Knights of the Nine - New Kvatch, Attempt at fan-fic Options

[Acadian]

’Bosmer lady Knight this time...’
Really have to watch out for those Bosmer lady knights.

Welcome to the forums and glad to see you posting your story here! Your style is brisk, crisp and fun to read.

[McBadgere]

Cheers muchly!!... ...

mALX - Cheers and probably best you don't get more than a glimpse into that mind... ...

And Acadian - Cheers for the welcome...I was just playing Aeirawen (The BLK) in the real world...She does like her axes!)...

Been having issues with Ibuprofen for a sprained wrist...Who giggled?...Who giggled!!!?...It was a "Tractor Accident"...No, I mean a tractor accident which jarred it last week, and the Ibuprofen has been playing havoc with me getting up...STOP GIGGLING!!!...I mean waking up in a morning...The delicate little flower that I am...So updates will be a week apart probably...

Probably... ...

[Athynae]

Oh McB I would not laugh at your pain (snigger), I know all too well the gentle constitution of the male of the species, I do have two sons....and have fired two husbands. So it is understandable.

Your story is going well thus far, it took me a second read to accustom myself to the style but I LIKE IT. Keep em coming

[treydog]

was a "Tractor Accident"...No, I mean a tractor accident which jarred it last week

As long as you did not say "HEY! Watch this!" just before it happened, it is OK.

(If you need an explanation, apply to Athynae, mALX, or Grits).


[Will comment on story this evening.]

[mALX]

SPEW!! "Tractor Accident," huh? (choke, giggle) Er...where you wearing anything particular at the time? Seriously, hope you get feeling better soon.

This post has been edited by mALX: Oct 27 2011, 06:44 PM

[Grits]

My sympathies on your *cough* "Tractor Accident." (Never heard it called that before...) No, really. I hope your wrist feels better soon.

[McBadgere]

Just to clarify before we all get into trouble for being just a smidge off topic...Should have called it Tractor Incident...

Being as brief as I can...

Boss ploughed field (I work on a farm...You may have guessed this already...), I then work field with thing called a harrow which breaks up ploughed furrows...Ploughing is done up and down field, but the ends go in opposite direction which leaves big wavey things and dips in the corners between...Basically there was an incident where the tractor wheel went down one of these corner dips while the steering wheel was turned, and as I was holding it quite firmly...Stop it...The steering wrenched around and sprained my wrist...Much swelling and grinding and mui painkilling drugs!!...Have stopped now though...Back to story...

Many thanks for the sympathy...*Bows*...

[mALX]

Just to clarify before we all get into trouble for being just a smidge off topic...Should have called it Tractor Incident...

Being as brief as I can...

Boss ploughed field (I work on a farm...You may have guessed this already...), I then work field with thing called a harrow which breaks up ploughed furrows...Ploughing is done up and down field, but the ends go in opposite direction which leaves big wavey things and dips in the corners between...Basically there was an incident where the tractor wheel went down one of these corner dips while the steering wheel was turned, and as I was holding it quite firmly...Stop it...The steering wrenched around and sprained my wrist...Much swelling and grinding and mui painkilling drugs!!...Have stopped now though...Back to story...

Many thanks for the sympathy...*Bows*...

URK! Sorry for your injury! Hope you get feeling better soon!

[McBadgere]

I apologise if my previous post sounded kinda short...Therein is proof of why you shoudn't rush post last thing at night... ...

Honest, more story coming soon... ...

[McBadgere]

New parts for you!!!... ...

If I've missed anything, please be gentle... ...

The clocks went back in the UK last night, but I'm not allowed the hour extra in bed, due to my...SnassnFrassn...Work...Bloody doing a favour for the boss... ...Aaamywho, it's currently saying 3.30am on the BBC News channel...*Winces*...

Heh... ...D'you know, I've never really noticed what such an old woman I am...Always complaining... ...

Anyhow...

This...



1.2 - Outside.



FAO Meister Modryn Oreyn,
Fighters Guild-Hall,
Chorrol.

Dear Meister Oreyn,

It is with regret that I must inform you that we have to expel your nephew from the University.

He is a bright, hard working, ever charming and brilliant student. I have nothing but praise for him as a person, and wish him nothing but the best for his future.

However he is undiscipline-able. That is to say. He is not able to stay within the magical discipline that is presented to him. And everything he does in class causes considerable chaos and consternation.

Also, despite all attempts at removal, his “Uncles” continue to be an absolute distraction to all the University’s residents. Especially in the dormitories. The other students have been terrified to wake up to one or the other hanging over them. This is unacceptable.

I regret that this action must be taken, and I shall send whatever aid I can through Archmagister Teekeeus at the Chorrol chapter of the Mages Guild. But it is for the best of the University and its students.

Again, kind regards towards Kelleryn, your good self and your Guild-Master.


Yours regretfully, Hannibal Traven (Archmage).




The recently be-knighted Kelleryn Oreyn retrieved the dagger from the Khajiiti, and offered a prayer to commend her soul to The Nine. Wiping the blood on the dewy grass, Kelleryn looked up at the two moons fading in pre-dawn light. Reciting the names of both in all the languages of Tamriel, and briefly listing the names of the mare to be seen on them, he then looked to the east to try and gauge the hour...

“Well, not long and we won’t have the luxury of darkness to cover us.” He turned to his Ancestor Guardian, “I do hope Knight-Marshal McWylde snares her quarry soon.” Then, indicating the kill he said, “We should go and report this to Knight-Marshal J’Drell.” With that, he gestured for the ghost to follow towards the Fort’s main entrance where he knew the Marshal was crouching behind the forewall.

Kelleryn moved swiftly but as stealthily as was possible - for him - towards the fort. He paused behind the trees which lined the broad entrance causeway. The Elf then looked back towards the arch, where the causeway met the main road from Anvil, and saw the massed group there.

“Oh...” he started.

“Careful,“ said a voice by his ear, “you wouldn’t want us telling your Uncle Modryn that you’d picked up our colourful language now, would you?”

Spinning around, Kelleryn instantly had his staff in one hand and his Ebony shortsword in the other.

“C’mon kid, I’d have had time to make breakfast while you were spinning,” said a Redguard knight, now a short way off.

“Sir Deaconsson!” Kelleryn exclaimed in a forceful whisper. The ghost moaned his disapproval.

“No names dammit!” the knight came back. “No names while we’re out here, and while I get that he – for some reason – won’t disappear,” the knight pointed to the ghost, “can you try and send him off a little so we don’t have a big light saying ‘here we are’ following us?”

The Ancestor told Kelleryn what he thought of that.

“Yes, well...Sir Deaconsson may have a point Honoured Uncle...Please could you go and see if Uncle is okay with the horses”. The ghost moaned and pointed at Sir Deaconsson then sped off through the trees in the direction of the horses.

“You mean to say that the Wraith is called Uncle too?” asked the Redguard.

“Yes, the wraith is called Uncle”

“How does that not get confusing?”

“What do you mean?” asked Kelleryn.

“Isn’t the ghost called Uncle too?”

“No,” replied the Dark-Elf, “He’s called Honoured Uncle.”

Sir Deaconsson regarded the Elf. Average height, passably strong – if a little thin - body, blue-black hair framing a face with pleasant features possessed of a natural tendency towards smiling...Occasional sadness in his eyes maybe. He’d only met Kelleryn late afternoon yesterday, but Deaconsson could tell already that the Elf’s magic was strong. He seemed to be conjuring something constantly, possibly even unconsciously. Even now he could see the light escaping from his mostly closed hand. And as for how in The Nine’s name the kid could keep the Guardian and the Wraith alive at the same time and over these distances was beyond the Redguard.

“Riiiight,” replied Sir Deaconsson, “C’mon, they’ll be waiting.”

They crossed the remaining distance quickly and joined J’Drell behind the wall.

“Ooooh,” said the silver-blue Argonian J’Drell “Bless-ed are we to be joined by our newest friend. What brought you from your appointed task little Elfling?”

“Knight-Marshal, Honoured Uncle saw a Khajiiti scouting out the horses, so we followed her. She was about to...Leave...When I had to stop her.”

“Yeesss, I saw,” The big Argonian replied “I had been...Distracting the three of them for a while...To aid your quests.”

“Three?” Asked Kelleryn.

“Yeesss, yours – good job by the way, nice throw...Yeesss...Praise be to your tutors newest Knight-friend...Oooh, and young Deaconsson there took care of his – not unsurprisingly – and then there’s Friend Sir Thedret who will be joining us from over there on the left,” The Argonian’s eyes shone like a mirror and he put his head over the wall, “any time...Now...”

There was the briefest whisper and a knight slowed to a stop and crouched behind the wall.

“Dammit, he put a hole in my best chainmail...”

“Ooooh...Are you wounded much?” The Argonian asked.

“Just a little. Lucky swipe is all. I’ll live though.”

“Oh well,” said the Argonian, “Shame. I’d best move my stuff out of your house again then. Your wife will be disappointed. She does so love my baubles.” He grinned.

As J’Drell finished this taunt and Thedret had mock-glared at him, the Argonian placed his glowing hand to Thedret’s side to check his wound.

“Damn,” J’Drell sighed, his fins drooping, “easy enough to heal...You’ll feel nothing soon...Oh well...Nevermind...Bless-ed are you...”

Thedret smiled his thanks to his friend and resumed his look out.

Kelleryn took in his surroundings. He found himself considering the horses...Being watched by a ghost and a wraith seemed to put most anyone in an agitated way, let alone a horse. Still, the Knights’ horses could probably deal with pretty much anything.

He smiled to himself as he thought of his company. Sat here right now were two of the most celebrated Knights of The Nine. J’Drell and Thedret.

Sir James Thedret had been one of the original knights that had been at the reformation of the Knights during the Chapel Murders saga. Sir Thedret's list of accomplishments since were a book in themselves. But he had sealed his immortality with being one of the four Knights of The Nine that had accompanied Martin Septim and his Blades to the Imperial City to battle with Mehrunes Dagon.

J’Drell had been one of those that joined soon after the Ayleid king had been dealt with, but soon he too proved a worthy addition when The Oblivion saga had reared its head. He’d read that J’Drell was one of only three Knights that had faced an Oblivion Gate alone. The village he rescued had now affectionately nicknamed itself “Drell’s Gate” in his honour. He was also one of the four with Martin. And then there was his hunt and the trials for the damned Dragon Company after it was all done.

Thedret and J’Drell. J’Drell and Thedret. Their names always linked together. Now sat here bickering as only two old friends can.

Add these two to the other members of the party, which included the wife of the Knights’ Commander – A Knight-Marshal in her own right – Then there’s Knight-Marshal Aeirawen who together with Marshal Galasafon had hunted the Dark Brotherhood seemingly to extinction.

He’d been told by Deaconsson that out there somewhere were two others, a Captain Marcus Jarn and General Carodus Oholin, chief of the Knights Shadow, and another of the original reformation Knights. There was also a legendary Nord General, two Captains that were slowly growing in fame, Deaconsson here who was headed straight towards the Knights Shadow himself and three other knights that he hadn’t really had time to meet properly, but was sure their worthiness was of no doubt.

“I hope I’m not speaking out of turn Sirs...” Said Kelleryn.

Deaconsson rolled his eyes and said “Which means you probably are...”

“But still, may I ask something?” enquired the Elf.

“Oooh, so many questions!..Excellent, I do so love a puzzle game...” Answered J’Drell. “Please, continue my young new friend.”

“Aren’t we risking a lot of...” He hesitated, “Seniority for a fugitive capture? Surely one of the Captains’ companies could do it just as well?”

“Ooooh, Sir Thedret, heh, he just called you old...”

“Drell, he said senior...As in rank...Not the same...Right kid?..” Thedret narrowed his eyes, “Right?...”

“Yes...I mean no...Um...” He paused, ”Sirs, we have two Generals, four Knights-Marshal, three Captains and five ‘mere’ Knights...I believe that would be very senior people for just a grab?”

“Blessed am I to be amongst all these glitterati!! Where are they youngster? I only see Knights wishing to finish work that was begun many years ago,” Seriously J’Drell said, “There has been much labour and toil and death to get where we are sat here and now. We Must. Not. Fail. That is why we risk this much for that. Do you know who is in there youngster?” He spat and indicated the fort.

Kelleryn shook his head, “I was only asked to accompany by Marshal McWylde, she never said why.”

“He and his let the Mythic Dawn into the Imperial Palace. That’s him in there Oreyn...That’s Gellert!!...He personally murdered Blades, servants and worse – the youngest of the Emperor’s sons had run to him for protection. The b*stard just ran him through.” J’Drell looked sadly toward the ground. “That is why we risk so much.”

J’Drell wrinkled his nose in disgust but then calmed.

“However all this does get old Thedret here some much needed exercise. He was in danger of needing a new size of armour!”

This post has been edited by McBadgere: Oct 30 2011, 01:07 PM

[treydog]

I usually have a lot more to say, what with being so in love with the sound of my own voice (keyboard?), but… This story just bowls me over. The characterization is wonderful, as is the action; the sense of history- individual and world; and the depth of feeling.

Oh the letter from Hannibal is simply priceless. Sounds like Kelleryn and a certain albino Khajiit would have gotten along like naptha and a torch….

The entire section with the Ancestor Guardians and their (completely not confusing to anyone) names was beautiful. That is the kind of character-specific world-building that makes a story sing.

“Ooooh...Are you wounded much?” The Argonian asked.

“Just a little. Lucky swipe is all. I’ll live though.”

“Oh well,” said the Argonian, “Shame. I’d best move my stuff out of your house again then. Your wife will be disappointed. She does so love my baubles.” He grinned.

And then--- the banter above. Brilliant.

Followed in perfect narrative sequence with the dark reason behind the Knights’ mission to that place.

Nits:

“…dewey grass…” I believe you want “dewy”- otherwise it is a type of grass named for someone whose goes by “Dewey.”

“two moons’…” Not a possessive here, so no apostrophe.

“Reciting the names in all languages of both…” As written, sounds like the languages are those of the moons… Suggest- “Reciting the names of both in all languages….”

OH- and I simply LOVE the idea of a “mare” in the moons- especially given the (intentional?) pun on the "real" moon's features….

[McBadgere]

Done!...Cheers... ...

Word kept telling me that dewey was wrong but it didn't look right the other way...So I left it...Duh... ...

Two moons' apostrophe ( ) was left behind from a previous sentence, I missed it in the edit...

It is meant to be (as in pronounced) mar-eh as in the "seas" on our moon...But I don't know how to do the accent thingy on the end of it...I know there's a way...But it's probably technical...And I can push these buttons to make the nice word-y thingies come out...Pretty much my level really... ...

Glad you liked the rest too...Much appreciated...

[King Coin]

I read through the first chapter and I enjoyed it for the most part, but I found it difficult to follow what was going on at times.

I do like how our Khajiit always seemed to find herself on the wrong end of the quests we all do in the game. I'm glad she wasn't in the DB for very long, I have a hard time liking murderers.

[Athynae]

“…dewey grass…” I believe you want “dewy”- otherwise it is a type of grass named for someone whose goes by “Dewey.”

Ok Trey if you are going to pick a "nit" then it seems only right that someone "nit-picks" on you. I think you meant "...who goes by Dewey".

McB I am really liking the story thus far. Occasionally I have to read parts over for clarity but I am already seeing improvement between the first post and this newest one. You are on a good track with a wonderful story. Your characterization is colorful and interesting.

(Just had to pick on Trey a bit, he's a little OCD when it comes to grammatical errors and such so when I catch him I have to pick on him)

This post has been edited by Athynae: Nov 4 2011, 11:57 AM

[Acadian]

Interesting. You have placed aspects of the Fighters Guild, Mages Guild and Knights of the Nine in a blender with some Bagere sauce and just a touch of catnip.

So Kelleryn and his see through ethereal ancestors are Dunmeri relatives of old Modryn. And Kelleryn is a real Knight of the Nine. But as a mage. . . not so much it seems. I guess that darn Hannibal always has to pee on the imp chips! And Thedret! And his finned friend. Oh and horses. Luvs horses.

This post has been edited by Acadian: Oct 31 2011, 12:32 AM

[McBadgere]

Thanks all of you for reading...It's much appreciated...I'm really enjoying writing it...I'm almost regretting that Skyrim's going to put it on hold for a bit really...Almost... ...

KC...Cheers for getting through the first bit...The other chapters are shorter, so should be easier...

Athynae...Cheers for taking the time to re-read it...I keep forgetting it's not tele...And not everyone can see it as it's in my head... ...

(Just had to pick on Trey a bit, he's a little OCD when it comes to grammatical errors and such so when I catch him I have to pick on him)

Lol...Fair enough... ...

Acadian...

But as a mage. . . not so much it seems

...Really?...Who said that?... ...

Seriously, thanks for not saying "This is sh*te, get off our site...Right now...Oh yeah...Booyah!!..."...Or anything...

Update soon... ...

This post has been edited by McBadgere: Nov 2 2011, 02:13 PM

[Grits]

I love this story! J’Drell is an instant favorite. I am still laughing about Uncle and Honored Uncle looming over the students in the dormitories. And Thedret cursing over the hole in his mail, never mind about the wound, tremendous.

I’m looking forward to more!

[McBadgere]

Cheers Grits... ...I'm very fond of J'Drell myself, considering when I came up with him in the Game he was an overtalkative cheese stealer... ...

Aaamywho...

New Parts!!... ...



1.3 Duty of Care.



Sire,

Something is very wrong. We cannot find the Olford girl. We’ve looked everywhere. What’s more, two of my Blades have also disappeared. And there’s too many of those damned Dragon Company soldiers about. I tell you something is wrong.

I’ve sent Jena with this note. I pray she gets to you in time.

I’m on my way to you, I just need to check some things. But Sire, find your sons, we need to move you all. Just as a precaution.

I just feel. Wrong.

Your servant, Renaud.

- Note found tucked into one of Uriel Septim’s diaries discovered by Wulff Olfsson in the remains of Cloud Ruler Temple, Rain’s Hand 3E 637.

Found on the bottom of the note were three words – So it begins.




Caroline walked down a corridor which looked much like all the others in these forts. It was some way from the downstairs room where she’d fought Gellert, up to the entrance. She’d yet to find another way out though, some side door, escape tunnel or something. Even the kitchens seemed to unload their supplies through the main doors. But she knew the Imperial wouldn’t be so stupid as to have only one way. Too easy to get...Caught. She paused. The torchlight picked out the copper blonde of her hair. She put her hand to it to smooth down and to push it back from her face.

“Damn...” She said to herself.

She looked up as a Nord came from around a corner.

“General Dinai.” She nodded in salute.

“Ma’am,” replied the older Nord, “We’ve removed the resistance and scoured the remainder of the keep. Unfortunately we’ve developed a problem, which maybe we should have seen coming. There are many non-combatants here – servants, cooks...Dancing girls...” He sighed, “We’ve briefly, superficially questioned them and they’re unaware of who had been here. They believe that they’re in the employ of a local nobleman who keeps a staff here, but never visits. They feed the troops...Any way their job dictates...But nothing more.

“Unfortunately that leaves us with the duty of their care until Captain Holforn gets here.”

Caroline nodded her agreement, “Yes, true.” She sighed deeply, so much for the quick grab and run Caroline thought to herself. Resigning herself to the inevitable, she said to the General, “I was just thinking that Gellert had let himself get cornered far too easily. This isn’t his...Lair. I don’t think he actually knows much about this place.”

She laid a hand on the stone of the wall nearby and closed her eyes. General Mazkay Dinai waited patiently. He’d been around these people too long to question what was happening now. A glow appeared around Caroline’s hand, which danced and weaved around like an aurora.

She opened her eyes again. “He was waiting for something, excited. A prize of some sort. He’d sent his second out to get it some time ago, and he was wondering what was taking so long.”

“I’m impressed Ma’am, you got all that from a stone?” The General enquired his eyes twinkling with a half smile.

“A trick of J’Drell’s. The Investigato use it a lot. He said the University calls it,” she adopted a mock-professorial voice, “Geo-Thaumaturgical-Memoric-Retrieval.”

The General laughed. “Which means what exactly?”

“J’Drell says it basically means ‘The Walls Have Ears’. It’s Mysticism. There’s magic in some of these stones. It hears and sees everything, and then the stones remember.” Caroline patted the Nord’s arm. “You just have to listen.”

Mazkay Dinai shook his head at the thought and then another pressed to the front.

“Ma’am?”

“Yes General?”

“Gellert?”

“Ah yes, he was rendered...Unable to walk...”

“Should I have someone retrieve him then?” The General asked.

“Oh no...It’s quite alright...I’m fine with him...” Said another voice, coming from around the corner.

The Nord granted some measure of impress as Galasafon appeared in the corridor carrying the fugitive Imperial using his telekinesis from one hand and had what seemed to be the Dragon Warhammer in the other.

“Ah, our ever surprising Marshal Galasafon.” Dinai shook his head, “I shan’t even enquire as to how you are now here.”

Galasafon smiled, tilted his head and said, “Orders General...Orders...”

They walked together towards the entrance, passing the obvious signs of a battle. Decorations, furniture and bodies lay strewn about the place. Holforn’s squad will have their work cut out here, Caroline thought.

“What’s the status of our troops General?” Caroline asked.

“Captains Ordan and Royal are securing the remainder of the servants in the kitchens, with Sirs Ralman and Jacks assisting in the guarding of them. The doors down there look thick enough to hold back a full Daedric invasion so holding the area with only the four of them until Captain Holfarn and his team return in the morning...” He paused, “Later in the morning.” The Nord shrugged, ”Should be easy enough. Depending – of course – what we find outside. I fear that we’ve lost the darkness by now.”

-----------------------------------------------

Aeirawen had run from the lower chamber having paused briefly to rid a very forward Imperial of his ability to call anyone such rude names. And really, the suggestions. Surely dinner first? She thought, Maybe the theatre?...But no, just rudeness and a longsword. She sighed and ran out of the entrance to where everyone was cowering behind the forewall.

“Oooh,” said J’Drell, “Our beautiful Bosmer re-joins us at last.”

Aeirawen smiled and crouched with the others.

She nodded greeting to Kelleryn and Deaconsson then said “It’s very cosy here, any closer and I’ll be taking you all home to meet my parents.”

J’Drell smiled, “These walls are put so some damned fool can’t just run a horse and burning carriage from all the way down there straight up into the Fort yard. Curse their lack of foresight in considering us all needing to hide behind it. Total lack of vision. Especially not thinking of Thedret’s ever expansion.”

“Drell, quiet...Something’s happening down there...” Thedret pointed towards the causeway’s end.

“Yes,” Said an Imperial shrugging off his Invisibility, “They’ve been joined by yet another company.”

“Carodus...” Thedret nodded a greeting, “How many’s that now?...We were in trouble before...”

“Well, if it was the seven of us...We may have to break a sweat, but with McWylde, Dinai and the others...”

“Seven General?” asked Kelleryn.

“Yes...” Carodus looked to J’Drell with a question in his eyes.

“Ooooh, meet our newest friend Sir Kelleryn Oreyn.”

“Oreyn?..As in Fighters Guild Modryn Oreyn?..”

Deaconsson snorted and smiled, “Yeah, his Uncle...”

“Ah, of course, the one with the...Impairment.” General Carodus Oholin held up his hand, “I mean no offence Oreyn, to you or your Uncles - Yes I’ve heard their names – I just mean...Your...Gift...It makes stealth...Difficult...Does it not?” He waved the topic away, “That’s for a later discussion, right now we have bigger issues. We’re going to be exposed soon.” The General looked up, “It’s light and we don’t know exactly how many we’re facing but I counted at least fifty.”

J’Drell hissed.

“Plus they have something else.” Continued the Imperial, “They have two large tinkers’ carts, the tall ones with the large wheels for crossing rough country where there’s no roads. There’s something in there. We couldn’t get close enough without feeling like we were about to be discovered.”

J’Drell shook his head, “Where are they getting so many men?..It can’t be a coincidence. I know you removed the guards from down there, but these others must have been coming here for this time anyway? Very paranoid behaviour otherwise.”

“I don’t think they’re all used to working together.” Said General Oholin, “It sounded like they were having problems with who’s in charge. It’ll keep them busy talking it through though.” He looked back down the causeway. “Jarn is watching them and will signal if they’re ready to move. We need to have some sort of plan in place now though.”

“Good idea,” Said General Dinai as he and Caroline ran crouched towards the knights. “Carodus.” He inclined his head towards the other general.

“Ah, Mazkay. Excellent. We need to talk. Over here.”

They crept back towards the entrance. Galasafon and his cargo drew up to them as they moved. “Generals,” He said to them and briefly looked towards the other knights, “As much as it pains me to say this, but may I suggest I return to Kvatch with this before anything else begins? I would hate to lose this grand prize so soon after it was so hard fought for.”

“Good idea.” Said Carodus, he looked to the Nord, “Though we’d need to spare one of the others too. Insurance.”

Dinai looked towards the causeway and back to Carodus with an eyebrow raised in a grim amusement.

Carodus shrugged. “Take Aeirawen, she’s the best rider. She’ll be the most use.”

Galasafon blinked and looked unsure for a moment, “Oh...The horses...Yes...” He nodded, “Generals.” He moved off to the Knights.

The Nord snorted quietly.

“Why is it always about sex with the Elves? Oh, no offence to your wife Mazkay.”

“None taken,” said Dinai with a faint smile.

General Mazkay Dinai was not young, not by any euphemistically twisted imagination was he young, but in the last few hours he’d felt alive in a way he’d completely forgotten about for years. He felt like he had as a Legion recruit again, fighting in Valenwood with all the righteous fury of the young.

With all the love he had for his wife he begged her forgiveness if he didn’t last the coming day, but by the Nine this was going to be fun.

However, Mazkay’s forty years of Legion experience listened as Carodus Oholin outlined the beginnings of a plan.

This post has been edited by McBadgere: Nov 4 2011, 05:51 AM

[Acadian]

Another very fun read!

I really liked how Caroline used alteration magic to pull memories from the stones. Perfectly named and very handy indeed!

’Why is it always about sex with the Elves?’ Why indeed?

’However, Mazkay’s forty years of Legion experience listened as Carodus Oholin outlined the beginnings of a plan.’
Masterfully worded here!

Your quality of editing is excellent. I did happen to note a couple teeny things that slipped through however:
“We’ve briefly, superficially questioned them and they’re unaware of who had been here. They believe that they’re in the employ of a local nobleman who keeps a staff here, but never visits. They feed the troops...Any way their job dictates...But nothing more.
You’re missing the closing quotation here.

’He said the University call it,” she adopted a mock-professorial voice, “Geo-Thaumaturgical-Memoric-Retrieval.”
I recommend ‘calls’.

“These walls were are put so some damned fool can’t just run a horse and burning carriage from all the way down there straight up into the Fort yard.
I’d pick one of ‘were’ or ‘are’. Looks like one or the other was left over from a previous edit.

[SubRosa]

Like Acadian, I thought Caroline's use of magic to pull memories from the stones was a good touch. Very inventive. I like seeing writers taking magic and using it for more than the narrow focus of killing things, as the game presents it.

Also some nice banter in the second part. Thedret's expansion reminds me of some of the sniping between Neeshka and Khelgar.


A glow appeared around Caroline’s hand which danced and weaved around like an aurora.
This was an excellent line. At least what I can see you intended for it was. But it could use a comma between the two clauses. A simple trick I use is to try saying it out loud. When you want to stop for a breath, is usually where you want a comma. Like so:
A glow appeared around Caroline’s hand, which danced and weaved around like an aurora.

You are getting better with the ellipses. This is much easier to read then your first post. But there are still far too many. Even one a paragraph is way overdoing it. Most of the time there is no need for you to use them. For example: This isn’t his...Lair. should just be This isn’t his lair. (note that you want a singular form of lair here also, as it is not a proper noun in this context.

Remember that an ellipsis should be used to indicate an unfinished thought, or a sentence trailing off into silence. You use of it here: “Damn...” She said to herself. was perfect, as we can imagine Caroline's thoughts trailing off after her single curse.