searched all of the bodies, save the Emperors. Not a single one. I wanted to scream. Instead, I looked at the small pile of items I'd gleaned from the corpses; Several pieces of parchment, two clubs, seventy-nine arrows, an iron bow, and a worn leather suit of armor.

I donned the armor, strapped the arrows to my back, put the late Captains sword back in the sheath, and stuffed the parchment into a small breast pocket. There wasn't enough light to read them now.

So I continued toward what I hoped to be the exit. I met several goblins, and quite a few Assassins - that is to say, I killed them - , because I was infinitely better at archery than swordplay. Arrows sprouted from the attackers chest, neck, head, and occasionally eyes.I also found many lockpicks. Not a single lockpick to be found, when I actually needed it, but now, twenty-four of them, and I couldn't find my way back. The irony of this was just sickening.

It was hours later, and I was about to just give up and die, when I saw it. A light! That had to mean the outside. I hurried forward, and it was. Finally, with my hand on the old wooden door, I shut my eyes, and stepped outside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was dusk. A few stars were trying to flicker into visibility. I looked around. There was only one recognisible feature in my surroundings. White Tower. That meant I had to be near the Imperial City. I gaped. It was beautiful, imposing. The sewers - for that was what it must be - had taken me far. From Cheydinhal to the Imperial City, that had to be at least a dozen leagues. Incredible.

The dusk reminded me of something, something far away...

"Kill her!" says the Master.

"But, sir..." my voice fades away into the silence. The Brotherhood is cruel. To order me to kill my parents. They have done nothing wrong. No, the fault is mine. I have failed to kill the Blade Kathren. I haven't even captured her.

"You failed me, Deadalu. The best I can say about this mission is that you were undetected." His voice is velvet, dangerous.

I stand, despite my bleeding back. "If I had killed her," I began, using my best diplomatic voice, "the others would have seen. Like wise, had I captured her."

"That is no excuse."

This post has been edited by Petra Arkanian: Dec 8 2010, 05:18 AM