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> Tides of Oblivion, Running never solved anything, but it sure puts it off
liliandra nadiar
post Nov 5 2011, 05:27 AM
Post #1


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With the several other high quality fics floating around the board, I thought I'd give a shot at one of my own.


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1:1 - What do you do with a drunken sailor?
27th Last Seed, 3E33

The poundings pulled me from Vaermina's grip; sadly, I was familiar with each one. The pounding behind my eyes was the wages of stupidity for accepting Filch's challenge of a drinking contest at that cheap tavern behind the Docks. The pounding along my hands and arms would be from the brawl that Filch started after losing said contest to some brown-haired Bosmer girl. I think I saw her lift his coin purse as well. The last pounding was along my jaw from the fist of some guards arriving to 'restore peace'. I'd felt the first types of poundings several times in the year I had been aboard the Seatub Clarabella though not the last since I left Water's Edge.

Feeling the inside of my mouth with my tongue, I assured myself that the oh-so-important Imperial's steel fist hadn't removed any teeth while I sat up to look around. This is not a guard lockup, I realized with a hiss. From a narrow window set well above easy reach of all but the tallest of Nords, light danced along molding stone. Of course that could just have been an effect of the hangover that was making things hard to see. Across the room a rickety table, more like a stool with ambitions, held an earthenware pitcher, cup and plate. Rolling off what felt like hay under a coarse cloth, I got to my feet, very aware of the hangover pounding behind my eyes. I absently managed to notice I was no longer in the simple olive vest and leather pants I had on the night before. Someone had put some prison clothing on me, a thought I dearly wished I hadn't had. A metallic rattle followed a bump to my shoulder and, with growing feeling of dread, I looked over to see two pairs of very rusted chains hanging from the ceiling, an obscenely cheerful torch burned my eyes behind them, prompting a spin that also didn't help my head. Still, one thing managed to percolate up from my mead-soaked mind.

"Cacat." I exhaled. How, in the name of the Nine, did I end up in a fetching prison?

sreenshot

"I must surely be dead, and in the halls of Azura to look upon such a vision." A voice sounded from beyond the bars that made up the door of my new room. I, slowly, turned my head and pushed a lock of flame-colored hair behind an ear. It seemed my neighbor was a Dunmer as well, between my blurred eyesight and the shadows he was in, I couldn't make out much. I didn't really want to; his voice was sending waves of revulsion down to an already rebelling stomach. "You are so beautiful, my dear Dunmer maiden," He cooed, which sent a fresh wave down, "One of the guards owes me a favor, you know. I could get us put in the same cell. Would you like that? You should have some fun before the end." This time I had to keep my mouth closed and force the nausea back down. Fun? With him? I'm pretty sure he's older then Minx, probably even dad. The idle thought of my elder sister helped settle my nerves some. Even though I hadn't seen her since she took off one night, memories of her had helped see me through the long days in the small village before I left myself. The mer's invitation, as well as any others, was something I had managed to avoid. It helped that the crew of the Clarabella knew I was a Witch, it was, after all, the reason I managed to get hired. It was also something they spread about at every port we stopped in. The reputation was good to avert unwanted attention, but it was also very problematic in getting wanted attention.

"Yeah, you heard me. No matter what the law says. No matter what they told you. You're going to die in here! You're going to die!" The hysterical, vindictive laughter brought me back to the present and I sent an irritated glare to the mer. Really, yelling around a hung over sea Witch was not the best of ideas. Or maybe it was, I certainly couldn't focus my thoughts well enough to do anything to him anyways. Deciding to ignore the perverted, crazy old mer, I trudged over to the stool and gracelessly flopped down and put my aching head in my hands. Maybe in an hour or so I'd be able to focus enough to cast some healing and recovery spells.

I had no idea how long I sat there, could've been hours or seconds for all I was aware of the rest of the world. I just kept practicing the mind exercises Gaspar taught me before he left for the Imperial City.

"What's this prisoner doing here?" A strident and very annoyed voice shattered what peace I had managed to gather. It seemed my cell had become a popular place, three humans in armor and a fourth in the over-embellished robes of a noble stood on the other side of the bars. There was a minor protest from one before the woman cut him off.

"Prisoner! Stand back, we won't hesitate to kill you if you get in our way!" The woman, a Breton if I was hearing her accent right, demanded. Wait... they're coming in here?

"You! Prisoner! Stand aside. Over by the window." One of the two armored men demanded as he slipped a key into the lock. Yep, they are. Just what I need. A rutting noble to deal with in addition to everything else. Never the less, I staggered off the stool, banging my knees against the solid wall as I pushed my back into the stone under the window. Apparently now satisfied a ragged teenaged Dunmer girl in equally ragged clothing posed no further threat to three armed and armored men, the procession filed in, the gate opener standing right in front of me with a further admonishment to not move. The noble, a white haired Imperial, passed by and what at first was an idle curious look, rapidly turned into such a razor sharp focus I almost jumped back from it.

screenshot

"You ... I've seen you...You are the one from my dreams..." Great, another perverted old man I thought, right before the gleam of red on his chest finally registered. Wait... that's the Amulet of Kings... he... this is... Cacat! It's the fetching Emperor! Oddly the fecthing Emperor(!) seemed to be waiting for a response from me. What did he want? Should I bow or curtsy? Oh I hoped not, if I bent over I was going to be sick on the ground and that would definitely be a bad move.

"W-what's going on?" I managed before a quick glance at the irritated face of the Imperial watching me had a tentative, "Sir?" added to the end.

"Assassins attacked my sons, and I'm next." Oddly, he didn't seem too bothered by the latter as I would've thought. "My Blades are leading me out of the city along a secret escape route. By chance, the entrance to that escape route leads through your cell." Of course it did. A cell I was apparently just tossed into a few hours before. Insanely, for a moment I wondered if Lord Orius had arranged this to get back at me before I cast the thought away. It was followed by an equally insane urge to ask the fetching Emperor(!) why I was in his prison. As if he would know, or care, about what some unnamed guard did to an equally unnamed sailor in the hind-end of one city in his empire.

Before I could have anymore 'bright' ideas, the Breton pushed at an apparently random stone next to the bedding and I felt a surge of magicka being released. I gaped dumbly as the bedding stone sank and the wall behind it ground open.

"Better not close this one, there's no way to open it from the other side." The Breton instructed the other two Blades; they had to be Blades, the Emperor's personal guards. The Imperial growled at me once more while the other man, a Redguard I noticed, said something about it being my lucky day. I'm pretty sure he was being facetious. I stood there, blankly looking at the hole in the wall before looking back, they had closed the gate out, and the pervert in the other cell was back at his and... Okay, not staying here to look at that. Down the hole with the heavily armed and nervous humans and the fetching Emperor(!) it was.

With only a slightly halting stride, I set off after the humans.

This post has been edited by liliandra nadiar: Nov 11 2011, 07:20 PM


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SubRosa
post Nov 5 2011, 06:26 AM
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The pounding pulled me from Vaermina's grip
A nicely setting-friendly way of saying she woke from a nightmare. smile.gif

I wonder if that brown-haired Bosmer girl was Methredhel? Then again, it could have been Carwen.

You give us a wonderfully described beginning. I can feel like I am right there beside poor Myrin, with her aching head and roiling stomach, wondering what in the Nine is going on?

I also see you are dealing with the issue of revealing Myrin's past quite well. Her being the sister of Minx, a sailor, and a Witch all came out naturally as part of her thoughts. That is well done. Just let it continue to roll out that lightly.

So far Miryn is shaping up to be a brassy, somewhat wise-cracking girl with a talent for understatement and sarcasm. At least in her internal monologue. That makes her a rather fun character to read.

if I bent over I was going to be sick on the ground and that would defiantly be a bad move.
This gave me a grin. biggrin.gif Let's just hope he's not some old pervert for the same reason! laugh.gif

All in all this is an outstanding start into the realm of fiction.Welcome to the jungle! You have given us an interesting character and painted us a vivid scene. Both are quite strong enough to make me want to see what happens next. Don't let my nits below daunt you. Everyone is rough starting out.

Just out of curiosity, how many edits did you do before posting? I ask because you were just bringing up which pov to write it in a little while ago. If this is a first draft, it is outstanding. Usually there are plenty more errors in my first goes. I typically do at least 5 drafts on every piece. One a day apart, because if you read the same thing over and over again in the same day, the individual words tend to blur together, and you miss things a fresh set of eyes would easily pick up. Other people do far more edits than that.


nits:
I'd left the first two several times in the year I had been aboard the Seatub Clarabella while the last from back home in Water's Edge.
I am not sure what you are referring to by the first and the last in this sentence. Could this be a leftover from a previous edit?


This is not a guard lockup. I realized with a hiss.
You want a comma here rather than a period, because the "I realized..." is acting in the same manner as a speech tag, even though it is used for her thoughts. So it has to be part of the same sentence that it relates to.


shimmering from a narrow window set well above easy reach of all but the tallest of Nords could reach.
You have a repetition of reach here. I think it would read fine if you just deleted everything after Nords. Also, the sentence it is part of is very long, I suggest looking back at it, and seeing if you can break it up into two or three smaller sentences.


hungover sea witch
Just a matter of consistency I wanted to point out, as before you described Miryn as a Witch. The difference between the two is that if Witchcraft is a person's religion, it is capitalized, just as it would be for Christian, Muslim, Jew, etc... But if it is not their religion, but rather they are simply a practitioner of folk magic, etc... then it is left in lower case, just as in magician or mage.


I just kept practicing the mind exorcises Gaspar taught
You wanted exercises, as in working out. Exorcises would require Father Merrin...


the Breton pushed at an apparently random stone next to the bedding and I left a surge of magika being released
I am sure you meant felt here. Also, that is magicka.

BTW. I am not sure if it is a nit, or you decided to change it, but in the game Glenroy is an Imperial. He just looks like a Redguard.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Nov 5 2011, 05:05 PM


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McBadgere
post Nov 5 2011, 08:09 AM
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Excellent first bit...Loving it...

I may have an idea where this first section's going, ( biggrin.gif ) but that's not going to stop me enjoying the journey one bit...

Nice one!... biggrin.gif ...

(< Didn't know that about Glenroy...Makes sense with the voice though...)

Oh, was this -

QUOTE
was the wages of stupidly


Supposed to be stupidity?... Or is it the wages for stupidly accepting Filch's challenge?

Most excellent though...

QUOTE
Great, another perverted old man


I laughed...A lot... biggrin.gif ...
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Grits
post Nov 5 2011, 01:52 PM
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Oh, this is great! I wonder how far a hungover sea Witch will go at the request of the fetching Emperor(!). I’m looking forward to finding out. smile.gif


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Acadian
post Nov 6 2011, 12:03 AM
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Welcome to the Arena! Your skill with words provides a delightful feast for the senses. I loved the rich detail and descriptions you provided; I could certainly visualize and feel the discouraging prison cell our Dunmer woke up in. She does a fabulous job of naturally sharing her thoughts with us – that is where the first person perspective really shines. Already, your character is well on the way to endearing herself to readers.

’From a narrow window set well above easy reach of all but the tallest of Nords, light danced along molding stone, of course that could just have an effect of the hangover that was making things hard to see. Across the room a rickety table, more like a stool with ambitions, held a earthenware pitcher, cup and plate. Rolling off what felt like hay under a course cloth, I got to my feet, very aware of the hangover pounding behind my eyes. ‘
This is but one example of many showcasing your lyrical magic with description.

’As if he would know, or care, about what some unnamed guard did to an equally unnamed sailor in the hind-end of one city in his empire. ‘
And she has a delightfully subtle sense of humor as well, that is driven by the situation rather than manufactured. I look forward to our Dunmer's take should the Emperor (!) engage in small talk and ask her "What's your sign?" tongue.gif

Your screenshots are both well done and fit your descriptions perfectly.

As SubRosa said, you have provided a wonderful introduction and struck just the right balance as you start to introduce your character in a way that flows naturally.

Nits:
’I, slowly, turned my head an pushed a locke of flame-colored hair behind an ear. ‘
Here, you want ‘and’ of course.

’I didn't really want too, his voice was sending waves of revulsion down to an already rebelling stomach. ‘
I think you mean ‘to’.

’This time I had to keep my mouth close and forced the nausea back down. ‘
Here you want ‘closed’ and ‘force’. To verify that, separate the clauses: I had to keep my mouth closed. I had to force the nausea back down. I recommend: ‘This time I had to keep my mouth closed and force the nausea back down.’ I realize this one is a touch hard to explain.

’Oh I hoped not, if I bent over I was going to be sick on the ground and that would defiantly be a bad move.‘
As temptingly appropriate as ‘defiantly’ may be here, I’m sure you want ‘definitely’.


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liliandra nadiar
post Nov 6 2011, 04:28 AM
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@SubRosa: Thank you for the welcome, as well as the advice. While the actual writing was only one draft (not counting the re-writing of a few paragraphs, mostly the first) I had been putting the script together in my head for the last several days. This is my first Oblivion fic, but not my first time writing so I've picked up some tricks, and bad habits too I'm sure. After deciding to go first person, it just poured out. smile.gif Hope I can keep it up. While I rather purposefully left who the Bosmer thief was, I like to pretend it was Methredhel, I really grew to like her in the TG quests, and from Teresa. While Myrin's not a Witch like Teresa, it's less a religion but much more then a job, she worships the Nine, at least as much as any peasant/sailor does.

Nits fixed or (hopefully) cleared up.

@McBadgere:I appreciate it. biggrin.gif And yes, I meant 'stupidity'. Fix'ed. Hope you continue to enjoy it.

@Grits: Farther then she expected. wink.gif

@Acadian: Thanks for the kind words, and PoV advice. smile.gif Nits nipped, it was the mead. wink.gif

Last Time: Following a drunken tavern brawl, the Dunmer Witch Myrin wakes to find herself in prison. Company soon showed and rather then stick around with Valen Dreth for companionship, Myrin decided to follow down the rabbit hole.

Oddly, I had initially expected to already be out of the Tutorial by this point. Next one probably. I also didn't expect to have it pouring out quite as swiftly as it is. If only we all had that problem all the time. laugh.gif

-------
1:2 - What do you do with a drunken sailor?

The tunnel leading down wasn't too steep, it was also thankfully short as it emptied me into a hall festooned with cobwebs and dust. Clouds were slowly settling back into the scuffs left by the other party's steps. Following the humans was better then staying in the cell, and really, what would I say to any legionaries who came by and saw a big fetching hole in the wall of my cell? However, I was equally sure they wouldn't be pleased to have me tagging along. Probably make me hold a torch. I thought with a choked giggle. I took a careful breath and followed the path left in the refuse of... decades at least. I was quiet as death, ghosting down the stairs like a wind as I turned the corner... and met the eyes of the Redguard Blade. I gave him a weak smile and an inane wave, the Redguard was rolling his eyes as I ducked back.

"Form up! Protect the Emperor!" The Breton called out, followed very shortly by the sound of metal striking something... else. It almost sounded like stone, but not quite, bone maybe? But what bone could stand against the amount of clashing I could hear? Suddenly it was over, and the silence was nearly as deafening as the noise. Hearing the quiet voices of the Emperor and his Blades, I let out a breath I hadn't even realized I held. Peeking around the corner, I saw the hall now had a much more pronounced haze of dust as well as several bodies, one in the armor of the Blades, the others in plain red robes. The Emperor and his two remaining Blades were walking through a door on the far side. Once more, the Redguard's eyes met mine, his face pulled into a grim line, as he pulled the door closed behind him, the rather ominous click of a lock sliding into place sounding frighteningly loud in the dead quiet.

screenshot

Enough Myrin, I berated myself, creeping out into the new tomb, (I said stop it!) I looked over the bodies while trying to swallow with a suddenly very dry mouth. I recognized the Breton woman, with the large gash across her neck, there was no question of how she had been killed. The robed assailants lay scattered like macabre leaves in their own spreading pools of crimson. The coppery tang in the air was too much for me and with a hurk, I dove to a corner away from the bodies and deposited last nights festivities. Wiping at my mouth I, surprisingly, felt a lot better. Cautiously heading back, I toed around the pools and bodies on my way to the door. As I had expected, it was locked tighter then Captain Patneim's coin purse. A half smile pulled at my lips as I recalled the one method to get the captain to spend his coin, while a streetwalker wouldn't do me any good here, I did have something that could work just as well.

Closing my eyes, I wrapped the Stillness around me. Part breathing technique, part mental exercise, it was the first thing Gaspar taught me to reach into the pool of sky blue light I always saw my magicka as. My thoughts calmed and the questions and confusions of the day receded to the outskirts of my awareness, I drew a sphere of power and fixed a rune in my hand. With a toss, I plunged the sphere down my arm and through the rune, watching as a white nimbus drifted lightly down from my hand as a barely visible gold light impacted the door before spreading across it in a soft ring of light.

My Orisimer crew-mate, Genrik gro-Kalmik, often scoffed at my Open spell, insisting it was cheating to use magic. Yet he never failed to be first in line to get a healing spell cast on him after a night out. I smirked, remembering the time I told him using magic to cure his hangover was cheating, oh the fuss he kicked up that day was worth the dock in my pay for a month. Shaking the memory back into my mind, I was about to reach out to the door when I caught a flicker of reflected light from the shadows. Before it had completely been seen, I was launching a blast of fire into the shadows. The flames splashed against stone, trying desperately to burn something before fading into the air, but the moment of light did let me see what it was. The curving, single-edged sword of the Blades, my eyes darted back up the stairs toward the Breton's body. It was her Akaviri katana, I realized, the symbol of the Blades, all but impossible to find anywhere but on a Blade. I should know, the Captain spent enough time complaining about it.

In the calm of the Stillness, I found I was picking the blade up before I realized it. As the peace faded, I frowned at the blade. I was familiar with short swords, long blades like a katana would be awkward to use which was dangerous in a fight, so why did I pick it up? An even better question was, why couldn't I put it back down? With an irritated sigh of my own, I wrote it up to my sometimes fickle mysticism talent. It was always 'clearer' when I was Still. For what ever reason, I had to carry it for the time being, but there was no way I would do so with a naked blade. With a grimace of distaste, I toed up to the Breton's body and just as gingerly as I had approached, I took the empty scabbard by her side. The elegant blade slid into the leather with a soft, mournful sigh as I left the Blade's body behind.

The Emperor and remaining Blades were still just as easy to follow, and apparently had no further encounters with more robed assassins. In passing, I wondered about the not-bone sounds I had heard, unless it had been under their robes, the assassins were unarmored and they were certainly unarmed. Yet the Breton had been killed by a weapon, the others had struck at something, but it wasn't there when they died. I stopped and tilted my head as I looked at the scuffs before me. Of their own volition, my eyes cased to the right and to a recessed door on a loose hinge. The other side had a short, very steep stairwell going up to a hallway that, at least appeared, to run along the path the others were using.

Following what I rather hoped wasn't a dead end, I cast the recovery spells I had intended to before I met the Emperor. In a prison cell. In my prison cell. Sometimes I wondered if the Nine had a sense of humor, with days like this, I was sure of it.

"Help? What makes you think help is coming?" The voice wasn't too familiar, but I was sure it was the Redguard Blade's. Up ahead the hall opened into what looked to be a balcony over another room, it was from there I heard the voices of the Blades. Voices that were shortly followed by the sounds of combat repeated from the earlier chamber. Even as I broke into a dead run, I wondered what it was I thought I could do. Armed with an unfamiliar sword, with only a weak cloth shirt and pants between my skin and danger I would just be a moment's irritant to the assassins. Yet still I ran.

Both Blades and the Emperor were still standing as I skidded to a halt by a column, or into a column, either or.

"Do you see the prisoner?" The Emperor's voice, soft and melodic, shouldn't have reached me from where I was, yet it was clear as the noon bell. The fact that he was asking about me put an odd tingle in my chest.

"Do you think she followed us? How could she?" Growly asked as I frowned toward him.

"I know she did." It was a simple statement, just four lousy words from someone who didn't know me just as I didn't know him. So why in Oblivion did I suddenly want to jump for joy? Trust, it struck me like a Shock spell. The Emperor knows I can come, knows I would come. He... believes I will be there with the same assurance people put on the rising sun. I was smiling as I jumped down to the floor below, even the charging form of Grumpy didn't shake me. It was like being Still, only enveloped with positive emotions. I walked calmly to the Emperor even as he called off the Blade.

"S-sire." Suddenly in front of him, the feeling took flight like a startled water fowl and I was back to being a barely old enough girl in front of the most powerful fetching man in the fetching Empire. Cacat

"They do not understand why I trust you." His voice washed over me, caring, lightly amused, a bit worried and above all, powerful. Amulet or not, there was no way anyone could doubt this wasn't the Emperor. "But they do not see what I see. What you see as well at times, do you not? Glimpses of thoughts that can't be yours. Impressions and knowledge you didn't have a bare instant before." He smiled at me, and suddenly a tension in me faded. A tension I had been carrying since the moment I first accidentally used magic, no... since I saw the horror on my father's face afterwards. The Emperor's arms closed around me, and I realized I was crying into the purple robe, the Amulet of Kings pressed lightly into the side of my face. A deep rumble sounded behind my ears, like being inside the throat of a great beast, but I felt no worry, the growl was comforting me, easing a hurt I never really knew I was carrying.

"You are touched by the Nine my dear, called to walk road long and hard, with pain and sorrow in equal measure to joy. They have given you the strength to stand against anything, and you will find friends to shore against the loneliness. Much rests on your shoulders my dear girl, but you can do it. The gods never ask for more then we can give."

I stepped back, suddenly embarrassed to be bawling on the Emperor like a toddler. The Emperor let me take the time I needed to wipe at my eyes, though I heard the Blades shifting from their places on either side of us. "What do you need me to do, your Majesty?" I asked, knowing, beyond any doubt, that I had just swung the rudder of my life hard to port.

"I can not see what lies beyond my fate, the stars are capricious in that." His head cocked to the side, the Emperor nodded as he looked at me. I couldn't imagine what he thought, a Dunmer girl, with bright red hair atop a Morning Glory tinged skin, both dirty and unkempt. I had the terrible urge to try and comb my hair before he noticed it, which was stupid because he had to have seen it, twice in fact. Stupid girly impulses.

"You are familiar with the Nine, how they guide our fates with an invisible hand?"

"I'm not on good terms with the gods." I mumbled, keenly aware I had not been to any chapel or way shrine in a year, and even before then rarely.

"I think you would be surprised." I shot a glance at his amused expression, "I have spent my life in service to the Nine, my life charted by the stars. The same stars you guide your own boat by." I gave a twitch at the phrasing, and gave the Emperor a suspicious eye, maybe he did know about me after all. "But, almost as needed as a goal, one needs to know where you started. Tell me child, what sign marked the start of your course of life?"

His words rattled in my head, he couldn't be... I mean he's... his sons were... I decided the Emperor was actually interested in my birth sign and was not just using the oldest pickup line in Nirn on a girl young enough to be his great-granddaughter, if only to save my sanity. "I was born under the eyes of the Lady, sire."

I guessed it was the right answer, (Really Myrin, you expected there to be a wrong one?) because the Emperor gave be a wide smile. "Ah, the Lady's maidens are known for their kindness and tolerance. Useful traits to cultivate."

"What do my stars say for me then?" I ventured, hey, any advantage in life is good.

"I do not know. Your stars are not mine." Cacat, "I know you will follow me, for a time, until the path of my life ends."

That doesn't sound good. In any way. "S-sire...?"

"Majesty, we must keep moving." Grumpy intruded, the Emperor nodded and started to turn from me. "Come Myrin, not much further." Even as he stepped away, I boggled, did I give him my name and forget? Or did he just... know? A stick was shoved into my hands in order to bring me back. I looked from the unlit torch to the Redguard. Oh no, he did not just..

"Take this. If you're coming along, you might as well be useful." He did. Hoping my eye wasn't twitching too much, I casually snapped my fingers next to the tinder, a pulse of magicka and the torch was blazing merrily. No shoving a burning brand in the face of the nice, heavily armed man. With a grunt, I turned to follow the Emperor.

I swear I heard the Redguard chuckle behind me. I'm going to get you for this, I vowed silently.


This post has been edited by liliandra nadiar: Nov 11 2011, 07:20 PM


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Run in Circles, scream and shout."
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McBadgere
post Nov 6 2011, 11:42 AM
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Oooohhhh!!!...So many good things I could say about this if I had time... biggrin.gif ...You should see the amount of copied and pasted stuff that's on this reply screen before I start!!... biggrin.gif ...

QUOTE
While the actual writing was only one draft (not counting the re-writing of a few paragraphs, mostly the first) I had been putting the script together in my head for the last several days


I do that!!...That's exactly what I do...Glad to know I'm not the only one... biggrin.gif ...

QUOTE
Closing my eyes, I wrapped the Stillness around me. Part breathing technique but mostly a mental exercise, it was the first thing Gaspar taught me to reach into the pool of sky blue light I always saw my magicka as. My thoughts calmed and the questions and confusions of the day receded to the outskirts of my awareness, I drew a sphere of power and fixed a rune in my hand. With a toss, I plunged the sphere down my arm and through the rune, watching as a white nimbus drifted lightly down from my hand as a barely visible gold light impacted the door before spreading across it in a soft ring of light


Soooo beautiful...Soo so so beautiful...

Erm...An edit-nit...

QUOTE
young enough to be his great[i/]-granddaughter, if only to save my sanity. "I was born under the eyes of the Lady, sire."

I guessed it was the right answer, ([i]Really Myrin, you expected there to be a wrong one?
)


This
QUOTE
A stick was shoved into my hands in order to bring me back. I looked from the unlit torch to the Redguard. Oh no he did not just..
was yet another laugh out loud bit... biggrin.gif ...

And as for this bit...

QUOTE
I swear I heard the Redguard chuckle behind me. I'm going to get you for this, I vowed silently.


Oh, they'll be married by the end of it... biggrin.gif ...

Simply amazing...Loving it...

Nice one... biggrin.gif ...

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SubRosa
post Nov 6 2011, 07:23 PM
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From: Between The Worlds



Slow down a bit. It is good that you wrote things down while the inspiration was there. But posting every day is too much for people to keep up with. Give us at least a day between posts, if not longer. That way we have time to internalize the events of the last post. Not to mention it gives people more time to get caught up when they have been away. Also keep in mind that there are a lot of other stories here we would like to read, and if everyone posted a new update every day, it would be impossible to keep up with them.

Like I said before, your first post was very good quality for a first draft. But you really should get in the habit of re-reading it several times afterward to catch mistakes, or even change things if you find you did not like how they turned out. It is a good habit to get into, as your writing will definitely improve because of it. Just take your time. There is no hurry.

Probably make me hold a torch.
This was a nice little quip at the tutorial. wink.gif

I was quiet as death, ghosting down the stairs like a wind as I turned the corner... and met the eyes of the Redguard Blade.
This was a wonderful way to keep Myrin down to nirn. laugh.gif

That was a wonderful description of Myrin's use of magic. Very original, and painted in vivid detail. Let's see more of this! Myrin's dialogue makes me feel this is different from how others use magic in the MF. If so, I could see why others would call her a witch, as it would make her an outsider among other magicians. Someone who does not play by their rules, and would likely engender at least a little suspicion and fear.

Such an excellent portrayal of the Emperor's charisma upon Myrin. He may wear the body of a frail old man, but in her mind, we see him as this giant, whose voice reaches down into her very soul. How perfect that he completely undoes all of her bravado in an instant. At the same time, his influence gives us another peek into Myrin's past, her first use of magic, and I suspect something tragic.

But I see Myrin at least recovered enough to think of the oldest pickup line on Nirn! That gave me a grin. biggrin.gif

Finally how perfect that the Emperor knew her name. Not to mention that Baurus gave her the torch to carry! laugh.gif



nits:
The curving, one-sided sword of the Blades
I suggest saying single-edged here.


I have spent my {life} in service to the Nine
I am sure you wanted life where I plugged it in above.

This post has been edited by SubRosa: Nov 6 2011, 07:25 PM


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Acadian
post Nov 7 2011, 02:37 AM
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Another excellent update! I agree with SubRosa. Posting once or twice a week is the best schedule if you can support it. If you are cranking out drafts faster than that, then just keep them in your queue and continue to refine them. They also give you a cushion against times of leaner inspiration.

You continue to have a superb command of lavishly elegant description and intimate internal rumination. I also find the humor you inject to be just right (meaning not overdone). I’m sure you would have done fine with third person, but I KNOW you are doing well with first person.

"What do you need me to do, your Majesty?" I asked, knowing, beyond any doubt, that I had just swung the rudder of my life hard to port.’
I wanted to cheer here. I’m so delighted to see this. I greatly respect Uriel Septim and I’m so happy to see him portrayed well. I don’t fault Myrin one bit for being slow to warm to him. What is important, is that she realizes what he is about. Yay!

’I boggled, did I give him my name and forget? Or did he just... know?’
Nope, you didn’t forget. You did not give him your name Myrin. He knows it. Just like when he asked you your sign. He knows that too, but is just making conversation.

Your concern about pacing and how long it takes to cover some ground. Here is my advice. Choose carefully what events/scenes/big pieces you want to portray. When you do decide to portray something, do it as fully and richly as you are doing with the Imperial Prison.

Nits:
’The flames splashed against stone, trying desperately to burn something before fading into the air, but the moment of light did let me see with it was. ‘
I suspect you want ‘what’ here.

’Armed with an unfamiliar sword, with only a weak cloth shirt and pants between my skin and danger I would just be a moments irritant to the assassins. ‘
Here you are using ‘moments’ unconventionally with great artistic success. It does raise some grammar questions though regarding using the possessive. I would go with one of these two options: ‘just be a moment’s irritant’ or: ‘just be a moment of irritation’.

’The Emperor's voice, soft and melodic, shouldn't reached me from where I was, yet it was clear as the noon bell. ‘
I think you want ‘shouldn’t have reached me’.


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King Coin
post Nov 7 2011, 07:10 AM
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Ch1
What a great beginning. You provided an entertaining description to that little cell that we are all familiar with and gave Myrin plenty of personality in doing so.

Across the room a rickety table, more like a stool with ambitions…
I really enjoyed that line!

Oh and don’t worry about lingering. Your intro was wonderful and all we did was see the emperor walk in!

Ch2
There’s more to the emperor than ‘an old pervert’ isn’t here? laugh.gif
A deep rumble sounded behind my ears, like being inside the throat of a great beast…
I really liked this bit of detail. The emperor is a dragon born after all.
An excellent start to your story!


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liliandra nadiar
post Nov 9 2011, 04:13 AM
Post #11


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From: Hawaii, Tamriel, Somewhere in between



@McBadgere: Thanks for the kind words. Been giving a bit of thought to how some spells and magic work in TES world in general, and how it'll work in Myrin's world in particular. While Myrin will have a number of crushes, infatuations and UST with multiple folks, I've not decided if or who she'll be settling/committed to. (Yes, Baurus will be one of them before to much longer.) Thanks for catching the edit nit, been making a lot of those recently. :/

@SubRosa: I know, I'll be slowing down much more during the week. Work has a strong Drain Fatigue enchantment. wink.gif I'll be shooting for two segments a week. Though I'm sure a lot of us are going to be 'distracted' this weekend.

@Acadian: Not sure if I'll ever have a pad built up, but I'll keep it in mind if I ever do. Hopefully I'll be able to skip un-necessary bits of between events. But so far, the Tutorial level's been playing out like a movie in my head pretty constantly.

@King Coin: Indeed there is, he has a sword too. :hubbahubba.gif:

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1:3 What do you do with a drunken sailor?

As much as I hated to admit it, the torch was useful in the tunnels. The distant light falling from the grates above wasn't quite as bright anymore. I was betting it was past noon now, the Clarabella would've put back to the waves by now. Captain always said to be back before noon or find another ship. Guess I was out of a job, my stuff would be sold off at the next port of call, Anvil, if I remembered right. There was small chance Dahlia would keep some of it, the only other woman on the ship and I were not quite friends but more allies against the views, opinions and personalities of the other five men.

The singing hiss of swords being drawn sounded ahead of me as Grumpy broke into a hurried charge. "Watch your back Baurus!" He called back as the Redguard, Baurus I assumed, ran past me with his own sword drawn. The shaft of anger at the Imperial's blatant distrust of me was soothed by Baurus' parting words.

"Prisoner, guard the Emperor!" Sure, the casual addressing was a bit of a slap, but, at least, he thought I was good enough to be at his back without burying a dagger I didn't have in it.

I moved abreast of the Emperor, who had drawn a steel short blade I only just now noticed he had looped around his waist. Three strangers, all garbed in a black and reddish armor with maces made of the same stuff, were trying to swarm the two Blades. Even as I watched, Baurus slipped his katana under the arm of one when he over extended his swing. The man fell with a wet cough, his armor and weapon puffing away in yellow smoke. Conjured, I realized, they're sorcerers, using bound Daedra. Or very specially trained for just those spells. The runes for a Flare danced in my hand, just waiting for me to send magicka through them, there was too much movement for me to be comfortable with tossing one without hitting either Blade. I'm sure Grumpy would raise a fuss over it at least.

Now, I'd be the first to say I'm a rank amateur when it comes to fighting, but I knew enough to know the two assassins weren't much more skilled then I was, their Daedric armor was their only edge, but it was enough to give the Blades a rough time with both. Indeed, even as I watched, one broke off and charged the Emperor, and me as I moved in front of him. Whipping my arm out, an orb of fire shot dead on. It splashed against the armor and the smell of cooked meat briefly filled the room, but his charge never faltered. I dropped the torch and brought my arm up, a different set of runes flashing across my mind's eye and the mace slammed into my arm a breath after the white-gold glow of a shield snapped into place. Fetch! Even with a shield, that hurt! It did stagger me, but more importantly, it didn't stop me. Flipping two runes, I brought my hand up and placed it on the still hot chest plate.

The snap of the frost spell overwhelmed his muffled grunt from reaching beyond me. I doubted it really did much harm, but I slowed him down long enough for the Redguard, Baurus to step behind him and slide his blade into a gap at his neck. As he fell, the rancid smell of his armor dissipating back to Oblivion made my already watering eyes sting even more. I dropped to my knees and grabbed at my left arm, the burning pain of the impact really starting to draw my mind.

"Easy there, that was a nasty strike." Baurus said, his hand on my shoulder the only thing keeping me from curling into a ball.

"You don't say." I ground out, looking at the swollen flesh of my arm, already taking a lovely rotted fruit color and feeling several times larger then it was. With effort, I envisioned a new string of runes in my mind and pulled at my much lower pool of magicka. The pulsing star of a healing spell shone in my right hand and in its wake, the swelling had faded, now looking several weeks old. Mustering another deep breath, I drew once more on the pool, the second healing spell would be all I could do for a while more until my spirit could gather more magicka from Aetherius.

"Here." I looked up, Grumpy was holding out a hip pouch to me. At my curious look, he nodded his head toward the fallen assassins. "They don't need these supplies anymore." True enough, I thought as I wrapped the belt around my own waist. The chinking of glass inside was a pleasant surprise, more so when I found several potions that would be of use. Healing, Sorcery, even a Fire Shield potion, these guys were ready. One healing potion was used right away, one swallow down my throat and some on the now almost gone bruise completed the work my spells started. Standing up, I gave Grumpy a curious look, one he only grunted to before turning to head through the door.

"Don't take it personally," Baurus clapped me on the back, almost sending me sprawling, "Glenroy hasn't had the best of days. None of us have." I sighed, that was a statement I could believe.

Then he ruined it by giving me the torch again.

Baurus and Grumpy... err... Glenroy dealt swiftly with another attack by assassins in a passageway further on. I kept back with a handful of fire waiting in case any made it by them. Fortunately, none of them managed more then a few steps toward the Emperor before they were taken out by a Blade. It was a very impressive sight, I could see why they had the reputation as the best fighters in the Empire. The fallen made a few more potion contributions to the 'Keep Myrin Alive' charity and before long we were in a large chamber, dim light from the grating to the surface above making the darker gaps along a second level terrace seem to hold monsters that danced as the torch light slid over them. Just being in the room cause my heart to pick up and a cold sweat to break on my skin.

"Hold up, I don't like this." I wholeheartedly agreed with Glenroy and was devoutly hoping we would leave the room, like right fetching now! I kept seeing nightmarish things in the shadows above lunging out for us as we moved toward the exit. Baurus almost got a Flare when he stepped on a grate that had fallen from above years ago. "Dammit! The gate's barred from the other side! It's a trap!" Nononononononono, that is not what I want to hear!

The side passage Baurus pointed out was no help, merely placing us in an even smaller room, I was about to demand we turn around when the ringing of a metal gate slamming down echoed in the chamber. The assassins blocked us off!

"They're behind us! Let's go!"

"Stay here, guard the Emperor with your life!" Baurus bit out as the Blades charged into the larger room. I tossed the torch to the side, fixing runes in my head, heart pounding as an unshakable feeling of doom crawled up my spine.

"I can go no further." The Emperor sounded resigned, and as I turned to look at him, he was removing the Amulet of King from his neck. "Take my Amulet. Give it to Jauffre. I have a secret son, and Jauffre alone knows where to find him." He pressed the artifact into my trembling hands.

"N-no..." Not here, not like this... it just... couldn't...

"You must do this, my son and the Amulet can not both fall into the hands of the Prince of Destruction or his mortal pawns. This is where my journey ends. For you though, the road is long and dangerous. Remember me, and remember my words. This burden is now yours alone. You hold our future in your hands."

There was a deep rumbling, stone scraping against stone and the yellow flash of a conjuration. Time slowed as I saw an assassin step out from what had been a solid wall seconds before with a wicked dagger in his hand. Even as I tried to move, he jabbed out with the blade, and the Emperor's eyes went wide as he slumped to the ground.

"Stranger, you pick a bad day to take up the cause of the Septims." The assassin's mocking, cruel voice knifed through me as easily as his blade did to the Emperor. The Emperor... he was dead at my feet. The strength of presence gone. The soft voice that reached everyone would never be heard again.

The exact details of the next few moments were hazy, the next thing I knew, I had my hands around the assassin’s neck as I poured magicka through a shocking touch rune cluster while I screamed into his convulsing face. Then it was over, my magicka ran dry and he was dead. We both dropped to the floor in a heap and I finally felt the slashes from the assassin's dagger.

"No... Talos save us." Baurus' voice, horse with grief seemed to echo my own state. "We failed.... I failed."

I was looking at the assassin, an Imperial male, young but older then me. His neck was yellow and purple, his face locked in a rictus of pain. I did that. I killed a man, a living, breathing, thinking mortal of Nirn.

"The Amulet! Where is the Amulet of Kings?" Forcing my gaze from the proof of father's words, I looked at the frantic Blade as I thought about what he had just said.

"Oh... here... it's.. here." I shook my head and picked up the artifact from where it was under my legs. I remembered now, I had dropped it after... after.... then when I fell down, it was onto it. "He gave it to me."

"Strange," The Blade mused, "He saw something in you, trusted you." I flinched, waiting for the condemnation that was sure to follow. "They say it's the Dragon's Blood in the veins of every Spetim, it lets them see more then lesser men." Looking into his face, I saw grief, pain and sadness, but no anger. "Did he tell you why he gave it to you?"

"I..." Picking up the Amulet, I saw the gleaming, flickering ruby was dark, the fires within gone. "I'm to take it to someone named Jauffre."

"Jauffre? Why him?" The Redguard was surprised at the name, but he knew who it was I could tell.

"He's to give it to his hidden son. The last heir."

"Nothing I heard about." Though he didn't sound too surprised that he hadn't, I caught a thread of hope in Baurus' voice, a thread I found in my own. There was still another heir for the Emperor! "But if there was one, Jauffre would know it, he's the Grandmaster of my Order."

Yes, that does make sense, I nodded, shifting my legs once more reminded me I was bleeding all over the place. Hissing and I finished shifting, I fumbled for the hip pack and another healing potion.

"Easy there," Baurus was at my side and settling me against the wall. I had a glass against my lips and was drinking it down before I realized it wasn't one of mine. The alchemical water coursed through my veins, the inching, crawling sensation of my flesh re-knitting itself brought shivers to me as it always had. I was assured I would get used to the feeling. I was depressed for a week after hearing that.

"So, I just toddle on off to where ever this Jauffre is and give him the Amulet? What about the assassins? For that matter, where is this Grandmaster?" Baurus gave me a dry chuckle.

"I don't think you'll have too much problems with the assassins. Besides, they don't know about you, let alone that you'll be carrying the Amulet to Jauffre." I guess he had a point, assuming we got all the ones down here. "Jauffre's at Waynon Priory, it's a monastery outside of Chorrol to the west. But to even get there, you'll have to get out of here through the sewers."

"Sewers." That was the big escape plan? Go through the sewers? That sounded like something Dahlia would read about in her half-reman stories she buys that the rest of us pretended not to know about. Something must've shown on my face, because Baurus shrugged and looked apologetic.

"It was designed hundreds of years ago. Anyways, you'll need this key to get the cap off." He reached into his pouch and handed me a slender bronze key. I shoved it into my own pack with the Amulet and pushed off the ground.

"So let's get going then." Baurus was shaking his head even before I finished talking.

"I can't leave the Emperor alone. I'll wait here, besides, this way I can cover your own mission and hopefully throw any pursuit off the trail. Try to avoid the roads though, just in case."

"I'm not exactly set up to run in the forests like some wood elf. I don't even have a weapon!"

"Like that?" Baurus pointed to my hip, and at the Breton's katana I had completely forgotten I was carrying. "Thanks for recovering that, by the way. I'll see it gets a place of honor."

"Okay, yeah I forgot about that, but why remind me of it just to take it?" Still, I certainly couldn't use it properly without a lot of practice, and I suspected the only 'practice' I would be getting for some time would be on live opponents. Baurus knelt by the Emperor and, with a gentle apology, removed the short blade around his waist.

"Because I'll be giving you this instead." He told me, holding out the blade. Well, that put a nice hole in my question's hull. Trade a sword I didn't know how to use right with one I did? I had the katana removed and presented to the Blade in short order. Baurus held off taking it for a moment, giving me an odd smile before stepping close and reaching his arms around me.

Whoa! Wait a... what... he can't be! A blush erupted across my features and I'm sure my eyes popped out. I recalled one of the steamy scenes from one of Dahlia's half-reman stories... not that I read them, of course. Instead, Baurus buckled the sword around my hips before stepping back and taking the katana.

"Talos guide you Myrin, be careful and be safe."

"I... ah... yes... You, uh too Baurus." No I was not blushing like a chapel maiden, no way! I may have been a bit over hasty in leaving the small room, but time was of the essence was it not?

The hidden doorway the assassin had come through opened into a side room off the hallway we were trying to get to, with the sewer entry within sight of the barred gate. So close, we were so close! Pounding my fist against the stone wall didn't accomplish anything useful, it didn't even make me feel better. Baurus' key fit right into the lock holding the cap over the sewer, despite how ever long it had been since it was last used, and turned over with only the barest of hints of resistance. The grinding of the cap as I pushed it over the stone access seemed slow and loud, I had the, hopefully foolish, picture of a host of watchmen standing by the exit looking at me as I came out. The ladder bolted into the stone on the side was short, but it also stopped several feet above the floor, Once I let go I wouldn't be going back. With a last look toward Baurus and the Emperor, I climbed over the edge and began the quick descent until I got to the drop off.

Unlike the tunnels above, the sewer had no light drifting from openings from above, nor convenient torches lining the wall regularly. For a moment I regretted leaving the torch Baurus gave me, but all traces of my earlier hangover were gone and I had other options. Everyone stood watch on the Clarabella, in all weather, so when it was too wet for a flame... A rune cluster flashed across my mind and I was shortly surrounded by a soft but vivid green light.

screenshot

The slap-slide of my, very, cheaply made sandals echoed as I descended the narrow stairs, though the sewers were much more alive then the tunnels. Gurgling water flowing accented by the plop-plops of droplets from the ceiling while the meaty thunk of... more solid objects striking each other in the water filled the air. Though the smell was bad, it wasn't the worst I'd smelled, that was reserved for a spot just outside of Bravil where the city's overflow had clogged itself and had sat for days in the summer sun. This 'water' was still moving smoothly.

Speaking of alive... After the crushing silence above, every sound in the sewer was jumping at me, including the click-click of claws on stone. Rats, I thought, Plenty of... things for them to eat with almost no chance of anything bothering them. Bringing my hand to the side of my head, I brought a very special rune, a stylized eye, into focus before pushing a ball of magicka through it. For a second, the world exploded in a riot of pink clouds as the spell settled. As the detect life effect settled, I saw a cloud, low to the ground and short, moving slowly on the other side of the wall, right for a pipe way that would leave me very obvious. Mentally slapping myself for triggering a light spell before checking for anything else, I ducked to the side of the opening and tried very hard not to wonder what made the stone pressing into my back damp.

So, what is the chance I can get by this guy, and any of his friends, without a problem? Turning my head, I caught a cloud of pink in the tunnel approaching me. Right, stupid question. I drew my sword in a slow, chiming hiss of steel and waited, one eye on the approaching rat through the stone, the other on the opening it would walk through just... about... Now! My arm darted out in a rising arc of glittering metal, accented by a briefly surprised squeak and the rat went into the air, already dead before it hit ground. I looked at the blade in my hand, while it was not a saber like I had gotten my instruction on, it wasn't a bad blade. With a nod, I tapped the blade, casting a cleaning spell I had yet to not find a use for.

Thankfully, the designers of this escape route didn't think it was needed for the Emperor to walk through the sludge of the city for very long. The segment I was in only opened to two other tunnels, one lead to a dead end while the other went to a room with a rat and a carved staircase to a much shorter, and dryer, tunnel with the unmistakable glimmer of sunlight at the far end. I ran to the light and pushed at the grating, no greater thought in my head beyond getting outside.

Once in the mostly fresh air of Lake Rumare, I finally slowed down and allowed myself to relax. I was free again! Almost, anyways. The weight at my hip reminded me of at least one more obligation. Walking to the edge of the lake, well away from the sewer entrance, I sat in the sand, letting my feet sink under the waters. No chains, no assassins, no Blades, just me and the water.

screenshot


This post has been edited by liliandra nadiar: Nov 11 2011, 07:19 PM


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McBadgere
post Nov 9 2011, 05:10 AM
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Another fantastic episode...I love the way that whole opening bit of the game was handled...Excellent...And the choice to only do the parts with the Emperor and The Blades and ignored that bit with the Goblins...

Nice one... biggrin.gif ...

A big thing about posting less often is that (obviously) you can take more time with the editing...You still will probably miss things, but it's less likely that stuff will be missed...

Typo-nit...
QUOTE
"So, I just trotlte on off to where ever this Jauffre is


Shouldn't really mention it...

*Worries*...Don't hit me?!!... sad.gif ...
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King Coin
post Nov 9 2011, 06:11 AM
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Heh, I like Myrin’s nickname for Glenroy.

She seems to have some goofy expectations of the guards.

A blush erupted across my features and I'm sure my eyes popped out. I recalled one of the steamy scenes from one of Dahlia's half-reman stories... not that I read them, of course. Instead, Baurus buckled the sword around my hips before stepping back and taking the katana. laugh.gif

And the wonderful lake at the end. smile.gif

This post has been edited by King Coin: Nov 9 2011, 06:13 AM


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Grits
post Nov 9 2011, 11:04 AM
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Guess I was out of a job, my stuff would be sold off at the next port of call, Anvil, if I remembered right.

This is great, Myrin is clearly a person with a life in progress and connections beyond what’s happening here.


The alchemical water coursed through my veins, the inching, crawling sensation of my flesh re-knitting itself brought shivers to me as it always had. I was assured I would get used to the feeling. I was depressed for a week after hearing that.

blink.gif Indeed, that’s not something I would want to have much practice with.


I’m glad you skipped the goblins, too. Myrin had plenty of opportunity to use some of her magic, Baurus equipped her, and she showed us she can use the Emperor’s sword. Her thoughts give a sense of who she is without the whole tutorial dungeon. First person was a good choice. smile.gif


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ghastley
post Nov 9 2011, 04:18 PM
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I liked the point you made about all swords not being the same, and the way it built the character's profile concisely. She tells us she has trained with a sabre, not a shortsword or katana. From that we know that she hasn't had a comprehensive training in blades which tells us a whole chunk of story about her background without having to relate it all.

Similarly, you're showing us how she uses magic, and letting us infer her expertise in that from her range of spells, and her companions' reactions to her skill.

Just don't distract me so much with the typo's and I'll really get into this story!


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SubRosa
post Nov 10 2011, 01:32 AM
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You sneaked this in after I went to bed last night. I almost missed it.

I liked Myrin's observation that the Mythic Dawn assassins were not that skilled. They just had those bound armor and weapon spells. The ones we meet in the game all strike me as just ordinary people who just happened to have been swayed into religious zealotry, not super elite commandos. But they have numbers, and as Stalin once said: quantity has a quality all its own.

Then he ruined it by giving me the torch again.
laugh.gif

You hold our future in your hands
No pressure there!

Forcing my gaze from the proof of father's words
Once again a reference to Myrin's mysterious spawner, who seems to not approve of her magic.

No I was not blushing like a chapel maiden, no way!
Of course not! biggrin.gif

picture of a host of watchmen standing by the exit looking at me as I came out
Like these watchmen I presume? wink.gif

And I still love that final pic!

You give us the same old story, but package it with a new character, making the rest of it all new again as well. Now I am interested to see what happens next? Will Myrin head to Weynon, and Jaufree? Or will she get distracted by something shiny and do something completely different?



nits:
I did not really have time to go through and point out every nit, but I saw quite a few. All small cases of things like missing tenses. Slid instead of slip, cause instead of caused, pick instead of picked, things like that. I do not mean to flog a dead horse, but I think a few more drafts would probably catch most of these little things, that the spell checker will miss.


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Acadian
post Nov 10 2011, 02:47 AM
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’ The singing hiss of swords being drawn sounded ahead of me as Grumpy broke into hurried charge. ‘
Beautiful deadly phrasing so wonderfully offset by a touch of humor.

I very much enjoy that differing writers portray the use of magic differently. Indeed, I have come to believe that magic is an intensely intimate and personal experience that is fully unique to each mage. And I very much enjoy reading how Myrin relates to her magic.

’The assassin's mocking, cruel voice knifed through me as easily as his blade did to the Emperor. ‘
Magnificently worded here! Bravo!

’I killed a man, a living, breathing, thinking mortal of Nirn. ‘
Here, Myrin quietly tells us that despite her lethality with magic, she is no experienced killer.

’Whoa! Wait a... what... he can't be! A blush erupted across my features and I'm sure my eyes popped out. I recalled one of the steamy scenes from one of Dahlia's half-reman stories... not that I read them, of course. Instead, Baurus buckled the sword around my hips before stepping back and taking the katana. ‘
This passage was simply cute as a button, and most welcome after the tragedy of Uriel’s death.

Your use of screenshots is excellent. It is very possible to use screenshots that cannot match the image your words create and therefore detract from the story. Yours however, delightfully support the images you create with your words – and that is how it should be.

Nits: Your story is wonderful, but SubRosa is correct that a fair number of nits are sneaking past you. Almost all of these are the kind that can elude spellcheck. Let me provide some of them to you in a very abbreviated format that I hope you can decipher: rase a fuss over it / dedric armor / one he only grunted too before turning / "Glenroy hasn't had the best of days. None of us had." {jumping tenses here} / despite how ever long it had been / began a quick decent / I caught a could of pink

Recommendations:
1. Additional edits. You might try a few edits in format view as well as reading your story aloud to someone else; both techniques can be very helpful at revealing oversights.
2. Consider reading some of the excellent fan fiction tales here in order to benefit from exposure to differing styles and technique. Additionally, there is no better way to maintain the readership of other writers than to return their support.


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liliandra nadiar
post Nov 10 2011, 03:14 AM
Post #18


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Joined: 8-October 11
From: Hawaii, Tamriel, Somewhere in between



*grumbles about computers not getting what she means*

Okay, ran a heavy edit with a trial of Word. Might be able to gather enough to buy it by the end of the month. Caught a lot more things then the preview format did. Newly edited versions of the whole story are up. As I said before, I'm not new to writing, and have undoubtedly picked up bad habits. It doesn't help that I've always been bad at spelling.

While I'm sure some errors still got through, I'll work on getting a beta reader to catch what I never see as 'problem'.


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Acadian
post Nov 10 2011, 03:31 AM
Post #19


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Oooh! Just noticed your shot of the week feature in your siggy. How fun!! smile.gif


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treydog
post Nov 11 2011, 02:49 PM
Post #20


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From: The Smoky Mountains



To begin at the beginning (harder than one might think, even for an OCD doggie)- the opening paragraph provides a lot of information smoothly and compactly, while maintaining the narrative style. You make that look easy- which it is definitely NOT.

[quote]Across the room a rickety table, more like a stool with ambitions…[/quote]

That tells us so much about the character- and tells me that I am going to LIKE this story.

[quote]It seemed my neighbor was a Dunmer as well[/quote]

Again, you give information in a way that does not break the narrative.

[quote]Apparently now satisfied a ragged teenaged Dunmer girl in equally ragged clothing posed no further threat to three armed and armored men[/quote]

Here now- can’t be too careful. She MIGHT have been the Gray Fox- or the Hash-Slinging Slasher or similar…

[quote]Okay, not staying here to look at that. Down the hole with the heavily armed and nervous humans and the fetching Emperor(!) it was.[/quote]

Had to quote that one- just because it got such a laugh from me.

[quote]Probably make me hold a torch.[/quote]

Nah. NEVER happen.

[quote]Closing my eyes, I wrapped the Stillness around me. Part breathing technique, part mental exercise, it was the first thing Gaspar taught me to reach into the pool of sky blue light I always saw my magicka as. My thoughts calmed and the questions and confusions of the day receded to the outskirts of my awareness, I drew a sphere of power and fixed a rune in my hand. With a toss, I plunged the sphere down my arm and through the rune, watching as a white nimbus drifted lightly down from my hand as a barely visible gold light impacted the door before spreading across it in a soft ring of light.[/quote]

A long quote- but necessary to maintain the incredible power and flavor of that description of magic. Wow.

[quote]The elegant blade slid into the leather with a soft, mournful sigh as I left the Blade's body behind.[/quote]

Anyone who wants to know how to write beautifully and economically need look no further.

The various “G” names for Glenroy had me chortling.

And then- when the Emperor actually engages Myrin, with all of his charisma and compassion. Simply wonderful. To get the “good parts” of that section, all the way to the part with the torch, I would have to block-quote the whole thing.

[quote]The pulsing star of a healing spell shone in my right hand[/quote]

The way you describe magic is- again- simply wonderful.

[quote]The fallen made a few more potion contributions to the 'Keep Myrin Alive' charity…[/quote]

That is the sort of humor I simply love.

[quote]Forcing my gaze from the proof of father's words,[/quote]

Hmm. Some mystery here…

[quote]Baurus held off taking it for a moment, giving me an odd smile before stepping close and reaching his arms around me.

Whoa! Wait a... what... he can't be! A blush erupted across my features and I'm sure my eyes popped out. I recalled one of the steamy scenes from one of Dahlia's half-reman stories... not that I read them, of course. Instead, Baurus buckled the sword around my hips before stepping back and taking the katana.[/quote]

Nope- Myrin NEVER EVER read any of THOSE stories. Uh-uh, not a chance.

Typos and other stuff so I can maintain my membership in P.O.E.M. (Professional Order of English Majors):

And others may have already gotten to these and you have fixed them, in which case, just roll your eyes and ignore it.

1.1 paragraph 2, “Of course that could just have an effect of…” “could just have BEEN an…”

Same paragraph- “course cloth.” You want the other kind of “coarse” there.

Paragraph where Emperor says he has seen her in his dreams- “Oddly the fecthing..” Typo there on “fetching.”

1.2- "I'm not on good terms with the gods." I mumbled, keenly aware I had been to any chapel or way shrine in a year,”

A “not” got lost between “had” and “been” there.

1.3 paragraph 2- The singing hiss of swords being drawn sounded ahead of me as Grumpy broke into hurried charge.

“…a hurried charge.”

Paragraph 4- The runes for a Flare dance in my hand… “danced”

Paragraph 5- but his charged never faltered. “Charge” the missing “d” from above comes out of hiding…

Paragraph 6- “…long enough for … Baurus to slid his blade…” “Slip” or “slide” in that context.

Paragraph 6- “I dropped to my knees a grabbed…” “…and grabbed…”

Paragraph 12 (Starting with “Baurus and Grumpy”)- “…dim light from the grating to the surface making darken gaps…” “darker”

Paragraph 12- “…a cold sweat to brake...” “break”

Paragraph 16- “… unshakable feeling to doom…” “…of doom…”

Paragraph ? (Lost count sorry)- “Forcing my gaze from the proof of father’s words, I looked at the fanatic Blade…” Did you want “frantic” there?

“Jauffre’s at Wynon Priory, it’s a monastery outside of Chorral…” Weynon and Chorrol

"With a last look toward Baurus and the Emperor, I climbed over the edge and began the quick decent until I got to the drop off."

Descent

"The segment I was in only opened to two other tunnels, one lead to a dead while the other…"

An “end” went missing after “dead” there.


All that said- what I want to conclude with is this- SIMPLY FANTASTIC! It is a wonderful telling of the part of the story that can become too familiar to those who have played the game. Your description of magic, description of Uriel, and- most of all- Myrin's personality elevate this to the first rank of fan fictions. If I had paid for this story, I would NOT be disappointed in the least.

This post has been edited by treydog: Nov 11 2011, 02:52 PM


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